Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Six
“What?” Twilight exclaimed in surprise. “Another one?”
The three of them had arrived at Twilight’s house during the late night. This would be the second time for rainbow and Niko. They stood in the open doorway, their shadows cast out onto the walkway.
“Do all the ponies in this crazy place talk?” Roman whispered to Niko.
“Yes,” he replied.
Twilight looked at the three of them with unsuppressed annoyance. “Rainbow,” she said irritably. “Stop bringing humans here.”
“Well where else am I supposed to take them?” she shot back. “Unless humans can fly, I can’t take them to my place. I don’t think Fluttershy would take to well to two humans. Pinkie stays that the Cakes’ place; I can’t take them there. Applejack is way out at sweet apple acres. And to tell you the truth, I don’t think I could stand staying with Rarity. I don’t think they could either.” Rainbow took a step towards the purple pony. “Please Twi, help us out here.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she groaned. “But I don’t want them here if they’re angry. I don’t want my ladders pulled out of the walls again.”
“I am sorry for that,” Niko stated. “I was angry. I do not like getting hit with things, or tied up. I have bad experiences with both. But do not worry, Roman does not get angry. He just complains a lot.”
“Hey,” his cousin protested.
“See, it’s all cool,” Rainbow reassured.
Somewhat grudgingly, Twilight stepped out of the way to allow them into the dwelling. Rainbow entered first, followed by Niko.
Roman looked skeptical, but followed nonetheless. His head banged against the top of the doorframe. “Shit!” He doubled over, holding his head in his hands.
Niko laughed goodheartedly. “You have to duck for pony doors Roman.” He walked over to his cousin and patted him on the shoulder. “You get used to pony doors too.”
“Stupid door.” Roman glared back at the door, which Twilight then shut. He poked his arm gingerly. “I do not think it is broken,” he commented worriedly. “But it does not feel so good.”
“What did you do to it?” Twilight asked curiously.
“I hurt it in helicopter crash,” he replied.
Twilight frowned. “Helicopter?”
“It is human flying machine,” Niko clarified.
Her lavender eyes lit up. “Humans have flying machines?”
Niko nodded. “Yes.”
“Self-sustained flying machines?” she pressed.
Niko nodded again, a little skeptically. “Yes,” he replied cautiously.
The unicorn seemed to tremble with excitement. “Tell me how it works,” she demanded.
Niko thought for a moment, not sure how to explain a helicopter to a pony who barely even knew what a human was.
“Um,” he started dumbly. He barely even knew how a helicopter worked himself. Twilight levitated a pen and sheet of parchment over to her. She awaited his description eagerly. “It is big machine with big blades on top.”
Twilight scribbled furiously on the scroll before looking back up at him. “Go on,” she urged.
Niko fought for words. “Motor turns big blades and helicopter flies.” He held out his arms apologetically.
Twilight glared. “Is that it?” she asked in a condescending tone.
Niko shrugged. “I do not know how to explain helicopter. And if I did, it would take hours.”
Twilight opened her mouth to say something but Rainbow cut her off. “Take it easy egghead.” Rainbow trotted over to the unicorn mare and prodded her with a hoof. “You can’t harass them about things they barely even know.”
Twilight nodded but still looked curious. “Wait a minute.” She turned her gaze to Roman. “You crashed a helicopter here?”
“Yes,” Roman replied. “Why? Did you think I crashed helicopter in other messed up world with ponies?”
She ignored his sarcastic remark. “That’s odd,” she mused. “I know of humans ending up here. But I’ve never seen them arrive here with anything other than their clothes. Your friend Roman here brought a whole flying machine.”
“Could you keep it down!” a voice called from upstairs. “I’m trying to sleep here.”
“Sorry spike,” Twilight replied. She turned to the rest of them. “I think everypony, and human, needs to get some sleep.” Niko silently agreed.
“Do you have any bandages?” Roman asked.
Twilight shook her head. “Sorry, not here.” She shot a concerned look at Rainbow. “Are you feeling okay?” she asked. “You look a little woozy.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rainbow blushed slightly. She was a terrible liar. Niko didn’t even know all the pony expressions yet; and he could easily tell she was lying.
Twilight wasn’t convinced. “Did you have some more of that special apple juice Niko was talking about earlier?”
Niko answered for Rainbow. “No, she has not been drinking special apple juice. This time it was grape juice.”
