Confeatheracy of Dunces

by BlueBastard


Chapter 4 - "Cheerilee and her Mighty Wings"

Confeatheracy of Dunces

Chapter 4 - "Cheerilee and her Mighty Wings"

“Ow, ow, ow!” whimpered Rainbow as she felt the bandage tighten around her left wing, the nerves sending her brain rapid signals of minor pain.

“And…there…we…go!” declared Silver, tearing off the roll of medical bandages from the coil now around the grounded pegasus. “You’re lucky you only have a moderate sprain, it’ll hurt for the rest of the day but as long as you don’t put pressure on it or, more likely, try to fly again, you’ll be right as rain tomorrow.”

“More importantly,” added a slightly miffed Cheerilee, “you’ll actually do exactly what I say you should do and not attempt to immediately take off into the air after only two hours of reviewing proper take-off practices.”

Rainbow nickered. “Hey, I had airtime, so no disrespect meant, Cheerilee, but I think I’ve gotten the hang of take-off now.”

“Uh, no, not really,” Twilight interjected.  “Right from the start you tried to do a standing take-off from inside the doorway, immediately banked hard to your left because you had no control other than happening to lean that way, and then managed to glide in an arc over the roof of the school only to hit your left wing on the gutter on the way down on the other side.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, I get it that was a bad idea, given I’m going to be in pain for the rest of the day and not able to even try flying again.  It’s a pretty annoying reminder I’ve got attached to my back so I’d appreciate it if ponies quit bringing it up!”

“Ahem!” grunted Cheerilee, attempting to regain control of the situation. “While it is important that, above all else, you don’t be the judge of whether or not you are back in top condition and are ready to try flying like you used to, I would like to point out that you’re able to get off the ground fairly easily, so that’s already significant progress inside the first day of your therapy!”

 Cheerilee smiled when she saw Rainbow become less tense at the fact she wouldn’t need to go through more hours of “learning how to jump in the air while flapping your wings” which initially had been planned to be the subject of the whole day. While Rainbow was the first pegasus to lose her ability to fly from a freak Everfree lightning strike, she wasn’t the first pegasus who needed therapy to regain flight for whatever reason. Twilight had thus acquired a published guide for flight training therapy that, combined with what Cheerilee’s mother had briefly explained the day before, at least gave Cheerilee a rough lesson plan to work off of. Of course, the guide assumed the reader was both a natural-born pegasus and a licensed physical trainer, of which Cheerilee was neither, but if she could do a three-hour lecture on the finer details of discrete mathematics in college when her instructor had only given her a single-sentence lesson plan of “your subject is discrete mathematics”, having a full guide was foal’s play in her hooves.  

“So,” asked Rainbow, “what’s next? After lunch, I mean.”

“Well, since it is lunchtime, maybe we can talk about your diet and nutrition?” suggested Cheerilee.

“And by we, you actually mean me I’ll bet,” chuckled Silver. “Trying to make me become less relevant in the long run already, dear sister?”

“Like you weren’t already going to lecture me about my eating habits at some point, Silver.”

“What, you mean after the part where I tell you that having multiple secret caches of hard apple cider-“

Rainbow’s ears perked up and she involuntarily throttled Silver, pinning him to the ground with a slightly crazed look in her eyes. “What did you say about ‘secret caches of hard apple cider?!’”

Shocked at Rainbow’s sudden grapple, Silver could only babble has he tried to figure out what had set her off. “I…who…cider what?”

“He’s joking, Dash,” quickly explained Cheerilee, but when Dash had closed her eyes in a sigh of disappointment, the teacher’s eyes shot a nasty glare at her brother that only too clearly carried the message of Don’t you get the point of why they’re secret caches? and a very understandable message of what she might do to him if he ever accidently forgot that again in Rainbow’s presence.

“Okay, Silver?” a very annoyed voice suddenly sounded, “you have three seconds to explain why you are in that position and there is a mare who is not me on top of you.”

“Huh?” Rainbow suddenly realized the very compromising position she’d put both herself and Silver into. “Oh, jeez! Look, Ms. Chalkboard, this isn’t what it looks like!”

To everypony’s surprise, Dusty immediately dropped the angry face and was laughing heartily. “I’m just messing with you all! Fluttershy and I were close enough to hear enough of the context having involved something about apple cider, and she was kind enough to explain you have quite an addiction to the stuff, or so it seems.

