I don’t know what to do anymore… It’s been a week… And tomorrow is the day… Every day, it feels the same. I have no energy… I almost never go outside except to feed my little friends. But even then… It always feels like a struggle. But at least they understand. All my little friends really miss him… James… I wish you were still here.
I still remember it like it happened yesterday… I tried so hard to resist Discord. I really did… I could’ve tried harder. I could’ve held onto myself. But I didn’t. I told James to hurt himself… Why did I do that? Why did I feel so…satisfied when he punched himself in the face? And I… I kicked him in the face… I’m a horrible girlfriend…. I’m a monster… And now he’s dead…all because of me…
I never talk to anypony anymore. Even Scootaloo. I know she lives in my house and she’s probably my responsibility, but… I have no drive anymore… I wish I had more of a will to do something. But…I see him in my dreams every night… I can’t forget. I can’t let go. I killed my boyfriend… I’m a monster… I shouldn’t let myself rub off on a child…
I’ve been feeling so sick… Maybe I’m malnourished. I know I probably deserve it, but… It still doesn’t feel good. I would’ve just stayed home in bed if Angel hadn’t come to me in the bathroom after I… Well…threw up.
“But… I know it might be serious, but I… All right, I guess I should. I’ll go to the hospital and see if they can find anything wrong. Please watch the place while I’m gone, Angel.” He was really worried. He tries to be strict with me to make sure I do what needs to be done. If it weren’t for him, I probably would’ve lost all our little friends because I probably would’ve stopped feeding them.
I felt so sluggish while I walked through town. I didn’t even notice anypony around me. Like something was pulling me along on a string and I was just following. But somewhere along the way, I thought I heard something. It wasn’t until somepony touched my shoulder that I noticed who was right next to me. “Fluttershy? I haven’t seen ya all week. Y’all doin’ all right?”
It was Applejack. It looked like her black eye had healed nicely. And she was looking very worried. I looked at her and tried to smile, but couldn’t. “Hello, Applejack… I’m… I don’t know…”
“Girl… You look awful. Where are ya headin’? If ya want, I can give ya a lift. I got enough free time.” I’m glad she was being so supportive. Applejack has always been so dependable. I don’t know what we would do without her.
“I… Well… All right. I need to get to the hospital. I haven’t been feeling…well?!” just as I was about to finish what I was saying, Applejack slipped under me and lifted me onto her back.
“Say no more, Fluttershy. I’ll getcha there in a jiffy.” And we were off. She ran through town while I held on tight. “Ya know, I reckon y’all just aren’t feelin’ yerself because ya haven’t been eatin’ right. I know yer depressed. Hay, we all are. But ya still gotta take care of yourself.”
“I’ll try…” She was right. I’ve hardly eaten anything since coming home. I know I should, but…I never feel hungry anymore. I’m just too sad to want to eat all the time…
With Applejack carrying me, it didn’t take long for us to reach Ponyville Hospital. She set me down on one of the cushions just inside the door and went over to the receptionist’s desk. “Howdy, nurse. Fluttershy here’s not feelin’ too well. Ya got room for an unscheduled checkup?”
I could tell she was trying to put on a friendly face to avoid making the situation awkward. But…I could still see it. She was not happy either. The nurse seemed to look through something before looking back at Applejack and me. “Well… Yes, it seems we have a spot open right now.” I think she pressed a button or something out of sight. “Nurse Redheart to the lobby. You have a surprise patient.”
Nurse Redheart is the doctor I always see whenever I have a checkup. Applejack then took a seat next to me on another cushion. “Ya want me ta stay until yer done? I’ve still got some time.”
“I’d appreciate that…” I really didn’t feel like talking much… Fortunately, Nurse Redheart came out into the lobby before I had to say much of anything else.
“Miss Fluttershy? You needed to see me?” She must’ve noticed there was something wrong with me right away. Then again, I wasn’t really trying to hide my depression.
Applejack spoke for me. “She is, doc. Fluttershy’s feelin’ mighty outta things. She might have something bad.”
“All right. Please come with me and we’ll get startle.” I stood up and followed after the nurse while Applejack stayed behind. I was hoping that whatever was wrong with me would be easy to fix. Maybe just the early stages of the flu or something…
Once I was in the office, Nurse Redheart gave me a thermometer to check my temperature. “So… How have you been, Fluttershy?”
