Mystery Night in Ponyville

by Insert Pen Name

Part VI: Case Closed!

The waning moon was just starting to rise in the cloudless sky, casting its palour upon what remained of the snow from the previous night. While most ponies were snug and warm indoors, six ponies and one juvenile dragon huddled beneath the shadow of the town's clock tower.

"Okay, seriously, Fluttershy, we've been waiting out here for over half an hour," complained Rainbow Dash, whose cream-coloured suit jacket was better suited for the summer heat of Los Pegasus than the autumn frost of the Equestrian Heartland.

"Indeed," nodded Rarity, who was very near now to pulling down the flaps on her deerstalker hat, despite her better fashion judgement. "Surely you can give us some idea what you have planned here?"

"Nope," said the temporarily titian-maned Fluttershy, who had become unusually assertive in the past half-hour. "It's a surprise."

"Oooh! I love surprises!" chirped Pinkie Pie, her peculiar red hat balancing perfectly on her head despite her bouncing. "I mean, that goes without saying, because honestly who doesn't love surprises, especially me, but I really, really, really-"

"Can't we at least get inside someplace warm?" interjected Applejack, shivering inside the collar of her heavy grey trenchcoat. "It's gettin' cold as Old Homeland out here."

"And it most certainly isn't doing any favours for my mane!" added Rarity.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Spike stood off to the side, one of them quite comfortable in her heavy woolen clerical habit, and the other starting to entertain the notion that his false mustache had begun to freeze to his face.

"W-what do you think's up with Fluttershy?" asked Spike, shivering.

"I don't know..." replied Twilight, idly adjusting the wilting red rose on her scapular. "But I've never seen her this energetic about a mystery before, so she must be on to something."

Indeed, Fluttershy was becoming very agitated as she paced back and forth before the service door to the clock tower.

"Oh me, oh my," she stammered to herself. "I hope this all works out. I've never taken the lead in a mystery before. What if I choke up? Or what if I'm wrong entirely? Oh my, so many things that can go wr-"

At that moment, the clock struck 8:00, and the tower bells began pealing off into the empty night. Seconds later, the service door swung open, and out stepped a brown, blue-eyed earth-stallion with a very long technicoloured scarf wrapped about his neck. He was whistling a cheerful tune as he went, which quickly dwindled off as soon as he noticed he had visitors.

"Ah, fancy meeting you all here," said Doctor Whoof amicably. "I was actually hoping I'd run into you girls. I just wanted to apologise for how rude I was this morning and why are you all staring at me?"

"Um, we don't mean to bother you, Doctor," said Fluttershy sweetly. "But would it be alright if we could come inside and talk to you for a teensy little while?"

Whether Fluttershy was being genuinely or deliberately adorable (or both) was anypony's guess, but there was little that even the indomitable Doctor Whoof could do to resist it. Somewhat warily, he turned and gestured for them to follow him into the clock tower, whereupon Fluttershy flashed a cryptic smile at her bemused friends.

Not a large structure by any means, the interior of the clock tower was almost completely taken up by an old-fashioned wrought-iron stairway that wound its way up to the massive clockwork four stories above. Beneath the stairs on the ground floor, however, Whoof had cobbled together a personal "break-room" of sorts. Two milk crates draped with worn old towels served as chairs, while a wooden cable spool acted as a coffee table, upon which sat a stack of old Science! magazines and an electric kettle with two chipped mugs.

"I regret I am ill-equipped to entertain guests," said Whoof as he sat down upon one of the milk crates.

"That's okay, we won't be staying too long," Fluttershy assured him as she sat on the oppostie crate while her friends crowded all around. "We just wanted to show you something..."

As everypony else looked on, Fluttershy reached into a pocket and drew out the photograph from the pub that Rarity had given to her. Without a word, she passed it to the Doctor, who took one look at it before turning ashen-faced.

"Girls," said Fluttershy, grinning with triumph, "I give you our Mayor's mystery date."

Shame and embarrassment were etched upon the Doctor's features as comprehension now dawned on the rest of the group.

"Of course, it all fits," murmured Rarity.

"So you were the one dating the Mayor on Tuesday!" said Pinkie Pie. "But then that means... *gasp!* You're cheating on Derpy!"

"N-no, that's not true," said Whoof weakly.

"And you tried to take out the Mayor to keep her from findin' out!" added Applejack.

"What?! No, I had nothing to do with that! I was in here last evening!"

"Can anypony else confirm your alibi?" asked Twilight with an accusative glare.

"N-no, but... Please, I admit I saw her on Tuesday, and it was a mistake, but it had nothing to do with that, I swear!"

