The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*
Chapter 138 Pinkie Vs. “Interrogation”
-oooooo-
“Sniff… Ahh!”
Dan*’s eyes shot open as a strong, stinging stench entered his nostrils. He quickly noticed Elise standing right in front of him, holding what seemed to be a small cracked smelling salt pack. He quickly took stock of his situation, noting his arms and legs were bound to a chair with duct tape. Looking past Elise as best he could, he noted he was in a mostly empty warehouse. Fluorescent lights hummed high above him as the light from the few visible windows had grown dim.
Despite his seemingly precarious situation, Dan* grinned. “You know this isn’t conducive to getting Dan back.”
Elise shrugged. “It didn’t seem like you dragging us into a trap helped much in that department either.”
Dan* chuckled. “Touché…” He shook his head. “Though I can’t say how well your other friends will do if you don’t cooperate. I certainly didn’t arrange for them to run into group of androids with the expectation that they could fend for themselves.”
“They’re probably more capable than you think,” Elise replied.
Dan* smirked. “What makes you think I haven’t prepared for their assortment of unusual skills?”
“Because you’re currently duct-taped to a chair,” Elise answered.
Dan* frowned. “Again… touché…” His smile slowly crept back onto the face, like something slinking into view from a dark, shadowy corner. “Still, you can hold me here and interrogate me all you want.” He shook his head. “It won’t help you get Dan back.”
“We’ll see…” Elise said. “I know you’re crazy-obsessed with Dan, but I’m pretty sure you value your life over ending his.”
Dan*’s grin turned slightly sheepish. “‘Obsessed’ is maybe not the right word…”
Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Then what is the right word? Fanatical? Consumed?”
“Bedeviled is a good one,” Jean suggested from behind Elise with a raised index finger.
Elise nodded. “Bedeviled is a good one.”
“Uh… How about absorbed?” Chris suggested.
“Are you all done playing thesaurus?!” Pinkie cried. Her eyes twitched and she gritted her teeth. “My stabbing arm is getting twitchy!”
Elise turned, allowing Dan* to see past her. Pinkie was sitting on a small, beat up wooden table with a rather impatient look on her face. On the table sat a number of random items: a boom box, a wooden baseball bat, a rope, a roll of duct tape, a cassette, a cigarette box, a silver zippo lighter, and some hand-length black item that Dan* couldn’t quite identify. A metal red gas can sat next to the table.
Elise held up a hand, “Just a moment, Pinkie. Just give me a little more time and he’s all yours.”
“Ooh, scary,” Dan* said with a grin. He shook his head. “Anyhow, this isn’t about any grudge with Dan.”
Elise’s lowered her eyebrow and shot Dan a look that all but screamed ‘I don’t believe you!’ The expression was mirrored on Pinkie, Chris, and Jean’s faces as they leaned past Elise to look at Dan*.
Dan* sighed. “Alright, so it’s a little about a grudge with Dan, but it’s mostly about righting a wrong in the world.”
“And let me guess, Dan is that wrong?” Elise asked.
“Oh come now,” Dan* said. “You of all people should know Dan is a blight on mankind.”
“Maybe,” Elise said, “but he’s a blight that’s best friends with my husband and also boyfriend to my best friend. Besides, he’s kind of a productive member of society…” Elise trailed off and glanced to towards the ceiling briefly. “…in a way…” She looked back down at Dan*. “Anyhow, this is a pretty hard line to sell since it seems you’re more than willing to take a lot of other people out along with Dan. You’d be hard-pressed to come up with a compelling reason why all of them, and I’m guessing us, deserve to be taken out.”
Dan* suddenly narrowed his eyes and glared up at Elise. “You want a reason? Fine. Dan is an insane little troll-of-a-man who seemingly gets away with everything he sets his mind to. Oh… And now he apparently has the power to conjure up super strength! So while this lunatic runs wild on society, you all just sit back and watch it happen! If you’re not too busy helping him that is! Sooner or later he’s going to do some real damage…” Dan* paused scrunched his brow slightly as he stared up into his eyelids, “… more real damage!”
“Wait…” Chris said, stepping forward slightly. “So… what…? You see Dan as a menace so that justifies reactivating androids that are heck-bent on taking over the planet?”