Rainbow snickered. “Grape juice,” she breathed heartily.
Niko laughed along with her. Roman and Twilight watched them, looking rather puzzled.
“What is so funny?” his cousin asked.
Niko froze, suddenly remembering something very important. “Roman?” he asked slowly, turning his head to face his cousin. “Doesn’t Brucie always take a cooler full of booze in helicopter?”
Roman’s expression froze on his face. Slowly, his eyes rolled in his skull to fall upon Niko’s. “Yes,” he replied cautiously.
“Did Brucie take booze in cooler this time?” Niko maintained a straight face and monotone expression. There was hardly a sound apart form that of their own breathing.
Roman nodded his head vigorously. “Yes.” His eyes clouded with worry. “Cooler was on helicopter.”
“Wait a minute,” Rainbow cut in. “Are you telling me there’s more of that good stuff on the crashed thing?”
“Yes,” Roman said.
She balked at him. “And you left it there!?”
Roman held out his arms defensively. “I am sorry,” he said hurriedly. “I was not thinking about booze when I crashed.”
“What?” Niko gasped sarcastically. “Roman was close to booze and it is still there?”
“You better have saved some for me,” Rainbow added.
“What?” Roman looked flustered. “I did not drink helicopter beer!”
Niko sighed. “I told you not to drink and fly helicopter Roman. It makes you crash.”
Roman’s face trembled. “I do not know how to fly helicopter!”
Niko waved his arms, signifying that Roman was getting the point. “That is why you should not drink and fly. If you do not know how to fly, booze makes it harder.”
“I wasn’t drinking Brucie’s damned booze!” Roman shouted.
“I doubt that!” Rainbow shot back.”
The room fell completely silent. Roman glared at all of them. Niko was suppressing a smile. Twilight just looked confused.
They all broke out at once. “This is why you are fat Roman,” Niko yelled over the ruckus.
“I did not touch the cooler!” Roman bellowed, clasping his head in his hands.
“If there isn’t any left…” Rainbow was saying.
Twilight stomped a hoof. “Would one of you please tell me what’s going on!?” The last six words were shouted in a high pitched, flustered tone.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on!” An angry voice shouted from the top of the stairs. “A tired dragon is trying to sleep!” He hurled a thick-backed book at them from the top of the stairs. Niko turned in time to see it strike him in the side if the head.
The room fell silent once again. Even the crickets outside seemed to stop chirping.
Slowly, menacingly, Niko turned his angry gaze to the baby dragon. The left side of his face where the book had struck him was going red.
“You okay there?” Rainbow asked nervously. She reached out a hoof and prodded his waist. “Hello there?” she insisted. “You okay?”
Niko took a moment to reply. “Baby dragon hit me with book,” he stated slowly, his voice dangerously level. The tension in the room was building. It was only a matter of moments before something exploded. Niko looked up at Spike. “Why would you hit me with book?”
The little dragon went pale. “B-b-because,” Spike stammered. He pointed hurriedly at Roman. “Because I was aiming for him.”
Niko walked a slow circle around the main room, his hands clasped behind his back. “It did not knock me out,” he finally said, attempting to sound cheerful despite the still sustained anger. “I guess I am okay.”
Everyone but Roman breathed a sigh of relief. “I-I’m going to bed now,” Spike said hurriedly.
Niko started laughing. He walked back over to the group by the door and pointed an accusing finger at Roman, looking for someone to take anger out on. “Why do you always have to be such a douchebag?”
“Hey,” he protested. “I am not douchebag.”
“What’s a douchebag?” Twilight asked curiously.
Niko stopped laughing. Roman looked down at her and snickered. “It is thing that women—”
Niko drove an elbow into his side. “It is not word for ponies,” he corrected.
“Okay?” Twilight still looked curious, but dropped the topic.
Niko looked over to Roman to shoot him a dirty look. But he appeared to be having some sort of a fit. His face had gone white and his right eye twitched. He was wearing the largest fake smile Niko had ever seen.
“Roman?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“I am talking to coloring book horse,” he said distantly.
Rainbow prodded Roman in the leg. He didn’t respond. “He doesn’t look too good,” she stated.
“What’s he doing?” Twilight asked. Roman took a stiff-legged step forward. Niko shot a glance at the lavender pony. “Get rope,” he commanded.
