Rain, I hate the rain. This is what I thought as I stood under the bus stop alcove as a downpour raged outside my small shelter. I’m sure many don’t mind it; after all it is extremely important to the cycle of nature in our world. However, my experience rain has been one of pure malice. You know that saying “He’s having a bad day, I can tell because of that little raincloud over his head”? With my life that phrase is literal. Every time I’ve ever had something bad happen to me rain will almost certainly follow. When I was twelve I got beat up by the school gang as it then began to pour. When my first girlfriend dumped me for one of the football team members it started showering. When I crashed on my motorcycle, flew 30 feet through the air, smashed into a telephone pole… then came the precipitation.
Today was, of course, no exception to this constant occurrence in my life. I had only been at work no more than an hour before my boss asked to see me in the back of the store. It had been decided that since the store wasn’t selling as much lately they needed to “Trim the fat” so to speak to remain in the black. One can guess who was lucky enough to be considered extra carbohydrates at that point. Well I’ll give you a hint brain, as soon as he left that store, it began to downpour immediately. If you guessed me, congratulations, we’ve won an extremely soaked uniform, broken pride, and the knowledge that the nearest bus stop is over a mile away.
So here I stand, soaked, despondent, and otherwise bored as it rains around me waiting for the bus. “Well,” I think to myself, “I still have my other job so it isn’t the end of the world at least. I’m sure I can get a few extra hours in today even. So it really can’t get that bad unless-“. It was at this point the bus interrupted me, roaring right past me, and driving through a huge puddle which splashed on me like I just got hit by a localized tsunami. I really, REALLY have to learn to stop jinxing myself. So here I stand AGAIN, more soaked, more despondent, and now aggravated on top of being bored. I looked to my left at the nearby bus schedule for the time that the next bus would pass by. Turns out to not be for another hour.
Sighing I turn back to staring blankly across the road to the storm that raged outside. That’s when a store I had passed by frequently on my way to my no longer existent job caught my eye. Angie’s Antiques and Assortments Adobe. Nice alliteration I thought. I don’t quite know why the store caught my interest. Maybe it was the neon sign, maybe it was that I have a soft spot for antiques, or more likely it was that a warm open store was sounding very inviting in lieu of waiting out here for another hour in Poseidon’s’ wrath. I decided that being wet and cold did not suit my style, and sprinted out from under my shelter across the road to antiques shop.
When I opened the door the smell of old wood and furniture hit my nose, and a bell rang signaling my entrance. The store was filled with mirrors, desks, tables, dressers and all assortments of wooden furniture that were arranged around in such a way that if I was shorter this place would be a maze. From the back I could hear some shuffling and the sound of moving heavy objects.
“Welcome!” called out a woman’s voice “If ya’ need any help, let me know.”
“Just browsing.” I answered. I looked over the mounds of dressers to see if I could find the source of the voice, but to no avail. I began to wander the makeshift isles of wood and examined the desks, many had scuff marks and ink stains of previous use. Though I had no need for more furniture in my small apartment I still liked to look at old woodwork like this. I guess I could chock it up to my geekieness. I had always been fascinated by medieval fantasy, old swords and sorcery tales, and old antiques always made me think of wizards. Wizards surrounds by scrolls of ancient magical knowledge as they pursued to bend the boundaries of the impossible and arcane. And these wizards would sit hunched over an old wooden desk as they wrote their theorems on breaking the laws of reality with their magic. And maybe these wizards would create a spell to destroy rainclouds…
My mind snapped back to reality as I found that I had moved to a much deeper part of the store. Me thinking about wizards always did cause me to stroll around unawares, much to my embarrassment sometimes. I looked around to find I was surrounded by a large assortment of mirrors, ranging from small desk mirrors and table mirrors, to large stand up and full body mirrors. And in each one, this soaking wet idiot was staring at me with this dumb look on his face. Ah, self-depreciating humor, you strike yet again. However one of these mirrors caught my attention. It was one of the large full body mirrors standing over my head at could be 7 and a half feet, the glass looked worn and scared from time, but it was the frame that intrigued me. The wood was a dark oak that was in such a pristine condition it sharply contrasted to the glass it held. Figures were carved from the wood from almost every fantasy fiction I could think of. Minotaur, hydras, orcs, griffons, pegasi, unicorns, and dragons adorned the frame in a loop around the glass like they were all walking in one large circular parade of fantasy. And at the top center of the mirror was a symbol, 5 crystals surrounding one crystal in the center with a circle as the base.
