"One for the money, Two for the show, Three because uh-it comes before four, and here we go!
-Tigger
“I dated a Diamond Dog once.” The conversation had died and it needed to be resuscitated ASAP, so the unicorn decided to hit it with a thousand volts of interesting conversation starter. Doctor recommended and approved. Sadly, it didn’t always work and this was one of those cases. The patient simply laid dead on the table: T.O.D 8:45 PM. “Guess you could say I’m a real gem, huh?”
Humor is the best medicine they always said. Sadly, whoever ‘they’ were obviously never had awkward dinner conversation die on them. The colt across the table from the unicorn raised an eyebrow.
“Right…” His head turned as he looked around the fancy dancy restaurant they were in. Places like this weren’t exactly the unicorn’s style, she preferred to slum it in the clubs with the real ponies. Places like this that reeked of disingenuous fake ponies nearly made her sick, but sometimes even the most stubborn of mares has to make concessions for their heart.
“So…where’s that waiter, huh? Hope he didn’t run off…” A nervous chuckle sounded from her throat after the sentence. She was genuinely nervous. She always was at these things….messy things, dates. She would give anything for just one date with a rocker or a punk, just one. But sadly, this mare didn’t like that type.
Granny always told her opposites attract, and this was very true in her own case. She was into the club scene; the dirty beats, the dirty ponies, the feeling of being plain dangerous. It was exhilarating. Matters of the heart were totally different things, she loved the high class musicians of the concert halls. They may be fancy, but she always found that musicians were always real. No musician could lie to themselves or anypony else, it was their job to express themselves and not hold anything back.
Sure, with DJ’s and rockers it was so visceral and gritty. But with first chair cellists and operatic performers it was always so beautiful, so tragically beautiful. They didn’t write their own music, they followed someone else’s script yet still poured their very soul into every bar and every note. Something about that just melted the mare’s heart and sent her head over hooves.
The worst part of dating concert pianists and ponies of the such was that she had to wear something….nice. Well, the fact that she had to wear anything at all was bad enough, but the fact that it had to be nice and fancy made it just as bad. Thank Celestia she had an old standby: A two-tone blue dress that matched her mane perfectly and brought out the white of her coat.
“Miss Scratch-” Her date, 2nd chair flutist for the Fillydelphia Harmonic Orchestra who went by the name High Note, started to address her formally. She would have none of that.
“Please, call me Vinyl.” The out-of-her-element-pony gave the best smile she could. Even her lovely magenta eyes seemed to smile. She wasn’t used to thinking of her eyes as magenta, often times she either wore her purple tinted shades, which she counted as an extension of her eyes, or her red contacts that freaked out ponies on a number of levels.
“Very well…” He cleared his throat. “Vinyl…” Just the way he said her name made her grind her teeth, this was not going to be a good sentence, she could feel it. “I must… thank you for this meal—” She was going to point out how the food hadn’t even arrived yet but High Note simply continued. “—but I must take my leave… I just remembered we have a late night rehearsal at the music hall.” She knew it was going to end this way, sure a large part of her wanted it to work out, but she also knew that none of her dates ever worked out.
With not another word, the colt gracefully got up from his chair and glided out of the restaurant without taking a look back… and saddling her with the bill of the most expensive meal she had ever ordered (which happened to be the cheapest thing on the menu), from the most expensive place in Canterlot.
“Ponies suck…” mumbled the wolf in sheep’s clothing as she let her head hit the table with a solid thud. Her ears perked up not a moment later when two plates gently hit the table.
“Will you be needing the check now, miss?” She didn’t look up from the table to answer the waiter, even though she knew the consequence of her answer.
“Truth is, dude…I can’t pay for this bucking meal. Heck, who do I think I’m kiddin’? I couldn’t even pay a fourth of this bill and I know it…” Her façade dissipated quickly when she knew she was beat. Vinyl heard the waiter sigh, she heard him step out of the restaurant and call for guards. So the unicorn did the only thing she could do: she lifted her head up, then let it fall to the table again. The impact was good enough to send her vision swimming, if she had been drunk it would’ve made her black out.
In her experience it was a good idea to knock herself out when being arrested. Vinyl had a…distaste for authority that often tacked on extra charges in addition to whatever she originally was in trouble for. So, once more, her head came up then slammed down onto the solid oak table and sent her straight into the dark pit known as unconsciousness.
