//------------------------------// // Chapter One: On the Verge of Insanity // Story: Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis // by RandomEncounter //------------------------------// Disclaimer:  We all know who owns My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic.  Or maybe we all don't; but I can tell you I don't, cause I'm poor!  Also, there is some language, and references to more adult topics.  You have been warned! Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis Chapter One:  On the Verge of Insanity Author:  RandomEncounter Editors:  00Lizard and Meliron ~'.'~'.'~ I always hated writing papers in school.  Not because I sucked at them; quite the opposite in fact.  No, the reason I always hated papers is I suck at beginning them.  I can write really well after the beginning.  But it is always the beginning that made the bottle of tequila I kept on my desk look so appealing. And that's the crucial part, the beginning of the story.  It's the hook!  The means of grabbing your attention!  Without it, why would you keep reading?  I cannot count the number of times a good story lost my attention because the first few paragraphs sucked. ... Oh, where are my manners?  Here you are listening to my rambles about the useless and mundane nuisances of storytelling and you don't even know a damn thing about me.  That is just being a poor host on my part. So... where shall I begin then?  A name, maybe?  Well, my name is Shaun Andrew Davis.  Very unassuming name if I do say so myself.  Age next, perhaps?  I’m currently twenty-two at the moment.  Interestingly enough, that factors into my current predicament. Hmm, I suppose I should make sure that you know I’m male, just in case the name was not any indication to go by.  I’d like to give you some credit and say you knew that and it was obvious... but then I might be setting myself up for disappointment.  As a side note, I'd also like to think I am handsome, though my current status as "single" makes me question otherwise. Let's see, what's next... ah!  I'm currently employed at Best Buy, working full time while finishing up a certification to teach to young minds.  Turns out getting a Bachelor's in History only ensured I'd be working at this hell hole for another year and a half while I made myself more "marketable."  Well, really any Liberal Arts degree seems to suffer from this problem. ... But at least I didn't go for an Art degree. Wait, hold on, just one second; please put that chair down!  Now... before you grab a torch and pitchfork, I'm not saying that all of these degrees are worthless.  I'm just saying that society at large may simply undervalue the study of the Arts and the Liberal Arts.  And it's not like having an Art degree is bad either. The manager at my local GameStop has one and he's doing just fine! Anyway, I apologize for my story starting out like this.  I can assure you, on a regular day I manage to keep my swearing and snarky nature to a minimum.  Buuuuuuuuut, screw that.  At the moment, this isn't a normal day... oh, and I'm hungover.  So deal with it, I'll be better tomorrow... maybe.  I mean, I haven't even told you what's happening to me right now, have I?   Maybe you'll forgive me then! … Or maybe not.  At this point in time your opinion doesn't matter to me much.  Well, maybe a little... okay a freaking lot.  I am telling you my story after all.  Throwing me a bone of pity would be nice considering the situation I currently find myself in. Moving on, let's establish the setting next.  I’m not quite sure where I am exactly, but currently I seem to be tied up in an admittedly cushiony dungeon of a castle that looks like something my six-year old niece could have thought up.  The type that just casually hangs off the side of a mountain, basically defying most laws of physics and stone construction.  Little things like that... On a side note, I really wish whoever had built this place had not installed a window in this cell.  Hell, if Walt Disney could've seen this place while strung out on meth, even he would have said, "Yeah, that castle looks like a fucking bad idea."  Oh, and the best part is... I'm stuck in the middle of this damn deathtrap waiting to happen! 'Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!' ... ... Ehem, you'll have to accept my apologies, I'm still somewhat freaking the hell out here. Anyway, where were we?  … Oh yeah!  Did I happen to mention that this place is filled with talking ponies?  No, seriously, talking ponies.  Wait a moment, take a breath, and let that sink in.  Freaking... talking... alive as you and me... although maybe I'm dead and this is my hell... ponies.  