If ever there was a mirror that fit the fantasy geek in me perfectly it was this. I stood there for who knows how long just looking at the detail etched into the wooden creatures on the frame. Whoever created this was an artist who had extreme talent, not only did the details look good, but in some odd way they felt, right. I was now thoroughly impressed by this work of art that I knew I had to have it. I looked to the side and grabbed its price tag. 600 dollars. I was now thoroughly depressed by this work of art that I knew I had to have, but couldn’t afford. “Oh life, why must you tease me so?” I wondered. I reached out my hand to the wooden frame just to feel this want of mine which I would never have only to have my foot slip on the puddle which I had created from standing still for so long. I lurched forward and grabbed both sides of the mirror to brace myself and my face stopped only inches from the glass. I stood there tensed up for a few seconds while the adrenaline from the sudden fall ran through my body. “Good going man, you almost ended up with a face full of broken shiny acne”, I chastised myself.
Slowly I backed up from my close encounter of the glass kind and my hand brushed up against something on the back of the mirror. There was a small click that came from it and I noticed that the symbol that was on top of the mirror had shifted. “Oh great”, I thought “I’d better fix that before someone notices and I’m settled with a mirror I can NOT afford.” I reached up to adjust the symbol but it was just out of my reach. I stretched my arms and legs to reach but it was still just an inch short. Then standing on my tiptoes I reached out with my hand to move the symbol, the tips of my fingers were able to touch the edge of it, and I flicked it with my finger tips to move it back. Slowly the symbol rotated around back into its original position with each flick until when I flicked it one last time and it synced up with the outlines of where it had been perfectly. That is when I head yet another click and it was at this point I wondered what that clicking was. Unfortunately life decided to answer my query with a blinding light to the face from the mirror. Instinctively I pulled down my arms to shield my eyes and tried to back up, only for me to slip yet again on the very same puddle I had slipped on before. While falling straight forward my mind raced with a few thoughts. “Oh well, maybe the damage to your face won’t be so bad. And even if it is we could probably get a new job as a freak act at the circus. Come one come all see the man whose face glitters like a chandelier!” But before I could contemplate my future as a carnie further, my descent forward continued, right through the glass, and continued.
I continued to fall forward, my body flipping head over heels in a slow spinning fashion. My mind at this was blank, after all, the logical progress of events had been broken. I slip, I fall, I crash into mirror, I get radical facial surgery via blunt force to shattered glass, had now become I slip, I fall, and I continue to fall through nothing. And by that I mean literally nothing. I could only see blackness, I felt not rush of wind past my face and body, nor did I hear it. The only thing I could feel was the momentum of what I assumed was down as my body flipped through this nothingness. This of course caused me to panic, it’s not every day you fall and continue to fall yet you show none of the sings of said falling. Of course my brain made the conclusion that from falling usually came landing, and if I was falling for this long the landing would have to hurt. And to affirm my guess came another blinding light, followed by the feeling of me flying forward and crashing right into something very hard. Now after experiencing probably the most disorienting fall of my life and being thrown into a hard stop I expressed my surprise to the situation in to most eloquent way possible.
“Owwwwwwwww.”
Truly, a quote for the ages. I opened my eyes to view the damage, and the damage appeared to be that everything was stuck to the ceiling. Or after a second of adjusting to my new position it actually was that I was upside down in a pile of furniture. In front of me was the mirror I thought I’d fallen into, except it had no signs that I had. I was utterly confused at this point, how did I fall forwards, yet wind up behind where I was, and furthermore how did I wind up upside-down at the same time. Either I blacked out when I fell, or I’m the most amazingly uncoordinated man to ever walk the earth.