--
This was the worst patrol, known to the seasoned vets as the Vinyl. Aptly named for the disturbances caused nightly by a colorful personality with an equally colorful rap sheet. Tonight it was a delinquent bill that not even he could afford on a guard’s salary.
He was stuck on the Vinyl due to…insubordination. This specific guard left his post in order to attend his little sister’s birthday party. He knew the consequences, but he was always taught that family comes first. That goes double for his little sis.
“Shining, looks like she knocked herself out…again. Pick her up, but be aware, you remember what happened last night…” His supervisor, a grizzled old Pegasus named Short Fuse ordered. Once upon a time, Short Fuse served as a Magical Ordnance Detonator during the Griffon Wars 40 years ago…and he didn’t let Shining Armor forget that tidbit when he hesitated.
The statuesque white stallion lit up his horn and lifted the knocked out mare from her seat. Last night, Vinyl had been drunk and passed out in the street, Shining went to pick her up and she sprung up and bowled him over. ‘Road rash sucks’ is the short version of that story.
The sad part of this was that Shining felt a connection to the troublemaking mare. Sure, he was a rookie and knew that this empathy would fade, the jaded guards were proof of that. But she was a white unicorn with a two-tone messy blue mane…just like him. It made him think of a little sister, and this was the prime example of the pony his little sister couldn’t become…not for a single minute. With that thought, the rookie guard gingerly laid the mare across his back.
“C’mon princess, I didn’t almost die in the war only to be killed by boredom.” There it was, number ten. Shining guessed he was short of his quota his month, hence all of the extra mentions tonight.
For now it was time to walk all the way back to the precinct and drop Miss Scratch off for the night while listening to the story of Short Fuse’s glory days. What a rush, right?
----
Vinyl woke up, head pounding. Instinctively, she reached for her boom box to stop the bass from pounding her head into a jelly-like substance. Sadly, she realized she wasn’t in her house, or anypony else’s….or in the backroom of some seedy club. She was in jail…again.
The cold steel of the table under her head seemed even more familiar than her own pillow at this point. It was even more reliable and softer. That was a sad, sad thought in retrospect.
“Good morning, Miss Scratch.” Vinyl vaguely recognized the voice. Female. Vastly superior and regal compared to her own speech. It was a Canterlot authority figure, probably a captain or a duchess she had wronged in the past.
“Listen lady…my head’s pounding, I’m in jail, and I’m not even hungover.” Vinyl closed her eyes and sighed. “So please, please, leave me the buck alone for like five minutes…‘kay?” The mare didn’t leave, whoever it was. Vinyl admired the aristocrat’s ability to withstand ‘foul language.’ Usually the upper echelon would faint at such distasteful words. That deserved a look.
Vinyl’s head raised ever so slightly so that she could see through the mess she called a mane. Before her, not needing a chair to sit, was Princess Celestia herself. Vinyl uttered a very loud, unladylike curse word when she saw the monarch.
“Please tell me that you’re here to give me some kind of medal, or to tell me that I’m some sort of alicorn princess in disguise like in those god-awful stories…” The punk pony knew she was in trouble, royal trouble even. The Princess didn’t visit a pony in a cell for no particular reason.
The Princess chuckled! Thank Cele-well… thank her! She chuckled! This might not be a total cluster-buck like expected.
“No, I’m afraid not my little pony.” The princess straightened her posture and cleared her throat. “It’s not every day that I get to visit a pony with such…infamy among the guards.” Celestia looked as though she was containing a smile, barely.
“Stop, you’re making me blush…” Deadpanned Vinyl.
“You know how lenient I am with my punishments.” Hell, everypony did. The Princess operated on a ‘ten strikes and you’re kinda-sorta out’ mentality. If you did enough bad things or a bad enough thing she would come see you and issue a rehabilitation sentence. “But seeing as how you’ve been such a…problem around the city, I saw it fit to give you a harsher punishment than usual.”
Vinyl’s eyes widened at those implications. She had heard the stories from over a thousand years ago, Equestria used to have a prison system that was very harsh, then about the time that the old Nightmare Moon fables were from, the prison system was dismantled, the prisons were converted to libraries and schools, and a rehabilitation system was set up. Vinyl didn’t want to be the first pony in a thousand years to be thrown into a prison.
“I’m afraid, in accordance with the Lunar Rehabilitation Act of 1000 AD, I must place you in the care of a member of law enforcement until such a time that your caretaker deems you stable and rehabilitated.” Each word was recited with ease, and apparently with great disdain. Not that they weren’t received with equal amounts of disdain.
