//------------------------------// // Can't spell 'Harmony' without 'Harm' // Story: The Lyruminati // by Silly Words //------------------------------// “No, no, bills, no, huh? 'We stick your business into other people's noses. Flim&Flam's advertising company' – what, did Snails deliver the mail today? I thought I told Derpy this kind of thing is rubbish and belongs with other rubbish!” Bon-Bon looked away from wiping washed dishes to her frantic niece, who was sorting through the morning mail. “Eh, there's probably some mailmare code to deliver everything, no exceptions. What are you searching so fervently for anyway? Oh, are you expecting some message from your coltfriend?” she asked, a sly smile appearing on her face. Lyra, shuffling through the pile of letters as if expecting another one to materialize within it, suddenly paused. “Huh? Who are you talking about?” “Oh, you know, the unicorn you were with at Horte's place a week ago? I saw you both having fun over dinner.” Realization flashed in Lyra's eyes. “Oh, you mean Ivan? Well, yes, I am expecting a letter from him, but he's not my coltfriend.” “That's what they always say.” “No. Seriously. He's… something between a friend and an acquaintance. He used to work as a reporter and interviewer, and would always bring me obscure inside information on things happening. The news company that he worked for has just been reorganized, though, and he's not sure if he's still supposed to work for them or not. He can always keep making tables in Stalliongrad, so he's fine anyway. Still, as a reporter he's seen a lot of the world and we agreed he'd send me a few recommendations on where it might be possible for me to move and open shop instead of Ponyville.” “Oh.” Bonbon dropped her smile and returned to placing the cleaned dishes to their cupboards. Then she doubled back. “Wait. You plan on moving away? When exactly were you planning on telling me?” “Oh. Well, I hoped to keep it a secret until just before leaving. But of course I am thinking about it.” Lyra put the letters away and looked around, searching if there were any eavesdroppers. She even opened a window to check if anypony was outside. Bon-bon just rolled her eyes before Lyra continued: “Didn't you see what's grown up just outside my workshop?” “You mean princess Sparkle's new tree castle?” “Yes! And you know what? First thing she does is place a telescope in a place where she could easily spy on what I do inside! If I made a discovery that could ruffle her feathers or feathers of one of the other princesses, She'll be ready to throw me to the moon, or an asteroid at least!” “Really, Lyra? Isn't she your friend? Why would she be spying on you? Especially in such an obvious way?” “It's not just that. I believe it's also better if I moved as far as I can from the Elements of Harmony as well.” “This again? Can't you relax about them already? They're doing a very good job at protecting ponies from danger.” “That's what they want you to think.” After the years, Bon-Bon knew she didn't want to ask and so she didn't. However, after the years, Lyra's habit of answering even the questions that weren't asked developed as well, and so she went on a tirade. “You see, they operate like… like… a bureaucrat! They only solve problems that wouldn't exist without them in the first place!” Bon-Bon inhaled to protest, but wasn't quick enough. “The ursa! Nightmare Moon! Discord! Tirek! Pinkie Pies! They all basically happened in the short time span where ponies had the Elements of Harmony in possession. Before that? Centuries of piece and prosperity! I refuse to live this close to such a plot device that causes so much trouble to look good!” “Lyra! Watch your language!” Bon-Bon finally found an opening. ”And stop making up connections where there aren't any. Just think. For example, Discord was around even before ponies knew about the elements. And the years between Luna's banishment and return were hardly peaceful.” “Yeah, sure, there might have been a few minor skirmishes–“ “Minor skirmishes? You call the griffin siege of Stratopolis a minor skirmish? Just how many history classes have you skipped?” “– but really, there's nothing that can convince me those rainbow rocks aren't cursed.