My head was pounding as I woke to the birds chirping, the wind rustling the trees, the grass soft beneath me. Okay, where the hell am I? I opened an eye and realised I was in a forest somewhere. Definitely not London.
"Oh! Great! This is just brilliant! Pissing cultists! This is their fault somehow!" I growled, sitting up. I blinked. What the fuck just came out of my throat?! "What." I muttered, my voice sounding American rather than the London accent I was so used to. "Aw, shit." I groaned, bringing a paw to my head.
Okay, so now I just need to find out just where...what? I brought my hand back up and stared at the paw. The fuck?
A paw. I had a paw. A fucking paw!
"What the actual fuck happened last night?" I muttered. Shit like this doesn't just happen. No. Shit like this is cultists fucking around with reality! I knew it was their fault! "Bunch of wankers!"
I was about to yell more about the cultists and their idiotic ways when I noticed two futuristic looking handguns on the ground. "Huh? Who just leaves guns around?" I took a quick glance around before grinning. "Well, finders keepers!" Scooping them up I spun them around my han...paws a few times before looking them over. Nice. But... "Where's the ammo go?" I asked. There was no slot for ammo anywhere. Looking over the weapon more closely I noticed that the side of the gun pulled out. Doing so I saw a small glowing blue...well...I guess it's a power core. Sealing the hatch, I muttered, "Well, I guess that answers that."
I fired a shot off at a nearby tree. It came out as a blue blast of energy, scorching the tree. "Sick." I muttered, slipping the guns into two slots on the...orange suit I was wearing. "Welp," I groaned, stretching out my new limbs. "Better find a town or something."
Walking was something I had always enjoyed, not running, fuck running, walking's the way to go. It always helped me think and relax. I could walk for hours upon hours. But, alas, it was not to be, as after a good half hour walking and whistling a jaunty tune I bumped into someone, knocking me to the ground.
"Hey, watch it, bozo!" I snarled, getting up. I glared up at the...tree...person...holy shit, that guy is tall. I whistled. "Impressive."
"I am Groot." He said, but something strange was happening, it was as if there were other words woven into the sentence. He said, 'I am Groot.' but I also heard, 'Okay, what the hell?'
"Uh, hey there, buddy!" I chuckled. "Looks like you've got a bad case of morning wood." I snickered.
"<Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball.>" He growled.
I snarled, "Oh, you want to start something, huh, you walking fireplace?!" The next thing I knew I was up in the air, suspended by Groot's fingers. "OI!! PUT ME DOWN, YOU WANKER!!!"
"<That would sound much more intimidating if you were, you know. Intimidating. Or from England, those guys have the accent for it, unlike you, Fuzzy.>" He chuckled.
"FUCK OFF!!" I snarled. "I am from London! This stinking body just took away my accent!" Something occurred to me. "Just like you, I reckon."
"<Hmm. Smarter than you look. What's your name?>" He placed me back down on the ground.
"I'm...uh..." Shit. Can't my name. Nor my age. Or any personal little details like that. Shit. "Just call me Rocket." I shrugged. "And you? Wait, let me guess. You are Groot?" I snickered.
"<Hey, fuck you.>" He frowned.
I chuckled, "Say. How about we stop pissing each other off and find out where we are?"
Groot snorted. "<About time we had a fricking game plan.>"
I chuckled as we set off on our journey. "You're not from England, are you?"
"<How did you tell?>" He asked.
"You said 'fricking'." I pointed out.
"<What? Just from that?>" He asked, raising...what would have been an eyebrow if he had them.
"If you were from England you would have sworn. It's sort of our trademark. That and total dominance of sarcasm." I grinned proudly. "I wish that those damn cultists hadn't took my knife." I said wistfully, back home...wherever that is, I had this combat knife, nothing fancy or huge, just practical and good at shitting people up.
"<Cultists?>" Groot asked.
I nodded, "Yeah, they're behind loads of stuff! Didn't you know?"
"<I'm going to ignore you now.>"
"Hey, come on! It's cultists controlling the government! I'm telling you, it's true! Well...less controlling and more paying off."
"<Uh huh. Sure. So, how do you think we got like this? And don't say cultists.>"
"Cultists." I answered instantly.
