The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Hold Onto Your Hats

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A/N: Okay, I don't remember who requested this. But it was in the list of suggestions at one point.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Valve.
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Spellcasters and magicians take all shapes and sizes. Whether intimidating or goofy, conniving or incompetent, they always have at least one trick up their sleeve.

Oh, thanks for reminding me. I still have to send that apology gift basket to that magician's family.

Wait, what? Oh, right... the one that you mistook what he said as the killing curse.

How many "o"s are in "sorry"? Four, right?

Merasmus from Ghost Fort will be facing off against...

... the supposedly Great and Powerful Trixie. He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Merasmus
-Scottish wizard and a brewer of potions
-Claims to be six thousand years old
-The RED Soldier's old roommate
-Book of choice: Bombinomicon
-Teleports cheaply, repels all sticky bombs, sets enemies on fire, rolls bombs at enemies, can turn random enemies' heads into bombs, disguises himself as a random prop and slowly heals over time
-Wields a cane and wears a skull
-Residence: Ghost Fort

"Merasmus the wizard has come for your souls!"

According to the Team Fortress lore, Merasmus the Magician is a six thousand year old Scottish wizard and inventor of the Hat Tonic on August 21, 1861. He eventually moved to the Badlands in the early 1960s.

An adolescent Demoman did the normal thing for a child by going to a freaking wizard's castle for work. He foolishly looked at the pages of the Bombinomicon, forcing Merasmus to remove Demo's eye to save the kid's life. D**n, I guess he does have a reason to drink all that beer.

At one point, the Soldier had been rooming with Merasmus, before getting kicked out for being a nuisance.

Then, he somehow summoned Demoman's own haunted eye as an enemy to fight the RED team. Did this guy play too many Kirby games or something? Eyes don't make good enemies.

He was later framed by the Administrator's assistant for the murder of Sir Thomas John Woodward and falsely imprisoned.

Man, they sure gave him a lot of tattoos just for being in the slammer. Since the Soldier was the real killer, Merasmus wasn't too happy. Now he haunts the Ghost Fort to make Soldier and his fellow teammates suffer the humiliation of blowing up.

Merasmus utilizes the Bombinomicon in the form of pyrokinesis and bombs to roll at enemies. When he appears, enemies and sticky bombs are forced away from his position. Yet, the ground beneath him remains intact.

While Merasmus can strike enemies with his cane, he usually prefers to use teleportation for confusion and delay tactics. As soon as he teleports, some of the enemies that were nearby get their heads magically transformed into bombs with a set time until detonation.

It would be a rather horrifying end if not for the slight drawback. If the bomb head detonates right next to him, Merasmus gets temporarily stunned while the enemy returns to normal and gains invulnerability, increased agility, and a higher chance to deal critical damage.

When Merasmus gets weakened, he turns into a wuss that scrambles props around and becomes a random prop himself. Though, it's kind of funny when someone manages to hit the sucker and Mountain Dew spills out.

That's... not Mountain Dew. That's his blood.

Oh... my bad.

There's one other drawback to Merasmus's Prop Spell. Should any other prop besides himself get attacked, employees of RED or BLU can obtain special candy-filled pumpkins to boost their critical damage percentage.

What's this guy's big evil plan? Is he trying to fatten the Soldier up with candy or something?

Well, whenever he shows up, he makes all checkpoints uncapturable. So, there's that.

Oh, great. Another nuisance character. I'm just brimming with excitement.

It's just like with my/your ex-wife.

Hey, yeah. How'd you know that?

Lucky guess.

"Cower, fools! Merasmus is here!"

Trixie
-Unicorn
-Traveling performer magician
-Favorite attire: purple hat and cape decorated with star and moon pattern
-Spells: Levitation, non-lethal lightning (with "tickle" and "startle" settings), conjure bouquet
-Equipment: Smoke bombs, fireworks
-Has a giant ego
-Was claimed as Sethisto's property multiple times

"You'll never have the amazing, show-stopping ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

Trixie is the butthurt, traveling street-performer that likes shifting blame of her problems onto Twilight Sparkle. Passersby sprayed graffiti on your cart? Blame Twilight Sparkle. Audience threw tomatoes at you? Blame Twilight Sparkle. Got into a horrible wheel-related accident during your early childhood? Blame shiny vampires.

Uh... you okay, B?

*sigh* Yeah, I'm fine.

We could wait and do this some other time if you want.

No, no, go on ahead. At least if she dies, that'll be one less problem I have to worry about.

All... right. After losing herself to the Alicorn Amulet, Trixie performed an about-face and gained forgiveness for her tyrannical actions against Ponyville. Though, her ego still remained fully intact.

Her main tactic is fleeing under the cover of smoke bombs which are so weak and quick that she doesn't really hide her tracks at all. In an entrance, however, she tries to gain as much attention as possible through her fireworks. Her tricks usually consist of a rope and a bouquet of flowers.

Her magic is mostly for show. It consists of levitation, light bending, and non-lethal lightning which has the ability to either startle or tickle enemies depending on her focus.

"Oh, but what about age-spells and agonizing pain spells?" asked some inevitable comments. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but a lot of the most powerful spells she used required the Alicorn Amulet. Today, we're focusing on both combatants and their most common equipment. Trixie does not normally wear amulets and stuff.

