“Platinum?! Pffft! More like fool's gold!” Trixie folded her forelimbs and frowned over the counter of her shack at the top of the quarry. “Where underneath Celestia's galloping green earth did you find these craggy salt licks?!”
“Uhm...” The stallion fidgeted in his canvas mining gear. Like everypony else, his face and mane were smudged all over in soot and dust “This was excavated from deep within Shaft Twelve,” he said. “Beta Branch.”
“Beta branch?! The Great and Powerful Trixie was told that that part of the dig was abandoned months ago!”
“I-I know. I... uh... w-went and dug there on my lunch break.”
“You did what?!” Trixie leaned back with a flounce of her starry cloak. “Egads! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie is stupefied by the magnificent idiocy of you meat-headed rock farmers!” She leaned forward, squinting. “Does your overseer know that you've been wandering off to excavate your own useless pebbles for useless reasons?!”
“I-I thought that I might strike rich!”
“You're lucky you didn't start a cave-in!” Trixie thundered. “That part of the mine is sectioned off for a reason!”
“Look, lady!” barked a voice towards the back of the line. “Are you gonna spend the whole afternoon biting the punk's head off?! Sort his rocks, already!” Several other Dredgemaners cheered in agreement.
Trixie hollered back. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will bite off the head of anypony she chooses! Besides, the plebeian equines of this town wouldn't know cranial delicacies if they fountained up out of the earth like volcanic ooze and burned them!” She switched her glare back to the stallion in front of her. “You want these rocks sorted? Fine!” Her horn flickered as she spun all three of them in a circle as if inside an invisible centrifuge. “Hmmmmm... yes.... yesssss, interesting.”
The stallion leaned forward, eyes wide. “Are th-they worth anything?”
“Quiet, peasant!” Trixie hollered. “Can't you see that the Great and Powerful Trixie is analyzing?!” She licked her lips, eyes squinting. At last. “Hmmm! Just as I thought!”
“Wh-What?!” The stallion blinked wide. “Gold? Silver?”
Pl-Plunk! She dropped them back into his bucket. “Crystalline draconian fecal matter.”
“Is... th-that valuable?”
“It's dragon poop, you soot-sucking baffoon!” Trixie spat. “Now be gone with you, before you smell up The Great and Powerful Trixie's mane!”
The stallion sighed, shuffling off with the rattling bucket on his flank.
“And next time—” Trixie hollered after him. “—you'd better not even think of bringing a plank of hardened sea serpent urine! You've tested the Great and Powerful Trixie's patience enough as it is!” Groaning, she ran a hoof over her muzzle. “This business is going to be the end of Trixie. I just know it.” She gulped. “NEXT!”
A dull pair of eyes slid into place like a ghost's. “Trixie,” Maud droned. “Good afternoon.”
“Mrmmmfff...” Trixie was still rubbing her face. “That's your opinion, Maud,” she grumbled. “Let me guess. Sladeburn wants another structural analysis spell? Tell him I left my miner's helmet at the cleaners.”
“No, Trixie.” Maud shook her head. “We have a rock. A rock that needs to be sorted.”
“No. Really?” Trixie gave a bitter smirk. “Could it be a rock that you—oh, I dunno—dug up out of the earth? Wow, it's almost as if the sign here reads 'Great and Powerful Trixie's Rock Sorting.'” She gasped suddenly. “Did you also know that the sky is gray and rain falls down?!”
“It is a very strange rock,” Maud said while the ponies behind her shifted impatiently. “A rock that I haven't seen before.”
“Oh, please!” Trixie waved a hoof while rolling her eyes towards the overcast sky. “Trixie knows who she's talking to! The day you see a rock you can't recognize is the day the world gets overrun by changelings!”
“I'm serious,” Maud droned.
Trixie looked at her—then did a double-take. She blinked. “Oh my. You are serious, are you?” Clearing her throat, she nevertheless turned her blue nose up. “Very well! Show the Great and Powerful Trixie your rock so we can get this over with!”
“It's not my rock.”
“Okay... then whose in Luna's name is it?!”
Maud stepped aside, pointing at a grimacing pegasus in a turquoise prom suit. “It's hers.”
“Whose?” Trixie craned her neck, eyes squinting. “Some mare behind the stallion in the ugly suit?”
“Hey!” Rainbow snarled, pointing at herself. “I'm the stallion in the ugly suit!” Her eyes crossed. “Er... I-I mean...”
“Pffft! You?!” Trixie blinked. “Wait...” She fiddled with her cloak, squinting at Rainbow from an angle. “That cracking voice... that blue coat... those colorful hairs...”
“Ahhhhhh jeez,” Rainbow groaned.
Maud glanced at her. “What is it?”
“She recognizes me—”
“I just remembered, the Great and Powerful Trixie needs to drop by the store on the way home.” The unicorn grinned wickedly. “Heaven forbid that Trixie should run out of fruity cereal.”
“Oh, for Pete's sake!” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings, glaring in Trixie's face. “Don't friggin' tell me you don't remember!”
“Remember what?!”
“Your trip to Ponyville! Your stupid boasting! The Ursa Major and Twilight Sparkle totally owning you!”
Trixie's pupils shrank to pinpricks. “You... it... but... h-how?!”
“Don't try to deny it, Trixie!” Rainbow hollered. “Just what brought you to a dump like this, anyway?! Are you so washed up that you've settled for the bed of a dead lake?!”