And sadly, the only thing I can think of at the moment is screw you, Will Smith, I have your 'weird-shit-o-meter' topped at the moment. Ah, Men in Black, good stuff.  Well... the first movie at least.         … No, I’m not drunk or high either, so just don’t even ask that.  I may have been one of those earlier, but I assure you that I am in full control of my faculties.  At least at this particular moment.  That could change at any time with how things are going... Okay, I’ll admit that I get sidetracked a lot, so sue me.  This is my mind, and you are partaking of its intricacies.  If I had a damn to give, I would pity you right now.  I’m being serious too!  One damn, and it would be yours.  I mean, even in a normal situation, I would consider a trip through my thoughts some form of cruel and unusual punishment.  And let’s face it... this isn’t normal at the moment. At least I'm not the only one suffering, heh. So yeah, back to me being stuck in a castle full of talking ponies.  I've got to concentrate more on the topic at hand, lest you decide to up and leave this tale of mine.  Please don’t, however, I need the human companionship! Now, you may ask how did I, a seemingly average human, end up here in a mythical land of talking equines?  Oh, I'm sure you are sitting there expecting a grand tale, filled with mystery, adventure, excitement, and wonder.  And from the bottom of my heart, I wish I could give you that.  No, I’m being serious.  I really I do.  Sadly though, all I have to say is... too bad, it happened fast and I was drunk for all of it! That's right, you get a story, pieced together entirely from my memory, with an added bonus of a built in beer goggles perspective.  You must feel so lucky at this point in time. ~'.'~'.'~ Now, let’s see here.  What I remember clearly is that yesterday was my twenty-second birthday.  Thank you for the happy birthday you more than likely thought of saying; and if you didn’t think that I don’t care - you did in my mind. So, as many of us young males are prone to do, my idea of celebrating a birthday being young and over the age of twenty-one involved going to a bar with my good friends and being entertained with bottle after bottle of beer.  Also, glass after glass of something.  Not too sure what at that point in time... If you think that you have a better idea how to celebrate a birthday... no you don't. Now, my friends and I are a responsible lot and no one can say otherwise.  We naturally did not drive to the bar, but instead walked, knowing that we would be stumbling back home.  I mean, hell, no one wants to be the designated driver; that always freaking sucks.  And better stumbling than drunk driving, right?  I mean, I'm not afraid of something bad happening to me while drunk driving, it almost never happens that way.  Rather, it seems everything bad happens mostly to the victims of drunk driving instead.  That has never made sense to me. Was that a bit too morbid?  Sorry, but like I said, you are getting a full dose of my mind.  Abandon hope, all who enter. Back to the story.  So, at the bar we had initiated a war of extermination against any and all alcohol in front of us.  It was brutal, and no prisoners were taken.  After a few rounds I was sure each bottle was screaming at me for mercy.  Let's just say, many a six pack were mourning the loss of a loved one that evening. Towards two in the morning, details... well, they start to get a little blurry.  I think I remember Josh getting sick and throwing up in the stall marked "out of order" in the bathroom.  Chris was wasted and hitting on a six that dressed like she had at least two STD's.  And Danny, the most sober of us all, damn him to hell, had just picked a fight with the bartender.  A few minutes later and the bouncers had expertly shown why they are named such. Not leaving Danny to hang, and fearing the arrival of the cops, I came to the realization that it was probably a good time to leave at that point.  After dragging Josh out of the fine establishment, we both picked him up, slinging an arm over each of our shoulders, and proceeded to haphazardly make our way back home. As for Chris, he was nowhere to be seen, and I could only assume that he and that six were preoccupied in a bathroom stall.  Or janitor’s closet.  Or maybe he would actually make it to someone's bed this time.  Or even his own bed!  You never know... miracles do happen.  Right? Stumbling along down the streets, we eventually dropped Josh off at his house first.  Well, by at his house I mean we left him in the front yard.  And by dropped... well I do mean dropped.  He'll be okay though.  Our ancestors used to live in the wild after all.  One night in the open won't harm him.  Besides, his wife would wake up in the morning and drag him inside for us.  No harm, no foul.  