“ The earth pony mare just exhaled, somewhat annoyed. Lyra's outbursts usually didn't happen before lunch. “Well, if it's really that bad, tell me, where exactly would you think it's better to live?” “Oh, well…” Lyra paused, somewhat caught off guard. “So far, the Griffon kingdoms seems too violent, even though business-wise, I'd get many more commissions on string instruments. The minotaur republic is supposedly fine, except for their architecture, in which even the most skilled ponies easily lose their bearings when not paying enough attention. Also, the accesibility for creatures with low statures is supposedly nonexistant. Then there's Humpolia, but their recent arrest of Aluminium Foil shows their laws are weird and strict. Breezies lack the infrastructure, not to mention it's a miracle they haven't died out yet. The Crystal Empire and Saddle Arabia are too closely tied to Equestria, so they are out of the question. And I'm still waiting for the letter about how things look in the Seabria and Zebrabwe federation.” “Seabria? Aren't those the smilopon?” asked Bon-bon carefully. “Yep! The one pony tribe Celestia prefers to avoid. The perfect hiding spot!” “Oh. Well, in that case, congratulations on getting over your phobia.” “What do you mean?” “You know. You told me, back when the Ursa minor attacked and chewed through the roof, it missed you by a hair, and since then you can't stand to look at teeth.” “What does that have to do with anything?” “You know… Smilopon? Sabertooth pony? They do call them that for a reason.” “Oh! Oh. I see. I might have to do a little more research…” The day after, Lyra sat on a bench at the edge of the town park. She observed the ponies enjoying themselves around her, and occasionally wrote a note into a block she had with herself. “Ah, there you are.” A familiar voice caught her attention. She turned to see Bon-bon carrying a basket of flowers. “I got these from Junebug, I think they will look nice around the house.” “Uh huh.” “So, what are you up to? Still planning your move out of Ponyville? Did you get your letter?” “Eh, no, I didn't. But I decided to stay anyway.” “Oh, good…” “Moving out is kinda high profile anyway, I'd have to go about it differently. But-!” Before she continued, she paused for a second, and then continued with an excited whisper: “It made me notice something else.” Bon-bon recognized that face. Her niece was, once again, about to share a world-shattering discovery. Or, at least, a headache-inducing, like the majority of them were. Slowly, she took a seat next to her, guessing it might take a while. When she got into a comfortable position and turned her attention to the unicorn, Lyra followed up with a question: “Have you actually ever seen somepony leave Ponyville?” As the cream-colored mare opened her mouth for an answer, she realized that she, in fact, did not. “Well, I don't really know anypony who did, but I'm sure…” “Exactly!” Lyra pointed dramatically, before remembering she was outside and once again continued in a hushed voice. “They all check in, but they never check out. Not even the newly princessed Twilight Sparkle. And now it's even clearer that won't happen anytime soon,” she scowled in the general direction of the crystal tree of mythical proportions. “So, what's your point? It's a nice town.” “With disasters happening every week! Right next to the giant area full of dangerous and unpredictable creatures and plants! You'd expect ponies leaving more often.” “Perhaps they scout ahead before actually making a move, so they knew what they're going into? Most ponies do. Even you did, kind of,” Bon-bon pointed out. “And then, exhibit A,” the unicorn focused her eyes on a trio of ponies passing by in the distance. Her aunt followed her look. “Do you mean Daisy, Lily and Rose?” “The preposterously panicky pony pack, yes. And there's more. Why is this the only town where ponies wear no clothing? Why does even Rarity strut around in the fur? I'm sure that her advertising would work better in casual settings, not when ponies focus more on a major event. And the attitude! Canterlot is definitely not this happy!” Lyra gesticulated wildly. “Mystery of the small town charm, I guess.” The Earth pony decided to get off the bench and try to calm the excited unicorn somehow. “Will you help me take these home?” She pointed to the flowers. But Lyra was on a roll, with an explanation of her own ready. “Oh, no, it's not a mystery. I figured it out. Ponyville has been, for a very long time, a secret insane asylum! An asylum so secret and subtle no pony whatsoever, except the keyed-in government officials, know about it! And it's borders are enchanted with mind magic, so if anypony wants to leave, they subtly prevent it.” The earth pony had to take a while to process that. And then another to make up an appropriate response. “What.” “Isn't it obvious? That dog-pony would have better care in the Manehattan facility. Yet, she stays here. Next, Twilight's incident with that doll. And she remains here as if nothing happened. Last, but not least, Pinkie Pie. Enough said.” With that, the mint colored mare folded her forelegs with a satisfied nod. “And that is why I'm staying. A revelation like this is very important, and requires more research. Was it like this from the beginning? What are the limits? Who are the ones in charge? After I know that, then I can plan my leave, without setting off any alarms. But now, I just need to look like I fit in.” The other mare frowned. “Oh, if it is the way you say, I'd say you're doing a wonderful job with that,” she deadpanned. “Thanks!” Lyra beamed at the 'compliment'.