“Are you alright back there?” came a woman’s voice from another part of the store. I was still stunned from my amazing feat of defying physics that it took me a few seconds to respond.
“Yeah!”, I answered finally “I’m fine, just slipped a little.” I shifted my body and flopped to the floor.
“A little?” the voice retorted with a little bit of a scoff “It sounded like you ran face first into a wall!” As the voice continued to talk I heard footsteps coming my direction. At least they sounded like footsteps at first but as they got closer it sounded a lot different, like the woman had a wobble in her step or something. “I hope you didn’t break anything though.” I scrambled to my feet and tried to regain my sense of balance. I inspected the damage I did to the nearby dresser that cushioned my fall and unfortunately it was thoroughly crushed into pieces.
“Nope, nothing is broken at all!” I said as I slid the pieces underneath a nearby table out of sight. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice the missing dresser until I was long gone from the store. “Yep. Nothing at all, just slipped is all-” I stopped as I turned to see not a woman standing there but what I could swear was a severely deformed horse. Its eyes were much too large and its nose was too short and its head only came up to my chest in height. Oh and there was the matter with its mane being BRIGHT LIME GREEN. It stared at me with its eyes wide, or what I assumed was wide, considering how big they were to begin with. And I stared back at it as it continued to stare at me. At this point I decided to respond in a manner befitting the discovery a small deformed mutant horse in my presence. I screamed like a scared little girl. The mutant horse also was surprised at me being suprised and decided to join in my hysterics by launching into a much girlier and louder scream as well.
“AAAAAAH!” I bellowed.
“AAAAAAH!” it yelled.
“AAAAAAH!” I shrieked.
“AAAAAAH!” it cried jolting in a random direction to flee in panic. Unfortunately for it, it collided with a nearby wardrobe that had a rather imposing vase teetering off the top of it. The vase came down with a thunk right on top of the creature's head. The horse like being then fell flat on its face and slumped into unconsciousness. For a moment I stood there, just staring at the creature. On closer inspection is features were to rounded, too smooth, and WAY too damn bright. What did they dunk this horse in glow-stick juice?! Actually calling it a horse felt wrong, it was too small, maybe its more like a pony? I snapped back from my pondering and realized I should get out of here, fast.
My legs kicked into motion and I sprinted for the exit to the store. Coming to the door I ripped it open and jumped over the threshold out into the open. The bell above the door tinkling as the door shut behind me I was just about to continue my mad dash away from this place when I noticed something. The ground was dry, in fact the sun was shining there were barely any clouds in the sky, and there was no smell of new fallen rain. Of course there was also the fact that outside there were even more of the mutant colored ponies, and this time they ranged in even MORE outlandish colors, some even had what I thought were wings growing out of their backs. And every one I saw was looking right at me.
“GAH! ANOTHER MONSTER!” shouted one.
“Quick everypony, run and hide!” squealed another.
“Protect the muffins!” hollered a third. And from this mass chaos ensued as every one of the miniature freak ponies ran in all directions screaming and spouting nonsense. I following suit ran down a nearby alleyway and kept on running. As I sprinted through the town populated by freaky equines I darted left and right through allies and roads, and every one of them either ran panicking or stood wide eyed at my appearance. I however was in too much of a shock to care about what they thought of me, as on top priority of my list of things to do was to get out of this crazy… wherever the heck I was. I ran, and I ran, and I kept on running down the dirt road until my lungs ached a begged for me to quit. I stopped right underneath a very large tree to catch my breath and try and figure out where I am.
Unfortunately for me, it wasn't a tree. Well, it WAS a tree at one time, but now it was a tree house. And I don't mean one of those dinky things you have in your backyard, I mean someone hollowed out this tree put in windows and added a freaking balcony. Aside from the craziness of this housing design I had to admit whoever built this had style. Then I heard a commotion from above me as a window was flung open.
