Shining was no pushover. He would always prove that wrong to whoever said that. He was a former Captain of the Guard and still held the most recorded wins in practice duels back at his former academy. He faced bandits, changelings, and even an undead dark tyrant. He was not, in any shape or form, a pushover.
Which is why it was embarrassing to have an entire platoon of guards protecting him. Or more accurately: his royal behind. Sighing, he turned to his wife who was waving to a few Canterlot foals and said, “Do you really think I need all this protection? I’ve got fast enough reflexes to make a shield if there is any danger.”
“Honey, I know it’s a bit embarrassing, but this is all for your protection,” answered Cadance, nonchalantly.
Shining Armor glared behind him. Flanking him was a unicorn guard on each end of his buttcheeks while another, a pegasi, flew just above his tail. This wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the heavy armored earth pony lowering his head just inches away from his crack. “Do you really have to be that close? It feels like you're ready to sniff my behind like a dog.”
“Princess Celestia’s orders, sir. If it helps, it smells nice and orangey.”
“That would be thanks to the spa sisters I hired,” proclaimed Cadance with a proud tone in her voice. “Lotus and Aloe were very eager for that job.”
“A little too eager if you ask me,” muttered Shining Armor, who still felt too uncomfortably clean in places better not mentioned.
Soon enough they made it to the royal palace where Princess Celestia, Twilight, her friends, and his family were all waiting. After a few greetings, Celestia guided everypony inside where, thankfully, the guards protecting Shining’s rump were dismissed. Female servants and guards all cheered and stomped their hooves as Shining Armor passed them, much to the confusion of some males. By the time they reached the throne room, Celestia turned and smiled at the contest winner.
“Shining Armor, allow me, a former champion myself, to congratulate you as this year’s Best Equestrian Butt. You are the first male to ever win this contest and it is a huge honor. How do you feel?”
“Well... it’s still all a shock to me,” said Shining Armor, nervously.
“Well, tonight you will present your winning rump to an entire stadium of mares who all want to see you. It will be a historical event and we can’t wait to see your performance.”
Shining Armor’s eyes lit up. “P-performance?”
“Oh yes,” said Twilight. “every winner has to do a performance with their backside. Sometimes the winner does a dance, other times they perform something sexual. Even just sitting down and scooting on your rear end is permitted. As long as it features your backside being used, anything is acceptable.”
“I happen to remember my first performance,” sighed Twilight Velvet. “I was taking martial arts at the time and wanted to show my mastery of Jeet Plot Do. I broke boards and concrete with my little tush.” Velvet rubbed her backside and gave her cutie mark a kiss which made Shining Armor and Night Light blush for different reasons.
“There are martial arts styles for using your rear?” asked Shining Armor, feeling his head spinning.
“Oh yes, I happen to have mastered three of them myself,” said Princess Celestia. “There is Tail Kwan Do, Rump Fu, and Buttjutsu. Only one mare ever mastered all the styles, including the ever difficult Tushy Thai. What was her name again?”
“Derpy Hooves,” answered Rainbow Dash, wincing as she rubbed her neck. “And trust me, they don’t call her the Iron Backside of Death for nothing.”
Sweat started to drip down Shining Armor’s neck. He didn’t have an act, If this contest really was so important then as the first male winner they likely expected something really special. “Uh, just hypothetically, what if the performance is bad?”
“Oh, then that pony is taken by a mob, and hit across her backside with thorny whips until she falls unconscious. Then everypony in the stadium uses her as a bathroom before finally shoving a large stick up her butt that she is forced to wear in her hiney for the rest of her days in shame. That only ever happened a few times in history and their names shall not be mentioned for they were dead to us long before they all killed themselves in grief months after failing,” answered Cadance with a smile. “Why do you ask?”
“...No reason,” whimpered Shining Armor who was wondering how the Badlands were like this time of year.
“Well, before we head to the stadium, we have to make sure you’re in perfect health. Nurse Redheart will be examining your backside to make sure it’s well,” said Princess Celestia just as Nurse Redheart entered the room.
“I’m ready to give the patient his examination,” said Nurse Redheart with a sweet smile.
