//------------------------------// // M // Story: Apple Loader // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// "Heavens to Betsy!" Whirrr—CLACK! Whirrr—CLACK! Applejack trotted down the line of dresses with a dumb grin on her freckled face. "You've really outdone yerself, this time!" "Mmmmm!" Rarity clapped her hooves from where she reclined on the rickshaw. "I know!" Spike lay in a breathless heap beside her. "What do you think?" "Well, they're all mighty gorgeous!" Applejack blushed slightly. "Not that I'm a fancy judge or nothin'. My expertise is apple buckin', not runway struttin'." "Precisely!" Rarity pointed. "Which is why I made them all out of extra-durable materials! And—look! No frills! Just plain and simple, as you love them!" "Darn tootin'! I've never been all that much into fru-fruey nonsense!" "I couldn't agree more!" Rarity smiled with a slight twitch. "For that reason, I made sure that this ensemble was the veritable... nnngh... antithesis of 'fru-fru.'" She gulped. "And look! They're so breezy too! J-just perfect for those long, sweltering days when you'd be bucking the apple trees... you know..." She clenched her teeth. "On yer hooves... out in the open." "Uh huh!" Applejack stared at her, grinning. Dead silence. "So!" Rarity exclaimed melodically. "Ahem. Since you... uh... do seem to adore them so much, how about..." She coughed. "...kindly stepping out of that old gift I gave you and consider trying on these new gifts?!" She grinned plastically. "All twenty-four supremely expensive hoof-stitched gifts!" "Why, that's a mighty fine idea, Rarity!" Whirrrrr! She pivoted to face her. "I just have one question." "Er... wh-what's that?" Rarity's eyelashes fluttered. "Do you got any of 'em in size two hundred?" Rarity's ears drooped, as did her muzzle. "Size... t-t-two hundred?" "Heh... y'know..." Cl-Cl-Clak! She pointed at herself with a metal limb. "So I could put 'em on the suit!" "... ... ..." Rarity's eyes rolled back. "E-e-e-e-euhhh—!" THWOMP! She and the rickshaw fell over, fainting. "ALRIGHT! THAT TEARS IT!" Applejack's blinking eyes darted to the sky. "Who in tarnation—?!" SWOOOSH! Rainbow Dash dove out of the clouds, frowning into Applejack's metal cage. "Me! Me in tarnation!" "I'm afraid I don't speak 'raspy,' darlin'." "You're getting out of that suit and you're getting out of it right now!" Rainbow growled. "Hah! Are y'all kiddin'?" Applejack chuckled. "Silly Rainbow. Me and this here apple loader are inseparable!" "Oh yeah?! Wanna test that theory?!" Rainbow Dash reached in, yanking at Applejack's fuzzy limbs. "Come on! I'll tear you out in little freckled pieces!" "Now now, sugarcube..." Applejack frowned, clamping a pair of claws around Rainbow's figure. Sch-Schlack! "T'ain't good manners to mess with another pony's thangs. How'd you like if it I waltzed in on your lawn and tore the pages out of one of them adventure books of yers?!" "Gnnngh!" Rainbow wheezed, her blue face turning bluer. "The difference is, AJ, that reading Daring Do doesn't make me tear down half of Ponyville like a dumb ox!" "Pfft! Whatcha gabbin' on about now?!" Applejack chuckled. "So what if Ponyville's goin' up in smoke every now and then! You can't rightly blame that on me!" "Applejack—" "Why, you can't swing a dead cat without some temperamental cosmic bear or swarm of parasprites takin' pot-shots at the town every darn Tuesday!" "Applejack, it's you!" Rainbow Dash sputtered. "It's been nothing but you! You trashed the market district! You smashed craters inside Sugarcube Corner! You turned a rodeo into Whinny War Three!" "But... I..." Applejack's face winced, her freckles slick with sweat. "That was all me? But... b-but how...?" "Wearing this stupid apple loader thingy has blinded you!" At last, Rainbow Dash wriggled her way out of the claws. Breathing easier, she perched on the metal limb and gazed compassionately at her friend. "Look... I get that you're having fun! What's more, I understand that it's totally a rare thing for you! But—take it from a mare who likes to party a little too hard sometimes." Applejack squinted accusingly. Sometimes?" "There!" Rainbow Dash pointed with a smirk. "There's the super-serious Applejack I know!" She leaned forward, gripping the bars of the metal chassis. "AJ, deep down, you're a honest pony who can take the honest truth! The other gals and I—we j-just couldn't bear to hurt your feelings when you've just now stumbled upon something that you really get a kick out of! And it's not like we don't want you to have fun! We do! It's just that you can't seem to realize that all this apple loader nonsense is only—" She paused. Slowly, her head tilted up to glance at the top of the hulking machine. "...okay, sorry. What in the buck is that." "What?! Oh, you mean this?!" Applejack flipped a switch, spinning a servo-controlled turret at the top of her rigging. Whirrrrrrrrr! "Neat, huh?" "It looks like an anti-artillery cannon," Rainbow Dash droned. "That's because it is one!" Applejack pointed to where her hat dangled off the viciously curved magazine casing. "I had it attached just this mornin'! Got a sweet discount on the upgrade too!" "What in Princess Cadance's pretty lacy pink name for?!" "Well, mainly just for show." Applejack grinned. She bit her lip. "Mmmm... also, secondly, to scare off the vampire fruit bats. You know how much they bother me