“Androids that Dan defeated,” Elise added.
Dan* smirked. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. I’m not about to team up with something I can’t control.”
Elise shook her head. “You’re crazy… and delusional, and I see I’m not going to get anything useful out of you talking like this.”
Dan* smiled up at Elise. “Oh Elise, don’t get so bent out of shape! You could always try asking nicely…”
Elise shook her head. “Sorry, but if I thought it was that easy, I’d have done that already. I think I’d rather leave you alone with Pinkie and just see what happens.” Elise turned and started walking towards a door that sat under a lit, red ‘EXIT’ sign.
“Finally!” Pinkie said.
“Come on, guys,” Elise said as she motioned for Chris and Jean to follow.
Chris looked at Elise, then shot a concerned look at Pinkie. He turned to look at Jean, who merely shrugged and began to follow Elise. Chris sighed and shook his head as he stepped in line behind Jean.
Pinkie watched the group leave, waiting for each one to file out the door and for it to close behind them. “Alone at last…” she said as she slid off the table and stood up. She looked at Dan* with a face devoid of expression and grabbed the bat. She walked towards him and let the bat hit the floor with a hard ‘Crack!’. Pinkie simply let the bat drag behind her as she continued onward. The wooden bat made a scratching sound as it scraped against the concrete.
Dan* smiled at Pinkie as he approached. “You know, I really like the new hairstyle. I’m surprised you found the time to straighten your hair with everything else—”
“You’re looking pretty good for someone I hit a bunch of times…” Pinkie interrupted. “Once with a baseball bat.”
Dan* grinned at Pinkie. “You’ll find that I heal fast these da—”
‘CRACK!’
Dan*’s world momentarily went dark and he was cut off and the only thing he felt was a hard blow to the face and the throbbing pain that accompanied it.
‘THUD!’
Dan* felt another hard blow as his head bounced off the concrete. He forced his eyes open, but a world of pink, black, and grey blurs was all he could make out. A brown blur quickly joined and soon everything when black once more.
‘WHACK!’
Dan* had just enough time to utter a confused, and pained “Wha…?” before Pinkie brought the bat down on his face one more time.
‘CRUNCH!’
Pinkie bent down and grabbed the back of Dan*’s chair. She leaned up and placed it back upright.
“Better,” Pinkie said as she smiled darkly.
Dan* slowly opened his eyes, finding his eyelids wouldn’t quite go up all the way. Holding his head upright seemed problematic too as he attempted to focus through the pain. He could feel a warm liquid pour from his nose down over his lips and a copper taste on his tongue. Slowly, the blurs came back into focus as he heard the sound of the bat being unceremoniously dropped. He opened his eyes to see Pinkie walk back towards the table.
Dan* kept his focus on her as the pain started to numb and the blood flow from his nose began to turn into a trickle. To his surprise, Pinkie went for the box of cigarettes, opened it, and fished one out.
Pinkie brought the cigarette up to her lips and lit it as she took a long drag off of it.
Dan* shook his head. “You’re going pretty far for this little show you’re putting on, aren’t you?”
Pinkie said nothing and continued to stare at Dan* without expression. She exhaled a long, continuous puff of smoke as she began walking back towards Dan*.
Dan* chuckled, his head had begun to clear and the pain of being wacked repeatedly with bad was almost a distant memory at this point. His knowing smirk returned. “You know those things will kill yo—”
Dan* noted a flicker a movement before he felt a point on his forehead erupt in searing pain.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dan* cried out as Pinkie smashed the lit end of her cigarette against his forehead.
“You don’t take me seriously…” Pinkie said as she leaned over Dan* and casually flicked her stubbed-out cigarette behind her.
Dan* looked up at Pinkie, lifting his swollen eyebrow as much as he could. “I’m starting to…”
Pinkie grinned darkly. “Well… too little, too late…” she said, leaning up. She walked over to the table of random items and picked up the duct tape.
Dan* raised his eyebrow slightly; the act was slowly getting easier. “I can assure you, I’m in no state to get out of this chair at the moment.”