"<God damn it.>" Groot groaned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we walked we exchanged a few words, not much to talk about when you can't remember your personal life. We eventually came to a parting in the trees with a small town just beyond it. But...something was wrong. For one, bandits were attacking. Yeah, bandits, not thieves or looters. Bandits. Two, they were using crossbows and swords. Three, everyone in the town was an...an equine. And yet they talked and acted just like humans despite being...IS THAT A FUCKING UNICORN?! Okay, yeah...they have several unicorns. Oh, look. Some pegasuses...pegasi? Pegasi. We're in generic fantasy land #10045.
I stared at the town as the bandits ran around burning and pillaging. "Hey, Groot."
He turned to me, "<Yeah?>"
"Want to kill some bandits? I mean, they look fucking stupid for one, and...well I just don't like bandits. I blame playing too much Fable." And they did look stupid. They were wearing the most generic bandit clothing imaginable, bandanas, eyepatches, shaved hair, stitched together clothing.
He chuckled, "<Yeah, I hear you, let's do this. You want to play the hero or something?>"
I snorted. "Hell no! Just the right thing to do, right? Heroes get killed. I don't plan on doing that." I pulled out my guns. "Besides, I'm dying to know what these things do to flesh!"
As a group of the bandits passed by we stepped out of the cover of the trees and I shot one of them with one of my guns. He dropped to the ground, dead, a hole burned through him. Oh, sweet! They're blasters! The rest of the bandits, even those further away, stopped what they were doing and just stared at us, a few had their jaws dropped comically low.
"Oh, I thought you guys were clowns! Sorry, my mistake, you're just idiots." I snarked, before opening fire, killing three of them before they dived into cover. I laughed, "This is it?! You call yourselves bandits and you're pissing yourselves! Although I guess I can let you off, I am pretty scary after all!"
One of the bandits, this one with a bandana wrapped around her head, cried out, "WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?! GET THE RACCOON!!!" They took her order, must be the boss, and charged.
I felt my eye twitch. That...is fucking annoying. "I." I growled. "Am. Not. A. RACCOON!!!" I bellowed, shooting them down as the wave charged me. I saw them start taking up crossbows and the...unicorns' horns begun to glow. "Crap."
A wave of arrows and...and...energy of all colours come flying towards me. "<GET DOWN!!!>" Groot roared, jumping in front of me and shielding me from harm.
"Groot!" I gasped. His body was peppered with holes and burning patches where the energy and arrows had hit.
He looked down at me and grinned as the burning parts of his body put themselves out and wooden vines began to slowly, very slowly, fill in the wounds. "<Don't worry about me, let's save this place!>"
With a roar we charged the bandits, Groot acting as a shield when necessary. I opened fire with my blasters when I had a clear shot, blasting the bandits, when we were close enough Groot began smashing their cover, allowing me to take down even more. There was a close call where I almost had my head smashed in, but Groot had saved me with a roar and a swipe of his arms, mangling the equine.
As the bandits' numbers began to dwindle I noticed the female with the bandana again. The boss. "She's mine, Groot." I growled, dashing towards her, swiping a knife from the ground besides a dead body. As I closed in on her I saw her eyes widen in fear. So much for being a big shot leader.
She grabbed a sword. "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME?!" She roared. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM?! YOU IDIOTS!!! I AM DEATH VALLEY!!! YOU THINK CAN STOP ME?! I AM UNSTOPPABLE!!! I AM-"
I cut her off with a stab to the leg. "I'm sorry, were you saying something?" I smirked, following it up with a punch to the throat. She choked and went down. "Groot!" I called. "We have a prisoner! Should we kill it?!" As soon as I shouted that the rest of the bandits decided to cut their losses and run.
"<Bunch of cowards.>" Groot muttered hatefully. "<And leave her alone. She could give us some decent information about other bandits or gangs around here.>"
"Good point." I said, holstering my blasters. "Hey, let's see if anyone in town can tell us where, exactly, we are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey." I said to the trembling...equine. Seriously, what's up with that? Those bandits were equines too. Is that the only species on this world or something?
"Please don't kill me!" He squealed.
I rolled my eyes and jabbed him with a blaster. "I'm not going to hurt you, idiot. We just want to know where we are." I snorted, putting away the blaster.
"Don't eat me!" Well, we're getting nothing out of this guy.
