Equestria: A History Revealed

by Hoofry_Poneigher


Chapter 32: Ambitions of Power – The Queen and the Princess

When speaking of Cadence, there is another pony who must be mentioned. One who has close ties to the second newest alicorn princess and was responsible for using her wedding as a point of EVILLL!

Shining Armor? No.

Shining Amour, Shining Armor’s imaginary griffon rip-off? No.

Chrysalis. But now that I realize it, that description also describes Celestia too. Ah whatever, Chrysalis and Celestia go hand in hand. Wait no, hoof and hoof. The heck’s a hand?[549]

Chrysalis and Celestia? Having a prior relationship? Surely you jest! Well I ain’t no jester. And don’t call me Surely. Or Shirley. She’s a bitch too.

In fact, Chrysalis’ very origins was dependent on the work of Celestia. I’m sure some of you may have seen this connection from a mile away, but let me explain further.

To discuss the birth of Queen Chrysalis, we must return to Celestia’s dark magic cloning experiments. As you know, her doppelganger system was used throughout history in some very devious ways; replacing Luna and Pony Joe, and making Princess Cadence to end to Pegasi Spring. And if a few of these clones were able to solve such crises, think of what could happen if Celestia had perfected the process. But that was just it. There was a problem with perfection.[550]

For with all of Celestia’s attempts, her clones were always unsuccessful; they always had a particular flaw. Though Celestia was slowly getting better with time and experience (because compared to mild social retardation and incorrect naming, being pink and bland was much preferable[551]), she still hadn’t managed to crack the egg. The egg of perfect cloning.

But lo and before, thanks to her dark powers, she would stumble upon the secret. Through baking.

Yes, remember I told you that baking was the root of all dark magic?[552] Well, baking is more sinister than it seems.

For on that certain day to be remembered in history, Celestia, on another one of her many cake binges, had eaten her way through the royal cake supply. The royal bakers were probably scrambling to get pastries into her mouth stat, but Celestia, in all her impatience, fired them. How I know all this is something you’ll have to wait til’ the end to learn. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Celestia, now hungry and desperate for food, tried to concoct some kind of sweet cake to shove in her face. Using magic and a variety of ingredients, she had attempted to make something adequate that she could swallow so fast that it wouldn’t even touch her tongue. That’s exactly the type of glutton she was.

But somehow, and I’ll just jump straight into it, Celestia made a new creature entirely. The first-ever changeling named “Chrysalis”, formed in Celestia’s own image was created purely by accident through a royal mishap in the kitchen.

I know baking can hold untold dark powers, but my god. To mess up a cake this bad and end up creating a dark magic clone of yourself by accident? I’d usually assume this kinda thing was all part of Celestia’s plan, but this is so dumb of an idea, that it had to have been the real story. Yes, Celestia was the one who birthed Queen Chrysalis, and she did so completely unintentionally.

Perhaps it was her lack of thought due to the hunger, sugar deprivation, or just the aftereffects of the cake binge hangover setting in, but Celestia somehow stumbled upon the secret that she had spent decades upon decades searching for. Stupidity breeds success, at least when it comes to Celestia. Come to think of it, that’s how Celestia won most of her matches, right? Pure dumb luck brought on by her stupidity. That, or manipulating the odds so far before the match had even begun to ensure she’d win. She’s either really smart half the time or really dumb. I’m leaning towards the latter.

I know some of you are rolling your eyes at this concept; I do admit it is one of the stranger ones in this essay (and this is the essay with intergalactic space orgies used as evidence). Celestia making Queen Chrysalis out of baking materials? And by accident no less! But it’s true, and the proof is in the evil baking concoction. Chrysalis is the same height and stature of Celestia; in Celestia’s madness, she must’ve cut herself by accident and her blood had entered the cake batter. And Celestia’s already enough, but if you throw the dark magic of baking into the mix; combining such dark forces into one! It’s no wonder that the result would be an eviler form of Celestia. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far, but Chrysalis definitely at least looked the part.