--
“No bucking way, nu-uh!” Shining Armor stomped his hoof onto the ground, nearly cracking the tile beneath it. The pony behind the desk, a unicorn of the darkest shade, raised an eyebrow at the outburst. He was Captain of the Royal Guard: coordinator of Equestria’s military and sole protector of the Princess. He had been doing so for a little over ten years, and not once had a soldier refused orders so vehemently. But, like the good and pious pony he was, he practiced patience and understanding.
The hulking black stallion stepped from behind the desk and slowly paced over to his subordinate. “Son, I’m sure you know my story, but I’m going to tell it to you anyways…” The captain cleared his throat, which made the smaller pony before him visibly flinch. “When I was but a foal, I was abandoned on the steps of this very castle. I had no documents with me, no lineage, no name.” Slowly, he circled Shining Armor. “Now I realize that for somepony like you, with a rich family heritage, this is very hard to imagine.” The strike at his family hurt Shining Armor, sure he wasn’t a noble but his family was quite well known, giving Shining quite the pedigree. “Eventually, when I was old enough, I started getting into fights in the orphanage. My caretakers gave me the wonderful moniker I bear now. Knock Out.” Just the name sent shivers up the rookie’s perfect white coat. “It wasn’t just my name…it was my calling. Knock Out, the finishing blow, signaling the end and finality. I became the soldier to end all other soldiers, I joined the military.” The hulking stallion’s eyes flashed with national pride, with memories of service passed.
“Yes sir, I know si-”
“I’m not done!” The captain boomed and the rookie cowered. Swiftly, the captain regained his composure. “I was in the Zebrican wars. I didn’t want to go to that Celestia-forsaken land, I didn’t.” He shook his head with each word. “But I had to!” His head shot up straight, a proud spark gleamed in his eye. “I swore an oath to protect Equestria, all of her citizens and interests. You.” A massive hoof poked Shining Armor’s chest, nearly sending the smaller stallion onto his rump. “You gave a similar oath, to serve and protect the ponies of this grand city. This….mare-do-well, this Vinyl Scratch, is a pony of this city. She needs to be protected. Not from some malevolent force, not from an invading army. From herself.”
Shining Armor could only nod solemnly in response.
“‘The greatest threat to any one pony is the darkness in their own hearts’- Star Swirl 10:6...are you familiar with that verse?” Once again, a quick nod from the rookie. “Good. Now, raise your righteous and holy blade and purge this darkness from this young mare’s heart. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir…” The white stallion said quickly and quietly. Captain Knock Out shooed him away with his hoof, Shining Armor couldn’t get away quick enough. The captain scared him half to death.
Looking back on the conversation, Shining Armor marked the ‘mare-do-well’ pun as something to mention to Twily. She liked wordplay.
--
“Fine…fine. I’ll do it…” After about ten minutes of Vinyl begging the Princess to throw her in the deepest darkest dungeon imaginable just so she wouldn’t have to live with some stuck up, rigid guard for however long it would take, the pony finally caved. “But I don’t want no stick in the mud as a foal sitter….” Vinyl thought for a good long second. “And make ‘em easy on the eyes. If I’m going to be looking at somepony for a long time, I want ‘em to shine.” That sentiment brought a devilish smile to Celestia’s face.
“Male or female?”
“Either will do, just make sure they’re a looker.”
“Then you will be quite pleased with my choice…”
----
“YOU?!” The call came from an incredulous Vinyl Scratch, sans her fancy dress that she had been wearing earlier. She was now standing in front of her new best friend for the next few measurements of time that had yet to be determined.
“I’m not exactly thrilled about the situation either, ma’am.” Shining Armor, in full guard attire, came to her jail cell a few hours after the Princess had broken the news to her.
“Don’t ma’am me, Twinkle. I’m not a ma’am, I’m a chick, a lady-dude, a mare-y mare-y quite contrary. I’m anything but a ma’am.” Vinyl gave the guard a defiant glare, but deep down she was giggling at her clever pun. It wasn’t often that quick wit worked its way into her usually vulgar speech.
“Fine, Miss Scratch. I’m not happy about this either, but I have to do it and you have to put up with me until you’re rehabilitated.” He stood erect, not showing any sign of true emotion. “My orders are to assume residence in your home with you, right after I cast the binding spell.” That caught the attention of the mare.
“Binding spell?” Vinyl stepped closer and cocked her head to the side. “I might be a unicorn, but I’m not too keen on having strange dudes cast spells on me, savvy?” Vinyl was not a big magic user, she could levitate stuff. That’s about it, really. She never really had any use for anything more fancy than the basics.
