My lady once wrote in her very personal and very secret diary that I have problems appreciating personal space. I beg to differ on that sentiment. I very much appreciate personal space, especially my own, particularly when uncomfortably sharp talons are encroaching upon certain luxuries I enjoy; having a head, for instance.
I was on the wrong side of a griffin, a minor setback I quickly sought to rectify. "Behind you," I said, making use of the oldest trick in the book.
"Oldest trick in the book. You take me for a dweeb, Steelborn?!" The griffin barked in my face, talons remaining a stubborn distraction to my life.
"I only take ladies. And only the dry ones," I replied, flicking out a handkerchief and dabbing the spit off my face. "They, however, might be less discriminating," I stated with a nod at the shadow looming behind her. Let it not be said that I am not fair in giving chances. I allowed her a chance to receive the insult to the face rather than to her behind.
"Why...?!" Sunrise demanded in a high-pitched squeak. "...Can't we all be friends?!" She cried out against all the disharmony in the world.
"Decaf at thee!" Dark Side's own battlecry was a tad less moral, but just as fearsome. A pair of little pegasus fillies flew a decaffeinated bombing run upon the griffin. The griffin turned to face them, moving to raise her free claw against them. Her free claw, however, turned out to be not so free, my handkerchief knotting it neatly to the armrest of the nearest seat. The hapless bombee could only look around to receive a faceful of decaf. She reeled back with a pained screech as she fought to shake the taste of Saddle Arabian roast out of her eyes. I just about spied out Ditzy's daughter giving the two pegasus fillies a smug smile, seemingly proud of the plan she brewed as she hoof-bumped the two pegasus fillies.
"Lock-on," a chilly voice intoned. Before she could recover, the griffin's face quickly became intimately acquainted with four flying hooves, courtesy of a cerulean-green pegasus mare sporting a windswept lightning-yellow mane. The griffin was sent flying into an empty seat, smashing its backrest into toothpicks before slamming resoundingly against the wall. "Shutdown," the pegasus huffed, spinning backwards out of the flying kick.
Dark Side and Sunrise quickly pulled me back up by my shoulders, wings fluttering with the effort. I straightened up in time to get a good look at the green pegasus mare as she landed awkwardly on four bandaged legs, one of which was splinted. This mare's impressive collection of bandages made Egyptian mummies look the very picture of health.
"What happened to you?" Lyra asked, eyeing the cerulean-green pegasus' veritable bandage-based fashion statement. "Got into a fight with a toilet roll?"
"I don't remember horseapples," the pegasus mare spat, scowling out of one bruised eye, her other hidden under a tightly-bound bandage covering most of her head. "But the feeling of my hoof on ugly here feels familiar." She pointed a hoof at the griffin. "I think I'm gonna beat her some more until I remember." Her wings flared aggressively.
"I didn't think you'd be up to a round two, seeing as I broke all the hooves you can count with, dweeb." The griffin growled, picking herself up and flaring her own wings. "And who you callin' 'ugly'?!" She demanded.
"Can we put aside the question of your ugliness for a moment, dear?!" An alabaster earth pony wearing a telltale nursing cap rushed out to place herself in between the two. "You, you just lost your memories and all your front teeth to a fist," she barked, pointing a hoof at the pegasus. "I'm about to lose what's left of my temper." She gestured at herself. "And you...!" She rounded on the griffin, "...will lose more than just my tolerance if you as much as lift another feather against my patients!"
"You and what army, dweebster?" The griffin demanded, pulling herself back up to her full impressive height, looming at least a head above the little earth pony. "I'll show you. It's not faces that make ponies ugly, it's my fist!"
The earth pony's brilliant sapphire-blue eyes only hardened in response as she stood her ground, her candy-pink mane and tail practically bristling. Her bravado, however, only earned herself a violent shove from the griffin, sending her staggering backwards. "Where is this train headed anyway? Loserville?!" The griffin demanded as she reared up, talons bearing down on the earth pony.
In one quick stride, I had placed myself in her way. While I do not fancy making a macabre mess on the floor, I am not one to raise my hand against a... born eligible of the opposite sex.
My pants, however, were more than willing to raise something else. Without any warning, an explosive bouquet of red roses burst forth from my loins and struck the griffin in the face with all the force of the most flowery hip-thrust ever. It even blew the grandfather of all raspberries, hitting her a baboon of times in the face before exploding in a violent shockwave of roses, sending her flying back in a shower of flagrant petals.
"Fifty five hits! The fun hath been comboed!" Dark Side declared, wings fluttering with glee.
"Whoops. Wrong spell." Lyra gave a stifled laugh from somewhere behind me, her horn glowing tellingly. I was far too afraid to ask her what the right spell would have achieved.
"New skill unlocked!" Dark Side yipped again, helpfully. "Rose Prick Kick!"