Just look at her. You might think that she looked more insectoid than baking…oid, but look further. Past all the obvious insect parts (like the insect wings) so you can extrapolate the baking parts. The holes in her legs? Air bubble holes caused by the vital baking ingredient, yeast. Yeast makes air bubble holes to make batter rise, and the same logic applies here. And they were especially concentrated on her legs because that’s what makes her taller.[553]

And she (and her kind) all secrete a thick green syrup, almost as if a pony in a cake-induced stupor had added too much glow-in-the-dark syrup[554] to the cake mix. The black body color? Not just a representation of her eviler appearance. Have you ever heard of black bread? Or in this case, black cake?

The only questionable quality of this newly made species was their eating habits. Queen Chrysalis had said herself that her hive needed to feast on love. But changelings do not eat love; that would be ridiculous, ‘cause love isn’t a tangible thing. She must have been told to say that. But for what? And why? By who? And if not love, what do they eat? Patience, friends,[555] the truth shall come when it comes.

So all-in-all, while Celestia didn’t end up making that cake she wanted, she did find the secret to making perfect doppelgangers that she’s been looking for in her experiments for years and years. I’m sure that balanced out for her in the end. Of course, like all clone doppelgangers, it had its flaws, but not ones that were significant enough (to Celestia). I mean sure, its base form looked like Celestia if she was dyed in tar, had her mane dyed green, and shot full of arrow holes; which by-the-by, is exactly how I’d like her last moments to be once the world turns on her when they see the monster she really is (short of the head on a spike thing though ☹). But in that wicked concoction of flour, eggs, and sugar, somehow Chrysalis was born with the intrinsic power to transform into a perfect doppelganger clone anyways, so it didn’t matter that its base form was ugly as sin. But what can I say, when you’re based off someone like Celestia, I suppose ugliness just comes with the package.

Celestia had finally achieved what she had sought after for so long. And now, she could put her preparations into place. She could begin to make the clone army that she always wanted. Yes, those were her intentions all along. Not to build a better Equestria, not to create a world where her sister and her could live in harmony, not to spread friendship across the land. She wanted to build a secret evil clone army since the very beginning, have that purple unicorn take over for her, and retire in peace.

Unfortunately for her, she’ll be retiring alright.

In pieces.

BANG!

Sorry, just thought that’d be a cool thing to say. Learned it from one of those old 80’s Applewood films.[556] It sounded intimidating though, right?

So Chrysalis could transform into any pony she wanted to. Oh god, I just made the connection. Cadence and Chrysalis had shared a deeper connection than I had first realized; they were literally both created by the same hooves of the dark master. They had more in common than they both thought. Which explains why Chrysalis was able to mimic Cadence’s appearance so well, because she had an evil spiritual connection with her. In fact, maybe Cadence was made out of dough too! That would certainly explain how Chrysalis had nailed down Cadence’s patterns and mannerisms so perfectly, they were both a jib cut from the same cloth.[557]

But I’ll get to the reasoning for Chrysalis transforming into Cadence when time dictates it. First let’s get back to Celestia’s first meeting with her new dark clone. Unlike with Cadence, this thing possessed all of her raw magical powers (she was an alicorn herself, if you count bug wings and a holed horn as alicorn appendages too) and Celestia’s personality as well.

And it was that last point that would be especially significant. Chrysalis, as a clone of Celestia, was able to meet on common ground as her and reach an understanding immediately. Once Celestia got over the initial surprise, they probably had a very pleasant conversation, introducing themselves politely and talking about the weather.

This lied directly in contrast to what I feel most ponies’ reaction would be upon creating an untold cursed spawn from your baking equipment; screaming bloody murder while trying to beat your new evil creation to death with a baking pan. Of course, Celestia wasn’t like most ponies; she’s all kinds of fucked up. So she stayed and chatted with her grotesque looking doppelganger creation.