And she is a sweetie... aside from the fact that she keeps nagging him to get new friends.  Apparently our alcohol excursions were taking their toll on his marriage.   Oh well, not my problem. Danny was luckier than Josh.  By the time we had arrived at his house, he had regained most of his senses, so he was able to get the key in the door, wave goodbye, call me a few... “friendly” names, and make his way inside.  As I began to stumble the last block to my apartment I could hear a crash from inside Danny's house.  It was quickly followed by a light turning on and high pitched screaming; like the wails of a banshee.   Okay, so maybe Danny wasn't as lucky... his girlfriend was not so sweet. I continued on, not really noticing the tiny droplets of water landing on me.  It wasn't until a moment later, when a loud boom overhead got my attention, I realized a storm was coming.  I recall feeling it begin rain... and then holding my hand out, palm up, to check to make sure it was raining. ... Remember, I had dulled senses and was drunk.  Tired of telling you these things... Now, had I been sober, I might very well have cared about the dangers of being in a thunderstorm.  Yet, as we have already established, I was not sober, and perhaps as far from it as I could be and still stand up straight-ish.  So were you to ask, what possessed me to laugh, pick up a nearby tree branch from someone's front yard, and scream "I have the power," at the top of my lungs, I would be unable to give you a good answer.  Well, aside from I was freaking drunk. Will that be acceptable?  Yes?  Good, moving on. There was a white flash, followed by a loud boom, and I suddenly found myself free-falling, being pulled, pushed, squished, and flipping all at the same time.  It only lasted for a few seconds, and luckily my alcohol stayed down during the process. And just like that I found myself landing somewhat roughly on a cold stone surface.  "The fucking hell," was all I managed to get out.  I opened my eyes to see myself in what looked like a meeting room of sorts.  Oh, and it was full of small white armored horses, err ponies; all of them wide eyed and staring at me. Well, if this is what drunk Shaun's brain wants, I'll be very obliged to entertain the nuisance. I slowly stood up, wobbling a bit trying to stay upright, dusted myself off, and tried to look as non-hostile as possible.  I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and slurred, "We come in peace.  Take... me to your leader.  Re-s... sistance is... futile." Needless to say, the armored ponies were kind enough to help me with my balance issues, quickly forcing me to the ground for my safety.  Though, really it wasn't necessary for all seven of them to pin me in a pony pile.  I guess they thought I might hurt myself otherwise.  I most assuredly however, would be perfectly fine on my own.  In fact, I could already see the darkness quickly coming on to help with the whole process... ~'.'~'.'~ Well, now that we have caught up to the present situation, perhaps you've pardoned some of my....strange ways.  I mean, honestly, ask yourself if you would have done better in my situation.  Maybe you would have, although perhaps some of you may have vomited on the floor instead.  Remember, I was really wasted when the whole lightning ride to another dimension happened.  Do you think that was a smooth ride?  Trust me, it wasn't.  If you want to know what it was like, go drink yourself silly, then ride a roller coaster.  The experience would be similar. Sure, I had wondered why I had woken up, bound, in a cell that looked appropriate in a mental institution.  I may have had a hard time for a moment accepting the fact that the guards outside were armored pony pegasi that stood half my height.  And yeah, I might have temporarily lost control of my senses and ability to think, and screamed random incoherent thoughts for the better part of an hour or so when one of the guards asked me to be quiet.  But, all in all, I'd say I did a damn fine job of accepting the situation after that initial breakdown. Perhaps the situation would have been better if, when I first arrived, I hadn't somehow managed to appear in the middle of the guards barracks.  Fate has it in for me it seems. I'm not sure how much time had passed before I heard voices outside my cell door.  There was a clunk of the door being unlocked, and four of those Pegasus guards entered my cell.  Not long after a new pony, one that was much taller, with wings... and a unicorn's horn I kid you not, entered.   She, I assumed it was a she as her pastel rainbow colored hair suggested, was followed by a small purple unicorn Through skillful deduction, and the fact that tall one was wearing a freaking tiara, I surmised I was either in the presence of the pony ruler, or the equivalent of their royalty.  