"Hey." A young voice said. I turned and saw a...female...? Uh...damn it. What's the word for young female horse? F...F...Filly! Filly! I got it! Yeah. A filly with a green coat was smiling at us, she didn't have a horn or wings...so...what do you call that? Eh. Luckily she was almost my size so I didn't have to strain my neck. "You're the guys who stopped the bandits, right? Thanks!" She had an adorably offensive, inaccurate, stereotypical British accent.
I chuckled. "Finally a...uh..."
"Pony." She supplied. Ah ha! At last!
I nodded my thanks. "A pony that doesn't think we're going to kill or eat them."
She somehow shrugged. "Eh. The adults overreact sometimes. Dad can be the worst." She nodded at guy I'd just spoken to. "So, you wanted to ask something?"
I grinned. "Yeah. Where exactly are we?"
"Trottingham." What. "But if you want wider than that, cause you look a little lost, you're in Equestria on the planet Equss."
"Groot. We're a long way from home." I muttered.
"<We knew that already.>" He shrugged.
"Yeah, but now it's real." I whispered.
"<What have you got waiting for you back home?>"
"Er...well...nothing." I admitted.
"<Exactly. We're here now, so we might as well accept that we'll be here for the rest of our lives.>"
The feeling of fear faded, it's kind of hard to be scared of losing your home when you can't remember it. "I...guess I just freaked."
"<Hey, don't worry, we all freak out at some point.>"
"Hey," The filly said, giving me a concerned look. "Are you okay?" You, little miss, are just adorable. Now stop, you'll give someone diabetes.
I stared for a second before smiling and ruffling her hair. Or would that be mane? "I just got a little scared for a moment there, kiddo." I sighed. "Well. Equestria, huh? Sounds like a pretty, pretty fairy land." I snorted. "But...you have a map, kid?"
She smiled brightly up at me, "Sure, mister! Just a minute!" She rushed into a nearby house.
"<So, what's the plan now?>" Groot asked. "<We just go our separate ways?>"
I shook my head, "No. Not yet at least. We need to find what happened to us, however unlikely it is we'll ever find out. Aside from that I plan on just travelling." I gave a half grin. "You're welcome to join me."
He hesitated. "<I...don't really know. All I want is to live my life...or...I don't know, I need time to think about it.>"
I nodded, "I get you. This whole thing...it's really messed up. You need time to create a goal. An objective. A dream to work towards. I get it, I'll need to think later, I'm more of an 'actor' than a 'thinker' though."
He just nodded as the kid came running back out with a scroll between her teeth, placing it at my feet she grinned up at me, "There you go, Mister!"
I gave a smile, "Thanks, kiddo." Unfurling the map I looked over the large cities. Interesting.
"<Is it me or are most of the cities horse puns?>" Groot said, causing me to look up at him.
"Yeah," I nodded. "To be honest I was ignoring it." I wonder where the capital is? "Kid."
"My name is Historical Reference." She pouted. Kid, I told you to stop being so adorable, it's giving Groot heartache.
"Right." I wonder if all pony names are this strange? "Historical, where's the capital? And what can you tell us about Equestria?"
She grinned, "Lucky for you, I just got the most recent volume of The History of Equestria. It should tell you everything you need to know about Equestrian history up until six months ago."
Well, that's conveniently convenient. "Well, I guess I better start reading. But first...I have something to do. Groot, you start reading and fill me in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bandit leader was strapped to a table in the middle of a dark, dusty, empty warehouse, a tray with some sharp tools was off to one side. As soon as she awoke it would be time for a little...interrogation.
Ah, speak of the devil! "Urgh...wh...where...?" She groaned. I jabbed her in the side with the dagger I'd picked up after the battle. She screamed in pain and strained against her holdings as blood began to seep from the wound.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did that hurt?" I mocked.
She glared at me. "Buck you."
I blinked. "Was...was that a swear?" I asked honestly. "That...that's just lame. Anyway, tell me about the bandits."
She snorted, "Like I'd tell a rodent aboARRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" She erupted in a scream as I stabbed her again as she was talking, this time twisting the dagger.
"Listen, I really don't like that word. So," I held the blood coated blade under her nose. "How about we try that again?"
"You think I'll talk!" She gave a short, harsh laugh. "You're an idiot! I'll never betray my family! They are the only ones who have ever cared about me! Unlike the so-called princesses or my parents!"
I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, yeah, you have daddy issues, no one loves you, boo hoo. Cry me a river." I strolled over to the toys I'd picked up. "You know what I hate about you? You lack conviction."