"That wasn't a kick," Sunrise pointed out, though she still seemed to be in a state of bewildered shock. "What in my sister's mooning, pray tell, was that?!"
"Well then," I said, for want of something to say, "I believe that, while this is not quite appropriate for the Savoy, I do seem to have a mighty boutonniere of blossoms to... err... hand. And while I am not one to menace the less-gentlemanly, I am not above offering flowers indiscriminately." I aimed a warning hip thrust at the griffin. "Are you alright?" I turned to the earth pony as Lyra helped her up onto her hooves.
"As long as you don't try and propose to me too, darling," she chuckled, nodding at the rather fearsome floret I sported. "I like a little assertiveness in my colts, but not when it pokes me in the eye."
"Prude," Lyra smirked, taking a bite out of the bounteous bouquet. "You're missing out," she said through a mouthful of rose petals. I was not entirely sure what to think of that. But I know what to do with flowers. With all the airiness of plucking flowers from a fertile garden, I drew my posy of blooms and handed it to my lady. From her squee of surprise, I could tell she was already enjoying the extra fibre. Dark Side must have been hungry too for I spied her eyeing her sister with seemingly envious eyes. Hmmm, I should wrap up our business ere tea time for their sake.
"Oho, I'm sure," the earth pony chortled once again. "Thank you for the rescue. But do try and be more original next time, dears. I like my surprises." She gave us a little wink. "I'm Red Heart, by the way."
"And I'm pleasantly mystified," I admitted, buttoning up my inheritance discretely. "But in my spare time I'm mostly a Butler."
The downed griffin was halfway to picking herself up when Spitfire bore down upon her like the very element of rage. "Guess what? Loserville called and rejected your feathery rump! This train's taking you to Tartarus, and I'm the devil pony's sergeant! You want a hen-flockin' army, flamingo-fodder?! You want a preening and a muffin-scented orgy with the princesses too while you're at it?!" The loud, booming drill-sergeant voice of one Spitfire practically bowled over the griffin. Both Dark Side and Sunrise were much too shell-shocked to even balk at her suggestion.
"Well you don't even meet the minimum horseapples restriction to sniff my tailwind! How in Luna's dark moongasms were you even misbegotten?! I didn't know they made horseapples your shape! Did your mother mistake your sorry brown mess for an egg?!" The pegasus commander barked, flaming yellow wings flared angrily as she backed the shocked griffin against the wall. "You still want that army, hen-pecker? After I'm done with you, the only army you're getting is a taxidermy!" Spitfire roared, practically leaning over the griffin in her incandescent rage, despite being at least a head and a set of talons shorter.
"Goooood puuun!" Lyra gasped in awe. "I'm sorry, Coco. I think she may have replaced you as my new favourite companion." She whispered aside to Coco. "By the way, still got any fire extinguishers handy? Cause I smell a lot of burn." The smallish earth pony was quick to shake her head fearfully.
"Be brave, me," I thought I heard the little earth pony whisper. "Uh...umm..." Coco shifted uneasily as she took a deep breath. "M-Manehattan City Royal Guard! Y-you're also under arrest for assault, battery and disrupting harmony!" She suddenly declared at the top of her little voice, pointing a shaky hoof at the griffin. "B-by the power vested in me as volunteer lance constable to the crowns, I am h-hereby... um... taking you... into... guard custody...! If... that's alright?" Her voice trailed off into a whimper as she wilted under the griffin's glare. "I-I e-even h-have a badge to prove it." She squeaked, reaching a hoof into her saddlebags and shakily pulling out a shiny little special constable badge. She shook so much she fumbled the badge in her hooves. "Eee! Eeeee!" She squeaked, flailing to catch the badge with both forehooves, only to fall forwards onto her face. "Owww...." She gave a muffled little groan into the floor. I was quick to offer her a hand.
"You have the right to remain ugly! Your face and everything ugly about it can and will be used against you in the court of law! We accept bribes in donuts and coffee!" Dark Side shouted carefreely and in an attempt to help. "Was that right?" She asked aside to Coco as the volunteer officer slowly got onto her hooves with my help.
"You were an officer all along?" Lyra blinked in disbelief. "Uh... I'm sorry!" She suddenly blurted out. "I did it for love, honest!" The rest of us, in a surprising show of wisdom, chose to ignore that.
"You don't scare...." The griffin began as she struggled to gather herself off the floor.
"By my flamingly flagrant fetlocks, it talks!" Spitfire bore down on the griffin once more. "If I wanted the putrescent pigeon poop out of your toilet-beak, I'd squeeze your head like a whoopee cushion! Except I can't even tell which side is your front without a shovel! You think you're big for pushing over a nurse?! Well that dashing hunk who stood up for her just made you look like a breezie runt's droppings in comparison! And that's me being the flockin' element of generosity! Cause when the long hoof of the law finally puts your sorry feather duster in the slammer, you'll wish it was still me breaking your lack-of-balls!"
