"So, how do we find them?" Pinkie asked. The Human raised an eyebrow.
"We create enough randomness to draw them in like Nostalgia Critic to a dumb movie."
"Huh, makes about as much sense as anything else at this point." She shrugged.
The Human proceeded to light the sacrificial gummy bears, and sing karaoke to dubstep. Pinkie Pie handed out limes while James Bond and Indiana Jones pretended to be cowboys. The ground rumbled, and a miracle happened. It rained jelly beans and out dated Pokemon games.
The Human sniffed the air suspiciously. "That flavor." He growled. "It can only mean one thing."
Deadpool and Old Spice Guy descended from the heavens in half of a cheeseburger wrapper while a British man narrated a comic book. Cthulu admitted to the High King of Skyrim that he was secretly a mongoose, to which he decided could only mean that Darth Vader was his mother's uncle.
"Deadpool and Old Spice Guy." The Human seethed. "I should have known it was you trying to destroy the entire universe."
Deadpool cackled menacingly. "Fool! Nothing can stop us from out randomizing the the universe itself! Our Super Evil Universe Randomer™ is unstoppable!"
"Foo!" Old Spice Guy shouted, wielding a Old Spice Product in one hand.
The Sun turned off, then another sun appeared. Then there were two suns and Princess Celestia got a massive headache, which turned Luna into a vampire making her even more epic.
The Human recoiled in pain, as the very fabric of reality rippled and bent.
"Noooo." He moaned.
A guy in weird yellow armor broke his arm and the wound leaked gravy while Shakespear sung the song that summons the Coco Puffs Cereal Bird.
"Co-co for COCO PUFFS." It screamed.
"Arrrrg." Captain Crunch agreed.
Meanwhile, Mexico froze over.
Pinkie quickly threw a math textbook at Deadpool and he jumped back in fear. The randomness stopped and the Human tried to catch his breath.
"We'll be back. Just you wait." Old Spice Guy sneered before grabbing Deadpool and snorkeling though the ground.
"Weeeee!" Deadpool laughed.
"That was too close to shave a hairless tiger." The Human muttered. "We need to assemble a team of the most random people in the universe. As per tradition."
"But where will we find them?" Pinkie Pie asked.
The Human looked off in the distance. "Hiding in plain sight, there to make others laugh, we will seek them out across all plains of existence, searching far and wide in the hopes that they will join our cause."
"Whoa." Pinkie said, amazed. He shrugged.
"Or we could just look them up on Facebook."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael Bay, Discord, Caboose, Pinkie Pie, Sheogorath and Jerry the Carrot stood shoulder to shoulder. Discord and Sheogorath eyed each other nervously while Caboose talked to a butterfly. The Human grabbed Jerry and ignored his screams because it was a delicious carrot. Munching on him, he began speaking to his troops.
"Men. I have gathered you hear today because danger lurks just beyond our doorstep, and we may be the only ones who can stop it." The Human said, walking up and down the line.
Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. "I'm a mare, not a man."
He threw a handful of Skittles at her. "Don't interrupt me!" She picked up a few and popped them in her mouth, and didn't speak up again.
"Discord, though your own randomness is....lacking. I am glad to welcome you to Squiggle Force Nine." The Human grinned. "Sheogorath, you are a god of madness. Happy to have you on board."
"Caboose, old friend." He continued. "It's nice to know we can rely on your skill set."
"I like to help too." Caboose said, more to the butterfly then the leader of the squad.
"Michael Bay, You need no introduction. Everyone knows who you are. You are legend. You made a living out of blowing stuff up for god's sake." The Human laughed.
"Will I get to blow stuff up?" Michael smiled like a psychopath.
"Yes, yes you will." The Human said, wiping away a tear of joy.
"Pinkie, as the rookie, you have the most important job of not dying in case you are needed for the plot. Try not to make some sort of heroic sacrifice or what not."
"Okie Dokie Lokie then."
"No! You just reminded me!" The Human face palmed. "We forgot Loki!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loki sat in his cell, doodling on the wall.
"Well this sucks...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile in the Evil Lair of Really Evil Evilness...
"G Seven." Deadpool called out.
"Checkmate foo!" Old Spice Guy laughed.
"I cast magic missile!" Deadpool shouted.
"Old Spice Guy blocks with his get out of jail free pass he picked up after landing in the Lollipop Forest!"
"But I made four touchdowns in the sixth inning." Deadpool countered.
"Darn it!" Old Spice Guy sobbed. "Your really good at strip poker."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Headache plagued Princess Celestia and the now vampire Luna looked down at Ponyville, which had descended into madness.
"You think we should actually try to help this time?" Princess Luna asked.
"Nah, Twilight will handle it as usual." Celestia shrugged. "I have faith she will succeed."
Meanwhile Twilight was not handing it, and was instead reading a book in her awesome Princess Castle as that dumb Human assembled some sort of insane group to try and stop some other guys from taking over the world or something.
It had made so little sense that she stopped trying to care and gave up and went home.