//------------------------------// // Side Battle: Six Paths to Death (part 3) // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Please make sure that "Formatting" is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. A/N: The Mean Six don't really have an old teacher that looks like they should know martial arts. I had to work with what I had. This chapter may contain spoilers. Reader discretion is advised. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Sega, and GanonFLCL. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 3 E Side 6 Now we begin the test of wisdom in battle. One down and four to go. Who am I talking about? I don't know! That's right, F. It's anyone's game as the score of Mean versus Deadly is now one apiece. Today, we switch gears from the dumb and goofy to the oldest and wisest members of both teams. The Deadly Six sends in Master Zik. And the Mean Six calls forth Curaçao. He's W and he's B. He's F and she's N. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills... ... to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Master Zik -Founder of the Deadly Six and former teacher to Zavok -Age: 1,036 -Height: 2'; Weight: 17.6 lb -Likes: tending his garden -Genius intellect in fighting; high acrobatic skills and reflexes; great accuracy; telekinesis; flight; energy projectiles -Could take down Zazz and Zomom by himself -Weakness: the Cacophonic Conch "I shall prepare for you a lesson in respect... a painful lesson." Several years before the events of Sonic Lost World, Zik the Zeti took Zavok as an apprentice as well as forming the Deadly Six properly. I'm not sure how well the lessons went between the Splinter rip-off and the Bowser rip-off. Their fighting styles really don't look like each other. Since Zavok apparently finished his training, Zik went into a sort of semi-retirement. It allowed him to focus on his favorite pastime: gardening. Then Eggman showed up like a b****, overclocked the old geezer's hearing aid with a purple conch shell, and forced the Deadly Six to work for the Robot Master. I dread the day when I retire and the kids down the street still blast their music through their microscopic iPhones. Hearing jokes aside, Zik earns his title Master through his fighting genius intellect. His greatest power is that of telekinesis and utilizing multiple giant fruits as shields, boulders, and even bombs to a certain extent. When he isn't close enough to the produce aisle, he can still ride his cane to fly as fast and as far as the rest of the Deadly Six dare to soar. He can even bend the will of Eggman's own Badniks against the power-hungry sucker. While Zik's physical stamina is limited, he has fairly high reflexes and acrobatic maneuverability. He even bested Zazz and Zomom to prove his worth that he could face Sonic alone. Then he got easily run over by homing attacks and a Drill Wisp. It was a sad day for old, wise martial artists everywhere. But hey, no hedgehogs are getting involved in today's fight. So who knows? Maybe this old-timer has a chance. "It will be good to stretch these old bones." ---Death Battle--- Curaçao -Clone of Applejack; Element of Deceit -Oldest of the Mean Six because Applejack's name was first alphabetically -Power: Deceptive illusions that let her blend in with the environment, turn invisible, or disguise herself as another pony -Master liar; onlookers can never tell if she's lying or not; she can tell if others are lying, even the goddess of deception Nihila -Strategist of the group; well-versed in spells and combat -The French stereotype, complete with accent and sisterly love, particularly toward Insipid -Embracing good causes unbearable pain for her and her sisters "I 'ave no idea vhat zat even is, ma capitaine. Je suis désolé." Lord Silvertongue created six clones of the Bearers of Harmony. Due to alphabetical orders of the originals, the clone of Applejack is technically the oldest of the aptly titled Mean Six. Curaçao represents the Element of Deceit and is an embodiment of the phrase "living a lie". This mare is so wicked that she speaks with a French accent and is such a big liar that she can detect when other people and ponies are lying through their teeth. Forget heart rate lie detectors! Just install Curaçao and be done with it. Well, that might not be such a good idea considering she can hide her lies as half-truths. Besides, it's not actually French. It's a language of magic called Romantique. Romantic, French, Fancy... You say tomato. I say fruity weapon of mass property damage. Uh-huh. Anyway, her powers of deception go beyond her word of mouth. She can alter the colors of her hide and mane to blend in with her surroundings, creating the illusion of invisibility. Also, despite being