That was my best guess at least.  And if you think I'm being an idiot then how about this:  what would you say if I asked whether or not ponies were ruled by winged unicorns? Yeah, no answer, huh?  I thought so... The ruler pony looked at me with a small smile before saying, "My name is Princess Celestia.  I'm an alicorn, to answer your question.  And yes, I am also the leader of this country you find yourself in, Equestria." "Oh, that makes sense," I nodded before blinking and looking at her strangely.  "But... I didn't ask any of that out loud..."  It took me a few confused seconds to realize the impossible, although after today I will need to redefine that particularly troublesome word - it was failing me horribly at the moment.  Anyway, back to the main point... I think this "alicorn" had just read my mind.   Or at least I thought she did.  Perhaps she just assumed that I did not know what she was and was simply being informative?  I mean, damn, it would be bad if she could read my thoughts, right?  The last thing I need is a fairy tale ruler seeing my mind.  Especially if she saw images of the ex and I going at it in bed.  I mean, the sex was good, but the bitch was ultimately crazy.  No, really, she apparently had a nervous breakdown a few months after we broke up.  And no, it wasn't my fault; she just couldn't reconcile with the restraining order.  But wait... if this alicorn can read minds then... I looked at the princess in front of me, and was only slightly surprised when I saw her eyes widened slightly, with a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks.  Well, good going Shaun; less than a day here and I've just scarred the ruler of this... Equestria. Celestia covered her mouth with a hoof and coughed.  "Yes, well, I believe I will be more careful around your thoughts from now on.  You have a 'unique' mind to say the least." 'Really?  I would have used the phrase "artistic."  Meh, to each their own...' "You know, I don't think I'm comfortable with the whole invasion of my mind thing.  And judging from the look on your face, you don't seem to be either."  To her credit, the alicorn pony thing looked away sheepishly, or perhaps just couldn't make eye contact with me anymore. Every pony in the room seemed to freeze slightly at the casual tone in my voice.  Apparently they weren't used to anything talking to their princess like that.  The purple one standing next to her especially seemed annoyed as she slightly narrowed her eyes at me.  Celestia, however, simply waved off their concerns about my behavior. "Yes, I have to agree, perhaps we shall keep this meeting in the realm of words only then?” she commented with an obviously forced smile. ‘Yeah,’ I thought cheerfully, ‘you play with fire and you are bound to get burned.  Human one, alicorn thing zero.’ "Can I ask if you have a name and where you come from?" I cleared my throat with a cough, and attempted to sound as professional as possible in my current position.  "My name is Shaun Davis.  I'm from Earth, North America, The United States of America, Georgia, Cumming."  … Yeah, screw all of you too cause I know what you are thinking.  It's a real damn place, I assure you.  Look it up. "Okay," she smiled and nodded her head, "I'll pretend I understood anything you just said."   'Wait... did she really say that... ?' "How did you end up appearing in the middle of my guards' barracks?" she asked kindly, though I can assume this question was perhaps one of the more important ones. I thought about everything carefully for a moment... before I closed my eyes and shrugged.  "Your guess is as good as mine.  One minute I'm walking home, happily drunk... or I assume I was happily drunk.  The next minute I'm slurring a number of cheesy science-fiction first contact references to a group of ponies." "I see," I could see her think for a moment, before shaking her head, "it sounds magical in nature, but I do not have enough information to know for sure at this point in time.  I'm sorry to say, but I've never heard of an event even remotely similar to this happening before." ‘Well gee, way to instill hope there, Princess...' "If I didn't just get thrown into a world of ponies and have my mind touched in weird places by a talking alicorn pony, I would probably find the explanation of 'magic' hard to swallow." This seemed to catch everyone in the room off guard this time.  The princess stared at me curiously before asking, "What do you mean by that statement?" 'It wasn't obvious enough?' I thought sarcastically.  "Well, simply put, the concept of magic exists where I come from, but at the same time it doesn’t exist.  