"What? What are you talking about?!" She yelled.
I carried the sword over, it's size almost dwarfing me. "You wanted to make people care about you. But instead of dealing with it, you became a bandit. You hurt innocents. You killed and stole. Tell me. How does that make you loved?" I realised what I was doing with the sword was stupid and facepalmed before chucking it aside. Instead I just jammed my dagger into her leg. As she began screaming in pain I yanked the dagger out again and exchanged it for my blaster. "Start. Talking."
She glared at me, eyes drilling into my own before they dropped. "Fine..."
"Good!" I said happily. "Now, how many bandits are in your gang?"
"We're not a..." She eyed the blaster I'd shoved into her neck. "I...j...just a few! Most of us came here!"
I nodded, so they're small time. Interesting. "What about other gangs? Tell me the big guys around the country, not small timers like you."
She let out a small growl, "...There's the Desert Raiders. The name speaks for itself, they stick to the Badlands, taking down travelling caravans and wanderers. They're composed of all different species. Then in Manehattan there's the Rebels, a group of thugs who...pretty much do anything for money. And I mean anything. It's sickening." Hmm...a real bandit wouldn't care, maybe she can be redeemed. Maybe not, but she has a small chance. "There's the Diamond Dogs. Most of their species in general are ponynappers, forcing ponies to work in the mines for gems. Although there are a few good Dogs few and between. And...well...no, it's nothing."
Oh, hello! Something juicy! "Tell me."
She shook her head, "It's...it's just a rumour. Nothing more than an urban myth."
I gave a grin, "Indulge me."
She sighed, "Fine. Rumour says that there's a big underground gang that's orchestrates nearly all of the top organised crime. They say that...that they are all over the world, yet no one has ever found them. They're called...Crime Wave."
I smirked, "Crime Wave, huh? Sounds like a plan to me."
"You're not seriously thinking of going after them are you?! I told you, they're just a myth!"
"And where did the myth come from?" I asked rhetorically. "They all start somewhere. Even if you're right...I have other plans." I holstered my blaster. "Now...are you going to keep causing trouble?"
She shook her head vigorously, "No! No way, I don't have a death wish! I'll leave everyone alone, keep my family together with what we have!"
I smiled, "Good." And I cut off the straps holding her down with my dagger. "Go. Get out of here." She took off running but stopped as she put her injured legs down, wincing. "Ah, don't worry, they'll heal, might have a few scars though." I waved off her worries. Staring at me for a second she began hobbling to the exit. As she reached the door I cleared my throat, catching her attention. "Oh, and if you need money? You have a large group, teach them to pickpocket and go to a big city. Keep moving around, you'll get by, maybe even flourish."
She stared at me for a while longer before disappearing around the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So...let me see if I've got this right." I said as Groot placed the map inside his chest cavity before closing the wood around it. "This country is ruled by two princesses. Two princesses who raise and lower the sun and moon. The sun and moon." I stated skeptically. "You seeing the problem here?"
"<I get it. I felt the same when I first read it.>" Groot shrugged.
An idea popped into my head, "Hey! Maybe-"
"<It's not propaganda. There's documented evidence that this is just how the world works.>"
"Yeah, but..."
"<And the last time someone doubted their ability the sun princess...Celestia, I believe, made the sun do loop-de-loops.>"
I blinked. Im...pressive. I shrugged, "Fine, they're for real. Now, where was I? Ah. There's several lands...although any besides Equestria, home of the ponies, weren't in the book. We'll have to find a world map." I sighed. "Do we have a plan?"
Groot smiled, "<I say go to the capital, Canterlot, and introduce ourselves to the princesses. They have large...magical...capabilities.>"
I caught his distaste of the word magical and gave a half grin, "What's the matter, Treebeard? Don't believe in magic?"
He shook his head, "<It's not that. It's just...I don't trust it."
I raised an eyebrow, "You don't trust magic?"
He shook his head, "<We don't know anything about it. What's its limitations are, what it can do if unfocused, how it can affect us, what darkness lurks in it. We know nothing about it.>"
I nodded, "Good point. How about we plan to not get hit by it and call it a day?" I grinned.
Groot sighed, shaking his head and grinning slightly. "<We can do that too.>"
I climbed up his body and got myself settled on his shoulder. "Let's go, tree boy." As we set out for the forest, the most direct path according to Groot, I felt like this was the beginning of an adventure.