"HIC! I am Spartacolttt!" Flash Sentry wheezed, standing on the table and beating his chest. "Burn Roam! HIC! Burn all of Roam down, ya Apple Shaxon melon fuuuuuuuuu—"
"You—HIC!—tell 'em, General!" Shining Armor sputtered, clinging to a half-empty mug and laughing hysterically. "Hahahahaha—HIC!—haaaaaa!"
"Whoops!" Flash teetered backwards, his forelimbs waving for balance. "Holy snoopies!"
"It's a long way to the floor! Don't flash the ladies, Flash! HIC! Get it?!"
"Hopahhhh—!" Flash plummeted backwards, landing on the booth's couch cushions and rattling a half-dozen empty mugs on the table in front of him from the impact. "Snkkktt—ha ha ha ha!" He grinned rosily. "Brad fall downnnnn!"
"Ha ha ha! BRAD!" Shining Armor laughed, dribbled, and pounded the table several times with his hoof. "Where'd you get a—HIC!—nickname like that?!"
"Back in—HIC!—basic!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." Flash smiled, eyes fluttering. "Big Radical Ass Diaper."
"Snkkkt—Hah hah hah hah!"
Flash hugged himself, squirming. "Heeheeheehee!"
"Oh... ohhhhhh that's rich!"
"Yeah!" Flash lapped thirstily at his mug. "I'm full of 'em!"
"I bet you are!" Shining paused to belch. "That's why you needed the diaper!"
"Hoooooo-ho ho ho ho!" Flash teetered and wheezed. "...did I fall down just now?"
"Yup."
"You sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Hmmmph..." Flash Sentry pouted into his mug. "I wish I had wings so that wouldn't happen."
"Hmmph..." Shining swallowed another gulp of cider down and patted Flash's wings. "You can borrow mine, buddy... ol' chum."
Flash's eyes sparkled. "Really?"
"Only, I left them at Princess Celestia's throneroom."
"What were you—HIC—doing in Princess Celestia's throneroom?"
"She was gonna make me a princess," Shining said, tapping his horn with a drunken grin. "Only I walked out on her about two minutes into the lame-ass song."
"Hah hah hah!"
"Heh heh heh heh hehhhh..." Shining sighed, rotating the mug around in his hooves. "So, instead, I had to go and marry a Princess in order to be good at anything—HIC!—and everything."
"Oh no." Flash shook his head rapidly, scooting up in his seat. "Oh no no no no no no no—"
"Oh yes yes yes yes yes yes—"
Flash teetered over, slapping a hoof on Shining's shoulder. "You love and—HIC!—adore Princess Meat A-Mormon Caduceus!"
"I never said I didn't love Concordance!"
"I just wanna make sure you remember it as I—HIC!—rememberrrr it!" Flash's eyes blinked unevenly as he wheezed. "You married the pretty pink princess pony! You love her enough to bathe your mane in apricots!"
"Oh yes..." Shining gave a lopsided grin. "So quoth Marlowe."
"Marlowe?"
"Hrmmf... yes... Apricots, Now!"
"Hah hah hah hah!" Flash laughed into Shining's shoulder.
"Heh heh heh heh!" Shining bellowed. "Mareland Brandoats was such a manure bag!"
"But you love herrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Shining slurred. "Everypony loves herrrrrrrr..."
Shining squinted blearily at the pegasus for a brief moment. "Youuuuu d-don't—HIC—love my wife, do you?"
"Nonsense..." Flash teetered. "I'm already married—HIC!—to Justice!"
"Good soldier." Shining patted his head.
Flash blinked. "...and to pizza."
"I'll drink to that."
"I'll drink to you drinking to that."
"Mrmmmfff..." Shining's voice echoed into his mug. He leaned back, cider dribbling off his chin as he exhaled. "But... thing is... I love Cadance for Cadanccccce..." He teetered in his seat while gesturing in midair. "The Cadance from high school... the Cadance who babysat for Twilylylylyly... HIC!" He sniffled. "The Cadance who kissed my ear in home room and wore the skirt."
"What skirt?"