It’s basically fiction."   'I’ll admit though... sex comes close.' Celestia regarded me again, this time somewhat puzzled.  "Then, if you do not have magic from where you come from, how does your world work?"  'Seriously?  What kind of question is that?' "It just...does?" I half-heartedly said.  Really, I have no idea how to answer that without going into a long and more than likely boring spiel on physics. 'Hey, you trade places with me and see if you do any better.' Also... I failed physics in high school.  So... yeah.  Probably not the best person to explain these concepts anyway. "I see," she seemed to be deep in thought this time.  It took a moment for her to turn her attention back to me this time.  "May I ask why none of this is bothering you?" "Princess," my tone accidentally came off as slightly condescendingly, once again drawing the ire of all the ponies present by the Princess herself.  “You didn’t hear me for the first hour I was awake, did you?" She smiled slightly, and chuckled at that question.  "No, not personally.  However,” she looked at me with no small amount of amusement, “it was reported to me that you had become somewhat... vocal.  I felt it best to meet you when you had finally calmed down to assess whether you are a threat to my little ponies." "Well... am I a threat?" I asked out of curiosity; I was hoping the answer would be no of course. After all, I don't think being considered a threat in an unknown place by unknown beings would be conducive to a long and productive life. The princess' paused a moment to consider the question, then shook her head. "I do not feel you are a threat, or that you are here by your own free will.  That said, I do not know enough about your kind in general, or you in particular, to make a final decision on the matter."   'Final decision, eh?  Why do I not like the sound of that?' "Unfortunately, as I am the head of state I cannot dedicate enough time to you alone to find out.  Hence, I brought my personal student, Twilight Sparkle, with me.  She will be able to help with answering any questions you may have, as well as asking a few of our own.  Twilight, I leave the rest in your capable hooves. "Good day, Shaun Davis, I will set aside some time tomorrow to visit and see how you are adjusting."  She smiled slightly before saying, "I would also ask that you keep any further mental breakdown to a minimum, please.  My guards are already nervous enough around you."  She gave a small chuckle, and with that, Celestia and two of her guards left the cell, leaving her eager looking protégé and two guards with me. The purple unicorn walked up to me and pleasantly introduced herself.  "Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle and-" "Yes yes, I was here when the princess introduced you in case you were not aware of that.  Perhaps we should get started with this game of twenty questions?"  Okay, so maybe that came off as a little grumpy.  I am grumpy after all.  And it didn't seem to bother her either. I saw Sparky's face break into an impossibly wide grin.  "Well then, we need to hurry.  I have a lot of questions for you, but the palace doctors need to give you a physical exam before we can do that.  There's no telling what the displacement you experienced might have done to your body.  We'll talk after that." "Alright, that seems li- wait, what?" I asked as her words started to sink in.   ... 'Oh fuck my life...' ~'.'~'.'~ I felt violated.  I mean, really violated.  And don't give me that look.  Hell, you would feel violated too if a childhood fantasy creature had just asked you to "turn your head and cough."  And ladies, if you don't understand that, don't complain when we guys don't understand your references from now on.  Fair is fair, right?  Anyway, I'll never complain about airport security every time I have to fly again; at least they try to pretend they are "privately" invading your privacy. Well... if I get to fly again.  Got to solve the small problem of getting home first.  That's a particularly annoying impediment there. Thankfully, the examination hadn't been more invasive than it already was.  Just some blood samples, a few reflex tests, fondling me in places that no pony should have ever touched.  And I had even convinced them that it was culturally offensive having anyone else but the doctor in the room for the examination.  Though, just out of spite from the powers that be, I had somehow ended up with a mare doctor.  How could this situation have been anymore awkward? I’m happy though that they at least they didn't tie me up again after the examination was over.  Plus, I figure the princess will at least give me some dinner for going through all of this.  