Pinkie pulled on the end of the duct tape and unstuck a good several inches from the roll. She ripped the strand from the roll with her teeth and sauntered back up to Dan*, walking behind him. She leaned her head down next to his ear. “Oh… It’s not to keep you in place, I just decided I’m tired of hearing you talk.”
Dan*’s eyes widened slightly “Wait!” he said. “If you tape my mouth shut how am I supposed to tell you— MMMMPH! MMMMM!”
“Better!” Pinkie said cheerfully. She walked back over to the table and took off her black jacket, revealing black suspenders that went down from her shoulders over her chest. Attached to the suspenders was a sheath that had a black handle sticking out of it. She set her jacket on the table.
Pinkie grabbed the cassette tape, turned, and held it up as she asked with a smile, “Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?”
Dan*’s eyes went wide as he began to struggle against the tape that held him to the chair. His head had cleared to the point where he could think clearly, and at this point he thought that maybe… just maybe he miscalculated exactly how Pinkie would react to having her boyfriend kidnapped. “MMMMMPGH! MMMMMGHGFFFF!”
Pinkie giggled darkly as she hit a button on the boom box, causing a front compartment to open. “Relax, silly! Does it look like I brought a raincoat and axe?” Pinkie said as she motioned to the table.
Dan* stopped struggling but shot Pinkie a perplexed look.
Pinkie shook her head. “Noper! What I have planned for you is a little more close and personal…” Pinkie placed the tape in the front of the player and closed it, then hit another button on the top. The sound of a guitar being strum began to gently sound out from the boom box, it was quickly followed by the sound of a bass, a backup guitar, and clapping.
Dan*’s eyes went wide as Pinkie reached for the black item on the table. Grim realization entered his face as the connection between the black item on the table and the music click. Though he could feel that his face was likely caked with dried blood, his wounds had healed, but he realized more wounds were very likely to occur in his near future.
Pinkie flicked out a straight razor from the black handle and began to dance to the music. She slowly bobbed her way back towards Dan*. The vocals kicked in and Pinkie began to sing along with them.
--Well, I don't know why I came here tonight
--I got the feeling that something ain't right
--♫
--♫
Dan* watched as Pinkie would stroll forward, then backwards, then forward again. She even danced backwards in a small circle at one point before continuing her meandering journey towards the chair.
--♫
Dan* glanced up at the windows, noting that the last traces of daylight had just about to cease eking into the dingy warehouse.
--♫
Pinkie regained his full attention as she swung her razor out. Dan* let out a muffled cry as the blade cut into his cheek.
--♫
Pinkie stopped singing, instead she simply stared down at Dan*. Her face was once again devoid of emotion.
--♫
Pinkie’s eyes twitched and she grit her teeth. She leaned down as her mouth exploded into a crazed smile.
--♫
Dan* felt a sharp sting in the side of his head and screamed into the duct tape around his mouth as he felt the pain slowly make its way down the side of his head.
--♫
Rational thought was drowned out by the agony of having the side of his head cut into. Dan* struggled against the tape the bound him, but Pinkie held fast. Despite his struggling, he could feel her blade pushing down further and further.
--♫
“PINKIE!”
Dan* felt the welcome feeling of the blade pulling up and out of the side of his head.
--♫
“WHAAAAaaaaAAAT?!” Pinkie cried as she pulled up her now blood-covered razor and shot an irritated glance at Elise.
--♫
Elise sighed and shook her head as Chris and Jean filed back into the warehouse behind her. “ Chris remembered what scene you were reenacting when he heard the music!”
--♫
“Yeah, so?” Pinkie replied.
--♫
“Well… Since there’s no one here who’s going to shoot you, I have to ask what you planned to do after you set Dan’s look-alike here on fire?”
Pinkie smiled. “You know, I was going to play that by ear.” She suddenly scowled at Elise. “Which would have been a much funnier line if you had just given me a lousy few more seconds!” Pinkie snapped shrilly.
--♫
Dan* took another look towards the window. A pale light began to enter from outside and the throbbing pain on the side of his head began to numb almost immediately.
“Pinkie!” Chris called in a slightly pleading tone. “You can’t uh… ask this Dan where our Dan is if he’s dead!”