"Gonna' have to do better than that, friend," said Applejack wryly. "Ya got motive, opportunity, no alibi, and ya were the last pony to see the Mayor before the attack."

"Please, just listen, I can explain," pleaded Whoof, practically prostrating himself before them.

The six mares exchanged glances for a moment before coming to an unspoken agreement.

"Start talking," said Rainbow.

"Thank-you," Whoof said with relief. "Okay, I suppose I should start by saying that Mayor Mare and I go back a fair bit. We used to date in high school, you see."

"Ah yes, that old photograph on the Mayor's desk," noted Rarity. "I must say, you two made a cute couple back then."

"Yes, well, we actually broke it off just before graduation. She had an internship lined up here in Ponyville, and I was going to the University of Canterlot to pursue my doctorate in chronology, for all the good it's done me. By the time I moved back here, it was like we were strangers again."

"Are you going somewhere with this?" asked Rainbow.

"In a bit. Anyway, I was fixing the clock in her office Tuesday evening and we got to talking. She suggested we go out for drinks after for old times' sake, and I accepted. To make a long story short, we got absolutely trashed. Being the gentlecolt that I am, I felt it was only appropriate that I walk her home. Next thing I know, we're snogging inside on her sofa."

An uncomfortable silence followed before Pinkie Pie hazarded a question.

"Did you guys...?"

"No, thankfully. I think we both passed out before it went anywhere. When I woke up and realised what had happened, I panicked and ran off before she woke up. You have to understand, I was very, very drunk. I love Derpy. I would never knowingly cheat on her."

"So what were ya doin' at the Mayor's office yesterday afternoon?" asked Applejack.

"I was getting to that. After my hangover had lessened up a bit, I felt disgusted with myself. I didn't want to face Derpy after what I'd nearly done, so I needed to clear my conscience."

"So you went to see Mister Waddle," Twilight concluded. "That's why he was checking in on you at your house yesterday."

"Yes. I confessed everything to him and he gave me a penance. One of the conditions was that I confront Mayor Mare and make it clear that this would never happen again."

"Given that she had that old photo out, I assume she didn't take that very well," said Rarity.

"To put it succinctly, no. I'll spare you the details, but in the end I was able to make it clear that we were better off just as friends. Which seemed to peeve her off even more, actually. But that was the last I saw of her that day, I swear. I was a surprised as anypony when I heard the news she'd been attacked."

Fluttershy stared (normally) at the Doctor for a long time. Whoof stared right back, unflinching, his blue eyes betraying no lie.

"I believe you," she said finally.

Rainbow Dash seemed ready to protest, but Pinkie Pie discreetly restrained her. It was clear that Whoof was off the hook.

"Hey, what were the other parts?" asked Spike suddenly.

"Other parts?" asked Whoof.

"Yeah, the other part of that 'penance' thing Mister Waddle made you do. You said one of the things you had to do was break up with the Mayor again. What else did you have to do?"

"Oh. Well, it's rather personal, but I also had to confess to Derpy what had happened. No secrets between us, right?"

Everypony else just stared, having all come to the same alarming conclusion.

"Derpy knows about you and the Mayor?" asked Twilight quietly.

"That's what I just said, yes," nodded Whoof, seemingly oblivious. "Why, what's the big-"

The Doctor's eyes widened in horror.

"No. You can't think... You told me today she wasn't a suspect anymore!"

"That was before we had a motive on her!" snapped Applejack.

"So what? A motive doesn't prove anything!"

"It's enough to get her bumped back up to 'prime suspect'!" Applejack retorted.

"Where is she?!" Rainbow demanded. "And don't even think about lying to us!"

"She... She said she was going out to the pub with some friends tonight," said Whoof glumly.

"Which pub?"

"I don't know. Please, don't do anything rash, I'm sure she's innocent."

"We'll know soon enough," said Rarity. "Come now girls, I think I know which pub we're looking for..."

In an instant, the six mares were back out on the street and tearing through the night towards the Town Square. With Rarity in the lead, Twilight took the moment to slip towards the back of the group to where Fluttershy galloped steadily along.

"That was some good detective work back there," Twilight beamed, while Spike held on for dear life atop her back. "How did you guess that Doctor Whoof was involved?"

"Oh, well, to be honest, it was really just a hunch," said Fluttershy sheepishly.

"A hunch?"

"Kind of. I was reading Spike's notes during lunch earlier, you see, and while we were talking outside Filthy Rich's office, I remembered how Mister Waddle was at Doctor Whoof's place when Rainbow Dash caught Derpy."

