Blah Blah Blah, Punched Celestia in Face
I punched Celestia in the face, my hoof rippling across her divine cheek. Spit and cake flew from her mouth, flying into the air in a glorious spray. I continued my blow, commanding my hoof to drive through Celestia’s face. Her head turned a sharp ninety degree’s. Bringing my other hoof up, I uppercut her, sending her head backwards in a painful jerk. Her whole body followed suit. The biggest pony in all of Equestria, falling out of her chair down to the floor. Triumphantly, I posed before the guards tackles me to the ground.
“No, wait!” I screamed, “She’s an imposter, a changeling, wot!” It was to no avail. The guards pinned me to the ground, yelling not to move. Of course I fought back and received a good couple of kicks to the ribs. It didn’t take much to bring me down. I was an earth pony with the weight of a pegasus. That left me as the skinniest pony in Ponyville. Would you believe I served in the Royal Guard for four years? No? Well, I did, and I knew Celestia very well. “She’s a changeling chaps, a changeling I say, I say!” They kicked me again.
“ENOUGH!” Boomed the royal Canterlot voice. I froze, realization hitting my gut harder than any guard could ever kick me. Slowly, I turned my head up, the rest of me to hurt to move, and gazed into the burning eyes of my princess. I had made a mistake, again. “Blah Blah Blah,” she started her voice now calm and gentle. It sent shivers up my spine. “You just punched me, twice.”
“Y-Yes my lady, I thought, I thought you were a, a changeling! A spy!” I exclaimed. But truly, I sounded much like my friend Fluttershy. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn to dust.
“A changeling spy? Last month it was a griffin assassin.” Celestia placed a hoof to her jaw, working it back and forth for a moment. She rolled her eyes, wincing occasionally. The princess took a pause, her tongue playing inside her mouth before spitting out a bloody tooth into her hoof. I stared at it in horror. She looked from me to the tooth, her eyes void of emotion. “I will need to see a witch doctor for this. The closest being Zecora. If I recall, she has a stock of tooth potions for the ponies of Ponyville. This has gone out of hoof long enough Mr. Blah.”
I struggled to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. “I-I’m sorry my lady, it won’t happen again, wot.”
“No, it won’t.” Her horn slowly took on an ethereal glow. I was going to die a horrible death. She was going to banish me to the sun where I’d burn up into a crisp. Normally, I would consider myself a rather bold and brave pony, but when you have the goddess of the sun preparing to destroy you, it transformed anypony into a cowering ball of misery.
My vision filled with a blinding light. And then, I was gone.
oO0Oo
Slowly, I opened my eyes. My injuries had been healed and I felt renewed. Picking myself up, I found that Celestia had teleported me into an office of some kind. A mare on the other side of an old antique wood desk stared at me expectantly. It was the expecting look of a pony who had asked a question. “Uhm, can you repeat that, wot?” I greeted her.
“Mr. Blah, I’ll ask you one more time, and only one more. Did you assault one of the princesses?” The mare took her glasses off the bridge of her nose. She stared me down with turquoise eyes.
“Yes, I punched Celestia twice, madam.” I curtly replied, regaining my old confidence. I wasn’t dead, that meant I could atone for my mistake. I knew the princess personally, she wouldn’t just throw me away like that. I had been silly to think such. “Twice madam.” I repeated, now smirking. Not every day I had the privilege of saying those words.
“Mr. Blah, I suggest you consider your current circumstances. You are in grave trouble.”
“Do I have a trial? If not, I’ll be on my way home.”
“No, Mr. Blah, you do not have a trial date.”
“Very well madam, I’ll be on my way, wot wot.” I turned to leave but found the room with no doors. I blinked. Slowly turning again I took note of the horn atop of the mare’s head. “Aw, I see I am in a bit of wax. Tell me madam, wot am I doin’ here?”