an earth pony, she is well-versed in magic and spells. I think you're missing something, N. What's that, F? Curie's hide changing powers can go so far as to imitate the physical appearance of other ponies. It's like she was a shapeshifter first and then the changelings stole the concept after. Now who is forgetting something? Curaçao is no mere changeling. Instead of just mimicking appearance and parroting words in the voice of the original, she can actually replicate their personality to the point of near flawlessness. Once, she disguised herself as Applejack and got captured by her sisters. Her stubbornness was almost exactly the same as AJ's that even the fan readers had trouble keeping track of her true self. But even if disguises aren't enough, she's no slouch in a fight. Hell, even Pinkie Pie had trouble keeping up with her and Pinkie's supposed to be on par with Deadpool when it comes to impossible reflexes. However, Curaçao is not as punch happy as some of her other sisters. Behind her mask of confidence, she cares deeply for the rest of the Mean Six and will do anything to keep them out of danger. This includes trying to lead them away from their path of evil at the potential risk of killing them all through goodness. Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense! Yeah, written plot conveniences kind of made her wish to lead her family out of the dark side a near impossibility. The wrongness was so painful that it almost led Grayscale Force to commit a mass murder and suicide all at once through an intense enough gravitational field. Wow... that's... pretty *eff*ed up. She does not concern herself about being an empty clone. Instead, she feels the pain that Insipid holds about being meaningless. Well, let's make her fight a grandpa. "Non, ma chérie, non. Zey are right. Of course zey are right. I 'ave always seen what... what must be done. But it was always my choice. Always. So 'ow can it be alright?" ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a- Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- The screen locks onto a blue earth pony's position. She trots along casually while humming a few bars from "Mademoiselle de Paris". Her humming and trotting stop suddenly with an exclamation point popping over her head. A yellow guy wearing a brown jacket goes running in the opposite direction yelling about a whip or something. But the pony hardly notices him and gallops the rest of the path toward what has caught her attention. They are the splattered remains of some black and yellow unicorn. All the limbs are bending the wrong way and her breathing can barely be heard. She opens her eyes slightly as the newcomer gently holds up the head. "Curie?" whispers the pony with one hoof in the grave. "Insipid!" exclaims Curie. "Non, non, non. Sacre bleu! What has 'appened? Who did zis to you?" Insipid coughs. "It was... a big... horny... yellow... lard..." Her eyelids slowly lower themselves. "Little sister!" exclaims Curie. But Insipid is already falling back into slumber. The other pony holds her head against the other. Tears drip out of Curie's eyes. It takes a loud bang to catch her attention and make her look up. There appears to be a large tub of lard with horns on his head flying away at a casual pace. Curaçao's tear ducts clear up and her expression of sadness squirms away to one of determination. She gently lowers Insipid back to the ground. "Wait for me, ma chérie," she whispers before looking back up. A thin, magenta ring goes up and around the earth pony's body. Within a second, her appearance is replaced with the winner of the first part of this six-part battle. 'Grayscale Force' unfurls her wings and takes to the sky. All the while, she thinks that the big yellow one will pay for his crime. The screen cuts to black. --- The big Zeti lands with a plop on a towering base. He proceeds to walk in while his belly jiggles the whole way. A door slides open for his entrance. "Have you seen Zor anywhere?" asks the red one. "He was supposed to return from his scouting about an hour ago." "Uh... no," Zomom responds while scratching his head with a finger. "But more importantly, have you guys seen the mustard?" Zomom's search for condiments is interrupted by a loud blaring alarm that fills the base. All of the Zeti present gather round the screen. "There's a heat signature approaching fast!" observes the leader, Zavok. "Must be that hedgehog again," chuckles the pink and thin Zazz. "I'll take care of him!" "No, I want a turn at making hedgehog souffle," argues Zomom. Both of the impatient Zeti receive a walloping from a wooden cane. Stars circle their heads as they collapse to the floor. "Boss, if you'd allow me..." starts the old and floating one. "Of