Boneless 2 and I don’t read lots of books. You’d think we would, I guess, because we’re on the road so much, but when you’re carrying around four different accordions, streamers, a tank, a vintage party bomb, an alpenhorn, several wheels of cheese, dozens of hats, and lots of other stuff, you just don’t have room for books, too. They’re heavy. But this morning, I’d barely gotten up and was flossing my teeth when a saguaro cactus morphed into a mailbox and a package exploded out of it with a lot of confetti, and I knew it had to be from Pinkie Pie, because I don’t have lots of correspondents.
It’s always epically amazingly cool to get a letter from Pinkie, because she actually touched it with her own hooves she always has so many interesting things to write about. And of course, a package is even better. She put in a letter saying that it was a journal about the Princesses, which, to be honest, didn’t sound that exciting, but then she mentioned that it also had all kinds of stuff about her and her friends, including stuff she actually wrote herself. She got me one of the very first copies, and she said it was a birthday present, which was a very useful thing to know.
If you’ve ever talked to a lot of party ponies—and you’re not likely to, because there aren’t many of us—you’d know that party ponies never remember their own birthdays. It’s not that we don’t; it’s that we can’t, for reasons I’m not allowed to explain and wouldn’t if I could. So the nicest thing you can do for party ponies on their birthday is to remind them that it’s their birthday. It’s June now, and I just got a birthday present from Pinkie, so I have to assume that my birthday’s in June. By next week, I won’t even remember that much. So I really appreciated the reminder, because nopony had reminded me of my birthday in a long, long time.
Today wasn’t a party day, and my Cheesy Sense wasn’t going off, and we had a whole leftover quarter of a sheet cake that was only a few days old and just needed a few bits scraped off it, so I put up my hooves and Boneless 2 put up his feet, and we polished it off in one sitting. I ate a bit of cake, mulled it over, and had a crazy idea: why not write a review, just for laughs? I mean, obviously, I'd never publish something like that, but I've got to send a thank you note to Pinkie for reminding me of my birthday, which is about the nicest thing anypony has done for me in years, but then she's a total sweetheart.
This book. WOW. If I could jump out of these words and grab you and make you read it, I totally would, and you’re probably lucky you’re just reading this and you’re not anywhere near, say, a picture or a screen or something.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!
The first half is a journal that Princess Luna and Celestia kept when they first began ruling over Equestria, and it was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. It wasn’t at all like the history classes I remember as a colt. I especially don’t remember my teacher, Miss Chalkdust, saying anything much about Princess Luna, only about Nightmare Moon, and only when we didn’t want to come in from recess on time. I’m sure she didn’t mention that Princess Luna liked practical jokes. GLAD TO KNOW THIS, because now I can [epically fantastic practical joke right off the Roquefort Scale, Classified, Top Secret. She’ll never see it coming.] And I had no idea that Chancellor Puddinghead was so cool. Miss Chalkdust always made her sound so boring and Chancellor-y, going to meetings with the Princesses, and she didn’t say anything about setting off trapdoors and shooting Princess Luna out into the courtyard on her hind end. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Chancellor Puddinghead was a party pony, but who would put one of us in charge of anything? Oh, well, we’ll probably never know, because the only kind of pony who would really know would be another party pony, and we don’t usually write this kind of thing down, just because we don’t Emmental.
The second half is a journal Pinkie kept with her friends. I have to admit that I skimmed a lot to get to the good bits. Boneless 2 agreed he’d read the whole thing and tell me about the other stuff, although that’s probably interesting, too. And that’s when I found out some things that almost made me choke on my frosting.
Pinkie’s an Apple? She seems to think she is, anyway. Braeburn’s an Apple, and after that long road trip and trashing that pizza place together, he says I’m like his brother now. If Pinkie’s an Apple, and Braeburn’s an Apple, and I’m like Braeburn’s brother, is this something I should worry about? Because I already get a lot of “oh, is she your sister? You have the same hair!” Actually being one of Pinkie’s distant relatives is the last thing I need. although really it’s probably never going to matter anyway. Who do I think I’m kidding?
I knew Pinkie was upset when I showed up to throw Rainbow Dash’s birthday party, but I didn’t know she was so upset that she was planning to retire permanently as a party pony. Why didn’t she tell me that? I thought she was just going to quit the party or leave Ponyville or something. Pinkie, not a party pony anymore? That would be like the sun never coming up! Come to think of it, that almost happened, but yeah, it would be like that. Anyway, it all came out ok, and we’re friends, omigosh, and Equestria pretty much recovered from the cliff you almost pushed it off, Cheese, genius move there.
But NOW we are up to the bit where this is the greatest book ever, ever, ever written, because there are pages and pages of sheer brilliance and heartwarming wisdom by Pinkie herself! And they’re not just regular diary entries, but her own reflections, which you, the reader, cannot help but find both enlightening and true. Such as:
“NEVER EAT ONE HUNDRED CUPCAKES IN AN AIR BALLOON WHEN RETURNING FROM CLOUDSDALE IF RARITY IS WEARING A BRAND-NEW FROCK THAT SHE DOESN’T WANT COVERED IN CUPCAKES WHEN YOU SUFFER FROM FLIGHT SICKNESS.”
See? That’s true. And I’m sure you can apply this to your own lives.
I’ll just finish with this quote from Her:
“I ask you, Diary, what kind of world do we live in where one day a year ponies can’t just lolly and gab all day long? I’ll tell you what kind of world, Diary—a world that needs a lot more pinwheels and piñatas.”
This book will change your life. I’m telling you.
Oh, and there are some bits with Princesses and manticores and battles in it and stuff. Those were pretty cool, too.