--♫
Pinkie pursed her lips and wrinkled her brow as if considering this idea for the first time. “Huhhhh… I guess I can’t…”
--♫
Chris sighed and shook his head. “I guess we better get that duct tape off his mouth…”
--♫
Duct tape ripped and wood cracked.
--♫
Everyone took a few steps away from Dan* as his muscles began to bulge and thick, coarse hair began to cover his body. His clothes ripped and fell away, unable to contain his new mass as he grew upwards and outwards. His mouth began to jut forward, changing into a muzzle tipped with a large black nose as his canines became more pronounced. Triangular, fur covered ears topped his head and the whites and blue of Dan*’s eyes turned a bright amber that surrounded his dark pupils. Of his clothes, only a stretchy pair of white boxers with red hearts on them and his black shoes and white socks survived the transformation.
Everyone simply stood motionless as a guitar solo continued to play from the boom box.
Elise, Chris, and Jean all took a few cautious steps back, their eyes opened wide as they attempted to make sense of the situation.
“Oh right!” Chris said as he dropped his fist into his open palm. “He got attacked by the wolf-man a month back!
Elise frowned. “Well that’s mildly distressing.”
Jean nodded in agreement. “I don’t think I came equipped for werewolf…”
--♫
Dan*’s lips curled upwards, revealing a mouth full of sharp teeth and opening into what seemed quite likely to be a wicked smile. Wild animal eyes stared at Pinkie as the wolf-man-Dan* began to bop rhythmically to the tone that still played from the boom box.
--♫
“You wanna dance?” Pinkie asked as her eyelids began to drift downwards and the corners of her mouth began to float upwards. With her left hand she pulled out her chef knife out of the sheath on her suspenders. She held it upright as she held the straight razor in the right. “I wanna polka…”
--♫
Dan* lunged forward.
--♫
Pinkie did the same.
-oooooo-
The Doctor, D.H., and Crunchy all ran out of yellow building with a large sign that read ‘NORMAL NUTRITION’, sprinting out into the streetlight as the sounds of electric hums and gears whirring grew ever louder.
“This way!” the Doctor shouted as he took a right out the door.
Crunchy and D.H. quickly turned to follow.
“AH!” D.H. cried in alarm as she tripped over a red sandwich board that read ‘NORMAL NUTRITION nothing out of the ordinary here’.
‘THUMP!’
“Owie!” she cried as she hit the ground.
Crunchy quickly helped her up as the Doctor rushed back and scooped D.H. into his arms and resumed running down the street.
“Sorry,” the Doctor said, “I forgot that running isn’t your forte…”
D.H. looked up at the Doctor and giggled. “That’s alright… I already feel a lot better.”
Already exhausted from cycling, Crunchy breathed heavily as he struggled to keep up with the doctor. “Huff… puff… Did you have to park so… huff… far away, brah?!”
“What was I supposed to do?” the Doctor shouted back. “Just park my van in front of the place I knew had evil androids in it?! I had to be discrete!”
The Doctor turned left at the end of the block and Crunchy followed. “There!” the Doctor said as a blue van came into view.
Crunchy frowned as he and the Doctor sprinted towards the van. The blue paint looked a bit on the faded side and the rectangular van itself looked like it easily could be as old as fifty years.
As they approached, the Doctor gently set D.H. down in front of the passenger side. D.H. threw open the door and the sight of a smiling blond-haired girl in a purple hoodie greeted her.
“Mommy!” Dinky cried excitedly as D.H. threw open the passenger side door.
D.H. quickly stepped up into the van and hugged her daughter, practically falling on top her as she did.
“Mommy, you’re all sweaty!” Dinky protested.
D.H. sighed. “I know, Dinky.” She parted enough to look Dinky in the face as best she could. “Now buckle up. Daddy and mommy are being chased by evil androids who want to use as all as human batteries.”
Dinky sighed as she walked back behind the front seats and buckled herself into the seat behind them. “I’ll never get macaroni at this rate!” she bemoaned as the Doctor opened the driver side door and climbed up into the seat.
“Don’t worry,” the Doctor said. “I’m sure the van can outrun a few bloody, booting up androids,” he added as Crunchy quickly opened the side door sat down on the seat next to Dinky.
