Please make sure that the "Formatting" in the top right is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you.
A/N: I will do my best to refrain from spitting contents from my digestive system until after I have completed this chapter. But, I don't make any promises.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Sega, and GanonFLCL.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For
Season 3
E Side 8
I can never have sweets again!
Oh, don't worry. Sweet teeth grow back.
"No, they don't."
Shh!
Two winners, two losers, and there's two battles left to go. Someone's got to break this synchronization of the numbers.
I'm certain that this battle will upset the balance, F.
Speaking of upsetting, those of you tuning into this show may want to make sure you haven't eaten right before watching this episode. Otherwise, you're going to puke.
We're taking the bloodiest and the arguably most deranged members from each of the teams for the following battle. Viewer discretion is advised.
Representing the Deadly Six in this round is Zazz.
His opponent is a rich chocolate cake! Ha ha!
Hilarious! No, Red Velvet is just her name.
He's F.
She's N.
He's B.
I'm W and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
---Death Battle---
Zazz
-Species: Zeti; Affiliation: The Deadly Six
-Height: 4'9"; Weight: 108 lb; Age: 127 years
-Coloration: pink, purple, yellow with green irises
-Likes: Fighting, violence, and destruction
-Dislikes: Sonic, Eggman, and anyone who insults him
-Skills: High physical strength, enhanced jump, flight, energy ball projection, and longevity
-Sometimes rides a giant yellow orb with a monster face
"Yeah, well... I feel like destroying something!"
When the Cacophonous Conch held its harmful noise over the Deadly Six, Zazz was caught in the mix. This Zetis is one hundred twenty-seven years old and has nine inches over Sonic the Hedgehog.
Over a hundred and he's still looking for ways to blow things up? Wow, he should get a job on Mythbusters.
Zazz is a thin and lanky creature, which can make even the most focused homing attackers miss their target. Additionally, his enhanced physical strength and flight capabilities prevent most of his enemies from pushing him around.
His projectiles take the form of heavy golden stars and his favorite tool of battle appears to be a small Majora's Moon rip-off that can glide, roll around, and crush enemies.
Where the rest of his team would prefer to wait back for their plan's next step, Zazz prefers to go fight something, beat up someone, or destroy anything that gets in his way.
Though, he's not exactly the brightest bulb. He takes his sweet time running in place before charging and as described in a previous part, Master Zik could totally whop him in a pure physical strength contest.
He does not take kindly to insults and assures his enemies that he'll be back to finish them off later. Also, he has an unpredictable personality.
He constantly yells out gibberish while fighting and doesn't give two craps about personal space. Though, that can work against him when he faces an even more determined hedgehog willing to stop his plans.
Still, this is one crazy guy that you really don't want to meet.
"You're going home in a box!"
---Death Battle---
Red Velvet
-Clone of Pinkie Pie; Element of Fear
-Has a dark and violent sense of humor
-Manipulates her own blood as a weapon, typically in the shape of swords and tentacles
-Despises Pinkie Pie's "joy" and "happiness"; goes so far as to twist Pinkie's song lyrics into nightmare fuel
-Is a sadistic masochist... but only in combat
-Has an imaginary friend named "Clottles"
-Can eat fear [Redacted]
-Her blood and saliva can heal herself and other ponies
"Yeah, they may have thought we were talking about murdering, cutting up, and then devouring some hapless pony. What a ridiculous idea. Murder. Ha ha!"
Augh! It's Pinkamena!
I can see why you'd make that connection, but it isn't that horrible fan fictional character. This is Red Velvet, the Element of Fear created as a clone of Pinkie Pie.
Augh! Evil doppelganger! Kill it with fire!
... You have fire.
Are you crazy? Everybody knows you can't kill hellspawn with my kind of fire. We need holy fire, stat!
I don't think that is a thing either of us is capable of doing. Wait, stop! This is completely tangential. Let's get back to her stats. Red Velvet has a rather twisted sense of humor and shows great discomfort when exposed to her original counterpart's definition of joy and happiness. She even goes so far as to take some of Pinkie Pie's original songs and turn the lyrics into something much more horrendous and terrifying.
4chan!
... No.
Well, this isn't the worst of her yet. She is a masochist in battle and enjoys watching blood spill, both from her enemies and herself. She even has the strange power to manipulate her blood into different shapes like scythes and Japanese hentai fantasies.
You're seriously going for that angle.
There have even been times where she bends her blood into a terrible puppet that she calls "Clottles". That has to be the second most messed up imaginary friend I have ever seen.
I'm afraid to ask.
Good, because Luna's "Abby" is way too old for you to understand.