course, Master Zik," says Zavok with a nod. "I'll leave it to your discretion." Master Zik bows politely before floating out the door in a twinkle. --- The 'pegasus' lands on a large, grassy plateau. She narrows her eyes and slowly looks all around. "Where'd you go?" she asks. "My, my," echoes the voice of Master Zik. He floats in atop his cane with an amused smile. "What beauty have we here? It's not often that we receive winged-horse visitors." "Can it, gramps!" spits 'Grayscale', "I don't have time to change elderly diapers and listen to war stories." "So the whipper-snapper has a sharp tongue to boot," comments Zik. "Tell me, youngster. What exactly eats away at your hours?" The pony rolls her eyes. "If you must know, I'm looking for the big, yellow, and horny lard that flew by here. So unless you're here to aid in my search, I'm not interested." "Oh, wow." Zik rolls his eyes. "I haven't heard that description of Zomom before." 'Grayscale' tenses up. "You know about him? Tell me where he is!" Zik sighs. "The trouble with kids today is that they are always so impatient. Before you go anywhere, I should teach you a lesson in manners... starting right now." "FIGHT!" Zik holds his out his cane. Three orbs of what appears to be blue electricity shoot out and slowly approach the plateau. 'Grayscale' holds back a spit as she surrounds herself with a magenta ring. The pony vanishes from sight and the projectiles pass through her original position like there's nothing there. "Hmm, so you do have some talent," chuckles Zik. "This should be interesting." A slapping noise is heard as Zik recoils. There's nothing visible there, but Zik takes more and more punches from something attacking this way and that. He closes his eyes in concentration. His cane whizzes all around him and collides with something that lets out a yelp. A magenta ring flashes and reveals Curaçao in her default form, wincing at the hit. The Zeti concentrates again, pulling in large fruit from seemingly nowhere. The fruit circles around him in spherical paths. Curaçao stands there, constantly watching and wondering what the old man is going to do. She doesn't have to wait long as a giant watermelon manifests in front of Zik and starts barreling toward her. Another magenta ring falls around, turning the earth pony into a dark purple unicorn that looks barely older than a young filly. A semi-circle barrier flashes around 'Starlight Shadow' right as the melon crashes into it. The fruit bounces off the shield and surprisingly rolls back at the Zeti. Upon impact, the watermelon spontaneously combusts and destroys two-thirds of Zik's own fruit shield. It leaves a rather strange curve that occasionally passes around in front of him. 'Starlight' morphs her appearance. The older 'Grayscale' flies in at top speed just as the remains of the fruit shield pass. Once she gets inside the safe zone of the fruit, Curaçao smacks the little old man upside the face. She then proceeds to go through a rapid flashing of morphs. 'Insipid' takes a bite out of one of the passing fruits. Zik tries throwing another round of energy projectiles, but 'Starlight' deflects all of them with a barrier. A faded-pink 'Red Velvet' gets knocked in the head by the cane a couple of times. But that's quickly turned around by a furiously red 'Havocwing' and her dropkick. 'Grayscale' flies up briefly to charge down for an instant crash by Curaçao's buck to the head. Zik is a bit wobbly while he struggles to float. His struggle is in vain as the pony lays one more hoof smack against the top his head. Curaçao quickly turns around and bucks him all the way into the nearest fruit tree. Five oranges fall on top of the old man. There is a short pause before two more knock him out entirely. Curaçao takes a deep breath. "Repose en paix." "Blue liquored!" ---Death Battle--- D**n. She's almost as scary as my ex-wife. Oh, you say that too. Zik is the oldest member of the Deadly Six and more likely than not, the best strategist. His telekinesis and combination of fruit and electricity would cause problems for anyone who tries to fight him. What he couldn't count on was Curaçao and her mind full of arsenal strategies for each of the Mean Six. She understands her sisters' powers well enough to mimic most of their actions, even if she can't use their powers to their fullest potential. Then again, he lost to Sonic's homing attack even though it wasn't travelling at Sonic's full speed. This fight was actually pretty close. But in the end, Zik couldn't stand up to the power-packed taste... ... of an orange booze. The winner is Curaçao. ---Death Battle--- Next time on Death Battle... I'll burn your face! Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of my beautiful nails. ---