Crunchy closed the door behind him and buckled up. He shot a concerned look towards the front of the van. “Well you better get a start on outrunning them, because they’re catching up.” He said before turning to look out his window with a distressed look.
“Not a problem!” The Doctor stated as he put the key into the ignition. “Allons-y!” he shouted as he turned it.
The engine of the van roared to life.
Crunchy breathed a sigh of relief. “You know for a moment there, I thought the van wouldn’t start.”
“Please,” the Doctor said, rolling his eyes as he shifted the van into gear and pulled it into the street. “It’s a van owned by two hyperintelligent adults who need to have a working vehicle to get to and, many times, away from places very quickly. Of course it’s in good working order.”
D.H. giggled and batted her eyelids in the most Doctorly direction she could manage. “I love it when you call me hyperintelligent…”
“Mommy!” Dinky whined. “Your friend smells funny!”
“Dinky, don’t be rude!” D.H. said. “He’s a hippy, they’re supposed to smell like that.”
“Also, I’ve been exercising in a full suit, little dudette!” Crunchy added. He scrunched his forehead as he looked down at the little girl next to him and then up towards the front of the van. “You took your little girl with you when you knew there would be evil robots?!”
“Well I couldn’t bloody well leave her at home, could I?!” the Doctor shot back as the van picked up speed.
Crunchy gave the Doctor a perplexed look. “Uh… I’m not like a parent… or anything… but wouldn’t it have been safer at home for her?”
D.H. sighed. “We left Dinky out of sight for a few hours once and she had turned the microwave onto a high-energy radio frequency gun…”
The Doctor nodded. “Yes, taking her with us to face androids heck-bent on world domination was much safer for all parties involved… except the androids.”
Dinky leaned forward and looked back and forth between her parents, giving them both a helping of a rather indignant look. “The instructions were right there on the internet! I mean… How could I not?”
“Well…” the Doctor said, “I am pleased about your inquisitive nature…”
D.H. shook her head. “I just wish it came with less of a chance we’d be caught in a fiery explosion… I mean… we get enough of that outside of home!”
“Well how else am I going to learn?!” Dinky cried.
Crunchy turned in his seat and looked out the back windows of the Van. “Uh… I hate to keep being the buzzkill of the group… but those ripped-looking androids are still following us and gaining on us…”
The Doctor sighed as he looked up at his rearview mirror. “Oh bloody hell…”
Nonplused by the news, Dinky spoke up again. “Seriously! It’s not like they teach me how to make anything cool in school!”
D.H. looked back at Dinky and shook head. “Let’s talk about this later when something isn’t chasing use down and trying to capture us.”
Dinky folded her arms across her chest and shot a sullen look towards the window. “You always say that!”
D.H. sighed and turned towards the Doctor. “Did you bring my Electronic Discharge Generator?”
“Dearest, you just sent me a text saying you had been kidnapped by robots. Of course I brought your lightning gun!” the Doctor said as he leaned down and came back up with a several foot-long, cylindrical black object that had a couple of hand grips on it, a red switch in front of the front grip, a satellite dish like attachment at the front, and a scope mounted on the top.
D.H. short her husband a slightly disapproving look. “It’s not a gun!”
The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Does it have a trigger?”
D.H. sighed. “It’s a switch! It’s not like it discharges immediately upon hitting the switch!”
“Ha!” the Doctor cried triumphantly. “So you admit it shoots something!”
“Discharges!” D.H. insisted.
“Oh, you’re just being pedantic!” the Doctor insisted. “Upon hitting the ‘switch’ does it ‘discharge’ out of an aperture that’s pointed at a target?”
“Yes…” D.H. uttered begrudgingly.
“See! Gun!”
“Uh… dude and dudettes?” Crunchy said as he look behind him, staring out the back window of the van. “I hate to interrupt your… uh… important discussion, but the robots are getting closer.”
D.H. twisted in her seat and stared out the back window, squinting as she attempted to focus her crooked eyes. “Uhg!” she cried in frustration turning back towards her husband. “Whatever, just… lean out the window and start fire—discharging!”
The Doctor glanced from the road long enough to give his wife a cross look. “Dearest, you know how I feel about guns!”