What intrigues Red Velvet with pain so much is that she is very hard to kill. In addition to being her main weapon, her blood can actually heal her wounds as well as other ponies. Her saliva also acts as a healing agent.
Ew... Sweet **** *eff*ing ****! Make it stop!
There is one type of pain Velvet doesn't enjoy. When getting physically beaten by her younger sister Starlight Shadow or her father Silvertongue, she gets rather apprehensive and assumes the fetal position.
Wait, so bloody tentacle porn is okay to her but familial abuse is taking it too far? Priorities be whack, dawg! Besides, can't she eat fear or something?
Well, she used to, but that power has long since left her capabilities. In its absence, she has taken up practice and further mastery over her blood-based powers.
I bet her blood type is O negative, the type that keeps on giving.
"I might be bound by that ridiculous 'non-lethal' garbage, but you know what's funny about that? You'd be surprised at what you can live through."
---Death Battle---
All right, the combatants are set.
Let's settle this debate once and for all.
It's time for a-
Death Battle!
---Death Battle---
The screen opens up to the poorly hidden hideout of the Mean Six. A certain dark purple pegasus flies through the sliding doors. Her 'leader' as such is instantly at the scene. Somewhere in the background, a faint and echoing giggle can be heard.
"Ah, finally decided to regale us with your presence, Force my dear," comments the young unicorn.
"I'm not your 'dear', little sis," says Force monotonously. She holds up a hoof and yawns.
"I assume you've returned because you have a memorized field report regarding the situation," says Starlight expectantly.
"Huh?" Force tilts her head. "No, I just got finished napping. I came back to the base for some actual sleep."
Starlight stomps the floor. "You had a single occupation, Force, the measly task of taking care of the potentially wild threat. How does one fail in such a menial objective?"
"One of these days, you'll run out of words in your dictionary," comments Force with a straight face. "Don't get your tail in a sweat. I already eliminated my target."
"And it didn't occur to you to perform a thorough search for our missing sistren?"
"Why bother?" Force shrugs. "They know exactly where they are."
"That is tangential to the thesis which I am presenting upon you." Starlight looks a bit more upset than when she started this conversation. She puts a hoof to her face and sighs. "I cannot fathom what kinds of simpleton's thoughts are crossing my thought patterns to even consider this." She turns around to the shaded corridor. "Would you kindly go out and recover our absent sistren from whatever corners of the world they have trapped themselves?"
A red, drippy appendage scrawls along one of the walls underneath a hanging lamp. It quickly leaves the following tattered message: "I thought you'd never ask". Immediately after, another echoing giggle is released to the air.
---
"It's become too quiet around here recently," comments the Zeti boss.
His yellow comrade is busy scarfing down some deep-fried food from a paper bucket. The pink Zeti just now stands up from his beatdown via Master Zik's cane the other day. He shakes his head rapidly before holding out his tongue all crazy-like.
"Hey, hey!" Zazz hollers, "Show me where those ongoing threats are. I'll go crush them!"
"Well, I'm not going to deny someone their right to free destruction," says Zavok idly. "Very well, here is the most recent target."
As soon as Zavok's claw touches the map, Zazz is laughing wildly and starts pulling a Fred Flinstone with his feet. The door hasn't even opened all the way before the wild Zazz leaves the building.
---
"Wow, readers," says a certain pink pony, "Don't you just hate all of that annoying dialogue that authors use to pad up the situation because they honestly can't describe what's happening for you?"
W...What?
"You heard me." A red mane flips over to reveal the left eye. "You guys think you're so smart trying to force a story into this setting by having us exposit information. You've got Dumb and Dumber..."
The screen flips briefly to the Death Battle Parody staff.
Huh? What'd you say?
Yet, Red Velvet keeps talking.
"... the half-cyborg geek..."
Excuse you?
"... the child prodigy Nightmare Moon rip-off..."
Wait a minute.
"... a computer that can't process data..."
You did not...
"... and a director with an anti-Discord bias."
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A/N: Do you have a point with all of this?
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"As a matter of fact, I don't," says the pony while smirking smugly. "I wasted the space of the page between that last divider and the actual fight just like the you wanted me to do."
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A/N: Uh... I... you... guh...
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Zazz appears at the strange scene of a stone ground and a few grassy platforms floating in midair.
"And I appear with my blood tentacle, waving it in a taunting manner."
Velvet, shush! I'm narrating here. Wait a minute, how do you even know what my line is? Fourth-wall breaking isn't in your repertoire.
"~So squirm and scream at the ghosts
Worry that you are toast
Bleed out for the creepers
Cut yourself for the weepers~"
There is a compound facepalm from both the director and the narrator.