Rainbow’s face immediately turned as red as the streaks in her mane as she stepped off the stallion. “I am not addicted to it, thank you very much!” Then as Fluttershy herself stepped into view, the bandaged pony turned to look at her fillyhood friend with an expression of disbelief. “And why would you say such a thing about me, Fluttershy? I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends, Rainbow,” calmly replied the butter yellow pegasus, “but you have no problem dragging me out of bed at five in the morning – before Celestia even raised the sun – that one time a year or two ago just to drag me to wait in line for the Apples to start selling cider, and you still somehow barely got a mug of the stuff by the end of that whole episode with the Flim Flams, which until things got so bad to the point Applejack and her family nearly-“

“Okay, okay! Fine, so maybe I do have something more than a little unhealthy fixation for cider, given it’s my favorite drink in the whole world. Is that so bad?”

“Well…” began Silver, extremely wary of what Rainbow might do to him after hearing what he was going to say. “Given that you’re supposed to be undergoing therapy, as your interim nutritionist I have to insist you refrain from consuming any drinks that have alcohol in them or could otherwise impair your physical and mental capabilities for a short while.”

To his – and generally everypony else’s – surprise, Rainbow just shrugged. “Meh, no big deal. I rarely ever get the chance to drink it anyway. It wouldn’t have looked good for me back when I was still trying to get into the Wonderbolts Training program if I had a medical report that had me getting drunk way too much, so I only limit myself to one drink a month outside of cider season – because you’d have to be crazy not to get as much as you can of that liquid gold during its prime time – and I stick to that more than ever seeing as how I’m in the reserves.”

“Then why did you react so suddenly when I-“

“Did you know apple cider actually ages like wine? The longer it’s kept in storage, especially proper storage, it gets better over time. The idea that somepony has a whole stash of aged cider just makes my mouth water, and if it wasn’t obvious already I have some pretty bad impulse control, so cut me some slack, ok?”

The good doctor could only sigh. “Why do I have a bad feeling about what that says about your regular eating habits?” If there had been anything Silver had wanted to add, he refrained from doing so as the arrival of Fluttershy and Dusty got everybody’s attention.

“Lunchtime!” chirped Fluttershy as the pair began to unload their saddlebags and pass out boxes full of food. The original plan had been for everypony to head to the nearby Burger Princess, but when Rainbow decided to make her ill-advised latest attempt to fly, Fluttershy and Dusty had opted to just bring back food while Silver treated Rainbow’s latest injury. While hayburgers with select condiments and a pouch of horseshoe fries, plus medium soda, wasn’t the greatest of local cuisine, it was fast and cheap. Though Rainbow once again surprised the group when Fluttershy handed over her lunch. “And here’s yours, Rainbow; one large salad with a side of apple slices, plus water.”

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” acknowledged Rainbow, taking the box and taking no time to begin consuming the contents, halfway through chewing a bite of leafy lettuce and tomatoes before realizing she was once again the center of attention. “Fervioufsly?” she mumbled through her food-loaded mouth, before swallowing it down. “What’s wrong with me getting a simple salad?”

“Well,” said Dusty, “to be perfectly honest I thought Fluttershy was joking when she got a salad for both herself and you, since you seem to be the kind of pony who would go for the Double Harmony Haybacon Cheeseburger combo.”

“Are you kidding? Those burgers are loaded with carbs – the bad kind! No athlete on the fast track to Wonderbolt stardom like myself is that confident in their metabolism! Seriously, you’d need to be an alicorn princess to be able to keep one’s figure and still eat even a Princess Supremeburger on a regular basis!”

While nopony intended it, Rainbow’s mention of “alicorn princess” had them all look toward Twilight, who they realized was eating a Princess Supremeburger and a Double Harmony Haybacon Cheeseburger. Rather sloppily, too.

“Well, Silver, looks like you have your work cut out for you!” jested Cheerilee, lightly ribbing her brother in the side.

Just then, Twilight realized everypony was looking at her. “Um, do I have something on my face?” she asked, before promptly wiping her face…with the burger.
“Ineed, sister,” groaned Silver. “Evidently Rainbow Dash isn’t the only one who needs my services in one manner or another.”


“WhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” wailed Rarity, unable to control herself as she was dragged all over the immediate area at rapid speed.

“Well, gee, Rarity,” chuckled Applejack, “Ah’ll readily admit Ah don’t know the first thing about lookin’ fer gems with magic, on account of not havin’ a horn stickin’ outta mah skull like you unicorns, but Ah don’t think yer doin’ it right.”

“No, Applejack, I quite assure you that I – WHAAAA! – have everything complet-EEK!-ly under controOOOOOAHHHHHH!”

