Foals chased each other across the sidewalks, giggling. A romantic couple paused to admire butterflies as they fluttered over a bed of roses. A custodian whistled as he swept up a single aluminum can, walked unimpeded across the empty street, and dropped it into a lonely bin. Birds chirped in the air while a pegasus or two streaked leisurely across the clear blue sky.
If Shining Armor was any more bored, his helmet would fuse to his skull. His nostrils flared as he nevertheless stood stock-still beside Flash Sentry on the street corner. The two guards resembled rigid, rusted radio antennae in the center of the breezy, sun-kissed town. The sun glinted off their polished armor, forming prismatic streaks across the grass that added an extra ounce of color to the already bright village of ponies and pastels.
After a prolonged period of silence, Shining Armor muttered. "What time is it, Lieutenant?"
"Uhm..." Flash squinted into the distance. "Eleven thirty-three, Sir."
"You didn't even glance at your watch."
"I didn't need to, sir." Flash Sentry pointed. "There's a clock tower on the other side of town, beside the Forest and a couple of cottages."
"You mean the Everfree Forest?" Shining droned. "Where absolutely no monsters are charging from?"
"Erm... none that I can spot at the moment, sir."
"And are any of the cottages on fire?"
"They... don't appear to be."
Shining exhaled heavily, his features sagging. "We've stood here for two hours."
"Aye, sir."
"If this was the Crystal Kingdom, we would have stopped two thieves, or foiled a burglary, or ticketed a jaytrotter... just something already!"
"Don't give into despair, Captain," Flash Sentry said. "I'm certain something terrible will rear its ugly head soon enough."
"Lieutenant, I am not wishing bad luck on this town!"
"Huh?" Flash Sentry blinked, then gulped. "Oh."
Captain Armor glanced at him. "'Oh?'"
The Lieutenant was silent.
"'Oh' what?"
"Oh nothing, sir."
"Lieutenant..." Shining Armor frowned. "This is Ponyville! The town that put my sister's legacy on the map! I refuse to believe that she became the Princess of Magic and Friendship without any dramatic circumstances to glean her talents from whatsoever—"
"Sir!" Flash Sentry's voice cracked as he pointed across the road. "A monster, sir!"
"What?!" Shining Armor perked up, head darting about. "Where?!"
"That ugly Everfree Fiend over there!" Flash seethed. "Two o'clock sharp! Shall I tackle it first while you go for the face?!"
Shining blinked, then clenched his teeth. "Lieutenant, that's a mule."
Flash Sentry's ears twitched. He slowly lowered his hoof. "Noooo..."
"I'm afraid so."
"... ... ...a mule?"
"Yes, lieutenant."
"But... like..." Flash fidgeted, then murmured aside. "Why's he so ugly?"
"Because... he's a mule."
"Can they really be born like that today?"
Shining's muzzle scrunched. "What do you mean 'can they be born like that today?!'"
"Well... with modern medical technology and all—"
"Like what?!"
Flash shrugged, scratched his head, and shrugged again. "...stethoscopes? I dunno..."
Shining hung his head, sighing. "You really did live in Canterlot all your life, huh?"
"Hey! Hey!" Flash frowned, then pointed towards the nearest lawn. "No loitering! It's against the law!"
"Uhhhh... I'm not loitering," rasped a voice from the distance.
Flash blinked. "Y-you're not?"
"Do you not see this bench?"
"Oh? Oh!" Flash tipped his helmet with a sheepish smile. "Sorry, ma'am."
"Heh... don't mention it."
"By the way." He pointed, grinning. "Dig the swell hoodie."
Shining grumbled. "I do believe you're trying too hard, Lieutenant."
"But sir, I-I was just—!"
"In basic training, I was taught to value three elements of the 'perfect patrol.'"
"Ahem... uhhhh... and what elements were those, Captain?"
"Location... Location... and Location." Shining Armor tapped his chin in thought. "It was my mistake in trusting a local pastry-maker to know the best spot in town to stand guard."
"Well, at least her rainbow sprinkles were delicious," the Lieutenant said with a smile.
"This part of Ponyville is too open... to visible." Shining Armor slowly pivoted about, gazing at the various buildingfaces and alleyways. "If trouble was to rear its ugly head, it would be somewhere shadier... difficult to spot."
"Well, we waited long enough and saw a mule!" Flash Sentry gulped and bore a nervous smile. "That must count for something, r-right?"
"There must be some better way to gauge this town," Shining muttered. "To find out what Ponyville needs the most help with and where."
"Pffft... duh." A pegasus with straight black bangs marched by, glaring at everything and nothing in particular. "Why don't you just ask the friggin' mayor?"
Shining gasped, slapping the earth with his hoof. "That's it!"
Flash Sentry jolted in his armor. "Wh-what's it?"
"We go to the Mayor!" Shining Armor grinned heroically. "Twily writes to me about her all the time! Surely she must know where a pair of Royal Guardponies are needed in a moment of peril!"