“Rope?” she scrunched her face curiously.
“He is about to have breakdown like I did on first day.” He nodded towards Roman, who was now staring up at the ceiling, giggling. “We should tie him up or he might do something bad.”
* * *
“Help!” Roman yelled again.
“Stop yelling!” Niko shouted back. Roman was tied to an upright ladder, used for climbing a bookshelf.
Roman strained against the ropes binding him. “Help me!” he bellowed. “They have me tied to books!”
“Is there something wrong with him?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah,” Rainbow added. “He’s been screaming for like, an hour now.”
Roman had fallen asleep shortly after being tied up. Upon awakening, Roman had begun screaming. They had all been woken early to the sound of Niko’s panicked cousin. So far, the screams had not subsided. Spike was, out of all of them, the most annoyed. The baby dragon was currently lying in bed, a pillow clasped firmly over his head.
“Roman,” Niko said with great exasperation. “The ponies are not going to hurt you; or shoot you in stomach.”
“You’re lying!” Roman strained even harder against his bindings. “They want to cut out my kidneys and sell them on internet!”
Niko was starting to lose his patients. “Ponies do not even have internet!”
“Besides,” Twilight added helpfully. “Humans have a totally different anatomy than us. Even if we did take your kidney.” She shuddered at the prospect. “There’s no way we could actually use it.”
Roman’s reply was to scream again.
Niko stalked threateningly towards his cousin. “If you scream one more time, I will hit you with book.”
“Is that necessary?” Twilight asked.
“I think so!” yelled Spike from upstairs.
Niko cringed as Roman screamed again. “I said I would!” he snapped. He reached for the bookshelf and pulled a hardback purple book from the shelf.
“No, wait!” Twilight exclaimed. The book in his hand was enveloped in purple magic and pulled from his grasp. He still didn’t think magic was fair. Unicorns could move things without even touching them. She passed him a much larger brown book. “I don’t want you to ruin the other one,” she said sheepishly.
Niko hefted the new book experimentally. The title read,
Gummy
By: Steedson King
Niko flipped open the front cover to read the description.
Gummy is a two pound alligator, the beloved pet of Pinkemina Pie. One day Gummy pursues a balloon into a bolt-hole--a cave inhabited by some very sick parasprites. What happens to Gummy, and to those unlucky enough to be near him, makes for the most heart-squeezing novel Steedson King has yet written.
“No! No please, don’t hit me!” Roman pleaded.
“Will you stop screaming?” Niko asked in a bargaining tone.
Roman nodded vigorously.
“Will you stay calm if I untie you?”
“Don’t listen to him!” Spike yelled.
“I will behave,” Roman begged sincerely.
Twilight stepped forward. “If he doesn’t stop screaming ponies are going to think I’m torturing some poor animal in my library,” she muttered apprehensively.
“Does Roman always do this?” Rainbow asked.
“Yes,” Niko replied. “He screams a lot.”
“Tell me about it,” she groaned.
Niko approached Roman and began to untie him. “What do you say?” he asked. “Once you are untied we go see town?”
Roman nodded. He still appeared to be somewhat panicked. “Sure.”
“But if you scream,” Niko warned. “I will find something to hit you with.”
* * *
“Niko, I do not like this,” Roman whispered worriedly. “They are all looking at me.”
Niko looked around. All of the ponies were in fact looking at them. Some glared, others just looked curious. They were in the market. So far, this proved to be the busiest place in Ponyville.
“It is okay,” he reassured. “Ponies are just not used to humans here. You get used to stares.”
“Well I’m not used to them yet,” Roman shot back. “And they are making me feel uncomfortable.”
Niko spotted Berry and gave her a friendly wave. She nodded in his direction. This time, the pony did not have any grapes with her. But she did have several tinted bottles in a saddlebag. She nodded towards them and winked.
Roman held out his arms, having seen their exchange. “What the hell was that?”
“Me greeting yesterday’s friend,” Niko answered.
Roman snickered. “Niko Bellic, you have friends? I thought you hated all people?”
Niko rolled his eyes. “I don’t hate people Roman. I just don’t like how people are. Ponies are whole different thing from people. They aren’t great big assholes.”
Roman looked around again. “Then why are they all glaring at me?”