Might be pushing my luck asking for a movie though... I was escorted to a modest sized meeting room after leaving the doctor, and only had to wait a moment before inquisitor purple walked into the room with a stack of paper, ink, and a few quills floating behind her. I had initially asked her if I could be sent home.  She was kind, and responded in a roundabout way, what my mind translated to:  we don't know where you come from, don't know how you got here, don't know where to begin, and sadly you are fucked.  Like I said, her version was much nicer... still put me in a bad mood either way.  Doesn't mean I would give up hope.  On the contrary, I will simply endure and assume that perhaps one day they'll find a way to help me out.   Though, if you forced me I wasn't going to bet on that happening. But, before any of that, I have to survive.  No small feat, I assure you.  Not when every possible second, you are looking at the balcony of the room you are currently in, debating whether there is a god or not.  And if so, whether he would forgive you for jumping off said balcony in the face of all the questions the purple unicorn was asking.  I mean, are we talking about a kind and forgiving god, or a "don't screw with me" one.  Would it matter either way?  Oh, and remember the hangover?  Yeah... that jump is looking really tempting at the moment. Now, I did mention earlier I have a Bachelors in History, a practically useless thing it seemed in the human world.  But here?  Oh no no no.  Having someone that has studied the history of my world had made the little purple unicorn of torment quiver with excitement.  And let me tell you, that does not look pretty.  I thought she was literally having an orgasm at first.  Seriously, creepy... At first the questions were simple.  What are you?  How old are you?  Are you male or female?  That one bothered me actually; you would think it was apparent. Then her questions started to focus on bigger issues.  How big was the world?  How many countries?  How many humans are there?  My answer of nearly seven billion shut her up for a moment.  I don't know if she believed me or not. She then asked why was I able to speak Equestrian.  I asked her in turn how she was able to speak in English.  There was a bit of a debate over the name of the language after that.  In the end, we did not resolve the naming issue, and we still had no idea how we could communicate.  A textbook example of futility. Although, I know I'm right and she's just too stubborn to admit she is speaking English.  Oh well, it happens to the best of us. Looking back, you would have thought that was one the first oddities I picked up on.  Well, after the ponies, and thunder sending me to another dimension.  Ya know what, forget that.  Do I need to remind you I had other things on my mind aside from why they could communicate with me, and vice versa?   Moving on. Thankfully she continued to stay away from the history of the world for the moment.  I imagine she was much more curious about the current state of affairs for humanity than she was about our history for the time being.  But the level of curiosity she displayed told me I was only temporarily dodging that bullet. When she began to ask about my country's government, I had already begun to have enough.  Hell, I'm tired, hungover, and in a bad mood now.  Might as well have fun at her expense on this one. A few minutes later, and somehow I had managed to keep a straight face throughout my entire explanation.  I think I may have blown Sparky's mind. "So let me get this straight... your government is comprised of three branches.  One branch is made up of nine 'demigods' with no real oversight that arbitrarily decide the legality of whatever legislation that comes before them in judicial proceedings.  The second branch consists of two parts, one the equivalent of a chicken coop full of headless chickens trying to cluck each other to death, and the other is basically a ‘steaming pile’,"  the unicorn paused, and I couldn't help but inwardly chuckle at the look of confusion on her face.  It was priceless.   "Well, whatever that means.  And the final branch is headed by someone that continuously looks for ways to undermine or add loopholes to the framework of your government.  Forgive me for saying, but this doesn't sound like a functioning way of governing to me in the least.  Are you sure this is right?" she questioned hesitantly, almost as if she hopefully had misheard me a number of times while taking her notes on key details. I found the perplexed look on her face somewhat cute. "Eh, close enough for a brief overview," I remarked casually and shrugged.  'What can I say, I'm a cynical smartass.' "But yeah, I may have left out a number of intricate details on how my government works.  