“It’s mandatory, miss. The binding spell makes sure that we can’t get more than a hundred feet apart. If we do, you’ll be teleported to my side.” Before vinyl could voice her extremely explicit opinion, the stallion’s horn glowed pink. Vinyl tried to stifle a giggle but burst out laughing, which made Shining Armor stop the spell. “What are you laughing about?”
“Y-Your…” She took in a deep breath and let out another round of hearty laughter. “Your horn…I-it glows p-p--pfffft! PINK!” With that, the unicorn fell on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Shining Armor blushed a deep crimson. The glow of his horn had always been a very sensitive subject to him. All throughout primary school he was teased about it, he was a big hulking stallion and his magic was pink. One big oxymoron in his mind. It didn’t help that his mom always said ‘it’s only pink because you’re more in touch with your feminine side than other colts.’ Moms were supposed to make you feel better, not emasculate you.
“Yes…my magic is pink. Let’s be mature about it, alright…?” He hardened his gaze and concentrated again, letting his horn pulse with magical energies. Vinyl just laughed harder when he did so. Shining sighed and cast the spell with little effort, his pink magic snaked its way through the air and connected itself with Vinyl’s own horn.
They were bound together now, for better or for worse.
--
“Here it is! Casa Del Scratch.” Surprisingly, the apartment wasn’t what anypony would expect from Vinyl. There weren’t piles of trash everywhere, some band nopony’s ever heard of wasn’t playing loudly, and there were hardwood floors. Classy for a pony such as her.
“It’s…nice?” He didn’t mean to offend the mare, he was just surprised.
“I’m barely here, I never have time to mess it up.” She sauntered over to the black fabric couch and flopped onto it. “Though now…well, I guess I’ll finally able to mess it up proper.”
Something was off here, Shining could feel it. This was either the job of a professional maid or an OCD patient. To check his theory, he dragged his tail over a counter and then inspected it for dust. Nothing. If she was never here, this place would be caked in dust.
“Uh-huh…” He was going to figure out what this mare was hiding, it was his job. So, he sat across from his new charge and eyed her carefully. “I have to follow protocol and ask you a few questions about yourself…” There was no protocol, he was just being a snoop.
“Alright Twinkle, shoot.” She was laid down on the couch, sprawled in the sunlight that came in from the large window that faced the street. Pure relaxation.
“I will…” Shining was a stallion, he wasn’t keen on being called Twinkle. Sadly, he had to put up with it. “Do you have a job?” Start with basic, semi-personal questions then work your way up. Simple interrogation techniques.
“Nope. I’m as free as a Pegasus on an updraft.” She closed her eyes as she answered, obviously content with soaking up the sun.
“Then how do you pay for things?”
“I have my ways, Twinkle. Next question.” She cast it off so nonchalantly, it was a tad frustrating.
“Okay, fine.” He thought up another question. “Any family?” At that, she cracked an eye.
“Yep, mom and dad live here with me.” Shining looked around, his cobalt eyes searching for the parents she mentioned. “Right up there on the mantle.” Her tail pointed above the fire place, he turned his head to look. Sitting atop it, were two silver urns. One read ‘Mom’, the other ‘Dad.’ Shining just furrowed his brow.
“My condolences.”
“Yep.” Vinyl sighed and rolled onto her back, letting the warm sunlight hit her belly. “Next.”
That was very odd, nopony should be able to just shrug off the death of their parents. If he ever lost his own parents…well, he would be devastated for the rest of his life.
“Any…other family?”
“A sister…well, she’s not my real sister, but we grew up together. She’s the closest thing to a sister…now she runs the orphanage here in Canterlot.” He knew the mare, Skyward Glory, he often volunteered at the orphanage when he was younger with Twilight. It was odd to think of Vinyl and the kindly owner as friends.
“I’ll need to talk to her…” He realized he thought that out loud when Vinyl looked at him strangely. So, he went for a cover-up. “To ask her about how to help you better, it’s my job to see you rehabilitated after all.”
“’Kay, we’ll go see her sometime.” The nonchalant nature of the answers was actually very nerve wracking for the young guard, it was almost as if she was trained to be as relaxed as possible.
“Last question, why do you call me Twinkle..?”
Vinyl simply smiled behind her closed eyes. “Because I can...Twinkle.”