Applejack just shook her head, and then picked up the lasso she’d brought out purely on gut feeling, a feeling that evidently had been correct. With well-honed skill, she easily lassoed the airborne unicorn, but unexpectedly she found herself now pulled along for the ride. Together, the two ponies went flying all over with no idea how to stop.

“Uh, Rares?” hollered Applejack, holding onto the rope for dear life, “ya mind exercisin’ some of that control and stoppin’ this buckin’ bull ride?!”

"Dear, I might have...erred a bit.  A slight mistake.  Slight, you understand."

"Y' mean t' say yer wrong?"

"I...yes.  I am not too proud to admit it...though it is not as though I make errors often.  It would just not do for a lady to be erroneous, you understand."

“Oh fer…Look, Rares, Ah know you’re always wantin’ to be th’ ‘girl on th’ go’ or whatever, but Ah’m more concerned about gettin’ back to bein’ stationary than anything else right now!”

“Well, er…when I figure that part out, I’ll let you know!” The audible squee from Rarity’s apologetic grin only made Applejack roll her eyes. This was not what either of them had expected to happen when the farmer had asked for the fashionista’s help. Apparently, while plowing the fields for non-apple crops to be sown, Big Mac had accidently discovered the fields had become embedded with gems, probably having risen from the surface by some means after all these years of use. Thus, Applejack had figured Rarity’s gem-finding spell would be able to rapidly pluck the gems out, as leaving them in would only damage equipment and hurt the soil’s ability to support crops.

The spell backfiring and ultimately leading to Rarity –and now Applejack, too – flying all over the field while gems randomly shot up from the ground had made a simple but time-intensive task into a potentially harmful flight exercise neither unicorn nor earth pony could figure out how to leave.

Or at least not until Big Mac suddenly showed up out of nowhere and intercepted Rarity mid-flight, grappling her in a bear hug. The combined weight of Rarity and the most massive stallion in Ponyville immediately brought them to a slightly hard landing, leaving Applejack no choice but to let go of the rope and tumble through the air over them before making her own rough landing a few feet away.

“Ah thought you two were clearin’ the field of rocks,” said Big Mac, mild amusement in his voice, “not tryin’ to learn how t’ fly yerselves!”

“Trust me, Mac, the latter was unintentional,” nickered Applejack, who strode over and gave a weak knock onto Rarity’s still illuminated horn. Instantly the light died, and with it all the floating gems that had been raised out of the field fell back to the earth below.

“Ow!” whimpered Rarity, her head reverberating from the force applied to her horn. “Honestly, Applejack, do be careful, you should know any kind of blow to a unicorn’s most well known feature can be more harmful than you think due to the physical and cultural taboos of such a thing!”

The cowpony just chuckled, knowing Rarity was just whining for the sake of her bruised dignity. “Like Ah said, Rares, Ah wouldn’t know anythin’ about that kinda stuff, since Ah don’t have an extension of mah brain an’ skull comin’ outta mah forehead. Plus, better that Ah stop the spell before you up and go off flyin’ once more.”

Rarity sighed, knowing she had to admit defeat. “Oh, fine, I’ll excuse it this time, but only because you’re my friend, Applejack.” As she stood up once Big Mac was off her form, she surveyed the field. “At the very least I managed to accomplish what I said I’d do for you, albeit in an unusual way. All the gems, or at least the majority of them, should now be pulled from the ground and be ready to be collected. I’d also be happy to appraise them, provided I get to take some for myself and…” she glanced down at her coat, now ruined with dust and dirt marks, to say nothing of her mane, “once I tidy myself up with a quick trip home.”

“Don’t go flyin’ back, though,” jested Big Mac, “Ah’m sure the town’s already kind of uneasy having one non-pegasus trying to do that given what Cheerilee is doin’.”

“Ah still think she’s crazy for wantin’ to go back to bein’ a pegasus,” said Applejack. “Ah myself can’t imagine what it’s like havin’ an extra set of limbs on their back and tryin’ to coordinate legs and wings at the same time.”

“Applejack, do you really think so little of Cheerilee?” scolded Rarity.

“Of course Ah don’t! Ah said she was crazy, not that it was the wrong thing t’ do! B’sides, didn’t Twilight say somethin’ to us the other day about how Cheerilee didn’t really have a choice in the matter, anyway, ‘cause of somethin’ Mayor Mare did?”

“I do recall something about that being said, but I do hope it doesn’t have to do with the possibility of her losing her job. The town council has been trying to make Ponyville Elementary a historical landmark museum for years now, I suspect just because they want the tax credit on the education budget.”