“Maybe because your shirt looks like it was made of old clown suit.” Niko spotted a familiar pink pony in the crowd. Her frizzy mane resembled cotton candy without the stick. Her blue eyes were fixed excitedly on them. Niko froze. He held out a hand to stop Roman.
“What?” his cousin asked.
Niko turned him away from the prying eyes of the psycho pony. “We will walk other way now.”
“But why?” Roman asked in misunderstanding. “We were going that way.”
Niko looked back; he couldn’t see her right now. “Because, I want to go new way.”
Roman looked back as well. “What are you looking at?”
Niko pulled his head back around and gave it a small shake. “Nothing,” he dismissed. “I just thought I saw something.”
Roman followed. “Are you feeling okay Niko Bellic?” he asked.
Niko spotted the same pair of blue eyes behind a booth ahead. He grasped Roman’s arm and spun him around.
Roman let out an exclamation of pain. “What the fuck Niko?” he gasped. “That was hurt arm.”
Niko grabbed by the other arm and pulled him away from the booth where he had spotted the eyes. “Sorry,” he apologized insincerely. He spotted a tuft of pink mane through a crowd of ponies to the left. Before he knew it, he was sprinting through the market, dragging Roman in his wake.
“Niko what the hell is wrong with you?” Roman asked. He almost lost his balance but Niko tugged him upright.
“I do not want to meet crazy pony!” he replied. Niko slid to a stop and looked around frantically for the frizzy pink shape.
“What crazy pony?” Roman asked. “Niko, are you sure I am the one having bad time coping?”
Niko looked down to see Pinkie gazing up at him with anticipation. He nearly jumped a foot in the air. “That one!” he exclaimed, backpedalling quickly.
“Hi!” Pinkie greeted cheerfully.
Niko regained himself and cleared his throat. “Good morning Pinkie,” he replied levelly.
“Hello Niko,” she bounced, literally. Roman went cross-eyed to look at the pony as she rose to his head height, then dropped back to the ground again. Her head would pop up again in a hypnotizing repetitive motion, like that of a steam piston working. “Isn’t today a wonderful day?” she started. “I mean, the sun is out, the birds are chirping and everypony is having a really great time because the day is so nice. It was so nice that I decided to take a break and come out here to enjoy the beautiful day because, like, who wouldn’t want to enjoy a day as great as this?”
Roman just stared blankly at the bouncing pink pony. “Um, yes,” Niko replied hesitantly. “It is nice day.”
Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly. “What were you two doing out on such a beautiful day?” At the peak of her bounce she turned her head upside down in midair to peer up at Roman. “And what’s he doing here? I thought one human getting here was hard to do but then two of them and they both look the same but this one is wearing a clown shirt.”
“Don’t you run out of breath?” Roman asked confusedly.
“No,” Niko groaned. “She never stops talking.”
Roman pointed to his clothes. “By the way, this is not clown suit. This is most popular fashion back in Liberty City.”
Niko snorted. “More like guy magnet.”
“Hey, I like his clothes,” Pinkie protested.
Roman smiled at Pinkie. “You know,” he mused. “I like pink pony.”
Pinkie giggled. “I like you too. My name’s Pinkie.” She bounced up to his eye level to state her name. “What’s yours?”
“Roman,” he replied cheerfully.
Niko clasped his head in his hands. “Oh no, now there are two of them.”
“What do you want to do Roman?” Pinkie asked happily. She gave an extra high bounce.
Roman thought for a moment. “I do not know,” he finally replied. “I do not know what you ponies do.”
“Oh I have a wonderful idea!” Pinkie beamed. “I can show you my party cannon!”
“Does it shoot stuff?” Roman asked delightedly.
“Yeah!” Pinkie replied with even more enthusiasm that before.
Roman clapped his hands. “Alright! Let us go see party cannon.”
Pinkie turned to lead him away. Roman looked back at Niko. “Are you coming cousin.”
“No,” Niko replied hurriedly. Roman just shrugged. “I think I will go help Berry Punch or something.”
“Fine by me,” his cousin replied.
“You coming Roman?” Pinkie asked persistently
“Yes!” he replied. The two ran off towards wherever they were going. Niko fought the urge to scream. How had the most annoying person in the world somehow managed to meet the most annoying pony in the world?
He set off to look for Berry. He wanted to get the thought of Roman and Pinkie out of his mind. He did not like the sound of his cousin around anything that exploded.
<........Yeah.
have a chapter or something
~Sorren