Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch


Things that do not Exist; Of Zebras it Consists

With a painful screech that only a tear in the fabric of reality can create, a deep blue rift formed in the center of Ponyville. Through it stepped a horror that the planet had hoped upon hope had gone away forever: A depraved mind that should never have existed and yet trod among the mortals. Twilight Sparkle, Pony Princess.


“What a relaxing vacation!” Twilight smiled with a pure joy that she usually reserved for seeing others in agony. “All the same, it’s good to be back!”

A hoof of the same moody blue as the portal emerged into the physical realm, and then the regal body it was attached to. Luna was a bit dazed by the shift between worlds, but seeing her grinning wife sobered her up very quickly.

“It could have gone better.” Luna sighed.

“My love, I know every possible outcome of every possible reality; It literally could not have gone any better.” Twilight giggled. “That was the best of all possible vacations!”


A purple claw pushed out of the rift and clutched desperately at the dusty ground. Spike struggled with all his might to pull his self away from the otherworldly terrors that grabbed at him, but with a crisp pop he cleared the portal. “Urg…” He gurgled, facedown in the dirt.

“So nice of you to join us Spike.” Twilight’s smile tightened. “You forgot our luggage.”


As if on cue, a morbid tangle of eldritch tentacles pushed out from the rift, bearing a matching set of travel size suitcases. They took a last, wistful swipe at Spike before withdrawing into the otherrealm.

Twilight bowed towards the rift. “Thank you, cousin ShubNig-”

A blare of calamitous trumpets announced the instantaneous closing of the rift.

Twilight frowned thinly. “Well, fine then. Come Luna!” She turned gracefully and trotted towards town. “My bedroom awaits!”

“Yes, dear.” Luna sighed.


They made their way through Ponyville, winding their way towards Twilight’s library. Luna, not being so completely apathetic to everything as her bride was, noticed how quiet it was in the village. There were no ponies to be seen, and all activities seemed to have been dropped mid-task.

“Is not this hamlet more lively than this?” She asked.

“Hmm?” Twilight looked back at her. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m pretty sure this is the right dimension, so everypony should still be alive.”

“You don’t sound very confident.” Luna groaned. “Twilight, dear, what did you do?”

“No no, I’m like, eighty-eight percent sure that everypony is still alive.” Twilight quickly mollified. “Well, seventy-eight.”

Luna rolled her eyes and continued past her to the library.

“Geeze, someone can’t take a joke.” Twilight muttered under her breath.



“Psst! Spike! Over here!” Her ears twitched towards somepony’s loud and fairly obvious whispers. “Hurry! Before they get you!”

Twilight could see Spike, who was struggling under the weight of her luggage, glance panickedly around for the source of the voice. He finally saw a waving pink leg beckoning him towards the village bakery.

“Luna, humor me for a second.” She said, cantering after Spike.

“Yes, dear.” Luna sighed, following at as great a distance as she could manage. She was secretly pleased this and any distraction that meant avoiding Twilight’s bedroom and the existential terror she would no doubt experience there.


Spike darted through the bakery door just as it was slammed closed. Twilight somehow found the curtesy within her to knock. “Hey! What are you idiots doing in there? Open up!””

“Uhh. Password?” Came a fearful fillies voice in reply.

“Merciless holocaust.” Twilight deadpanned.


“Fair point.” The filly behind the door squeaked. The bolt slid back and the door creaked open. “Sorry Princess.”

There were six ponies cowering in the darkened bakery, alternating between hiding and glancing over the window sill at the empty village square. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack’s younger sister were all there, plus Spike who was equally as confused as Twilight.

“What in the orange hell is going on here?”

“Oh, hello Princess Twilight.” Rarity sighed. There seemed to be a lot of that going around. “I’m afraid you’ve caught Ponyville at it’s darkest hour, when the resolve of all true ponies is tested.”

“Oh come on, I wasn’t gone that long.” Twilight scowled.

“No, she means the freaky striped thing that’s haunting our streets!” Pinkie Pie contributed.


“What, pray tell, is the purpose of this gathering?” Luna arrived in the bakery. She looked from pony to pony and frowned depressedly. “Ah, the Elements of Harmony are all here. Is this a ambush?”

“Yes! A HUG AMBUSH!” Pinkie launched herself at Luna, hooves wide open for maximum embracing potential. Luna screamed in fear and swatted Pinkie out of the air with her magic.