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A/N: Oh, gosh darn it. She's singing a messed up version of that song.
---
*sigh* Just... start the match, announcer.
"FIGHT!"
Zazz laughs with his tongue wiggling all over his mouth. He hops up onto a nearby yellow orb and starts floating with it. As soon as its shadow covers an area with Red Velvet underneath, the orb crashes down.
"I wince and fall back. But despite the pain, my smile spreads to reveal some teeth."
Zazz briefly looks confused. Who in the world is this girl talking to? His curiosity quickly fades as he launches some golden stars from his position atop the orb. He chuckles like a madman as they crash into the pony's shoulder.
"The points draw some open cuts. Thank you, fool. You've just made this far too easy for me."
Okay, seriously, stop that. You're ruining the immersion factor.
"Drawing my blood into a large blade is as simple as any fool taking a breath. The other pink monstrosity is surprised as the liquid acts like solid metal and cuts him."
Zazz's mouth doesn't change from its crazy smile, but there is some wincing visible in his eyes as he falls to the stony ground to his knees. He...
"... lets out a cry for mercy as my tentacles lash out at him in all the wrong places. Hee hee hee."
-_- You're seriously going to take my job right now.
"~He is from the Deadly Six
They say they're full of tricks
And if you gouge out their eyes
You'll find they're without sight sticks~"
Really? ... Really? Guh... Despite Velvet's lyrics, Zazz still has two perfectly good eyes firmly planted in his sockets. He starts rotating his legs in a single position and charges through the tentacles. His horns hit the pony upside her head.
"This will only prove to be his downfall as I lick the blood that's under my chin. Of course, that's just before drawing it out to make an even bigger scythe that I swing at the fellow pink madman."
Zazz briefly wisens up and flies out of the blood scythe's way. He flies in at some of the tentacles, claws swinging.
"I thought you said he wisens up. That's not very wise. All that does is succeed in getting some of my blood on his hands. Besides, I just grow the tentacles longer because I have complete control over my own blood. Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"
Noticing this, Zazz returns his attention to attacking the pony with his claw swipes.
"But it's too late for that realization. My blades are all over the place, swinging this way and that. Zazz takes the full combination of hits. But to some onlookers, it looks like one of my blades catches my head."
... It does catch Red's head. It appears that in all of the excitement, Red Velvet forgot to actually watch where she was cutting. It looks like this battle is a draw.
"Oh, I wouldn't let it end on such a happy note."
What?
"Seriously? Two baddies successfully destroy each other? What kind of anti-climax is that?"
You're not going to pull a Discord and press the exit early button, are you?
"You're the narrator, bub. Tell the audience what you see."
What are you...? 0_o I... I don't believe it. Some of the blood forms into a gelatinous form between the severed head and her open neck. It's... pulling the head closer... back onto the standing body. There's a bit of scar tissue right at the exact point of contact. But other than that, the connection is flawless. Red Velvet's head is completely back on and she's still smiling wickedly. A tongue passes over some of Zazz's blood that spilled on her face earlier.
Speaking of which, the Zeti's limbs are laying out in ways that they shouldn't be apart all over the stone ground.
"~You gotta scream. Have a bad dream!
It's the correct thing to do
You gotta scream. Have a bad dream!
Because I'm going to come for you
And I'll always cut your veins through~"
I think I'm... going to go lie down now.
The narrator faints.
"Bloody Fatality!"
---Death Battle---
Oh, good Luna! It's everywhere!
Oh my gawwwwww!
Sweet Father of Faust!
Somebody get me a *eff*ing table to flip!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
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A/N: Aaaaaaaaah!
---
...
What's the matter?
Everyone present jumps at the newcomer's voice.
Sheesh, it's like you ponies and people have never seen pain and death before. Get a hold of yourself.
... No offense, Miss Velvet, but your presence in this room is a bit of a disturbance.
Oh, come on. I'm not that disturbing. Look, I even kept his head intact.
Oh my gosh!
Augh! Nightmare fuel!
That's just gross.
Red, no! Put that thing away!
Yeesh, fine. See if I ever invite you schmucks over for a drink.
...
Everyone releases a sigh after she exits.
All in favor of putting that entire experience behind us?
Aye!
Motioned!
Seconded!
It's unanimous. The winner is Red Velvet.
---Death Battle---
Next time on Death Battle...
Press "Start".
"I will show you my full strength!"
Because the finale to this six parter...
"Forgive my associates. Sometimes they can seem... obnoxious."
... is just around the corner.
Who is the meanest?
Who is the deadliest?
The answer to these questions will come after a short break of indeterminate time.
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