----
“Nice place…” Vinyl was getting used to her new magical tether. On their way to Shining Armor’s family home Vinyl would sometimes get distracted and wander off, then in a flash she would be right back by his side. The worst part was the teleportation itself, it left Vinyl dizzy and feeling like she lost something. That feeling alone kept her close enough to him.
“Yeah, I guess my parents are pretty well off.” To Shining Armor it was just his house, his simple home that looked as plain as it did every other day. “I gotta talk to my folks about this new situation…doubt they’ll take it well.” With that, he gently pushed the door open and stepped inside.
Inside was a simple house, nothing fancy. Sure, it was more than she had, but it just felt….humble. She looked around and saw no valuables, a few pictures of a grown stallion and mare on their wedding day. A picture of a young Shining Armor and a newborn purple foal, strangely none of Shining Armor as a foal.
Shining Armor ordered her to sit on the couch, so she did. This wasn’t her domain, not even close. It was better just to sit and wait, observe. He called up the stairs, for Twilight, probably his little sister.
Vinyl, meanwhile, spotted an open bottle of wine and decided she had earned some decadence. For what, well she would figure that out later. The bottle became encased in a blue glow and floated to her lips, she took a long swig.
“1478 Everfree Valley, vintage, nice.” She thought as she tasted the spirit. It was quite amazing, such a rare and expensive wine. Shame it was just her enjoying it. She took another sip of the finely aged beverage. Delicious.
As another swig was being taken, a young filly came walking down the stairs, her nose buried in an old book. She was purple, but a good soft purple, not amethyst. Vinyl couldn’t tell her eye color or cutie mark, the book was almost as big as the filly and blocking most of her body. From what Vinyl could see, Twilight was about five years younger than herself, if not more. The filly still had her foal weight it looked like.
“Twily, where are mom and dad?” Shining nuzzled the top of his sibling’s head. Twilight didn’t even look from her book.
“They went to the castle to look for you, they were worried.” She kept reading, and without seemingly seeing Vinyl, she addressed her. “Who’s she?”
“Long story, Twily. Just tell mom and dad I’m on bind duty, they’ll know what I mean.” Twilight just kept reading, as if she was ignoring her brother. She gave some sound in the affirmative and kept her nose buried in the binding of the tome. “Got it?” The filly simply raised an eyebrow at her older brother. “Right…okay.” He cleared his throat and stepped away.
“Well, guess that takes care of that. Let’s Scoot, huh?” Truth was, the little one kinda gave Vinyl the skeeves. She was like some sort of savant or something.
“Sure, as soon as you put down the wine.”
Regretfully, Vinyl complied and the duo left the house in a hurry. As soon as the door shut behind them, the not-even-buzzed mare spoke up.
“Okay, what was with her? She’s kind of creepy.” Vinyl got a look from her guardian. “And by kind of creepy, I mean really bucking creepy.” The look became more harsh.
“She’s an 11 year old with a high IQ. Twilight is bound to be creepy to someone like you, Miss Scratch.” One smart cookie.
“I’m hurt, Twinkle.”
“You’re also drunk, Scratch. I can smell it on your breath.”
Damn summer breeze liked to carry the slightest of smells.
“I’m not drunk!” She defended vehemently. “It was half of bottle of wine, I’m maybe buzzed.” Shining Armor turned his gaze towards the street and started walking. “Killjoy!”
“I’m not a killjoy…” The guard called back. “I’m just being a professional.”
“Yeah, a professional killjoy.” Mumbled Vinyl. She didn’t like the massive buzz kill that her personal guard was.
“It’s my job to keep you in check, not to let you get hammered off of six-hundred year old wine.” The guard skulked off into the streets, Vinyl tagging along at risk of being teleported again.
“Hey, you left me unsupervised with booze. That’s a bad idea on your part.” Vinyl was containing her condescension, barely. It was in her nature to bash guards, but doing that to this specific guard could make her life miserable.
“Fine, whatever. Let’s head off to the orphanage, I want to talk to this ‘sister’ of yours.” Shining was getting tired of his charge’s lip, he wanted to get to the bottom of her bad attitude.
“Uhh….it’s like five PM dude, she’s probably feeding the little ones dinner or something.” Vinyl’s voice was urgent, like she didn’t want this to happen. Like she was hiding something. Shining Armor wanted to get to the bottom of this.
“I’m sure she won’t mind when she learns you’re in trouble.” Shining smirked and trotted along, leaving Vinyl shocked and trying to find a snarky remark to fire back.