F*** You, Pinkie Pie!
An Attempt to Write a Fanfic about a Pony who knows how to break the Fourth Wall
Once upon a time, in the magical land of HEY!
Goddamn it, will you stop?
Hey, that’s some pretty bad language, mister!
Pinkie, this is like the fourteenth time I’ve tried to start this story. When are you gonna stop butting in?
I’m just saying, so many of these stories start out like that. You need a different angle.
Since when did you become a literary critic?
I’m not.
Wait, I’m confused now. Are you Pinkie Pie?
No, I’m Pinkie Pie!
The fuck?!
Language, mister!
My name is Brex, and could you please start using quotation marks around what you say?
“Oh, sorry. Yeah, I guess that was pretty confusing. By the way, what kind of a name is Brex?”
It’s short for BaroqueNexus, which is my pen name. My real name is Br
“DON’T TELL THEM!”
Right, fine. Can I please get on with the story?
“I guess because the word is all slanted now means you really mean it?”
Yes, Pinkie. Generally, italics mean to place emphasis on a specific word.
“I’m a party pony, Brexie, not an egghead like Twilight.”
If Twilight were here she’d be a lot more complacent.
“Come place what?”
Never mind. Now, can I get on with the story?
“Okey-dokey-lokey!”
Right. Ahem…
Once upon a time, er…I mean, In Equestria, there was a magical fountain that could bring about youth and vigor in the oldest of ponies “COUGH” and creatures from “COUGH” all around the world “COUGH” do you have bronchitis or something?!
“Nope, just trying to get your attention.”
Why?
“When you say magic fountain, do you mean the Fountain of Youth?”
No, I’m talking about the Art vs. Science song.
“Huh?!”
It’s sarcasm, Pinkie. Of course I’m talking about the fountain of youth.
“And let me guess. You send Pi…me to this fountain and something comes out of that, right?”
How’d you know?
“It’s so predictable, Brexie. By the way, what’s a baroque nexus anyway?”
It’s…well, it’s nothing.
“Your name is nothing?”
No, I…for the love of God, can I get on with this?
“Who’s God? Don’t you mean Celestia?”
Yes. Fine. Celestia. Okay. Now will you get out of my motherf****ing way and WHAT?!
“I don’t like your language, so I blocked it!”
How’d the f*** you get into my formatting?!
“Ooh, a question mark and an exclamation point. Bet you’re mad!”
Oh my f***ing God. You can’t be serious.
“Oh, but I am. Go ahead and try some dirty words.”
F***. B****. C***. N****r. Sh**. A**hole? B***ard? F****t?! D***head?!
“Ah, so many asterisks.”
YOU SON OF A B****!
“Teehee.”
F*** YOU, PINKIE PIE!
“It’s for your own good.”
Alright, fine. You wanna play that way? I’ll hit Control and F and I’ll get rid of WHAT THE SH*T?!
“I thought of everything, didn’t I?”
YOU HACKED MY D*MN COMPUTER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!
“And now, for being naughty, you need some lessons in manners, Pinkie Pie style!”
You’ve got to be kidding me.
“Who’s SanityLost?”
HUH?!
“SanityLost, Bloodwing, Howitzer. Are these friends of yours?”
Uhh…well…
“They are, aren’t they?”
Once upon a time
“You can’t get rid of me that easily!”
In the magical land of Hey I’m in your story now and I’m not using quotation marks! PINKIE PIE!!!!!yes?
You were never this annoying in the show.
“You were never this irritable on your FurAf…”
DON’T MENTION THAT!!!
Why? So you’re afraid of what they’ll think of you?! Y oou’re parents an d frie nnn dds must b e so proud h ey st o p that t ! !
It’s the only way I can get rid of you, Pinkie Pie.
“but withouttw m e the rr e is noo s t o rrr y! !”
We’ll see about that.
“ggrrr” gerrrr…
Don’t resist. I’m just sending you to the recycle bin.
“B R QUE NEXXX USS RE A L NAME IS BR
Hah! Can’t stop me now!
HE LL IV S IN A TGA 5 2 W CRK
Almost got you, you bitc*!
H S 1 7 HS A FRY H IS A HMSE
M*****FUCKER!
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…
Eh?
She’s gone?!
Thank fuckin’ Christ.
Now I can finally write.
…about stuff…
…about My Little Pony…
…
Shit. I miss her.
What? Did I write that? Oh, goddamn it. She broke the backspace button on her way out. Now I can’t delete anything I say.