"And that's what tipped you off?" asked Spike, visibly confused at their friend's line of reasoning.

"No. But once I started thinking about Doctor Whoof, everything else just kind of fit. Like I said, it was just a hunch."

"Huh. I was really hoping for something less contrived, but I guess you can't argue with results," said Twilight, frowning. "Also, how did you know he'd be at the clock tower tonight?"

"Oh, he's there every night before he goes home," explained Fluttershy. "I went to see him there last month when his puppy wasn't feeling well."

"Doc has a dog?" asked Spike.

"Affirmative," Fluttershy grinned.

Moments later, the group had arrived in front of the "hidden gem" of a pub known as the Brass Bit.

"How much ya wanna' bet she ain't in there?" Applejack teased Rarity.

"If she is, you have to let me style your hair for a week," Rarity teased back.

"Let's just get this over with," said Rainbow, pushing past them for the door.

The interior of the pub at this hour offered a sharp contrast with their earlier visit. Where before it was dim and dull and empty, now it was alive with light, noise, and a great many happy ponies in various states of inebriation and consciousness. For the first time that evening, the costumed seven went completely unnoticed as they made for the bar, with most of the pub-goers either passed out or otherwise occupied with the radio coverage of a very lively late-season hoofball game.

The bartender, however, recognised them straight away, and after sliding yet another frothing pint to the end of the bar, hurried over to greet our protagonists.

"What can I do for ya?" he asked gruffly.

"Derpy Hooves," said Twilight. "Is she here?"

The barkeep only nodded then jerked his head toward the far corner of the pub. Sitting there at a small corner table were three mares: one a carrot-flanked earth-pony, another a sea-foam-haired pegasus, and the third a very familiar courier with straw-coloured hair, and a pair of eyes that defied the mores of society.

Without a word, the detectives maneuvered through the pub toward their prey, who did not take long to notice that they would soon have visitors. Derpy's friends glared at them suspiciously as they approached, but Derpy herself merely averted her gaze and focused glumly on her half-empty mug of mead.

"What do you want?" demanded Carrot Top, scooting her chair around as though to block their way. "You better not be here to bother Derpy again!"

"Yeah, she's dealt with enough crap lately without you girls dumping on more!" added Raindrops.

"We just want to talk to her," said Twilight in as best a diplomatic tone as she could muster. "Is that alright, Derpy?"

Derpy stirred a bit at having been addressed directly. With a sigh, she took a quick pull at her drink, then looked up to regard the detectives with morose yellow eyes.

"Derpy," said Twilight gently. "We know about Whoof and the Mayor."

"Friggin' floozy!" spat Raindrops. "She's lost my vote."

"And how is that any of your business, anyway?" asked Carrot Top.

"Back off, Carrot," said Derpy suddenly before turning to address Twilight and Co. "So I guess you girls are here to arrest me again, huh?"

"That depends..." said Twilight. "Derpy Hooves, did you attack the Mayor last night?"

Carrot Top and Raindrops glowered at Twilight's query, but Derpy merely let out a sullen sigh.

"I know what you girls are probably thinking," she said at last. "But, it wasn't like that. Honest. When he told me what happened that night... I was mad, sure, really mad. Like, 'make him sleep on his own couch' mad..."

"You go, girl!" chirped Pinkie.

"But not at the Mayor. Not really. I'm not the sort of filly to hold a grudge."

"So what changed?" asked Twilight.

"I... I got that package at work to deliver to Town Hall," Derpy grimaced. "I didn't want to have to talk to her so soon, but I had a job to do, so I went, and there was nopony outside, so I knocked on her door and... and..."

"And let me guess: she was drunk like a fish at happy hour?" offered Applejack.

"Yeah," Derpy couldn't help but to laugh a little, but her smile soon faded. "She was really not looking too good. If I was smart, I would've just left her with the package and walked away, but... I tried to talk to her, let her know that Whoofsie was with me now, and that I loved him, but then she... she told me that I was no good for him."

"She didn't," gasped Rarity, scandalised.

"She did," said Derpy, fighting back a sob. "She told me that I was 'holding him back', that he deserved better than some... then some... she called me a... a..."

"Retard?" suggested Rainbow in a brief yet utterly complete lapse of tact.

"Ditzy blonde!" Derpy wailed before breaking down into sobs.

Everypony else just stared, Derpy's companions included.

