Sympathy for Discord

by Pony Bones

Discord and Tom Trotter

GoooooooooOOOOOOOOOD MORNING EQUESTRIA! I’m surprised I still have readers after all this time. Either I’m funnier than I thought I was or Pony Bones is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, who knew he’d stoop so low?

Because we’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of; you wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. I bet you never thought you would get Rick rolled on a fan fiction website, you can’t escape the Rick roll it will always find you!

Oh, Pony Bones is telling me to watch my mouth again, better pull out my eyes and do it, POP! It’s not like I need to watch my mouth when so many other ponies are watching it for me. Why can’t I use their eyes since I’ve already caught them? Comedy is such a serious business now days.

But we got pony’s heads spinning like records right round, baby right round, and your song is stuck on replay until it skips, until it skips, until it skips, until it, until it skips off the player! Everypony said last chapter was too mellow and logical for the King of Discord. Fear not, I the benevolent Discord have heard thine belly aches and I promise I’m going out with a bang on this last chapter.

You won’t believe it, I had this great idea for a flight exhibition team you know since I’m royalty and I’m not frozen to a concrete commode anymore, but Celestia said, “No, no, just no, never, not ever, no way!” I mean Celestia has the Wonderbolts, Luna has the Shadowbolts so what’s wrong with me wanting to establish the Blunderbolts? I think they would be sensational like, like a flying circus! Wait that’s been done before Captain Marefred von Richthofen if I’m not mistaken, but you get what I’m saying, it’s going to happen one day.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Is this draqonious stupid?” Sure, I’m stupid but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant! There’s a big difference between education and life experience. Because while I may not be able to tell you much about the abstract nuances from the prestigious halls of education, I can tell you about what I’ve seen of Equestria and that’s enough to rock the socks off Princess Celestia.

For some reason those socks are now worn by a baseball team from a strange land called Chicago. Home of the notorious gangster Al Capony mastermind behind the Hearts and Hooves day massacre.

Wait, who’s telling this story again? I think Pony Bones just went out back and sold his brain to Wetzel’s Pretzles. Oh well it’s not like he needed one anyways.

So back in the day in the woods just outside of Baltimare there lived a miserly stallion that lived nearby named Tom Trotter. There was only one pony in Baltimare who was stingier, and that was his wife. They squabbled over the spending of a bit and each swiped the food of the other.

It was like the Jerry Springmare of colonial Equestria it was great. Although I don’t see what the big deal was, they should have just taken some coupons to Saddle N’ Save that’s what I did to pay off Screwball’s college loans. I’m so proud of her she’s got a PHD in comedy. Her valedictorian speech had everypony rolling in the aisles.

One day Tom was trotting out in the woods to clear his head from his wife’s constant nagging and to possibly scrounge up a dinner that he would most certainly be denied if he returned home. When he stumbled over a treasure chest buried under a pile of leaves.

“What are you doing in my grounds?” I asked, resting on a stump for I thoroughly enjoy resting on stumps and stone pedestals.

By the look of surprise on Tom’s face you would have thought that a draqonious had popped out of thin air in front of him. That happened to me once, almost scared the taste out of my mouth until I realized it was a reflection.

Once he had finished with his screaming and sputtering he asked, "Who are you?”

"I go by different names in different places," I replied. "In some countries I am the mad miner; in some the hooligan huntsman; here I am the wily woodman. I am the patron of Zebra wranglers and master of Salem phookas."

"I think you are Discord!" blurted Tom.

Pulling a flashing neon sign out of my mouth I hung it next to my head and replied with a theatrical bow. "Since you want to put words in my mouth. Yes I am the one and only King Discord at your service."

“There is a reward for your capture, I could turn you in.”

I couldn’t say I was surprised but being judged by my reputation alone still gets on my nerves.

“You could but then who would I share this accursed treasure with?”

I could see the hamster wheel spinning in Tom’s head, was a treasure worth a curse? Much to my amusement since Tom had lived with Mrs. Trotter for such a long time he had no fear of any curse, and he sat down to inquire about the chest he had stumbled over.