"Cadance used to wear a skirt to class every—HIC!—day. Drove me banamanamanamanas."
"Did it flounce."
"You're damn right it damn flounced!" Shining wheezed. "You think she's the Princess of Starch?!"
"But she's still a Princess."
"I know. HIC!" Shining sighed. "And I coulda done just as well without the crown and the wings and the apricots... but she's she, and her's her, and me can't be I without I being hers..." He groaned. "Just wish it d-didn't have to be the hallmark of my career, is all..."
"Hay... mark...?"
"Face it," Shining grumbled. "I'm only—HIC!—Captain of the Guard at the Crystal Palace because Cadance is running the—HIC!—show!"
"Are you sssssserioussss?" Flash frowned.
"And here... and today..." Shining glared into the sea of empty mugs. "In Ponyville, I had my chance... my one chance away from Cadance and away from the Crystal Empire to show—HIC!—that I h-have what it takes to be a good soldier and defend harmony in Equack—... Equino—... Equable—... y'know, that big horse horse kindgom we all live in."
"Ecuador."
Shining slapped the table. "That's the one!"
"Now you—HIC!—Now you listen to me, Cap'n my Cap'n!" Flash scooted closer. "You're making a molehill of a mountain! You—HIC!—hear me?!"
"Hear you?! Lieutenant, I can smell you! Heheheheh!"
"I am super serial killer right now!" Flash frowned, then repeatedly patted Shining's chest. "You have my rrrrrrespect!"
"Nawwwww..."
"You do! HIC! My respect! My admiration! Tartarus, my Celestia-damned flower wreath if I had any to give!"
"Well, stop losing at races! Hah hah hah hah!"
"Heeheehee! But for realsies, Shinesies..." Flash beat his own chest. "What I have in here..." He patted Shining's chest. "Is what you have in here."
"Guts?"
"Fuzzy guts!" Flash frowned. "The kind that take no crap from sp-sp-spiders!" He fought a bubble of bile rising in his throat, belched it down, and continued. "And it ain't from marrying pretty pink princess ponies or being elected to crystal age of empires. No... no no no no it comes from being a stallion..." He slapped Shining's shoulder. "A stallion one can respect! And I rrrrrrrrespect yousa!"
"Awwwwww... Loot inn nuts, you're just saying that."
"I'm saying it because it's—HIC!—truth!" Flash leaned back, grimacing. "You wanna know what really sucks?"
"I was put on this earth to know what—HIC!—really sucks!" Shining waved a forelimb. "Open your heart trunk to my skull bowl."
"I-I coulda been a colonel by now!"
"Pffft! What?! You?! You big baby!"
"No—for show glow, snow blow!" Flash blinked tiredly, but nevertheless rambled on. "I coulda gotten promoted three times in the last year! I c-coulda been ordering you to nuzzle smelly perfumed ponies in the grass all afternoon!"
"Heh heh—HIC!—heh heh..."
"But that never happened! And you know why?!" Flash held a hoof up. "Because of one mistake! One screw-up!"
"And what did you screw, Lieutenant?"
"All I did was bump into her! One time!" Flash frowned. "I-I thought she was—HIC!—the librarian or something! How was I to nose sh-she was supposed to be the lavender princess come down softly?!"
"You mean Twily?"
"Yes! Lavender down!" Flash sneered. "All I does was bump into hers once. I thought nothing of it! But nooooooooooooooo!" He hiccuped. "All over the Kingdom it's 'Twilight this' and 'Flash Sentry that!' In the locker-room it's 'Twilight that' and 'Flash Sentry this!' All over the pink aisle at the toy store—"
"I get the—HIC!—picture."
"Well I wish somepony would erase that picture!" Flash frowned. "Somepony with power and respect like yo-yo, you you!"
"You really didn't know she was an alicorn?"
"She d-didn't look like one!" Flash cackled. He held his hooves wide. "Her belly was like this." He pressed them together. "Not like this!"
"Wh-what are you saying, Lieutenant?"
"She didn't have the nose and wasp body thang... y'know..." Flash stuck his muzzle out and sucked in his chest. "The anorexic ribcage thingy. Friggin' snakes with limbs, I swear to Luna."