She'd probably act too proudly to depend on it anyway, considering this is Trixie we're talking about.

Well, let's make her fight the fossil of a wizard.

"Don't you think the Great and Apologetic Trixie is the most magnificent, humble pony you've ever seen?"

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

A skull filled with green light appears on screen. The camera slowly pans out to reveal that this skull is actually the top of a large mountain. Various rocks and candles decorate the scenery. A circular checkpoint lights up in blue light. Right at the edge of the circle, a blue hoof stands.

The blue light immediately fades, however, as a new presence teleports in out of freaking nowhere. A cape flaps as the pony wearing it slides back. Meanwhile, a much darker cape hides most of the body of a floating newcomer. The only visible eye motion is the one in his skull cap.

"FIGHT!"

"Cower before Merasmus!" calls the floater with an echoing voice.

Trixie harrumphs. "The Great and Powerful Trixie cowers before no one!"

"Who dares stand against Merasmus the Wizard?!"

"You, a wizard? Hah! Trixie has more powerful magic than any pony else. Anything you can do, I can do better."

"Fool!" shouts Merasmus as he pulls out a book with a strange bulge with string on its cover. "Fear the power held within the Bombinomicon!"

A lighthearted voice emerges from the book itself. "Bombs away!"

Several lit-fused bombs rain from the sky all over the place. Trixie lets out a yelp and gallops around, trying to avoid getting flattened by death from above. The bombs start blowing up. Explosions fill the arena at scattered points.

Trixie's aura levitates her hat out of the way as she casts a separate spell. A small thunderhead pops up just in front of herself. Small lightning bolts snap out of the cloud and shove bombs out of her way just before they explode elsewhere. Unfortunately, this doesn't get all of them. Another bomb detonates right behind her tail and she's knocked clear off her hooves.

The bombs momentarily stop raining from the sky.

"Never challenge a true magician and his tricks!" calls out Merasmus. He teleports to the other side of the map.

Trixie manages to get back on her hooves, but there's a new problem. It's her own head. It's a lit bomb! Trixie's muffled scream can be heard as she panics and gallops around in circles before dashing to the right. Just as Merasmus reappears in the physical plane of existence, Trixie happens to run headfirst into him. An explosion fills the screen.

Merasmus leans over while standing on the ground. Stars spin around his head. Meanwhile, Trixie sits in one spot while rubbing her head. It seems to be back to its proper pony shape. But there's another turn of events. Our sound effects expert thinks that turning on an inappropriate invincibility theme from Super Mario Brothers is funny. Coincidentally, Trixie's entire hide is shining in a crystal-blue coloration.

While the unfitting little tune continues, Trixie growls a bit before activating her magic. A bouquet of flowers appears just above Merasmus's head. He soon finds himself on the receiving end of a repetitive smackdown by flowers of all things. After flinching a few times, he disappears again.

Several of the area's candlesticks take new positions. Some of the map's rocks change formation as well. Thankfully, the unfitting song stops and Trixie's original colors return to her. She looks around confused at the sudden change in scenery. She invigorates her thunderhead from before and strikes some of the candlesticks. While the inanimate objects don't act startled, they do break apart and reveal pumpkins that would never feasibly fit inside such thin figures of wax.

Trixie sniffs at one of the pumpkins suspiciously. She takes a cautious nibble at its contents. Before long, she's chowing down on the internal candy like crazy. The sound effects guy does it wrong again and plays the sound of collecting a Sonic ring. Feeling better than ever, Trixie's magic pulls forth her charmed rope and wraps it around another loose rock.

Upon being thrown, the rock actually lets out a scream of disdain. It cracks against another rock and reveals the skull-hatted wizard. Some green quickly flashes by his cane and he floats high up.

"If surrendering is what you will do never, then I command you to dance forever!"

A lightning bolt cracks in the background. Trixie's limbs suddenly lift up and move. The surprise in her eyes indicates that she is not intentionally jiving this way. Now the music guy follows the sound effects example and plays a zombie-themed song by a late pop artist.

Merasmus waves his staff and releases one more greenish stream of a spell. As Trixie's body continues to dance against her will, it suddenly ignites in orange and red flames all over. Her body starts moving extremely rapidly before falling to the ground in a charred mess.

"You have failed me!"

The sound effect of a booing audience plays simultaneously with a sorrowful piano tune. At least it fits this time.

Michael Bay would have been proud to direct such an explosive feature.

Trixie is resourceful when it comes to manipulating her foes' emotions. She can even counter other impressive show-offs with cleverly timed levitations.

But in the long term, stage magic is no substitute for years of magic specifically designed to murder people.

Even when Merasmus's foolish critical booster items gave Trixie a bit more to work with, she had nothing to prepare for his vastly superior magic arsenal. His cursed traps and pyrokinesis spelled out her end.

At least she went down in a blaze of Michael Jackson's glory.

The winner is Merasmus.

Next time on Death Battle...

The six must be used.

However, it's not the six that you're most likely thinking of.

Can a crisis be averted?

... or will one side be doomed to a lost world?

The darkness is rising and it makes a request.