We can discuss those later though.  How about I ask you some questions for the moment?  I have a few that are sort of a pressing concern to me.  I'm sure you must understand that little fact, right?" She blushed, apparently aware that she had not given me the chance to ask anything in return.  I wonder if she was also aware that I do not believe I had seen her breathe once during our exchange.  "Oh, of course.  I'm sorry; I can't help myself when I discover something new.  I just don't stop until I've figured it out.  Feel free to ask me anything!"   I opened my mouth to voice my offense at her remark, but chose instead to keep my disdain to myself.  ‘Really, she could at least refer to me as more than a 'thing' or 'it' by now, right?’ "I’m going to go out on a limb here...” the unicorn looked at me strangely, obviously unfamiliar with that particular saying, “but I take it you don't eat meat at all, right?" Her ears drooped a little and her face was one of mixed surprise and disgust.  "N-no, ponies don't eat meat.  I assume that... you do?" "Not strictly," I mumbled half heartedly.  'Though right now I am craving a thick juicy bacon cheeseburger...' "Umm... I’m sorry to ask this,” she said with some trepidation, “but... I should make sure.  You w-wouldn’t eat a pony by any chance?"   I scoffed.  'Aww cute, Sparky seems a tad bit afraid...' "No," I replied as sarcastically as I could while trying to reassure her.  'Well, maybe if this was the Hunger Games...' She visibly relaxed at that answer, "Can you survive without eating meat?"   'Would I want to?' I thought bitterly, then sighed.  "I will constantly complain, but as long as I get the right nutrients somehow... then yes."  Well, I say that but once again the only thing I can think of is, 'Seriously, where can I get a damn bacon cheeseburger at this point?' "Oh... that's... good then."  Her voice still contained a hint of nervousness, but she visibly relaxed.  The guards around us, however, looked even more ready to jump me at a moment's notice than before. "Next question, do you have any alcoholic drinks?" I asked with no small amount of hope in my voice.  'Yes, I know, you are right.  A question of this magnitude should have been the first one I asked.' "Er ... we use alcohol to sterilize wounds and medical instruments," replied the little destroyer of hopes and dreams.   'Yeah, this is hell, just as I thought...' "Hmm, different alcohol, poisonous when ingested... although..." I remembered back to a story my grandfather told me of his time in Vietnam when a buddy of his had strained rubbing alcohol through a loaf of bread to drink.  Must have been really desperate for that drink.  Didn't do a damn thing to the alcohol though, still the same shit that went into the bread.  Still screwed up his buddy good.  Almost a case of natural selection kicking in.  "Never mind, not that desperate yet.  Anyway, final question.  How long has this hanging deathtrap of a castle been here?" Sparky's left eye twitched.  "Hanging... deathtrap of a castle?  I have no clue what you are talking about.  Canterlot," I could see her emphasizing that name with a hefty amount of annoyance, "has been around for roughly a thousand years.  This place is perfectly safe, expertly designed, and aesthetically pleasing." I tried my best not to burst out laughing at the name "Canterlot."  Apparently I had already hit one nerve too many.  I held my hands up in a placating gesture, hoping she understood what I meant and I was not in fact giving her the pony equivalent of the middle finger.  "Sorry, this place just frightens me.  Everything I've seen in my world tells me this building should just come tumbling down.  Hell, now that I'm here, Murphy might find it a good time to invoke his law." "Murphy?  Law?  What are you talking about?" she asked inquisitively. 'Ah Sparky, ignorance is bliss...' "Yes, it is the single most important law in the universe.  All other advancements in any field of knowledge are bound to this one cosmic truth."  Was I stretching the truth a bit?  Perhaps. If I had thought she was having an orgasm earlier, the look she now gave me made me feel dirty.  Visual rape is not a pretty sight.  Especially coming from a unicorn pony.  A child's dream come true, unicorn pony.  This is very awkward. I coughed and tried to ignore the disturbing visage on her face.  "It's very simple.  If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."          The look on her face went from creepy excited to depressed annoyed almost instantly.  Sparky is so easy to mess around with.  Almost not even fair; and if I were a nicer person I might not have this wide grin plastered on my face at the moment. "Really," the unicorn huffed and flatly responded, "that doesn't sound like much of a 'cosmic law' if you ask me." 