Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Rainbow Rocks
Dear Princess Celestia,
Hey, one of these books that survived the destruction of Golden Oaks was glowing and vibrating. I think your preferred former student is trying to text you. Should we go see what she wants?
Cordially,
Princess Twilight
Dear Princess Twilight,
Why are you writing me? I really don't care what you do anymore. That's why I made you a Princess and gave you a "kingdom".
Besides, even if I gave a fuck what Sunset was up to over there, the portal won't open for another year. Unless you want Luna to speed up the moon, which could fuck up like, everything here.
Reluctantly,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Actually, this book of yours contains some kind of magic. I'm pretty sure I could hardwire it to the mirror and open the portal whenever we wanted.
Twilight,
Do whatever the fuck you want. It's bad enough that I have to care about that stupid portal every two years, so why would I want to care about it sooner than that? Whatever you're thinking about doing, leave me out of it, and for My sake, hide any bodies.
-Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Twilight,
So, things have been weird since that whole she-demon thing. The student body resents me for what I did back during the fall formal. My few friends keep reminding me of what I did during the fall formal. So, my day-to-day pretty much consists of, "Sunset, remember when you used to be a bitch?"
So we got three new girls at school, and I was assigned to show them around. They got a little defensive when I asked about their pearl necklaces. They acted a lot like me when I first... Oh shit.
So that's when I dug out my texting book to get some help. Before we know it, you come tumbling out of the portal.
Sirens? Are you sure they're not something else? Like evil seaponies? Then they hypnotized everyone with their singing. Yep, sirens. Evil seapony sirens.
I'm really surprised that screaming "Friendship is magic!" didn't activate your rainbow rape lasers. Did you check the batteries?
So instead of making you take the most intellectual bed in history, Pinkie called for a sleepover. I'm amazed how fast you convinced everyone that a naked pillow fight would be fun. I do think it was rather rude of Rainbow to just sleep in Pinkie's bed like that. Last I checked, you don't take the host's bed.
So I come down to raid the fridge, because I've been trying very hard to study friendship and that's what friends do; eat all your food and then go to the spare bedroom with the whip cream.
It turns out Equestria's newest princess can't write counter-spells. Huh. Who else did Celestia pass up before she chose you as her prized pupil? Your singing is pretty terrible too. Tell you what, I think I just need to start singing in your place, how about that?
Another thing - the band is called The Rainbooms. How do they know what a rainboom even is in this world?
So the battle of the bands began, and we had to hide our magic until the finals. I still don't know why we didn't try the magic from this world. Want to know what kind of magic we have here? One is called a Colt Single Action revolver, and it comes with six spells. You just point it at the problem you need to solve and pull the trigger. Simple as that.
Did Trixie even plan on getting to the finals? Because, she kinda performed the same song as she did in round 1. Don't you need different songs?
In order to win this battle, clearly we were going to need the greatest and best song in the world. We would have been pretty much out of luck, but luckily right at that moment, Vinyl rolls up with Optimus Bass. That still wasn't enough, because they revealed their siren forms and were all like "shoo shoo be doo motherfuckers". So I took off my jacket. The cold never bothered me anyway. Now it was time for this Sunset to really shimmer!
Oh, so we're just gonna let them run off? We aren't gonna violate them with offer them the magic of friendship? Did I get off lucky or something? I love how their on-key singing was also attached to their evil magic.
I'm glad I got in the band, and could play in Fluttershy's song. To be honest, it was better than most of Rainbow's "look at me I'm an attention whore" songs.
Shame you couldn't stay longer. I was hoping we could make out. But you probably do that with the pony versions of your friends already. Let me tell you, it's much better as a human.
Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,
No more sleepovers until you learn to respect my personal property.
That means not whacking the game console when you're losing, Rainbow.
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Sorry about that. I have to convince Applejack to not be a fucking camping bitch.
-Rainbow
Dear Rainbow Dash,
It's a legitimate strategy.
Get good.
-AJ
Dear Trixie,
Not a bad song. If not for the fate of the world, you totally should have won.
Just a word of advice, if you're going to sing a song called "Tricks Up My Sleeve", maybe you should have gone with something other than a sleeveless dress.
- The Rainbooms
Dear Blueberry Pie,
Needs more cowbell.
- Derpy
Dear Flash,
Don't feel so bad. Doesn't matter how much you practice, you're not gonna be the next Dave Mustang. Sorry, someone had to say it.
-Twilight
Dear Twilight,
Yeah, sorry about getting angry with you and everything. It was the sirens.
Their singing caused quite the shipwreck.
-Flash
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