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// Entry 207 - Heart 
// Story: Diary of a Ruler 
// by Lamia 
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	I am... at a loss for words at this day. My heart is heavy, my soul feeling as though it were torn through by a hot sword, my emotions falling into the darkest, deepest pit in the world. As horrid as I feel at this very moment, I believe it is necessary to impart my experience into this diary, as it provides my mind some solace...

I had finally proceeded with my plan, my arranged picnic in the forest with Twilight Sparkle this afternoon. I flew to Ponyville myself to meet with her, scorning my duties as princess to pursue happiness once more. I strolled casually through the streets, my royal adornments left at home. As expected, I drew much attention, but thankfully none seemed to greet me. All the better that way, as I needed to concentrate on what I was doing at the time.

I reached the library soon after, knocking on Twilight's front door and looked down at her surprised face when she answered. I entered and asked her how her day was. Her morning was uneventful, her group of friends having errands and work to do. Telling her I wanted to spend time with her today, she appeared quite relieved, as this was one of her scheduled 'relaxation' days on her agenda. It was a day, however, which she did not realize her friends were so busy. I smiled and felt glad, as it seemed to have been the perfect opportunity to come out with my feelings.

I flew her to the forest myself, taking her onto my back and soaring through the clear, midday sky. It had been a while since the last time I did so, and she was a bit unnerved as usual from the trip. We took a hike through the outer edge, observing closely the nature around us once more.

The two of us caught up on each other's lives. She told me about her life lessons in detail, recent magical research, and books she had read. I had let her go on by herself in conversation, not having much I believe I could add. I enjoy listening to her. While Twilight seemed relaxed and open about herself, I sensed that there was an inner conflict that she was not sharing with me. I did not ask out of courtesy, however... Although, I regret that I did not do so at the time.

Guiding her through a patch of bushes, we came to the most beautiful clearing I could find. Sunlight shone in countless beams through the broad treetops above us. They illuminated an array of seemingly glowing flowers of cool blues and purples, swaying gently in the breeze. The subtle, slow motion of the forest around us filled me with an ease. I marvelled at my choice of location again. This was perfect.

In the center of the clearing was a classical plaid picnic sheet. On it was a standard basket filled with fruits and vegetables from my own personal garden. I spoke up, telling Twilight that a picnic in the forest would be the perfect activity to relax with. As I turned my head to look at her reaction, she turned away from me and walked ahead, complimenting me highly on my generosity. I had just seen the slightest hint of embarrassment in her cheeks. It was a good sign. I followed her and sat on the picnic sheet as my student fidgeted a bit in front of me, looking uncomfortable. Once more I regret not asking what was bothering her.

I laid the basket's contents over our little area with my magic, carefully organizing it all in a way that Twilight would not be compelled to adjust anything. She smiled at the spread, there being expensive, high-quality flowers and large, juicy fruits all around. Her face was speechless but grateful as she looked up at me happily, and I told her to go ahead and dig in. I did the same.

We chatted for a while longer as we dived into the food, Twilight asking me a bit more about myself. I am still not very able to talk about myself; I find other ponies far more interesting than the monotony of my life, but it did not seem to stop her from being curious.

The early fall sunset came upon us, painting the sky with a warm hue once more. She quipped that it was getting late and asked me hesitantly how long I wanted her to stay with me. I responded suddenly without thinking: 'Forever.' Her eyes widened for a moment, and predictably she asked about what I just said in confusion. I only hung my head in embarrassment, looking down at the picnic sheet.

'I love you, Twilight Sparkle.'

That is what I said. I felt my pulse quicken, my breathing almost stopping as I was overcome by anticipation and anxiety. After what seemed like an eternity, I looked up and saw Twilight's face, seemingly frozen in shock, entirely red from embarrassment. I breathed out again and explained my love for her... A caring heart she had, and so headstrong, a loyal and determined pony. Her presence gave me a constant sense of calm and satisfaction. Thus, I believe I realized that I was attracted to her.

Twilight's awestruck expression did not move for quite some time, but I waited patiently for her response with bated breath, trying to keep myself composed as I stared into her eyes. I nearly gasped as she spoke again, hoping with all my heart for the response of requited love as well. She told me that she was very surprised. She did not expect somepony of my standing to fall for such a lowly pony such as her.

...However, it did not matter. With her head hanging low and eyes out of contact, she looked down and apologized, explaining to me what I had most feared: There was a special somepony else in her life. She quickly brushed off my confession and said her goodbye with a shaky kneel. Before I could reply, she began charging magical energy, teleporting herself out of sight with a flash. I was alone.

The delicate wind and rustling leaves in the empty forest became a roar in my ears as I sat in place for hours. I contemplated over what just happened, trying to figure out the lapse in my judgement. Did I wait too long? Had I offended her with my sudden disclosure? Am I not better than her lover? The last question especially eats at my mind. I am more skilled, more beauteous, more loved than anypony out there, as I have seen all over... I suppose that a minor love multiplied by such a large number could not possibly equate to that which can only be seen by those unique pairs. Is it a great arrogance that I want her for myself, that I believe I am the best pony over any other? Why should I deserve such a wonderful pony? I feel I am experiencing the greatest dilemma in life... and it bothers me.

It occurred to me that this had not happened before. In the past, whether in my own or my lover's declaration, neither of us had denied the other. Yet, Twilight seemed to do so. I feel... foolish. There was something I was missing. There had to be. I must work to receive her mutual affections, to be better than her lover, so that she could reciprocate my feelings.

My tears are falling onto the pages. Am I losing myself? I cannot let my emotions fall further; should I desire her, I must be true to myself. I must have faith to make her mine, and I hers, and only so. Either way, I require a respite. I can only hope that we could still continue as we were, despite its apparent impossibility after my mistakes.