'Oh ye of little faith...'   I shrugged at her, before nonchalantly asking, "Well, I described my system of government for you, right?" "Yes," she trailed off, still annoyed but curious as to where this was going. "Then you already have a concrete example of Murphy's Law in action to study.  So, I'd recommend you apply that law to the study of humanity.  Things will make much more sense to you then." Sparky cocked her head to the side.  "O... kay?"  'Perhaps I blew her mind this time?' I thought wryly, before yawning.  "Anyway, I'm very tired Sparky..." "Twilight Sparkle," she ground out in an annoyed tone. "Sparkle, Sparky, Sparkler" I waved my left hand dismissively, "all the same thing when you don't care.  Anyway, as I was saying before you decided to rudely interrupt me ... I'm tired.  It's late, and I would like to go to sleep.  Also, can you get me a toothbrush, toothpaste, and some soap.  I feel filthy and I smell like a barn.  So, I would really like to get a shower or bath, then go to sleep." "Oh," I watched as her ears drooped a little in disappointment, her annoyance at my nickname seemingly forgotten for the moment. It was somewhat adorable.  Wait... does that mean my man card should be revoked now? "I'll have someone get you those items by tomorrow," she said as she turned to look out the window, finally taking notice that the sun had long since set.  "I guess we can continue this later as well." I wanted to tell her I'd be fine if we didn't continue the barrage of questions.  I had a feeling though that my protests would fall on deaf ears. Sparky let out a sigh and looked back at her stack of papers.  "I suppose I'll start compiling my notes so far, as well as the sketches the doctor made of you after your examination.  It's been a while since a new species has been discovered and the Equestrian Zoology Society is meeting next week.  I'm sure they'll be excited to see not only the sketches, but her notes on the measurements she took of your reflexes, blood pressure, weight, and physical characteristics!" "Well good for you Sparky, I'm just... wait, what?" ...  'Seriously, fuck my life...' ~'.'~'.'~ ("Testing, testing... hello? Is this thing on? It is? Okay then! Hello again, investors, Cave Johnson here!") I left Sparky with an earful on why I was not comfortable with personal information, like detailed measurements and sketches of myself, being given out to a convention full of ponies.  I don't think the message sunk in.  I mean, how well can you explain to a culture of nudists the concept of modesty? Answer:  Not very well. The guards escorted me to a guest bedroom, surprisingly, and shut the door behind me as I walked in.  No midnight trip to the kitchens for a snack then.  Though, I suppose this five star luxury cell is better than the crazy room they had me in beforehand. Not even having the energy to change out of my clothes, I simply landed on the bed face first.  Hopefully, when I wake up in the morning this will all be gone, and I'll find that I had simply taken something I shouldn't have while drunk.  My friends and I would have a good laugh; except Chris, because of that burning sensation he'll surely have after going to the bathroom.   Well class, before I drift off to sleep, let's recap. To sum up the day's events, I've been drunk, struck by lightning, seemingly whisked away to a different dimension, made an arguably horrible attempt at first contact with another intelligent life form, and been in the middle of a dog pile of said life form - ponies.  They have poked, prodded, and interrogated me, the last one to no end.  I have debated the existence of god and hell, and have still not come up with a definitive answer.  Oh, and did I mention, ‘cause surely I have, I'm still freaking hungover... Oh, I am also most likely stuck here forever because, ya know what, god and the universe loved putting that cherry on top of this crap sundae.  And lastly, my favorite and most effective coping mechanism, alcohol, is apparently not available to me.  Yeah, remember that when you decide to say, "Wah, I've just had the worst day of my life."  I don't want to hear it... ... Anyway, and by god I love that word, signing off for the night. Yours truly, S.A.D. ~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~ Author's Note: Well, this is my very first fanfic, and as such I'm really curious to see what people think.  Comment on it or send me a PM!  I'm open to all forms of constructive criticism. I'll leave it in the hands of you viewers to determine if I should continue this story, or let it die in a fire! Thanks for reading and I hope you've enjoyed.