“Pinkie! Don’t trigger my waifu!” Twilight lambasted the pink mare, who had rolled to stop some feet away, twitching in misery. “Goodness knows she doesn’t need more PTSD.”

Luna was hyperventilating, eyes darting between Pinkie and the other ponies. “M- My deepest apologies, my subjects. I am… on edge.”

“Don’t you worry about it.” Applejack consoled. “Pinkie gets killed ‘bout twice a week anyway.”

“If you need therapy, I know a good doctor.” Fluttershy contributed softly. “But um… What are you doing here?”

“I too am curious as to your presence here.” Rarity spoke up. “Twilight isn’t… forcing you, is she?”

“N- No.” Luna sweated under the ponies’ curious looks and Twilight’s imposing glower. “Celestia released me to my, um, beloved’s care for a second honeymoon.”

“It was a lovely time!” Twilight nuzzled Luna’s neck, causing the moon princess to shiver in discomfort. “We toured all around the -n Dimensions, visiting all my extended family in the boundless netherrealms. We saw all the wonderful rainbow blasphemies of the deamonic other, and in inconceivable madness of heat and sound I etched a litany of love for my cherished wife.” She smiled sweetly, raising the bile of all around her.

“And I got sacrificed to the blind idiot god!” Spike whined. “Twice!”

“Oh shut up.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You can’t expect to vacation in the -n Dimensions without offering up a few living sacrifices. Besides I can’t keep you dead for long, so why are you complaining?”



“But why, I ask, are you ponies gathered here?” Luna was slightly more focused on the current issue. “Is the fear of our heretical mode of transportation that has put fear in your hearts, little ponies?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “No, it’s weirder.”

“Don’t worry about them.” Twilight said. ”These bumpkins are scared of a stripped thing they saw. It’s probably an okapi.”


“Nah, it ain’t an okapi. It’s black and white, with not a spot a orange.” Applejack corrected. Seeing that everypony was bewildered by her sudden show of knowledgeability, she clarified. “I met a okapi exchange student in Manehattan one time.”

“Black and white, and striped? It sounds you’re describing a-” Twilight paused, and after a moment of internal deliberation, shook her head. “You know what, all of you should just ignore whatever nameless creature wandered into your midst and go on with your lives.”

“But it’s scary!” Pinkie Pie complained from her new home on the floor, spitting up blood with each word.

“I don’t care. You go out and pretend nothing wrong, or else!” Twilight threatened. She trotted to the door. “Onward Luna! My bedroom can only be put off for so long!”

“Yes, dear.” Luna hung her head, trudging behind her wife to the library.



----

The next day.


Twilight emerged from her library into the smiling sunshine, which shined a little dimmer upon seeing her. She pulled a bedraggled and tired Luna behind her, who still clung desperately to her pillow as if it could protect her from the lavender alicorn.

“Come on, Luna my dearest! We have a full day ahead of us!” Twilight sing-songed. “I have you for the next three days, and I’m going to make use of every second of it!”

They staggered into the town square. It was as quiet as the grave, quieter even, if Twilight was anywhere near said grave. The usual suspects were standing in the center by the fountain, facing off against a black and white striped ungulate.


“Hark! A zebra!” Her sleepy reluctance forgotten, Luna jumped towards the exotic visitor. “It has been an age since I have seen any of their kind.”

“Zebras don’t exist.” Twilight said simply.

“Twilight, nopony else seem to have gotten the message about going about our normal routines.” Rarity waved around the empty square. “As such, we have decided to take the law into our own hooves and drive out the invader.

“Nice try girls, but you can’t get rid of me that easily.” Twilight smirked.

“They refer to the zebra.” Luna clarified.

“Zebras don’t exist.” Twilight repeated.

“At least not in Ponyville after we chase out this varmint!” Applejack regarded the mystery creature with pure disgust, which was returned with lidded apathy.


Applebloom and Spike separated from the mob and scampered over to Twilight. “You have to stop them or they’ll kill her!”

“I can not in good conscious stop a lynch mob from pursuing an imaginary creature.” Twilight said. “Unless, of course, my dear wife asks me to.”

“Twilight, stop this impending hate crime.” Luna urged.

“Oh, fine!” Twilight sighed. She pushed past Rarity and Rainbow Dash to face the striped creature face-to-face. “Explain yourself, not-zebra!”

The black and white ungulate stared, unblinkingly, back at Twilight.

“See? No whimsical rhyming. It must not be a zebra!” Twilight declared. “Everypony disperse. Now!”



And so, the poetic limitations of the author meant that Zecora would never show up again. The End.