I casually told him this was the treasure of the notorious Pirate Captain Filly the Kidd and anypony could find and keep it at the small price of abandoning their friends. To my surprise greedy old Tom declined my offer. Who knew Tom had friends to abandon? He told his wife about it, and she was furious with him for not having sealed the deal immediately, declaring that if he didn’t have the guts to get the treasure she would do it.

“It’s like I have to do everything myself around here! You don’t even remember our anniversary if I don’t remind you!” She wailed louder than an air raid siren.

“It’s not that I forget it’s that I don’t want to remember.” Tom muttered bitterly.

“Well shows how grateful you are for all I do. I know plenty of stallions who would swim through a sea of nails to be married to a mare like me.”

What are you looking at me like that for? That’s what she said I can’t make this up.

Tom decided not to stop his wife. If she got the treasure he would try to get his share of it, and if Discord took her away… Well, there were worse things that could happen.

When they say Tartarus hath no fury like a mare slighted, you best believe that’s Faust’s truth. Mrs. Trotter came stalking through the woods just before sundown, with her spoons in her apron. King of Discord as I am Mrs. Trotter opened a can on my royal flank. Would you believe I had a full beard down to my knees before that fight? I had been working on it for seven hours and she ripped it out!

It was all fun and games up to that point. I threw her so far she woke up in another story where she died of a heart attack when her husband got lost in the woods, went bowling with the green ponies of the mountains, and fell asleep for fifty years. Good riddance to her I say.

When Tom discovered that the spoons were gone he came after Mrs. Trotter, to get the spoons back. He never found his wife. Her apron was flung over a telephone pole that hadn’t been invented yet, the area around there had been trampled and strewn with hooffulls of my glorious beard.

"Gadzooks!" Tom muttered, "Old Discord must have had a tough time with her." Half in gratitude and half in curiosity, Tom waited to speak to me, and was next day rewarded by seeing me come through the wood whistling carelessly. Wasting no time at all Tom confronted me about the treasure not his wife, for he wanted the treasure to himself.

After some haggling I suggested that Tom should start a loan office in Fillydelphia and use Captain Kidd's money in extorting his clients. Then when his business had run its course he would spend the rest of his natural life cleaning out my refrigerator. Tom accepted, and promised to swindle fourteen percent interest a month out of the broke schmucks who might ask for his help. When he came into town with a bulging duffel bag ponies thought his wife had finally threw him out of his house. Little did they know it was really the treasure of Captain Kidd earned by long years of respectable piracy. Well respectable as compared to what Tom did.

As time went on Tom found himself with the majority of Fillydelphia in his debt whether from a failed business loan, student loan, overdue rent or mortgage. Tom was a regular skinflint and only splurged on food for his wife had deprived him. Tom could see that his time as a money lender was short and he did not want to spend the rest of his life cleaning my refrigerator so he began wearing garlic necklaces.

For some reason ponies think I despise garlic, they must have me confused with Vamponies. And really did he think that a garlic necklace would keep someone as eccentric as me away? Whatever the case one afternoon Tom was happily taking an unfortunate client’s rent.

"You have made so much money out of me," wailed the victim of Tom's philanthropies.

"May Discord take me if I have made a single bit!" exclaimed Tom.

I had never heard such a hilarious proposition and from such a deplorable pony I had to take him up on his offer. So with Tom’s invitation I decided to collect my dues. With three knocks at the door, and Tom stepped out to see who was there. The money lender found himself in presence of his fate. I snatched him up like a colt and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and rode off into the swamp on a Harley Neighvidson singing For Whom the Sweetie Bells Toll. As I reached the trees a lightning flash descended into the swamp and exploded into zucchini jello. At the same moment Tom's house was discovered turned inside out. When his possessions were looted nothing was found in his treasure chests except chocolate coins.

Oh Celestia I’m going to get sued for copyright infringement if not for first degree murder because I’m killing these jokes. I haven’t had this much fun since I told Princess Luna the moon was made out of cheese and made everypony think Celestia banished her when she left to find out if it was true.

So this is it the last chapter, the grand finale, the end, la fin, owarida, end of the line, last bus leaving so adieu parting is such sweet sorrow. I’ve had a great time telling my little story and since I’m a draqonious of my word, Screwball would you mind lighting this fuse? Not my tail the fuse! Oops.