“But if they shut the school down, what’s gonna happen to Cheerilee?” asked Big Mac, his sudden interest not escaping notice of the two mares. “Ah mean, we all know what our little sisters get into – Celestia above knows Ah know better than most – but is there anypony else who would have the patience to handle those three as much as Cheerilee?”

“Or Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara’s antics as well,” added Rarity. “I think Cheerilee’s managed to get into a position of respect from those two that nopony else, except maybe their own parents, can get from them. Letting her go from the education system would be a terrible mistake.”

“One not easily corrected, either,” agreed Applejack. “Chances are that she’d probably move out of town soon after, given Ah don’t think Ponyville’s educational system is in need of more teachers.” She suddenly caught the virtually unnoticeable change in Big Mac’s stance. “Okay, big brother, is there something about this you’re so interested in that you’re not tellin’ us?”

“Eeee-nope” said Big Mac with a straight face.

“Applejack, whatever are you…ohhhhhhhhhhh…” Rarity’s eyes gleamed. “Well, I’m certain that potion has worn off after all this time, so if what I’m starting to see is true, then maybe the Crusaders were more adept at playing matchmaker than anypony gave them credit for.”

“Come again?” asked Applejack, pretending to not know exactly where Rarity was going even as the beginnings of a wide grin began to form at the corners of her muzzle.

“Oh, don’t be so coy, darling,” continued the unicorn, playing along with Applejack much to the bewilderment of the stallion in their presence. “You know just as well as I do what a stallion is like when he’s got the hots for somebody.”

“Ah thought we agreed to never speak of the Trenderhoof affair again,” snorted Applejack, mildly annoyed even though she had to agree with Rarity’s assessment that lately, Big Mac had been acting somewhat oddly similar to how Trenderhoof had been around Applejack.

Big Mac, realizing what his sister and her friend might be up to, tried to make his way back to the safety of the house, but immediately failed when Rarity dashed over and draped herself over his neck. “And surely even you noticed how Cheerilee simply swooned over your performance that one time when Fluttershy was providing backup for your missing voice in the Ponytones concert?”

“Ah, er…” stammered Big Mac, a blush starting to appear on his cheeks which, given his natural deep red coat, meant he was blushing furiously. “Ah don’t think that’s proper to be judging her, since that wasn’t actually me singin’ then.”

“Big Mac, darling, just because your sister is not the most adept at lying because she’s the Element of Honesty doesn’t mean you can’t be able to get away with one or two…modifications of the truth. Your real singing voice is why you’re with the Ponytones anyway, so it’s not even that much of a stretch to begin with, we could simply say you had a cold or something! But yes, I can see it now, you two really do have an attraction to each other!”

“Well, Ah can, um, see you two have a lot to talk about, so…if y’all need me Ah’ll be pickin’ up gems on the other side of this here field!” Then with the speed of Pinkie Pie, Applejack raced off, her contained laughter released along the way.

Big Mac barely even registered his sister’s departure, his primary concern being just what he’d been dragged into. Ah knew AJ was going to pay me back for all those Trenderhoof jokes at her expense, he thought, just never thought it would be by leaving me at the mercy of one of her friends.


Cheerilee was at odds with her situation. On the one hoof, here she was, late at night, reviewing notes for reasons that ultimately had nothing to do with her, to pass an exam that was more of a self-administered test on herself than to prove to anypony else her worth. More specifically, she was reviewing a book full of tips and tricks meant for pegasus younglings who were ready to take to the air for the first time. She certainly was a young pegasus about that age in terms of skill in flying – which is to say, she’d managed to hover, but actual, sustained flight was still beyond her. Normally, as a schoolteacher, she only stayed up late this long when grading tests. And Celestia knows how much she needed her sleep these days, even with the cloudbed mattress.

On the other hoof, here she was, late at night, reviewing notes for reasons that ultimately had nothing to do with her, to pass an exam that was more of a self-administered test on herself than to prove to anypony else her worth. It was just like her college days, the sleepless and long nights of reinforcing concepts that to this day she still remembered but never used. Her hair was a lot less frizzy and she had long since stopped wearing the “rebellious” clothes of her younger late teens, but this…this was a harkening back to the days of yore. This was learning’s element, this was where she thrived.

Taking a deep breath, she finished her five-chapter run in the five-pound text, marking the spot before closing it. Rising from the stool, she trotted outside so she stood just a bit from her door, the light from inside still bathing her.

