"Er... no," Spike states flatly after taking a much needed moment to allow his brain to catch up. "Twilight taught me to never talk to strangers, and I don't think they get much stranger then you, Discord."
Discord's face droops, his fake wings and horn falling off and his real ones reappearing as he does. His depressed moment doesn't last long though as he soon bounces back to his peppy self.
"Come on, Spikey!" he says in his normal sonding voice. "My main drake! Help a fellow dragon out here, would ya?"
Spike crosses his arms and looks up at the chaotic spirit.
"I'm not the biggest fan of dragons, Discord," he explains with a passive shrug. "Even if you were one instead of... what, one fifth of one?"
"One fourth, including private body parts and organs."
The dragon waves a claw. "Yeah yeah, whatever. Even if you were one, I wouldn't help you for all the gems in Canterlot. I don't know what kind of scheme you're cooking up this time, buddy, but if you think I'm just going to stand by and let you mess with ponies again..."
Discord quickly waves his paw and claws around.
"No scheme, I assure you!" he's quick to reply. "I'm just here trying to help apple pony's apple brother with his non-apple related trouble! Honest!"
Raising an eyebrow, Spike tilts his head and looks over at the other sudden addition to the room.
Big Mac is still sitting down motionlessly in front of the enchanted mirror, watching the equally still picture of his cousin Braeburn in a very calm manner.
Though he is still and unmoving, he is anything but quiet.
"Braeburn..." the large stallion begins. "I... I know you're a hard working stallion, a proud apple pony, and you've always been such a great friend and cousin of mine...
"... but I honestly don't think I could ever properly articulate my hatred for you in mere words alone. I would need to dip into the realm of interpretive dance in order to get even a fraction of the point across to you..."
Spike watches this exchange for a moment longer, up to at least a rant concerning sports teams, before he spins around on the spot and points an accusing finger at the draconequus before him.
"What did you do to him, Discord?!"
Raising his appendages in a show of surrender, Discord responds to the tiny dragon "N-nothing! Nothing at all! It's all the Poison Joke's fault!
"... Which, okay, I did create centuries ago while drunk... but it wasn't my doing that got him affected!"
Spike blinks. "... Poison Joke?"
Discord nods his head. "Yup yup. This death castle," he explains, raising his arms in the air and pointing at, well, everything. "is helping the Everfree to expand into Ponyville! Big Macintosh is probably the first in what might become a laundry list of other afflicted ponies!"
"... So, what then?" Spike asks as he approaches Big Mac's side. "Can he only tell the truth or something?"
"Spike, wait!" Discord quickly warns, slithering through the air towards the pair in a desperate attempt to halt what is to come. "Don't...!"
But he is too late.
Big Mac turns his head to meet Spike's gaze.
"..."
"..."
Big Mac gently pats Spike on the head.
"You're a good kid," he says, equally as gently. "You need to grow a spine, and not let ponies walk all over you like how they used to walk over Fluttershy, but I can tell that you're slowly getting there. Keep up the good work; I'm always rootin' for ya."
Big Mac then returns his attention to the mirror.
"..."
A smiling Spike turns to the staring Discord. "I fail to see the problem here."
Discord is one of the few gifted individuals in Equestria who is capable of performing a true facepalm.
Thus, using his awesome power, Discord goes one step beyond by performing a double version of the legendary technique.
"Spike," Discord explains around his claw and paw mask of shame. "He can't stop talking and he can't stop telling ponies what he really thinks of them..."
Spike nods his spiky head happily.
"Yeah? That's great! He can tell ponies all the stuff he's usually too shy to say!"
"Spike, no," Discord rebuts, sliding his digits across his face. "That's not great. Not great at all! What if you couldn't stop telling Rarity what you really felt about her?"
"It would make my life a heck of a lot easier," the dragon replies solemnly.
Discord facepalms yet again.
"Okay..." the dazed mixed matched creature says after a moment. "... what if you couldn't stop telling Twilight what you really thought about her, hmm? How about her of all ponies?"
"..."
Spike's face quickly pales to a ghostly white.
"O-oh..."
A smile finally returns to Discord's lips.
"Now you're getting it, kiddo."
"Y-yeah... but..."
"... But?" Discord questions confusedly.