"Wait, that's it?" asked Rainbow. "You clubbed her over the back of the head just because she called you-"

"Nopony calls me a ditz!" Derpy snarled suddenly, slamming a scornful hoof upon the table. "You got that? Nopony! Not you, or the Mayor, or that jackass in the checkered suit who had me buried alive out in the San Palomino two years back!"

"Wait, what?!" asked a much bewildered Carrot Top. "When the crap did that happen?!"

"So yeah, I gave her what-for!" snapped Derpy, ignoring her friend. "When she turned her back on me all attitude-like, I ripped her stupid picture down and gave her what she deserved! And then I... and then she... oh gosh, I felt so awful!"

And then Derpy was sobbing again. Carrot Top moved to comfort her, while Twilight exchanged a look with Raindrops, who shrugged at her in a 'Who doesn't have stress-induced mood swings from time to time? Nopony, that's who,' sort of way. Finally, Twilight took the initiative once more.

"Derpy Hooves," she said with far less satisfaction than she had anticipated this moment would have. "I'm placing you under arrest for the aggravated assault of Mayor Mare."

"Like heck you are!" said Carrot Top suddenly. "If you think we're going to let you take our friend in to get her wings clipped, you've got another think coming, buster!"

"Girls, please, I don't want any more trouble," pleaded Derpy.

"Mare up, Derpy!" barked Raindrops. "I'm sick of watching ponies push you around!"

"And just what are you going to do to stop us?" jeered Rainbow Dash, never one to back down from a confrontation. "There's six of us-"

"Seven," said Spike.

"You don't count, Spike," said Rainbow bluntly. "Where was I? Oh yeah, there's six of us, and two of you! And one of us is a Princess!"

"I didn't vote for her," scoffed Raindrops.

"Point is, whatcha' gonna' do 'bout it?" challenged Pinkie Pie.

"This," said Carrot Top.

Before anypony could react, Carrot vaulted nimbly onto the table, seized her chair from the floor, reared up on her hind legs, and let out a piercing whistle that captured the attention of the entire pub.

"Hey, everypony!" she announced, holding her chair aloft. "Barfight!"

And then she hurled her chair harmlessly against the wall.

In an instant, the pub exploded merrily into an enthusiastic fury of friendly, good-natured, drunken violence. Haymakers were hurled, punches were parried, knees were kicked, and in the midst of it all a fiddle and bagpipes were produced to fill the pub with a spirited little fighting ditty.

In the confusion, Derpy was able to slip away while Carrot Top and Raindrops waded gleefully into the melee. Out of instinct more than anything, Twilight and the gang pulled together into a defensive knot, even though it was abundantly clear that none of the surrounding belligerents were of any real threat.

"We can't lose her!" Twilight shouted above the din of barroom battle. "Pinkie Pie, try and get everypony to stop fighting! Rarity, Fluttershy, watch the exits! The rest of us will spread out and find Derpy! Let's go!"

Without hesitation, Team Harmony sprang into action. Rarity made for the front door, while Fluttershy slunk over toward the emergency exit. For her part, Pinkie Pie leapt atop the pool table, where two stallions were already sparring with the pool cues, and tried to emulate Carrot Top's loud whistle.

"Hey, everypony!" she shouted once she was certain she had at least some of the crowd's attention. "You know what's waaayyy better than fighting? Karaoke sing-along!"

Pinkie Pie's suggestion was rewarded with several thrown beer bottles and a general increase in the intensity of the fighting. Overall, she found it moderately discouraging.

Meanwhile, Applejack had her nose to the ground in true gumshoe fashion, and was thus perfectly positioned to spot their quarry slinking beneath tables a short distance away. If it were any other pony, Applejack might have been able to take them by surprise, but as it was, Derpy quickly spotted her pursuer out of the corner of her eye and took off for the door. Determined not to have Rarity take all the glory, Applejack leapt onto the bar, pulled a bullwhip out from under her coat and lashed it at Derpy's hindlegs. The whip curled neatly around the fleeing pony's ankle, sending her sprawling on the floor.

"I got her, Twi!" Applejack shouted.

"Good job!" replied Twilight. "Now to stop this fight!"

Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie seemed to have given up on her task, and was now engaged in a pool cue duel of her own with Berry Punch while onlookers cheered them on. Annoyed, Twilight instead resorted to her usual fallback: magic!

"Brace yourselves girls!" she said through gritted teeth as her horn began to glow. "Mass-Pacify Spell incoming!"

There was a great flash followed by a great noise, then a great darkness followed by a great silence, all compressed into the space of a split-second. The next thing anypony knew, the pub was quiet, and a great many ponies found themselves either passed out or blinking in confusion where they sat. With the conflict resolved, the mystery crew converged upon Applejack and the now hogtied Derpy Hooves.