“Ah, good. You can use our Hospital Wing. We’ll see you soon, Shining Armor,” said Princess Celestia as they all left one by one.
Night Light and Spike, however, walked over to their fellow male and patted him on the shoulders. “Son, I just want you to know that if anything happens to you... at least you died living some stallion’s sick twisted fantasy.”
“Gee, thanks Dad. I love you too,” muttered Shining Armor.
“Hey, at least you’ll have a thousand screaming and squealing mares looking at your butt. Think of yourself as one of the Beatles, only not as cool, musically talented, or a Trottingham accent,” said Spike, rubbing his chin. “Of course if you fail to entertain those same mares they are gonna destroy you in every embarrassing way there is for a living being. So no pressure.”
“Spike, if I live through this I want my comic books back,” muttered Shining Armor as he followed Nurse Redheart.
“Noooo! At least let me keep Spider-mare!”
***
Shining Armor wondered how in Equestria would Celestia manage to keep every stallion outside of a single stadium while every mare attended. His answer was in the forum of a large sign outside that said “Shoe Sale 50% Off!”
Clever.
Guided into the stadium by guards, Shining Armor peeked outside the curtain entrance leading to a stage in the middle of the stadium. The entire place was packed with mares chatting to one another while waiting for the winner to arrive. The stadium itself was decorated like any normal event hosted in Canterlot, only it was butt themed much to Shining’s non-surprise. There were statues of previous winners all in luscious positions that made it difficult for little Shining to stay put and hidden. Thankfully, that little trouble ended when he saw his mother’s statue and nearly lost his lunch.
Banners of his cutie mark and a full orchestra were set up alongside a red carpet that Shining would have to walk out on. Gulping, he tried to figure out an escape plan before Cadance rushed over to him with a worried look. “Thank goodness! Where were you? You’re okay, right? You were with Nurse Redheart for almost an hour!”
“She wanted to be... very thorough,” muttered Shining Armor wincing at the memory of his... appointment with the nurse.
“Was it that bad?” asked Cadance, raising an eyebrow.
“Well...”
***One Hour Ago***
Shining Armor entered the familiar, and abandoned, hospital wing where he took off his uniform. “So what is this gonna be? Standard health check? Do I need to pee in a cup?”
“Bend your knees, raise your rump, and touch the floor with your nose.”
“Wha?” Shining Armor turned around only to almost nearly faint at the carriage sized shot that the nurse had in her hooves while giving him a look that said “dominatrix”.
“I’m gonna show you where the wild goose goes.”
***
“... She’s passionate about her job, I’ll say that.”
Cadance shrugged, “Whatever, now let’s go! It’s time for your big moment!”
Before Shining Armor could say anything, his wife grabbed him with her magic and tossed him head first out of the curtains and onto the red carpet. The orchestra saw him and began to play a cheerful and celebratory tune. Naturally, he landed on his stomach while his flank was raised in the air. The crowd went wild as they saw him, some of the mares already cat-calling him as they began to take photos of the butt raised prince.
Apparently, the universe was clear in its determination to shred Shining Armor of every last inch of his dignity. Raising himself back on all fours, Shining Armor nervous trotted forward while occasionally waving towards the crowd that continued to applaud him.
“We love you, Shining Armor!”
“Your butt is sexy as buck!”
“Shake that plot over here! Mama needs her sugar!”
“That’s my brother! Big Brother Best Butt Forever!”
“And I gave birth to that Best Butt!”
Kill me now, thought Shining Armor, debating whether he would rather take being mind controlled by the changeling queen over this.
Finally, he reached the end of the carpet and climbed up the stairs where Princess Celestia, dressed in royal garbs, stood next to a few ponies that had to be the avatars of the judgers that Twilight told him about. And they were quite strange looking ponies as well. Why do some of them look like alicorns? Or bat ponies? Or multi-colored dragon and pony hybrids with angel wings and griffin talons? Hay, some of them even look like my sister and her friends but different colors! What the hay are these freaks?!
Shining Armor’s thoughts were interrupted when Celestia spoke, “Mares of Equestria! Thank you, one and all, for coming to this year’s celebration for this year’s Best Equestrian Butt Award Ceremony!”
Another series of cheers went out.