"But... maybe that's still a good thing?" Spike answers slash asks shyly. He rubs a claw behind his head. "I mean, yeah there's some mean things I would probably say to her, for sure. I'll admit to that... but, maybe she needs to hear some of it. It would hurt for her to hear, yeah... but then she would return the favor and tell me things I don't want to hear either; stuff she's usually too afraid to say to me, thinking that it'll hurt my feelings. That way, once it's out of the way, we can both grow past our differences and become better people because of the experience..."
"..."
"..."
"... Now that's just silly," Discord replies bluntly.
Spike shrugs once more.
"Well... yeah, maybe... but it's my opinion and I'm gonna stick to it."
Discord shrugs back.
"Eh, suit yourself. But, anyways... I need your help, Spike."
"Oh... right," Spike replies. "You said something about needing a letter?"
"That's correct," Discord answers as he begins to pace back and forth. "We need to send a letter to Celestia right away. We need her to send us the Poison Joke antidote through you, so we can save Big Macintosh from himself as quickly as possible!"
"Whoa, Princess Celestia has the cure for Poison Joke?" Spike asks.
"Indeed," Discord nods his head. "She secretly keeps it quite close to her person wherever she goes, in case of Poison Joke emergencies. That is a fact I personally know is true."
Spike raises an eyebrow.
"That... sounds strangely familiar for some reason... Why does she keep it on her person though?"
Discord grins widely.
"Who do you think was the first Poison Joke victim, Spiky Boy?"
"..."
The dragon opens his mouth to ask a question.
"Pink fur and an unusual appetite," the spirit quickly answers, not waiting for the question.
Spike closes his mouth into an "oh" shape.
"Er... how do I work this thing?"
Having been interrupted from their conversation, Discord and Spike both turn towards the still very talkative Big Mac. "I've said what I wanted to say about my favorite, no good, caffeine pill addicted, left wing crazy, cousin..."
"Oh!" Discord smiles happily as he turns back to Spike. "One second."
Slithering through the air on this mismatched wings, the spirit of chaos lands next to the farmer and the mirror and places his claw upon the latter.
"Here's how this works, Mac; just think of a pony in your mind, anypony at all, and once you're done think the words 'next' and this baby will show you anyone in Equestria! See?"
With a bang of his paw, the enchanted reflection in the mirror swirls around and morphs into the image of a large pink stallion, then a small blue pegasus, and then an aging mule.
"You can use this to see, and then talk about, anypony or creature you could ever want to talk to! Is there an aunt you don't like? Just imagine her and she will appear! Don't like a Wonderbolt? Bring em on down and give him or her the one-side-iest argument ever! Heck, talk to those sneaky Flim Flam brothers why don't ya!" Discord then shivers. "They give even someone like me the creeps. They seem like the kind of fellows who would steal a dragon's egg just so they can use the poor thing like some kind of cog in one of their machines!
"Heck... again," Discord adds, striking the mirror one last time. "You can even rant about Celestia herself with this thing!"
The image in the mirror shifts and changes one more time into the very image of the Princess of the Sun. Big Macintosh begins to sweat profusely.
"Nope nope nope nope. Change it change it change it!"
Spike and Discord blink at this odd display.
Discord, with eyebrow raised, simply says "Do it yourself. I showed you how."
"Does it look like I can do that right now, ya damn chimera!" Big Mac snaps right back at him. "Does it look like I've been using mah head at all today?!"
"..."
A look of understanding dawns on Discord's face.
"Ooooohhhh... I suppose talking all the time would make it hard for a pony to think properly, wouldn't it?"
"You don't need to look much farther then a politician to know that that's true, buddy," states Big Mac flatly.
Spike snorts as Discord pulls out a drum set out of the aether and performs a perfect roll off of it.
Discord snorts as well once the drum set has disappeared. "J-joking aside..."
"I was being serious."
"How about I set this thing to 'shuffle' for you?" Discord finishes with a smile. The chaotic sprit snaps his fingers, causing a few stray sparks of magic to leak out onto the scroll covered floor. "There!" he chirps happily. "Now it'll just go to a random pony every few minutes, or you can skip a pony entirely by stomping your hoof."
Big Mac mumbles something unintelligent to himself as he stomps his hoof against the ground.
