Judge Celestia: Upon the Throne of Justice
Part 4: The Most Hated Stallion
Noble Cause looked to one side of the courtroom, then the other. Seated behind one table was a single, crabby looking old stallion. His cutie-mark was a crying eye. On the other side was… how many had the paperwork said? Two-hundred and twenty plaintiffs? Why Celestia had agreed to this circus was beyond him, but the sudden out-pouring of cases against this singular stallion had caught the royal eye, and the white alicorn had commanded all of them be brought forth at the same time.
The massive stack of folders next to the baliff took up an entire long table. He had no idea which one to grab first, they all had the same case-date-sun-number! “Er…” the armored stallion murmured worriedly. Going down the dais and away from her Majesty, the stallion went over to the elderly stallion. Checking his paperwork, he spoke, “Mister… Tear Jerker, is it?” he asked, looking up. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Twilight?”
The stallion raised his right hoof and put it on the law book the guard was holding out for him. “I’ll swear by Celestia, thank you! I don’t care what those new zealots are saying about that purple pansy in Ponyville!” the stallion snapped angrily. Noble Cause cocked his head. Twilight was often sworn by in court as the alicorn of Books, Learning and Knowledge-- Law as well. To scorn her name was an insult to the court. Noble Cause glanced over his shoulder at Celestia. The white alicorn nodded once, neutral in the face.
Dreading this moment, Noble Cause went to the Plaintiff’s table. Two hundred ponies filled the right side of the courtroom (the audience had to stay out today, to make room for them all). He coughed twice, stamping a hoof for attention. “Everypony raise your right hoof!” he waited for the crowd to follow. Flapping his wings to be up where everypony could see him, he raised his voice again. “Do you… erm… do you ALL swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Twilight?!” he called out over them.
“YES!” the crowd concussed animatedly.
“Good!” he said, adjusting himself in midair to land. He checked the guards around the room. There were more than usual since it was such an unusual case, but everypony seemed awake and attentive at the moment, so it was safe. Returning to the dais, he went up and looked forlornly at the long-table. Taking a random folder, he turned and took it to Celestia.
The white alicorn took it, smiling at her baliff . Her large hoof passed over his smaller one, but nopony else was close enough to see. He gulped embarrassedly, returning to his post with a rather happy shiver. “Bright Bushy?” Celestia called.
“Here!” an earth pony mare elated. Stumbling out of the gaggle of plaintiffs she came to the table to be seen and heard properly.
“Ahem,” Celestia said, turning to address the grey older stallion. “Your name and vocation please, sir, for the court?”
“I’m Tear Jerker, author,” the unicorn stallion said gruffily. He lowered himself before her with some effort, bowing in a rather creaky way that made his back pop. It was an effort for Celestia not to wince, for his knobbly knees were a-quiver as he righted himself. “I wrote quite a few books in my time. Pretty successful if’n I do say so myself. I retired thirty-some-odd years ago.”
“And you, Bright Bushy? What is your profession?” Celestia asked, looking over at the mare.
“Gardening. I grow tomatoes, mostly,” Bright Bushy bowed before her highness.
“And you claim, Miss Bushy, that Tear Jerker…” she double-checked her paperwork, “Stole the tomato garden next to your house?”
“Yes’m,” she nodded firmly.
“That’s… hard to do, I imagine. How did he do that?” Celestia wondered.
“He came to me one day, outta the blue, saying my fence was in the wrong spot,” Bright Bushy said. “By the end of the afternoon he’d moved it by magic, and my garden was on the wrong side of my own fence!”
“Did you ask him about it? That is your livelihood after all.” Celestia said.
“I did, but he just yelled at me to get off his property!” Bright Bushy said, muzzle scrunched. “When I tried to transplant my tomato plants with pots and stuff, he chased me off with a stick!”
“A stick?” Celestia said, rather shocked.
“Yeah, then he sent me some paper that said it was all his now. I planted that garden, its mine!” Bright Bushy said, stamping a hoof. “He’s eatin’ my tomatoes that I grew!”
Celestia looked over at Tear Jerker, who nodded solemnly. “May I see this paper, Miss Bushy?” the alicorn asked. Noble Cause went to fetch it, and she looked it over. Ah, a land title deed. It was a standard legal document with a few phrases highlighted. Phrases like ‘as is’ and ‘including all resources, both natural and supernatural’ were highlighted extra hard. It was pretty binding. “What prompted you to suddenly want to move the fence, Tear Jerker?” Celestia asked gently.
“Tax season came around, and I noticed I was bein’ taxed for more land than I had. So I went to the hall of records to find a hard copy of my land’s deed and it showed where all the borders were, in black’n’white,” the elderly stallion said. “If she built a garden on my property that’s her own fault.”
“I see,” Celestia said, setting the paper aside. “You may step down, Miss Bushy. I will reveal my verdict at the end of this…” she made a sweeping gesture to the vast crowd out for Tear Jerker’s blood. “Case,” she finished plainly. Bushy bowed and was away. Celestia eyed the elderly stallion as she called the next pony forward, “Baby Bouncer?”