“Now or never,” she whispered, concentrating hard. She’d long since gotten the hang of her new wings, furling them out evenly and controlled like it was second nature. Then, applying what she’d spent the last hour-and-a-half reading, she slowly left the ground with the whisper-quiet flaps of her wings. It was an unsteady rise, she leaned almost too far to her left once or twice, but it didn’t take long to ascend to the height where she could easily step onto her own roof. While fifteen feet was hardly a milestone worth crowing about, it was the highest she’d ever gotten thus far. She breathed deep, swelling her chest out with confidence, then with absolutely no forethought immediately tried to take off from her roof.

By the time she realized she had executed a takeoff that relied on a wind to her back, from the top of her roof on a night where the wind was still, there was no time to recover before she careened into the ground.

“Back to the drawing board…” she groaned, dizzy and stumbling back into her house, failing the first time by half-walking, half-falling into a faceplant on her door’s frame. She succeeded the second time, managing to cling to her kitchen table at long last and shook herself back into focus. She then looked at the clock, “1 AM? I’ve still got time…” She then reached toward the floorboards and lifted up a false panel, gingerly setting it aside. Revealed to the world now was a concrete-lined miniature wine cellar, but it held no wine. Instead, it held about fifty bottles of Sweet Apple Acres cider, each one individually labeled with the year as to identify its vintage. She’d need to do a recount soon to remember how many bottles of the ‘good stuff’ she had remaining, but at the rate this night was going, she was going to need a little boost. Making sure to take a bottle that was only maybe a year or two old, she placed it on the counter before resealing up the hidden alcohol stores. Once it was back in place, Cheerilee then stood atop her hidden treasure as she opened up the one on the counter. “Bottoms up,” she said with a grin, then downed the whole thing in one swig. If this was going to be a revisit to the glory days of college, she might as well make it as authentic as possible by including the only thing she had that was better than a 6-pack of Ruby Minotaur.


The next morning…

“And so, in 957, King Minos XVI led his army personally in the ill-fated ‘Minotaur Invasion’ of Equestria,” droned Breakfast Club, not really trying to hide the fact she was just as bored as her hoofful of students were. “Traitors to the crown had sent him word that Princess Celestia had come down with a serious case of ponypox, crippling her such that she supposedly was confined to her bed. Without the matron of the sun and moon, King Minos was certain that his minotaur army was stronger than any individual pony in a hoof-to-hoof conflict, and his ranged forces had many more crossbows that, he claimed, could ‘blot out the sun’ in terms of how many arrows could be loosed at once.” She paused for a few moments, letting the students jot down notes before continuing. “Of course, the information he had been given was wrong, and the princess’s sickness nothing more than a bad head cold that had long since passed when she met the might of the minotaur army head on. King Minos had been correct in that his archers temporarily darkened the sky with their arrows, but they were powerless to stop her highness from simply using the sun’s heat to incinerate the arrows before they ever could pose a threat to the ponies below. Angered that the king was so petty as to willingly break the peace treaty between Equestria and the Minotaur Kingdom, Celestia channeled all her rage into ancient, terraforming spells that when unleashed forever would scar the battlefield into a wrecked landscape that we know today as the Badlands.”

One colt raised his hand, “why do we call it the ‘Badlands’ when their creation was what helped save Equestria from the minotaurs and forced them into the next peace treaty that has lasted to this day? Shouldn’t they be called the ‘Goodlands’ in that case?”

“I have no idea, Sweet Tooth,” replied Club, “I’m just telling you as it…is…one moment, children.” She wandered over to the window, where something moving fast had caught her eye.

“Is everything alright, Ms. Club?” asked another student.

“Yes, yes, everything is fine, just thought I…no…” The blue-and-orange maned mare couldn’t help but gasp when the thing that had caught her eye reappeared. There, in the distance, was an unmistakable mulberry colored speck soaring through the air.

Cheerilee.

She’d done it, somehow, that haridelle had actually managed to learn how to fly.

“Ms. Club?”

“Wha? Oh, sorry, sorry!” she profusely apologized, “just got distracted, that’s all!” Her students didn’t entirely buy the act, especially not with the slight twitch in her left eye and the miniscule signs of her calm smiles being possibly forced, but really as long as they didn’t talk if they knew what was good for them, Club didn’t care all that much. For the rest of the day, she was internally livid at having to watch her eternal bane soar through the air.

This is the final straw, mentally growled Club, feeling just as every bit pissed off as Celestia had been against the idiot minotaurs, for years that hick teacher has been overstepping her place, it’s time me and the girls put her back in it once and for all!