“Celestia loves all of her subjects and works to offer a fair opportunity for them to learn. A second chance, even those who assault her personally. Your file is rather impressive Mr. Blah, far from that of the average pony. To put it simple, it’s unique. Your very talent is in punching. You are a private detective and use your skills to uncover changeling spie-“
“Not just changelings my lady, I’ve punched a good deal of beasts!” I declared, thumping my chest proudly.
“Ahem, as I was saying. You are perhaps one of the few interesting projects that come across my desk. I will be your parole officer from this point on.” She took a pause, allowing her words to sink in. Parole officer meant serious business. Mess up with one of them, and you go to Tartarus. Slowly, my confidence fell back down to a respective level. She continued where she left off. “Thirty seven counts of assault, thirty eight including our princess. You are an irresponsible single stallion with an impulsive need to knock the teeth out of ponies. I can think of one solution that will make everypony happy, even you.”
I flicked my ears, intrigued. Make me happy? I wasn’t sure I heard her right. If I messed up I’d be in some serious trouble. No, correction, I was already in trouble. But this was the princess’s patients and love pulling through, even after receiving two mighty fine blows, she landed me here in front of this mare. I wasn’t going to be the one to question it. I’d leave that up to you.
The mare smiled, seeing that she had captured my attention. “Your sentence for assaulting the princess is a simple one. You will return to your home under house arrest. You will have the time of six months to find a mare and marry her. During this time, you’ll perform community service every Friday from dusk to dawn. A simple solution really.”
I looked around the office, my gaze traveling the book shelves that lined the walls, filled with colorful tomes. With a lite chuckle I stepped forward. “I’m not sure I heard you right, did you say find a, girlfriend, and… marry her?”
“Yes, and every Friday in the evening you’ll be teleported here for a weekly checkup on your progress to rehabilitation. Understanding your particular issue, the princess has allowed for a margin of error. Punch a pony, get teleported here immediately. We will discuss why you assaulted that pony. Then I will teleport you back, and you will get an apology. But be warned, without a written apology by Friday evening, your parole will be violated and I will be forced to send you to Tartarus where every day the guard will punch you. In the face. Repeatedly. For the next five years.” The mare fixed her spectacles again, staring me down. My mouth loosely hung on its hinges.
I closed my mouth, taking in a breath. “Is this some kind of sick joke? Give me a trial, and if I’m found guilty, I’ll take my sentence, wot.”
The mare chuckled. “Sir, you most surely will be found guilty. This is your sentence. The princess works in odd ways. Now, before I send you back to retrieve a written apology from the princess, I have one question. Why did you punch Celestia, in the face, twice?”
I blinked, trying hard to wrap my head around the absurd sentence. Celestia was known for her sense of humor, but this was just a bit twisted and simply stupid. I’m allowed a margin of error? I’m to find a mare and marry her? It was absolutely preposterous! Taking in a calming breath, I stared into the turquoise eyes of the unicorn parole officer. “Madam, I believed she was a changeling spy, hired by the enemies of Equestria. The way she ate her cake, wasn’t very Celestia of her, wot. No, she ate it like a lady. I know Celestia personally from my time in the Royal Guard. Celestia never ate her cake so dainty like. I knew something was off, I knew she was a spy.” I paused, slowly walking to the desk.
The mare stared at me expectantly. Meaning to climb atop her desk, I was stopped by a shield. Making a face, I continued my story without the representation of my glorious pose. “So I climbed onto her table. She greeted me very unusual like, staring at me as if I were crazy. We talked for a spell, me sitting on the table in front of her. And then I asked her a very important question only Celestia would know.”
“And what was that Mr. Blah.” The mare inquired, leaning forward a bit.
I put my hoof against her shield. “What my hoof size was.”
The mare on the other side of the desk didn’t faze a bit. She blinked, giving me that ever expectant gaze. I finished my tale, feeling a bit stupid now. “She answered wrong… and I, I punched her. Twice.” Huh, I really didn’t think this whole thing through.
“Sir, you are what my son calls, a boob. Have a nice day.” Without so much as a goodbye, my vision filled with light and I was sent away, back to the princess in ponyville.