“Trixie, I do believe that this pegasus is somehow acquainted with you,” Maud droned.
“She's come here to heckle the Great and Powerful Trixie over her past life!” Trixie sniffled, eyes starry. “Her... glorious and magical past life!” Her grinding teeth produced sparks. “Well, Trixie will have none of it! Begone with you—!”
WHUMP! Rainbow slapped her saddlebag onto the table. “Not until you tell me where I can find more of this kind of rock, Miss Sorter!”
“If you think that the Great and Powerful Trixie is going to do cartwheels for you after bringing up a tragic debacle such as Ponyville, then you've got another thing c—”
“The sooner you do it, the quicker I'll be out of your stupid snow-colored hair!”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie's mane is not snow-colored!” She upturned her nose. “It's alabaster flax.”
“Trixie,” Maud murmured. “The rocks.”
“What about them?!”
“Sort them or you'll be walking home with your eyeballs replaced!” Rainbow sputtered.
“Fine!” Trixie snorted. “But only because Maud insists.” She reached for the saddlebag's flap—
“Nope.” Rainbow slapped her hoof. “Without opening the bag.”
“Without opening it?!” Trixie sputtered. “You won't let me even see the rocks?!”
“Yeah. They're that rare.”
“Then how is the Great and Powerful Trixie supposed to analyze them?!”
“Jee, I dunno! How about using that Great and Powerful letter opener on your skull?!”
“Hmmmph!” Trixie folded her forelimbs, levitating the bag in a glittery cloud of blue magic. “This is the kind of thanks that Trixie gets for her loyal service in this crummy town... a broken-down shack and the third degree from a squirrel-voiced tomcolt in a monkey suit.”
“I heard that!”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie knows you did.” Soon after, Trixie's forehead tensed. “Hmmmm...” She rotated the bag around in her magic. “Interesting... the shape... the construct...” Beads of sweat formed. “Something... like an enchantment? From deep within...”
“Enchanted rocks?” Maud took three and a half seconds to blink. “I find myself incredibly intrigued.”
“Nothing to write home about yet,” Trixie murmured. “There's something about the substance. I c-can't quite put my hoof on it. If I could just... trace the leylines... and... and...” Suddenly, she jolted. “Eeeeugh!” Her eyes flickered red-on-yellow. The unicorn's mane fanned out, then fell down as sparks appeared above her horn. “Duaaaaaaaaaah...” She fell back in her chair, legs sticking up like a pale blue cockroach's. THUD!
“... ... ...” Rainbow Dash blinked down at her. “... ... ...huh.”
“Trixie?” Maud looked over the counter.
Several stallions in line craned their heads to see.
“Okaaaaaaaaaaaay...” Rainbow Dash picked the saddlebag back up and slid it over her flanks. “Whelp, that was strangely cathartic. Now, back to finding a pony who can help me with my rocks—”
“Trixie is not well,” Maud said. “Help me get her back home so she can rest.”
“Huh?!” Rainbow Dash gave her a double-take. “You've gotta be kidding me!” She pointed at the stiff-as-a-board mare. “Help her?!”
“Yes,” Maud said. “Her home isn't that far from here.”
“She should live in a padded cell, considering what she almost did to Ponyville and how she went about doing it!” Rainbow spat. “You can stuff her and hang her above the mantle, for all I care!”
“She isn't moving.”
“She's got a dumb smile on her face!”
“Trixie doesn't smile.”
“Yeah... well...” Rainbow sighed. “You've got a point there.”
“H-hey!” Several stallions grunted angrily from where they stood in line. “What gives?!
“Yeah! We've been waiting for over twenty minutes!”
“Can you carry her?” Maud asked.
“Nnnngh... fine.” Rainbow heaved the stiff unicorn over her flank. “Uhh... sorry, dudes!” she shouted at the group. “Looks like the Sorting Shop is closed for now! You should... uh... get yourselves a hat for that! Like, seriously!”
“What?!”
“Oh come on!”
“You can't be serious?!”
“What about our rocks?!”
“Look...” Rainbow turned, frowning. “The mare's kaput. Can't you see?! Shop's closed! You want rocks? Walk ten feet in any direction and swing a dead cat.”
“We're not leaving until we get our rocks sorted!”
“Yeah!”
“She owes us!”
“Dang it, there's nothing I can do!” Rainbow grunted. “You have to go somewhere else—”
“We want our rocks sorted now!”
“Right now!”
“No more waiting! No more bulls—”
Maud calmly trotted in a straight line, stood still, and slammed a hoof down.
THUDDDDDDDD!!!
Cracks and fissures formed in the earth, crumbling chunks of rocks off into the quarry below. Workers scurried about, looking over in fear. The stallions who were standing in line gasped and backtrotted swiftly from the sudden crevices forming beneath them.
“... ... ...” Rainbow blinked, then gawked at Maud.
“Thank you for your cooperation,” Maud droned, then turned away from the stallions. “Let's go.”
“Oh... uh...” Rainbow nodded, heaving Trixie over her shoulder. “After you!”
“That was close,” Maud muttered. “I almost got angry. I don't know how ponies like you keep a straight face the entire time.”
“Oh... well... y'know...” Rainbow shrugged, shivering slightly. “'The Great Stoneface!' Uhhhh... th-that's what they used to call me! Yup!”
“That's absolutely fascinating...”
“Or... y'know...” Rainbow sighed. “Just 'The Great Stoned.'”