As Chrysalis was essentially an exact double of Celestia, they already shared all the same interests, the same manipulative and deceitful tactics, and maybe they even talked about their common interest in torturing ponies till they snapped (Celestia of course, taking a mentorship role in that last one, cuz Chrysalis didn’t have much experience in that yet). Essentially, after conversing with Her Little Baking-Abomination, Chrysalis became Celestia’s first “true, true friend”.

For a pony who preaches the wonders of friendship so much, it’s kind of surprising it took her so long to actually make one. But let’s really think about this. Her first true friend was just an evil doppelganger of herself. That’s kind of sad if you think about it. I mean, even I’ve got Crazy Larry.[558]

But what’s a good friendship without any fights? Clouds always have to roll in once in a while, and the sign of a good friendship is being able to make up after a fight. Not that I would really know or have much experience, I’ve only had the one friend. But he’s more than enough.

So Celestia hit an immediate bump in the relationship, what, twenty minutes in? They both had the same interests, so this would logically mean they would both have the same evil plans for Equestria. Only difference being that they weren’t exactly looking for a joint leadership type of thing[559]; they wanted to rule Equestria by themselves.

Seems like the best of friends didn’t even know how to share. Sheesh, even I know how to share. You throw a tantrum really loudly until the other pony just gives up and lets you keep whatever it was you wanted. Worked for me for twenty straight years so far. This is basic social skills, guys! Try to keep up.

So with their own ambitions of power and plans for the future of Equestria, Celestia and Chrysalis argued for many a while on how it should all go down. Well, Chrysalis was the clone of Celestia after all (but probably held a bit more brains than her, as her brains made of sugar and cinnamon still held more value than that pathetic lump that Celestia calls a brain. Chrysalis attempted to take control herself, and even questioned some of the more inane things that Celestia did.[560] Like why the heck Celestia called herself a princess when she was clearly the only ruler around (except for Luna clone, but even I think I’d forget her too); she clearly should’ve been a queen.

So Chrysalis officially crowned herself Queen while Celestia attempted to argue about some shit like “princesses are the symbol of youthful beauty”. Yeah, and tooth fairies poop gumdrops, what else is new.

I’m sure you’re wondering by now where all my sources are. How the heck did I know all this went down? After all, there are no records of this, right?

Wrong.

BANG!

Sorry, just wanted to try that 80’s catchphrase thing again.

There were records of them. I saw them. Some point in my life. I think I was kinda dizzy at the time. But I saw them! The transcriptions! Unfortunately for me, immediately after reading it, a winged red she-demon burst from the ground underneath my feet, and swallowed the records whole. She didn’t swallow me though, like you might think[561]; just the records. Then she pressed a finger[562] to my lips and whispered, “shhhh.” And after she ate the papers, she exploded into a million points of light. Then the sky became all trippy with intricate patterns and colors and I had to go lie down. And here we are now.

But then the question arises, who would transcribe such a peculiar meeting between Celestia and her dark clone when their encounter was completely accidental and Celestia would have good reason to keep all this a secret from everypony?

BANG!

Shoot first, ask questions later.

Sorry again,[563] that’s the last catchphrase I’ll say in this essay, promise.

After their really intense argument, even probably throwing a couple of blows at each other and making a mess of the royal kitchen, I suppose they reached an agreement of sorts. A secret agreement. An evil agreement. An agreement which could rain destruction upon the world upon its release! IT WAS…

Another false-flag attack.

Yes, I know this is rather shocking and new to you, but please keep your collective gasps until the end.

This attack was to be made for the betterment of the both of them, to help them mutually achieve each other’s ambitions.

Certain arrangements had to be made once this deal was in place. And that will be covered as well. But for now, let us approach the climax of it all, when all the shit would go down.

Let us approach the Royal Wedding of 2012.

Hey, by-the-by, do you remember that time when I promised not to make any more cheesy movie catchphrases?

I lied.

BANG!