"It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it." Someone incredibly wise and badass once said that. I think it was me, trying to impress some dame. I hate myself for it, because it's exactly not what I'm thinking when I'm actually doing the job, and, say, facing down an overpowered character in a back alley that's practically labelled "A Good Place to Kill People".
"prepair to meat your doom!!" Shouted the red maned black coated alicorn king of the multiverse, bits of his proud and beutifull spit glistening as they escape his muzzle and made a mess of my jacket.
I winced, half from the way the wall rubbed the bruise on my back, and half from the sloppy and unappealing aura that stopped just inches from my face. "'Prepair'? 'Meat'? I can appreciate some good pun-based villain dialogue, but 'food' is a bit broad, don't you think? Now, fruit or meat, I can get behind, but --"
"Silince!" a black hoof with a fancy shoe like princes celestias except a hardcore metal color and with pentagrams carved into it _SMASHED_ the wall jsut above da puny hoomans head.
I glanced up at the foreleg. Had it hit the wall a few millimetres lower, I would've been prematurely balding. Gulping, I shrunk down a bit and tensed up. The alicorn was focused on the stupid thing on the end of its hoof -- now was my chance. Eyes on the prize, I sprung forward.
My right hand sailed into the aura and,, gripped the metul necklace around King Razorblood teh Savyer ov EQUESTRIA and I puled at teh 7th element of harmuny until i herd it's chain snap, sending me rolling backwards. My head hit the wall; that was gonna leave bruise.
But I couldn't feel the aura anymore.
"NO!" shouted the alicorn, his horn and wings melting from his frame. "I was so close! You were -- you were --"
As his horn and wings melted, so did his bright red mane and pitch black coat. It was pretty disgusting, but soon even the melted remnants of his form evaporated, leaving behind a diminutive, balding earth stallion with blank flank.
"My flank!" he cried. "It's... my super special..."
I got up with a groan, rubbing my head. "You never learn, do you? First time your hair didn't come back, second time it gave you that squint, and now your cutie mark's gone, along with your talent, I wouldn't be surprised."
The stallion looked up at me with pathetic, pleading eyes, as if I somehow had the power to fix his mistakes. Or, more accurately, he looked at the amulet in my right hand with pathetic pleading eyes, still not having learnt his lesson that it definitely couldn't fix his mistakes.
"Nope, not happening," I told him. "The Element of" -- I glanced at the text imprinted along the edges of the amulet -- "'Auesomenes' is not to be trifled with."
The pleading gaze continued. It was starting to annoy me -- well, really annoy me.
"Get!" I yelled at the stallion, making a kicking motion in his direction. "Go find something else to do before this thing makes you even uglier."
The stallion whimpered and trotted away with his tail between his legs. I watched him till he was out of sight, and then put the amulet away in my trenchcoat pocket. A damn shame, it was: for the first few weeks, he almost made a decent partner.
EDITOR FOR HIRE
Episode One:
"Looking For Fics (In All the Wrong Places)"
by Ezn
My office was a mess. The pen I'd left in the exact centre of my desk, sitting exactly parallel to its edge, had somehow tilted a whole fifteen degrees to the right. Oh, and there were crumpled pages and about a gallon of red ink mixed with half a gallon of blood on the floor, but I was really more worried about the pen.
I collapsed into my large, cushy office chair and quickly righted it, before fishing the Element of Auesomeness out of my pocket and tossing it in my "Seventh Elements of Harmony" drawer. It was getting full in there, but I managed to close the drawer with a bit of elbow grease.
Just then, the phone started ringing. I let it ring three times, already feeling a headache coming on, and then snatched it up.
"Eddy Kilgore, editor for hire," I said. "How may I help?"
I always regret asking people to dump their problems on me, but I always do it anyway. It's a tough job, you know.