“I don’t know… Just…depressed. Empty…” It wasn’t hard talking with a thermometer in my mouth. And I was just being honest…
She knew what was wrong. I know because I’m sure she was given an invitation to…his funeral tomorrow. “I know… You had a real sweetheart of a boyfriend, Fluttershy. I’m terribly sorry for everything you’ve gone through…” She then took the thermometer away and checked it. “Well, your temperature is normal. What kind of symptoms have you been experiencing lately?”
I had to stop a minute to think. “Um… Some occasional queasiness… Loss of appetite… Lack of energy… And sometimes vomiting…”
“Hmm… Well, those could point to a number of things. I think you may be malnourished due to your loss of appetite, but that’s normal for those suffering from depression.” She looked through something on a clipboard for a moment before looking back at me. “I’ll just run a few tests to see what I can find.”
Um… I don’t know how to describe all the stuff she did. Some of it is kind of embarrassing. I know about how to patch up injuries and know how to find out what someone is sick with if it isn’t too complicated, but I’m not a certified nurse. But after leaving the room for a while, Nurse Redheart came back. And I knew by that forlorn look in her eyes that she had some bad news. “Um… Is it bad?”
She sighed before looking over the papers attached to her clipboard. “Well… I have some good and bad news. The good news is that… Well, it seems your physical health is mostly normal. It seems you are dehydrated and lacking in some nutrition though. I advise increasing your food and water intake to fix that.”
“Oh… Well, I’ll try to eat at least two meals a day to help with that. And the bad news?” I couldn’t even guess what it could be. My life was already hard enough by that point. Living with the knowledge that I…basically murdered the love of my life… What could be worse than that?
Nurse Redheart hesitated. I was a bit scared then. Did I have cancer? Finally, she looked at me and frowned. “Well… I would say congratulations, but…I suppose this isn’t a good time to say that.”
Congratulations? On what? I tried to think over what that could mean… Wait… Isn’t that something most ponies say when… No… No, it couldn’t be… “Wait… You don’t mean…?!”
She silently passed me the clipboard. I looked through the list of things it said. One of the tests she had me take was…a pregnancy test. And…it was positive. I almost fainted. I nearly fell off the table. My heat cycle started up again just a few days before Discord… No… Not now… If things were different, then maybe… But…not now… Not without him…!
I felt the nurse place her hoof on my shoulder. I could hardly see her. The tears were coming again. “I’m sorry… I know you and James had been considering starting a family in a few years. I’m… I wish there was something I could say.”
Everything after that felt like a blur. I don’t know what happened next in the hospital. I don’t know what happened with Applejack. The entire day felt like it didn’t even happen. Even as I lie here in bed, I’m still not sure if everything that happened today even happened… But…I know it happened. I know what Nurse Redheart showed me. I know that…in my belly…his child is growing.
I placed my hoof on my belly. I couldn’t feel anything different. But I knew. I know it’s in there. My… Our foal. But now…he’ll never know. I always thought that because our genes are so different, the chances of conception would always be low… I’ve already gone into heat twice before and nothing happened from it. And we could never use contraception because…Equestria doesn’t make any for humans.
I don’t know what to do… We both wanted a child someday… And now it’s happening. But…Daddy isn’t here anymore. Our child will never know its father. And Mommy was the one who…broke his heart and…killed him…
James… I can’t do this without you… I’m not ready… If you were here, I’m sure we could make this work… But… What have I done…?! You’re gone and it’s all my fault! I love you… I love you so much, I can’t describe it… I should’ve never written that love letter so long ago! I should’ve known better than to think I was right for you… I should’ve kept my distance…watching you from afar… Never letting you know how much you drew me to you with your genuine sweetness and gentle touch… I thought you… I thought you were the only man I could give my heart to…and you were. But I…smashed your heart and…
I can’t forgive myself… I’ll never be able to forgive myself now… James, you’re going to be a daddy… And our baby will never know what a wonderful man you were… And it’s all my fault…
It’s going to be a long time before that day comes. I still have eleven months. But… What am I going to do? How will I tell the others? What… I… James… Please, come back… I love you… Please forgive me…. I want you home… I want you to be there when the baby comes… Please… Please, come home…