"After all you backstabbing ponies have done to me..." The griffin growled, "...you're not putting me in jail for wanting out of this death trap! I have nothing to do with you ponies! I want nothing to do with you ponies!" She declared angrily.
"Yeah, you're not going to jail. Cause you're going six feet under my hooves!" The teal green mummy-pegasus behind us growled, pushing her way past us.
Nurse Red Heart didn't seem to agree as she pulled the pegasus back with a forehoof. "You just lost all your memories from that concussion. And you want to fight her again?" She barked.
"I don't remember that!" The pegasus shot back.
"My point exactly!" Red Heart snapped. "How much more brain do you want to lose before you're satisfied?!"
"Hating. Her. Is. All. I. REMEMBER!" The pegasus barked, punctuating her words with violent shoves against the earth pony. But there is a reason why we speak of earth pony strength. Red Heart barely budged, her expression more one of weary exasperation than actual worry.
"Just a moment," the nurse said, deftly flattening the struggling pegasus against the floor with one expert twist of a forehoof. The pegasus gave a cry, more of protest than pain, as she gave a futile struggle against the one hoof on her shoulder blades pinning her down. "There. Now, where were we? Arresting somepony?" Red Heart asked.
What would my lady do in this situation? I gave her a quick glance. She peered over the top of her generous bouquet of flowers back at me, her gaze unreadable. Hmmm, she is undoubtedly trusting in my judgement as her trusted aide. I prepared myself to channel my lady, at least those bits of her that she does not share with a sweet-seeking missile.
I had to resist quipping at the griffin with a well-placed 'gotcha'. "No." I shook my head, pulling out my badge of office and holding it out for all to see. "As an agent of the crown, I am writing off that arrest as a caution. Let her fly away."
"Huh, why?" Spitfire frowned. "She tried to rip your head off. Hay, she's probably got a feather in this mess! And she's ugly!" She argued, quite persuasively.
"Granted, I am a lot more conservative with my shaving," I nodded, feeling gratefully aware of having a neck to nod with. "Being ugly is one thing, but being overzealous with my haircut is hardly deserving of having one's sanctity being violated by a train. There is no capital punishment under my ladies' rule. To preserve life and harmony is the crown's chief concern." Sunrise and Dark Side nodded approvingly. "Besides, I wouldn't rush to condemn someone for acting out of fear." There are those who can claim to know not fear. I have had the great fortune of not only knowing it but having a great drinking relation with it.
"I can vouch for her," Red Heart said, surprisingly. "She's been stuck in here with us this whole time."
"I'm not afraid!" The griffin protested, giving me a glare that threatened to perm my hair. "I'd rather do time than be forgiven by ponies!" She gave Red Heart a dirty look. "Or pitied!"
"Very well. If you'd rather do time, then I'm more than happy to oblige." I gave her my best stern look, sharpened and honed by years of staring disapprovingly at the sun. Judging by her perceptible flinch, the effect was not lost upon the griffin. "You can serve the crown and its subjects, starting by helping us stop this train."
"Wait, wha...?" The griffin gave pause, her mind seemingly finally catching up with her mouth.
"Don't make me clean out your ears with your own rear, recruit!" Spitfire barked her into line. "Or is that cowardice I smell blocking up your ears?!"
"I'm not afraid!" The griffin protested, indignant. "Fine. I'll show you, steelborn." She shot me yet another dark look.
"I'm sure you will." I gave her an unimpressed look, before turning to Coco. "I'm sorry for that, Officer Pommel. I will make sure to put in a good word of your steadfast action to the princesses, however."
"Th-that's alright," Coco squeaked, her voice barely a whisper.
"Now, let's move on quickly." I looked over at the door to the next compartment. Octavia and Iron Will had moved swiftly onwards, ignoring the whole hullabaloo to inspect the door to the next compartment. "Miss Red Heart, you should probably stay here with your patient?" I suggested to the nurse.
"If you're going through that door then you're going to need me, darling." Red Heart said, nodding over at the door to the next compartment. Octavia had opened it without any trouble at all.
"An open door! Finally, fortune calls!" Dark Side declared, excitedly.
"It got the wrong number, I expect." I eyed the darkness beyond suspiciously. The culprit is so thorough in locking and enchanting everything here I am surprised it was still possible to undo my trousers. For him to neglect the last door before the engine; it was unthinkable.
"Everypony here had gone through there to get to the engine. They never came back," Red Heart warned, confirming my fears. That would explain how this passenger compartment was empty save the three-way Appleloosan standoff. "I stayed to tend to Lightning Dust here after her kindergarten spat with the griffin turned into a poke-fest. You can see who won," she explained.