"Well done, Applejack," said Rarity. "But why on earth were you carrying a whip in your coat?"

"Came with the hat," Applejack gestured at her fedora. "Figured it might come in handy later."

"What matters is we got our mare," said Twilight. "Now we can finally get this case wrapped up!"

No sooner had she said that when the front door of the pub burst wide open, and in walked none other than Mayor Mare herself.

"Stop! Not so fast!" she exclaimed.

"Mayor Mare? What are you doing here?" asked Twilight.

"I asked her to come!" declared Doctor Whoof as he strode in behind the Mayor.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle," began the Mayor in her officious tone. "I must ask that you release that mare at once!"

"What?!" cried Rainbow Dash. "But she's the one that attacked you! She told us so herself!"

"It's true," said Derpy meekly.

"And we know why she did it too, so there's no point in lying to us anymore," added Rarity.

"Nonetheless, I am afraid that you must release her," said the Mayor. "This investigation is officially null and void!"

"What?! You can't just do that!" Twilight protested.

"As a matter of fact, I can," said the Mayor smugly. "You see, Princess, you and your friends were never formally deputised. Thus, this investigation was never legal."

"But... Raven told us to-"

"Did any of you ever sign anything? Did she give you badges or anything like that?"

Each of the would-be detectives glanced sheepishly at their empty lapels.

"But still... I'm a Princess," said Twilight. "Surely that counts for something?"

"A Princess of Friendship," the Mayor clarified. "Last I checked, cultural figureheads do not hold judicial power. Read the constitution! And before anypony else brings it up, presiding over a swap-meet does not count."

"She's got you there, Twilight," said Pinkie Pie.

"So what, Derpy's just free to go?" asked Twilight in disbelief.

"Do you really want to arrest her?" asked Doctor Whoof.

Twilight said nothing, but she knew the answer deep down.

Sensing defeat (if it could be truly called that), Applejack bent down and untied Derpy's bonds, allowing her to sprint into her boyfriend's waiting embrace.

"Derpy Hooves," the Mayor announced. "I would like to apologise to you for the things I said and the things I did..."

"Or the things you wished you did," muttered Rainbow, earning her a giggle and a hoofbump from Pinkie.

"... and I apologise to all of you as well," the Mayor added, addressing the crowd. "I am truly sorry, and I can only hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me in the upcoming Spring election," she concluded with the sort of solemnity one can only attain through years of practise in a mirror.

Not that it didn't work, mind you.

"Three cheers for Mayor Mare!" yelled Raindrops.

Nopony was in any fit state to count at that moment, however, so they all settled for one long cheer as they hoisted the triumphant Mayor upon their shoulders and paraded her out into the night, leaving seven confused cosplayers in their wake.

The Brass Bit closed early that night. It had begun to snow again, the product of stray clouds from above the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash grumbled some about having to work overtime, but Fluttershy placated her with the observation that the snowflakes were pretty, and nopony would mind a little extra snow in the morning. Less optimistic was Twilight Sparkle, who sat dejectedly in the snow with her cowl pulled over her head.

"Hey Twilight, why the big frowny face?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Yeah, what's up with you?" added Rainbow. "We totally solved the big mystery; you should be stoked."

"What 'big mystery'?" asked Twilight. "The Mayor got drunk and called Derpy Hooves a bad name, so she hit her over the head with a picture frame. Not much of a 'big mystery'."

"But we did solve it," said Fluttershy encouragingly.

"Yes, we did. We wasted our entire day chasing our own tails in silly costumes, only for the culprit to get completely off the hook while the Mayor publicly embarrassed us in front of half the town. And the Crowns now owe about a thousand bits worth of property damage, that'll make a fun letter to the Princesses."

"Speaking of silly costumes, I suppose I can finally take this off," said Rarity, doffing her rumpled deerstalker. "I don't suppose we're going to finish that whodunnit puzzle after all?"

"Nah, I reckon I'm just about done with mysteries," said Applejack with a yawn. "Y'all got any ideas for next Wednesday night?"

"How about Oubliettes and Ogres?" suggested Spike.

"Oooh! I'm down with that," said Pinkie Pie. "I wanna' be a Jester!"

"And I'll be a Beastmistress," added Fluttershy.

"O&O it is," said Twilight with a shrug. "I'll ask Shining Armour to lend us one of his gamebooks..."

Twilight turned to head for home, before adding over her shoulder:

"And no costumes this time!"

...

"Nuts," grumbled Rainbow.