“Here!” Another mare came forward, with a heart and bottle on her flank. She was young in the face and just looking at her Celestia could see her big heart. “I’m Baby Bouncer, I run a daycare and sometimes a preschool in the proper seasons.” She introduced herself with a bow.
“According to your complaint, Tear Jerker contributed to the harm of a foal under your watch?” Celestia read the synopsis in a flash.
“Yes! I was out with only two foals that day, it was winter you see,” Baby Bouncer said. “My son, and his little friend.”
“Mhm?”
“I saw a charity collecting on the corner, but there was a splotch of ice in the way and I didn’t want my foals walking on it and falling and hurting themselves. I saw Mister Jerker sitting on a nearby bench with a coffee, and set my foals there.”
“Mhm?”
“I asked if he would watch them for a moment while I went to donate,” she gestured to one side.
“And what did he say?”
“Er… nothing really,” Baby Bouncer said.
“Then what happened?” Celestia asked.
“I went to put ten bits in the charity bin, and when I turned around my children were in the middle of the street!” Baby Bouncer elated. “Wandering around! My son was almost hit by a rushing carriage, he gave that cabbie a heart attack!”
“Was anypony hurt?” Celestia asked.
“No, but I’m suing for Foal Endangerment! I left them for ten seconds and they were out playing in traffic! He should’ve stopped them!” The young-faced mother squealed.
Celestia looked over at Tear Jerker. “Have you anything to say, Mister Jerker?”
“Her kids ain’t my responsibility.” The elderly stallion snarked. “I didn’t say I’d watch ‘em, and if they’re dumb enough to run and play in traffic maybe that’s for the better. Less dumb kids, make room for the smart foals that’ll survive in the real world.”
“You’re a monster! They weren’t even old enough to talk yet!” Miss Bouncer shrieked. “Who would wish that on a foal?!” she thrust an accusing hoof at him to make sure Celestia could see what a horrible pony he was.
“Thank you, that will be all Baby Bouncer,” Celestia said, nodding a bit. The flushed, nearly tearful mother bowed and quickly returned to the fold that was the massive plaintiff pool.
And so it was that the day wore on, case after case, complaint after complaint, all of them aimed at Tear Jerker. He had a perfectly snarky, mean-spirited, or plainly legal response for each and every one of them. Celestia watched the endless march of one pony after another, one slight or damage or shouting match after another. A same-sex couple that he’d shouted at in a park for smooching in broad-daylight. A repair pony that just couldn’t make a repair perfect enough for him. A painter that couldn’t make his house just the right shade of white and grey. There was a cemetery keeper that condemned him for spitting on somepony’s grave (somepony he’d hated). A pony that sold cigars who was always sworn and yelled at for carding the elderly stallion (it was the law, regardless of age). A group of students who were making a banner on the sidewalk that he’d walked over, smearing it to nothingness. There seemed to be no end in sight for the mountain of hate for this single pony. But, each of them was met with a perfectly legal response or rebuke on his part.
“What did you do before you retired to write books, Tear Jerker?” Celestia asked after the hundred-pony mark.
“I studied law, of course,” the elderly stallion smirked a bit. Ah. That explained it.
The sun had long set by the time the two-hundred-and-twentieth pony had come before Celestia with a problem with Tear Jerker-- A trio of Phillies that he’d taken a switch to for exploring his backyard without his permission (represented by an angry older sibling). Several of his cases had been simple trespassing, perfectly within his defense of home and property rights. The alicorn sighed when at last every case had been heard, and the judgement was to be made.
“I will question the defendant a bit more, and then make my ruling,” Celestia announced, stamping a hoof for quiet. “Tear Jerker, have you ever heard of the Spirit of the Law?”
“Yes, it’s a book,” Tear Jerker said. “A pony wrote it to describe the motivations of the equestrian citizen and to dictate the powers of the government in black and white, according to its own definitions.” He smiled rather fondly at the thought of the book. He did enjoy worming his way along in legal speak and terms.
“Then you certainly know the difference in law between a Diarchy and a Despotist government?” Celestia’s tone shifted just a little. Noble Cause’s ear turned. There was that shift again. The one he sometimes heard when Celestia was about to make her checkmate move in a case.
“Er, yes of course,” the stallion thought for a few long moments, as if trying to recall. “It dictates that a Diarchy is bound by the laws it creates, and a Despotist Government… that the powers are above the law.” His ears slowly wilted down as he spoke. “That they can do whatever they like, to the point of cruel oppression.” The crowd behind the plaintiff’s table jeered, and there was eager murmuring, wondering what sort of lightning the Princess would call down on him for all these slights against them.
“I imagine the entire town must know your name, Tear Jerker,” Celestia sighed softly, giving Noble Cause the stack of folders next to her. The baliff bowed and returned them to the table.