"I did! Featherbrain there can't see it; she feels it!" The pegasus, apparently named 'Lightning Dust', was quick to declare. Coming from the mummified pegasus under the nurse's hoof, it sounded as convincing as Discord on April Fools.
"I beat the clawful of brains you had out of you, dweeb! How would you know?!" The griffin pointed out, heatedly. "And I have a name. It's Gilda!"
"Excellent! My feather duster has a name! I need it as much as I need a wooden lightning rod!" Spitfire barked. "Now keep it moving, you two-bit horseshoe polish!"
"But what about the pegasus?" I asked, nodding at Lightning Dust. "Surely we should spare a thought for the infirm of body...and possibly mind?"
Lightning's mind was elsewhere, obviously, in more ways than one. She was still staring daggers at the griffin out of her one good eye. "I'm not stopping until I see her under a tombst-..." The pegasus paused, eyes suddenly locked with my own. "You!"
"I will concede that was an accurate description of me." I raised an eyebrow. "What of it?"
"I remember you...." Lightning frowned, cocking her head to one side.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" Octavia asked. Hmm, have I gone a snark too far with poor Octavia to earn me her ire?
"Well, that's a first," Lyra chuckled. "Most days he's just another somepony in the crowd."
"But where from?" Lightning's frown turned into a wince of pain as she clutched her temples with her hooves. "Ugh... need... to remember!"
"Need to cut your trip down memory lane short before the train does it for us," Lyra said.
"Well, I only remember two, and one of them I'd like to remember as an epitaph. You're not going without me until I figure out what I want to do with you," she pointed a hoof at me.
"That will not take long at all," Octavia quipped.
"Yes, I take tips in bits and cute," I said, joining Octavia at the door.
"A-are you s-sure about this?" Coco asked, eyeing the open door and the darkness within worriedly.
"Are we sure to die otherwise?" Octavia retorted, eyebrow cocked. "It looks like a cargo hold of some description," she said, squinting into the gloom beyond the door.
"The walls here have been enchanted with a soundproofing spell," Lyra said, nodding at the telltale glowing skull and crossbones glyphs on the inside of the next compartment. "How... disquieting."
"Certainly a trap." Octavia nodded, seemingly unperturbed by Lyra's pun. "Lyra, why don't you go first?" Correction, she probably was.
"I... I pity the foal who thinks any little room can... ugh... contain Iron Will... ulp... though Iron Will will need a bin to contain something else..." Iron Will groaned, staggering a little with a big beefy hand over his snout. It would appear we wouldn't be able to rely on our minotaur friend to smash through whatever was inside.
An ominous screeching noise filled the air. The train suddenly jolted violently, just as we were gathering around the doorway to peer into the gloom. The explosive lurch launched all of us flying and tumbling over each other into the very darkness beyond. And just to compound the insult, the door slammed, hitting a veritable number of backsides including my own.
The door took with it the last shred of light, plunging us all into pitch black darkness. The train continued to shudder and jostle us mercilessly, throwing us every which way in the dark.
"Okay. Who's not dead? Sound off!" Spitfire ordered.
"Lyra! What did you do?!" Octavia demanded.
"That wasn't me!" Lyra was quick to deny.
"I can't feel my hoof!" Coco's panicked voice filled the darkness.
"That one's mine, dear," Red Heart said calmly. "So is that one."
"I've got hands!" Lyra cried, excitedly.
"That's Iron Will's. Get your own," Iron Will muttered.
"Fine, stingy!" Lyra muttered. "Let me get some light in here." Her horn lit up, casting a sphere of golden light around her. "Now we can see—HNYAAAAH!" Her scream filled the gloom.
"What?! What is it?!" Gilda's voice demanded.
"I think... it's a pony..." Lyra whispered, breathlessly. She stood transfixed, staring right into the eyes of a statue standing at the very edge of her circular pool of light. It was the most lifelike statue I had ever seen, without question. In fact, in the glow, the statuesque stallion almost seemed to be... breathing?
Oh, he is.
And he wasn't alone. There were at least four others visible within Lyra's sphere of light. All of them wore frozen expressions of abject horror, mouths wide open in silent screams. They look as if they've been...
"Scared Stiff," Red Heart muttered, her voice grim.
"There's Black Joke in here," Sunrise whispered. "I can smell it."
"What's that?" Spitfire asked, lowering her voice.
"A plant created by a deadly meeting of Discord's Plunderseeds and Blue Joke," Lyra explained. "It plays for screams rather than laughs. If you scream, you are frozen in terror until somepony else wins a game against it."
"W-what do we do?" Coco asked, already trembling.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A high-pitched screech filled the darkness, almost setting everyone else off. We realized a moment later it was Gilda's. Her body, stiff as rock, collapsed heavily into the edge of Lyra's circle of light. Her expression was locked into one of stricken horror.
"Don't. Scream," Octavia whispered, hoarsely.
"Okay," Coco squeaked.