"My wife is not anorexic!" Shining Armor lisped. "Nor is she a snake!"
"...a fuzzy pink snake?"
"Well, okay."
"Heeheeheee..."
"But don't you go s-saying bad things about her!" Shining grumbled, then smiled. "You know she loves you."
"Pfffft... I'm n-not stepping on nopony's fetlocks—"
"Not like that, ya spruced moose!" Shining squeezed Flash's shoulder. "But like a little brother... the little brother. HIC! The little brother I never haddddddddd..."
"Awwwwwwww... shucked corn..." Flash waved, smiling. "You're making me blush."
"I mean it..." Shining sniffled, leaning in to hug Flash close. "You're him! You're my little bro..."
"Snkkkt... C-Cap'n!" Flash hissed, eyes bulging. "C-can't... br-breathe..."
"The one I always wanted to play ball with," Shining sobbed. "Instead of just watching you sit in a tiny little book fort getting all smart and huffing friendship until you sprouted wings! But my lil bro, bro!" He slapped Flash's back. "I love ya, dude!"
"I-I love you too, Captain!" Flash sputtered. "I-I also love br-breathing!"
"Whoops..." Shining leaned back, straightening Flash's armor. "I didn't—HIC!—d-didn't mean to crush ya there, pegasissy."
"No harm done done, dum dum..."
"Oh gosh..." Shining giggled in an off tone. "Did I just take advantage of you?"
"Pffft. As if. I'd just suplex you."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"It's a good thing we're not drinking."
"Yeah..."
Then, from a distance, there was an enormous rumbling sound. The night-lit windows rattled while the light fixtures across the ceiling flickered.
Shining blinked. "Earthquake."
"Yeah."
Once more, the floor of Sugarcube Corner shook, this time accompanied by a roar.
"An angry earthquake."
Flash Sentry yawned. "Yeah..."
"Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" Cup Cake galloped up to the window, peering straight out. "Is that what I think it is?!"
"We have 'em in the Crystal Empire all the time," Shining Armor said with a dull smile while Flash sleepily laid his head against his shoulder. "So many—HIC!—foreign dignitaries joke that one day the arctic shell will collapse into the ocean... but they're alllllllllll just jealous."
"It is! It is!" Cup Cake backtrotted from the window, cowering. "A hydra has come to town!" She slid under a table, sobbing. "I d-don't want to be gobbled up! I'm still a new mother!"
"Heh... nothing's going to gobble you up," Shining Armor slurred. "Especially a hydra that doesn't exist... because this is Ponyville!"
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! STOMP! The tip of a scaley orange tail smashed through the wall of Sugarcube Corner, shattering the windows instantly. CRASSSSSH!
"Holy hayrashes!" Shining Armor jumped straight up. "A hydra!"
"Nrnnngh—Snkkkt!" Flash Sentry snapped awake. "Guhh! D'uhhhh—I j-just bumped into her, I swear! Only thing I've ever stolen is my drill sergeant's valuable time!" He blinked at the settling debris. "Huh?"
"A hydra, Lieutenant!"
"A hydra lieutenant?!" Flash gulped. "Not a hydra corporal?!"
"Move! Move, soldier!" Shining Armor scoot-scoot-scooted out of the booth. "That's an order!"
"Okay! Okay!" THUD! Flash fell off the seat and face-planted to the floor. "I'mff mffvinfff."
Abominable roars echoed across the town outside, scaring the crickets into silence.
"Quick!" Shining plowed through several empty mugs, only to slam into one table after another. "Ooomf! Before it—HIC!—attacks any more innocent ponies!"
"C-Captain!"
"Yes, Lieutenant?! What is it?!"
"I... I-I can't..." Flash winced, struggling to shove his front left hoof down his empty helmet. "I-I can't get my—HIC!—shoe on!"
"Forget it, soldier!" The Captain grabbed Flash in a beam of magic and floated him at leg's length. "If a hydra stomps on you, your hooves are as good as gone in any case!" He leapt out the window, incidentally knocking Flash's grunting figure into several exposed support beams. "We must engage the enemy for he is here!"