somethin' fierce." "Uh huh." "Oooh!" Applejack grinned and gripped a pair of triggers. "There's one now!" RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! "Vamoose, ya crazy varmint!" Rainbow gripped her ears, wincing. She watched as the ground around them was littered all over with 0.50 caliber shells. Then, seconds later, a smoldering thing with leathery wings fell to the ground—smoldering all over with burnt embers. "Hah! Ya see?!" Applejack pointed. "I scared the lil' sucker asleep!" "Uhhh... actually, AJ, I think you killed it." Applejack blinked. Wriiiiii! She pivoted to look at the burning bat. "... ... ..." Wriiii! She pivoted back to face Rainbow Dash. "Or maybe it's just playin' possum." "Okay, playtime's over!" Rainbow took a deep breath and bit onto one of the many yellow bars of the chassis. "Rrrrrrrrnghh—grrnnkkt—comff onff!" Applejack sighed. "Rainbow, darlin', what in the hay are you doing?" "Tryinffff—grrrrffff—too popfff thisfff thinfff looff! Grnnngghhff!" "It dun work that way, sugarcube. Only I can dismantle it on the inside." "Ptooiie!" Rainbow glared at her. "You've gotta be kidding me!" "Says so right in the manual!" "Applejack, enough is enough! You've become a weapon of mass destruction! You've turned your back on your friends! And now I hear that you're reading?! It's time to hop out of this thing for good!" "I have not turned my back on my friends!" Applejack frowned, planting her steam-powered limbs on her metal hips. CL-CLANK! "If nothin' else, I now have the power to help every pony in this town real proper-like! Heck, I can even be more loyal than you!" "Oh yeah?!" Rainbow sneered. "Prove it!" "I'd be glad to!" Applejack smirked. "Yer always wantin' me to help you with yer Wonderbolts tricks, right?" "Uhhhhhhhhhhh... Right!" Cl-Clap! Rainbow's pupils shrank as she saw the claw once again clamping over her figure. "Wr-wrong!" her voice cracked. "Well, now I can do that no problem!" Applejack licked her lips and hoisted her limb back, aiming Rainbow Dash for the sky. Wreeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ch-Chtung! "Remind me, how does this here trick go again?!" "Applejack, p-put me down, now!" "I launch you into the sky—right? That's step number one, ain't it?" "I mean it!" "Then you do several loopty-loops with the velocity I give ya—" "No, Applejack!" "Well, dun you worry yer fuzzy lil' head about it!" "I-I said 'No!'" "This'll get you into the Wonderbolts lickety-split or else my cutie mark ain't apples!" "Darn it, Applejack, 'No' means NO!" "Alley—" WHIRRRRRRRRRR! "—oop!" FWOOOOOOOOOOSH! "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaplejaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaa-aa-ack!" Rainbow's voice hollered as she soared off into the horizon, becoming a little twinkling speck against the wild blue yonder. "Yer welcome!" Applejack grinned, staring up into the sky as she flexed her limb. "Now... if only I could get a banjo attached to this thang... Whew!" Just then, a little orange shape scampered up over the horizon. "Applejack! Applejack! You gotta come quick!" "Whoah, there, Scootaloo!" The mare stepped back on thundering metal legs. "Don't get too close, or yer liable to become an orange stain! Heheheh... hehhhhh..." She smiled drunkenly. "That there's apple loader humor." "No time for that!" Scootaloo pointed, shivering, over the hill. "This is about Apple Bloom!" "Oh? Did the lil' filly forget her lunch again?! Heheh—honestly, where would she be without me?!" "How about being beaten to a little fuzzy pulp by a bunch of rampaging outdoor furniture?!" Whirrrrrr! Applejack leaned over. "I beg yer pardon?!" "Okay..." Scootaloo took a deep, deep, deep breath. "So Apple Bloom was feeling extra super sad about how distant you've been lately on account of that stupid apple loader that all of your best friends hate but pretend to tolerate because they don't wanna hurt your feelings and then Sweetie Belle thought it might be a really swell idea to get Apple Bloom to fall into some peril only not real-peril just fake-peril but then the fake-peril turned into some really super duper ultra hyper dangerous peril and now we got a bunch of lampposts and benches and other random crap attacking us and I just barely got away in time to run here and tell you so that you can do something really heroic and save your little sister and turn back into the big sister who Apple Bloom remembers but really really misses!" The filly wheezed, then stood dead-still, blinking. "... ... ... wait, did you just launch Rainbow Dash into the sky?!" "Apple Bloom...?!" Applejack hyperventilated from inside the rattling chassis. "In t-trouble...?!" She gulped. "Being attacked?!" Just then, the ear-splitting screams of two fillies echoed over the hillsides. Whirrrrrrrr! Applejack stood up straight, gritting her teeth. "Oh, for the love of powdered milk—HOLD ON, APPLE BLOOM!" She reached a hoof up and slapped a switch. A tiny yellow strobelight flickered to light at the top of the machine. "I'M A'COMIN'!" THUD! TH-THUD! THUD! TH-THUD! THUD! TH-THUD! Applejack stormed down the country road at breakneck speeds, shaking the leaves and trees all around. Scootaloo watched the heavy mech make tracks. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed in a tired heap beside Rarity and the rickshaw. A few seconds later, Spike sat up, eyes crossed. "'Powdered milk?!'"