The noise echoes in to the room
The image of Celestia remains.
Blinking blankly, Discord snaps again. Big Mac stomps again.
The image of Celestia remains.
"Er..." Discord says to himself as he looks down at his claw. "Drat... it's on the fritz again... Think you can hold off on talking for a few minutes, my good stallion?"
"N-no..." Mac whimpers.
"Then Spike and I will leave the room. How about that?"
The red earth pony looks up at Discord for a moment before returning his attention to the mirror. "Y-yes... I'd like that... Thank you for your help."
Discord smiles.
"All in a day's work. Alrighty then," he starts proudly, snapping his sparking fingers at the companion behind him. "Come along, Spike! We've got a letter to write."
"Write... letter..."
With eyes closed, Discord nods his head at the tiny drake. "Yes yes, a letter must be written right away, my good boy!"
"Write... letter... now..."
"..."
Discord opens his eyes as he looks down at the suddenly very submissive dragon.
"... Were you always grey?"
"Write... letter..." mumbles a now very unfocused, grey scaled Spike. A quill and scroll are now standing by in his two outstretched claws as he awaits further instructions.
The spirit of chaos cringes at the sight of this as he looks down at his still sparking fingertips. "O-oopsie, didn't mean to do that at all..." Discord then slaps his claw across the back with his paw, shouting "No! No! That's a bad claw! Bad! We don't break people anymore! BAD!"
The claw lets out a low whimper, not unlike a scolded puppy dog, before it stops sparking all together and remains still. Discord sighs once it does, stretching the awol digits out passively.
"Stupid failing magic... I like chaos but only when it's my chaos..." He looks down at Spike yet again, lowering himself to his level. "Heeeeyyyy, sorry about this, buddy. I'll get you sorted out here in a jiffy... That's what a friend would do, right? Not take advantage of you when you would totally be up for doing the thing I want you to do without question or consent? Right? Right. Go me."
Discord places his claw on Spike's head.
Nothing happens.
"Write... letter..."
"..."
Discord taps his head again.
Still nothing.
"Write..."
"... Errr!"
Discord taps Spike again and again and again in rapid succession, getting quite frustrated.
"Write..."
"Urgh!" Discord screams out loud, somehow not distracting Big Macintosh from his current 'conversation' "Fine! Freaking fine!"
Lifting up a scruff of the fur on his arm, the spirit digs his paw inside of himself; reminiscent of a man searching inside of his shirt sleeve for something of value.
"I'll use the stupid manual for once! Sheesh! Happy?!"
Grumbling angrily to himself, Discord finally manages to yank out a very small tome from his 'sleeve', aptly titled "Phenomenal Cosmic Powers; Itty Bitty User Manual", and cracks it open.
"Let's see," Discord talks to himself, himself listening very intently. "Making an entrance... Hammerspace and you... Time Travel and how not to become your own grandfather again... Aha! Discording for fun and profit question mark question mark question mark!"
"... Dear... Princess Celestia..."
The sound of scribbling causes Discord's ears to swirl around on the spot, bringing his head back towards Spike's direction.
The drake is standing behind the unaware Big Mac...
... writing everything down.
Discord's eyes widen.
"Nope!" he screams. "Nope nope nope! Danger danger, Will Rob-, I mean Big Mac! Stop talking! Sto-"
Shhhhhhhhh...
Words die on Discord's lips as a noise distracts him. Lifting up his arm, the draconequus watches quietly as his outstretched claw slowly begins to fade away under a mysterious magenta light.
He brings his paw up, watching the process repeat here as well. His book slides out of his now non-existent grip and lands on the floor as he continues to fade away.
"U-uh oh," the spirit whimpers lowly. "B-but... b-b-but I don't want to go!"
In an explosion of light, Discord soon disappears completely from the face of the Friendship Death Castle...
_________
... only to then reappears in town square, landing unceremoniously on the dirty ground outside of a closed Sugarcube Corner.
An angry purple alicorn is glaring down at him with murderous intent clear in her twitching eyes.
"Discord..." Twilight 'greets' her friend in a voice more at home coming out of a demon's mouth then a pretty pony princess'.
"H-hello... friend?"
Twilight continues to glare.
Discord gulps.
".... Mommy..."