“I don’t care if they do,” the stallion said, shaking his head.
“I don’t think you understand, my little pony,” Celestia’s eyes were soft, in a way. “I am, and always will be, half of a Diarchist government. Therefore I am bound by the laws that run Equestria, as the Spirit of the Law so elegantly says.” She lowered her voice for a moment, shaking her head at the stallion. Was that… pity, in her eyes? “If it were within my legal powers to punish you, I would,” she admitted wistfully, turning her head to one side with a rather guilty expression. “Like a mother to her foal, I would punish and embarrass you for all these slights. But I cannot. You have caused so much misery amongst my little ponies, you have no idea. Or rather, I believe you do, and I believe you revel in it.” Celestia said, looking at the rather poisonous creature. “Your community at large seems to revile you. Therefore I must hand down the most terrible punishment imaginable to you, without leeway or leniency—within the bounds of the Diarchy of Equestria.”
The stallion’s pupils shrank into dots at the mention of punishment. “Wh-what do you mean?” The jeering in the crowd to the right increased. They couldn’t wait to hear the sentence handed down. Ponies across Equestria, listening in on the radio, waited with baited breath.
“As you have not explicitly broken any laws that I can see-- in each and every case brought before me today, I find you innocent of all charges.”
The explosion of shouting and anger and disbelief knocked out more than a few radios all across Equestria. The windowsills shook, the palace staff panicked, and another squad of guards flooded the room to herd the angry mob away. Two-hundred and twenty shouting ponies were forced from the courtroom, a few arrests were made, and one guard got a black eye for his trouble.
When at long last there was quiet only Celestia, Noble Cause, and Tear Jerker remained. The silence resounded like a tomb, there in the throne room. The alicorn would not let go of Tear Jerker’s gaze. She merely stared at him—wondered if the implications had set in yet. “Thank you, your majesty,” the elderly stallion said in awe. With that, he slowly walked from the courtroom— all alone. Celestia hung her head.
There was a long silence. Noble Cause turned to look at her. She chanced a glance up at him. His eyes bore both confusion and concern. He didn’t quite understand, but he did not voice it. It was her Majesty’s court, not his. She jumped when she saw Luna in the doorway, “Sister,” Luna said, looking at her with awe. “I was listening on the radio— I’ve not heard such cruelty from you in a long time.”
“E-Excuse me a moment, I’ll clean myself up and come to dinner,” Celestia turned rather quickly to go to her chambers behind the throne.
Noble Cause watched her go.
Luna walked to stand beside Noble Cause, watching Celestia quickly shut the door behind herself. The slight jar of the frame said the mighty alicorn was leaning against it on the inside. “We expect thee to be extra charming at tonight’s dinner, to cheer her up,” Luna bade him a warning, scowling at Noble’s handsome face.
“Dinner?!” he asked, wings blimping open in shock.
“The one you’ll be attending with us tonight,” Luna nodded to make it official. “She will need many confections and your pleasant male company after what she just did. Think of yourself as comfort food, stallion, for a sad mare.”
“What she just did…?” Noble murmured, still not comprehending.
“She could’ve punished him. She should have punished him. But, that miserable stallion was within the bounds of the law on every count, with every complaint, each and every time,” Luna told him. “He was not, legally, guilty of any crimes.”
“But all those ponies--!”
“Will hate him for the rest of his miserable life,” Luna said gravely. Silence let the sentence sink in. “He could have worked with his community, found some middle ground, but neigh, he used the law to not only start problems, but to enflame them around himself— and got away with it.” The dark alicorn sighed. “My sister was far crueler— rather than punishing him with some obscure public menace law— letting him punish himself. He will die, old and alone and miserable, in his home. And nopony will care. Ever. They will only hate his memory,” she shook her head with a sigh.
Noble Cause wilted, staring at the door of Celestia’s judge chambers. “That’s so sad…” he murmured softly, ears going down.
“Yes, and my sister bears that burden now.” Luna said, turning to look at him. “Call her a cute name at dinner, yes? She went by ‘Cellie’ when she was a teenage filly. She might like that.”
“Er-right!” Noble Cause said, nodding and bowing. “I’ll be there as soon as I’ve scrubbed and turned in my gear, your Majesty!” He turned and marched away. It didn’t really hit him that he’d been invited to a royal dinner until about halfway through his shower, much less what that really meant. “Extra-charming…” he murmured as he rinsed his mane. Tear Jerker’s fate kept replaying in his head, over and over again, along with Celestia's expression. Her poor eyes had been so soft in that moment of judgement delivery. She'd known exactly what she was doing, and she'd hated it. “She really does care for all of us, doesn’t she…?” he whispered. He watched the water drain at his hooves in thoughtful silence for a long, long time
He kind of wanted to care for her now. More than just a guard or a baliff. He smiled bashfully to himself, staring up at the raining showerhead. Dinner would be a good place to start.
End of Case #4