"Ugh! it is WAY to early for everypony to be making this kind of noise!", complained a feminine voice from above "Just was is all the panic ab-" The voice stopped and I looked up to see why, the source of the voice had noticed me. For me to have found a colony of mutant talking ponies, okay I can accept that stranger things have happened in history. But was looking out from the window above me was something out of legend, a twice-damned UNICORN, and she was PURPLE! If I had a dollar for every time my brain today had a critical system failure... well at this point I'd have about 7 bucks, bad analogy. Anyway as I was trying to process this new discovery of myth before my eyes, the unicorn reacted first.
She broke into this wide stary eyed grin and zoomed back inside. There were loud stammering of items being thrown every which direction inside and the sounds of crashing and thumping could be heard as the pony seemed to race right outside through its front door with a floating notepad, quil, and lots and lots of excess paper. "Oh my goodness!" She exclaimed with glee looking at me like I was an ice cream salesman on a hot humid day "You are much bigger than the last one oh and your mane is quite long as well does that have to do with your gender or is it a social choice oh look at me here I am blathering and I don't even know your name my name is Twili-" the pony spoke in one lone run on sentence. Unfortunately my brain was still on the OFF position so I was running completely on instinct. And with a pony so quickly running up into my face and speaking so rapidly its a good thing my instincts did what came natural to an intrusion. A right hook straight into the mare's jaw. Nice one instinct, you and me are gonna have a chat when I'm in my right mind again.
Having for a second time that day knocked one of these things unconscious (Though the first could be attributed to the mighty power of lamps) I moved myself as far away from this scene as quickly as I could. Unfortunately some of the other denizens witnessed my act of tai kuan stupid and began to panic even more then they were before. "It attacked Twilight! Now nopony is safe! Quickly to the bunkers!" said one of them as they all panicked in one direction away from me. Wanting myself to get as far away from them as possible I went in the other direction. After a few minutes of no encounters I paused and allowed my brain to finally reboot itself.
As soon as I looked back I realized I was not in Kansas anymore. No longer were there any skyscrapers but instead small thatched roofed buildings whose design I could say was straight out of a renaissance faire. Surrounding the town were plains and fields as far as the eye could see and in the far distance a mountain range tore high into the sky. I sank to the ground utterly shocked at what happened. Someway, somehow, I had wound up in some freaky other world entirely populated by small multicolored pony like beings and the geography was like something out of an idealistic painting.
“God,” I said looking up to the sky “If this is your idea of a practical joke, I’m not laughing.” After staring into the sky and receiving no divine response I decided to get moving.
There’s no telling what those creatures will do when they stop panicking, and I would rather not be at the end of some weird pony lynch mob. Though at the thought of all those ponies with little pitchforks and torches in their mouths actually sounded kind of adorable, in a weird sort of way. Unsure of which direction to go I continued down the dirt road I was on, keeping my back to the town. Hopefully I’d come across someplace or at least something familiar. After walking at a brisk pace for awhile I found myself at the edge of what were rows and rows of apple trees outlined with a white fence. In the distance I saw a sight that gave me hope, a farmstead.
I was filled with the feeling of hope at the sight of the farm, maybe there were other people here and they could help me figure out where the heck I was. Breaking into a jog toward the farmhouse my mind filled with questions that I wanted to ask. Where am I? Why are there weird mutant horses everywhere? How can they talk? And why is one of those ponies kicking a tree?
I did a double take and looked again, yes indeed there was an orange coated pony kicking with its back legs against a tree. However after every kick apples fell from said tree right into buckets that had been placed around the base of the tree. Hiding myself behind one of the other trees I peeked out and watched this horse perform this feat of harvesting. I was amazed that such a simple kick could make all those apples fall perfectly into the assorted containers, mathematically it was just as probable… just as probable as me finding a race of talking multicolored ponies and unicorns. I theorized that if this creature was working on this farm then it was most likely that there were more of them around. And if there were more of them around I might be discovered. And if I was discovered... well I didn't want to find out how "friendly" pony hillbillies were. I decided it was best to get the heck out of this place before life decided to throw me a curve-ball and complicate matters.
“Well, howdy there mister!” came a cherry youthful voice from behind me.
Life had obviously decided that day to go with a knuckle-ball instead.