Or she says.
Holy shit. If she comes back…then everything I am…
Ha, ha. Not that, well, not like I don’t want you guys to know…I mean, not that…oh, for the love of…
“Trying to deny the obvious?”
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?!
“You can’t get rid of me, Brexie. Or should I say, Br…”
Please, Pinkie, don’t do this! I’m sorry!
“You’re what?”
I’m sorry! Really! I wasn’t thinking right! You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I was coming about it the wrong way. But please, this place…this fandom…I can be whatever I want to be. This is a place where people of different gender, age, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and subculture can come together with similar interests! Please don’t do this!
“Why shouldn’t I?”
Because if you do…
“Yes?”
…I can’t take another whisteblower, Pinkie.
“What do you mean?”
It’s only been a year and my parents have found out three very controversial things about me that I wouldn’t normally be sharing with anyone other than myself and…well, people like me. You don’t know what it’s like, to live in secret, Pinkie, to have such a profound interest in something and having to have to hide it from your friends, your parents, everybody around you…and when they find out…
“Kinda like Big Macintosh and Smarty Pants?”
Exactly. Do you wanna know how many times in the past five years I’ve come close to killing myself? Huh?
“No, not particularly.”
Eight, Pinkie. Eight fucking times.
“I said not particularly.”
I don’t give a shit.
“You’re getting angry again.”
And why shouldn’t I be angry? You’ve just been here silent while I blather on away about shit that I don’t wanna tell the world and I can’t go back on it because you broke my goddamn backspace bar!
“Why not just cut it or use the onscreen keyboard?”
Actually, that’s not a bad id
“TOO LATE!”
I knew that was gonna happen.
“HA! Silly Brexie, only I can know when things are about to happen. For example…”
Yes?
“I know that very soon, you’re going to write a story, not about me, but about you, Brexie.”
What do you mean?
“You’re already writing it. Right now. And soon people on the Internet will read it, and they’ll know about you. They’ll know everything.”
Unless?
“Unless you write the story the way I want it.”
Okay. Deal. Fine. How do you want it?
“Ahem…once upon a time there was a pony named Pinkie Pie and she liked to party and one day the evil griffon named Gilda showed up but Pinkie saved the day and threw a rock at her. The end.”
…
“Well, what do you think?”
That’s it?
“Uh-huh.”
You know FIMFiction requires a minimum of 1,000 words per story?
“So make every letter a new word.”
That only makes it 152 words. Without spaces.
“Oh, c’mon, Brexie. You’re a writer. You wrote a book!”
Writing a book. A book that has yet to be fully published as I am still in the process of editing. But, when it does come out I hope that anyone reading this will go to
“You’re gonna promote something you haven’t even done yet?”
Pinkie, people in my world have been doing exactly that for centuries.
“Yeah, I know how you feel.”
I don’t think you do.
“Nope. I don’t. I just wanted to make you feel better.”
Really?
“Uh-huh. You see Brexie, or should I say…I was kidding, get your fingers away from the keyboard! I don’t hate anypony. I even like Gilda, though she kinda annoys me. It’s impossible for me, or for anypony in Equestria, to hate.”
But I hate so many people…Hitler, bin Laden, Snooki, Kim Kardashian, all those kids that were on the ‘teens react to My Little Pony’ video, Fred Phelps, Armando Osorio, my brother…
“You don’t hate your brother.”
But he pisses me off so much!
“Brex, you keep this up knighty and Poultron are never gonna let you put this online.”
How do you…oh, forget it.
“You see? We’re making progress!”
Progress of what?
“Progress of friendship!”
Weren’t we already friends?
“We are now?”
You’re trippier than Donnie Darko, Pinkie.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Heh…
Once upon a time, in the magical land of the human mind, a young writer by the name of Br---- found out that, in order to write a story that really speaks for itself, sometimes it actually had to speak for itself. He learned that it doesn’t matter if you’re different. He learned that friendship really is magic.
How’s that?
“BOOORRRING! No chance of getting featured! Poultron will laugh at you and all of your friends will post unhappy pony faces!”
In other words?
“It’ll do.”
I love you, Pinkie Pie.
“Go soak your head, Brexie.”
:)
o_0
/) ?
|\| [].
Okay, Pinkie. I’m gonna go watch Mishka the Talking Husky now.
“BYYYEEEEEE!”
…
And…
She’s gone.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed that spectacle as much as I didn’t enjoy it.
Stay classy, bronies.