“It’s not a gun!” D.H. cried.
The Doctor shook his head. “Regardless of what it is, I’m also driving! There’s not a bloody good chance of me hitting anything!”
“Well I can’t use it!” D.H. said. “I can barely hit anything under ideal conditions, and firing while in a moving vehicle at night is hardly ideal!”
“I can fire it!” Dinky said enthusiastically.
“NO!” the Doctor and D.H. said simultaneously as they turned to face their daughter behind them.
Dinky crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared out the window as she puffed her cheeks out.
D.H. shifted her look towards Crunchy. “Crunchy? Do you think you could crawl to the back of the van, open the door, and start firing electricity at the androids?”
Crunchy closed his eyes shook his head. “I am a man of peace. I could not live with myself if I destroyed a living thing…”
“They’re robots, remember?” D.H. said. “So… not alive technically.”
“Oh, right…” Crunchy said as his eyes opened again. “Hand me the lightning gun then.”
“Electronic Discharge Generator!” D.H. protested. “Or E.D.G!”
“Right, had me the E.D.G. and I’ll fry the turkeys!” Crunchy paused and added, “Uhhh… The robot turkeys… which are actually robots… and not turkeys at all…”
D.H. handed the E.D.G. to Crunchy.
Crunchy held the E.D.G. in his left arm and undid his seatbelt with his right he began to make his way towards the back of the van.
The Doctor looked over at D.H. “You know they’re androids, not robots… They’re potentially capable of independent thought and learning as well, so technically—”
D.H. shot a glare at the Doctor. “It’s either Crunchy fires electricity at the androids or Dinky!”
Dinky turned towards the front again as her face lit up.
Crunchy leaned over the back set of seats and lifted the handles to the back doors of the van. He pushed them open and the wind began to howl as the van cruised down the road.
The Doctor looked up at his rearview mirror, seeing Crunchy kneel on the back seat and take aim with the E.D.G. at the androids who seemed to be closing the gap between themselves and the van.
The Doctor sighed to himself. “Robots it is.”
“Aww man…” Dinky uttered in disappointment.
Crunchy took aim with the E.D.G., looking out the scope at the androids who ran with almost perfect form at high speed down the road. He closed one eye and stared through the scope with the other. He flipped the switch on the front and tensed slightly.
To his surprise, the device seemed to do nothing at first, but he suddenly noted a humming coming from the E.D.G. that grew louder in intensity.
‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’
‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’
Electricity shot from the dish at the front and sizzled through the air, stopping as it hit an android’s left arm. The arm spasmed as electricity arched around it, and soon the android’s left leg jerked as well.
‘CLANG!’
The android collapsed as its left foot hit the ground at a weird angle, it rolled along the road, losing momentum as other androids shifted slightly to avoid it.
“Nice one!” the Doctor said.
“Try to hit them in the chest!” D.H. said. “It should supercharge their battery and cause a small explosion.”
“Right, brah!” Crunchy said as he flipped the switch which had clicked back into place just after discharge.
‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’
‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’
Crunchy’s next shot went high, catching an android in the head. It flailed its limbs wildly as it too collapsed to the street.
‘CLANG!’
“Whoops…” Crunchy said.
“Well, that works, too…” D.H. said.
“Let me try again…” Crunchy said.
‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’
‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’
An androids chest lit up briefly with electricity, then a quick burst of flame before it fell to the ground.
‘CLANG!’
D.H. looked back and smiled. “Hey, you’re doing pretty good!”
“I took a job as a forest ranger once,” Crunchy said as he flipped the switch again.
‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’
“Can I get a turn?” Dinky asked.
‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’
‘CLANG!’
“NO!” D.H. and the Doctor said in unison.
Dinky let out an exasperated sigh.
“Bollocks…” the Doctor uttered.
Dinky giggled.
“Language!” D.H. cried as she turned to scold her husband.
The Doctor shook his head. “Sorry dearest… It’s just we’re coming up on traffic and a red light.”
D.H. looked forward and noticed a number of red lights, both from the cars in front of them slowing down, and from the traffic lights suspended above the upcoming intersection. Her mind immediately went to an appropriate response for their situation.
“Bollocks…”