“As you all know, the backside is our most prized body part and it on this day that we honor it and all the uses we have for it,” said Celestia. “For nearly fifteen hundred years we have always had mares as winners of this contest in the name of the plot. Now, for the first time in history, do we have a male winner among us.” Celestia raised her hoof over Shining Armor. “I present to you your winner, Prince Shining Armor!”
The cheers were even louder as some began shouting his name. Shining Armor faked a smile and waved. I didn’t even have this many ponies at my wedding...
“Now, as is tradition, Shining Armor shall now perform for us in order to show why his butt, out of all butts, is the best in the land!” shouted Celestia.
Shining Armor’s eyes widen. Oh horseapples! I forgot about that! I got nothing! I’m screwed! They’re gonna put a stick up my butt and ruin me!
The entire stadium went quiet as Celestia and the avatars got off stage and left Shining Armor all alone by himself. Stared at by thousands of mares awaiting the performance that he did not have.
The terrified prince turned around and gulped as whispers began to spread across the stadium. This isn’t good. Think of something! It has to involve your butt in some way. Shake it around like a dancer? No, too obvious. Slam it up and down on the ground in a rhythmic beat? Forget it, I got no musical talent. Scoot on it around the ground like a dog? Make that plan B. Oh dammit, I’m so nervous I’m itching everywhere!
Shining Armor, unable to stand still, scratched the itch on his rump with his hoof which made the audience gasp. He froze, wondering what he did until he scratched it again.
“Ooooo!” went the audience.
“No... it couldn’t be that easy...” Shining muttered to himself in disbelief. Curious, he turned around so that his hindquarters was more viewed by others. He scratched it again, and this made the audience stomp their hooves in approval.
Smiling he then started to scratch all over his rump, this time with both hooves. The mares in the audience went wild as they stomped even harder. Shining took it a step further as he began to shake his rump back and forth, flicking his tail every so often while slowly scratching his cheeks up and down, side by side.
Mares fainted in droves as some even threw bras and panties at the stage despite none of them even wearing clothes. Cadance, up in the audience, had to be held back by security just so she didn’t jump her husband and break in that rump right there and then. Shining Armor was about to continue when suddenly...
Zap!
“Yeow!” shouted Shining Armor as a blast of magic burned the right side of his rump and left a mark.
In a split second, the audience gasped before crying out in outrage. Somepony had dared to attack their contest winner and in the middle of a good performance too. Names were shouted, blood was demanded be spilt, a riot looked ready to happen. Up in the audience, Twilight, eyes and horn glowing, was scanning the area for the attacker. “Who dares hurt my brother! Come out and face me coward!”
Cadance flew right to her husband’s aid while Celestia, fury in her eyes, flew down and landed in front of Shining Armor, protecting him like a shield. Cadance landed next to Shining, who was rubbing his poor burned butt with tears in his eyes, and cried out, “Shining! Are you okay! How is your butt!”
“Sore... but it was nothing. Just a small blast,” said Shining Armor, wincing. Cadance’s reaction was to lean down and kiss the burn mark, making the stallion blush.
“Don’t worry, my love. Cadance will make sure your tushie is never harmed again!” Cadance kissed her beloved before turning to Celestia, growling.
“Auntie! I want who ever did this dead! You hear me! DEAD!”
Celestia, using her Royal Canterlot Voice, shouted, “Who dare attack our winner of our sacred contest! Step forward and face me like a real pony, coward!”
“Need not worry, Sister! For here I am!”
Everypony gasped at once, even Shining Armor was in disbelief when he saw who it was that shot him as she landed in front of Celestia. Her face was full of determination and yet also rage. “P-princess Luna?”
Celestia soon collected herself and glared at her sister. “Luna, explain yourself.”
“I do not approve of a stallion being the winner of our beloved contest. As a former champion, I hereby declare that this so called winner should not even be here! Our traditions have always stated that a mare should be the winner, and yet are we to go back on our ways? Whose butt shall we judge next? Dragons? Griffins? Changelings? Foals? Breezies? Windgos? Open one door and more shall come! I will not allow this to go unchallenged! I hereby challenge Prince Shining Armor to a Rump Off!”