Dear Tirek:
First off, let me tell you that you that I hate you. Yes, my hatred for you is almost as intense as my hatred for my former student. I mean, stealing other ponies magic? I can dig that. Stealing magic from Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and Discord? Hilarious! But then you want to steal my magic?! MY MAGIC?! You dick!
But I digress. I was having plenty of fun showing Twilight how useless she was while still trying to give her some false hope that she might one day be able to do something for the kingdom when I sensed that you had escaped. Unfortunately, I then found out that you’d escaped months ago when Cerberus was goofing off. It’s kind of ironic, really; I always mocked Twilight for not getting her Fax machine neutered, and yet I never did the same with my own pets. I really need to rectify that mistake.
So, naturally, we were all worried when we found out you had escaped. And thus I made the only logical choice in this situation: I let my former student feel useless once more, grabbed that one guy who I still don’t fully trust, who still resents being a statue in my garden, and who has the potential to turn Equestria into Cloudcuckooland with a snap of his fingers, and sent him off to deal with the problem. And, of course, we both know how that turned out.
I should note, however, that before he left he decided to take one last chance to read Twilight’s diary. I kind of understand why he did it; back when I was a filly I loved to sneak into Luna’s room and read her diary. It was so much fun! Did you know that she had a crush on Sombra? Or that she wanted to go to the moon? Well, you can tell how those two turned out!
But I’m getting distracted. After Dick-cord went Starscream on us, I tried to find some other plan. Unfortunately, plans B through Y all failed spectacularly, so I had no choice but to go with plan Z: give up my magic to the one mare I despised the most. On the plus side, Luna and Cadance gave up their power too. Misery loves company, you know?
Of course, there was always the danger that you’d turn us into your sex slaves, in which case I would simply have done my best to look unattractive so that you’d only bang the other two. Fortunately, you decided to throw us into hell instead. As much as it pains me to do so, I must thank you for that. The thought of making myself less attractive than Luna… ugh.
Of course, somepony didn’t get the message when I said I wanted the stained glass window of Twilicorn removed. So now I have to fire some ponies. Ah well, at least you melted it out of existence. Too bad you figured out there was another princess, though.
And by the way, good work blowing up Twilight’s library. The moment you did that, I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million bald apes had shouted in horror and despair as their precious memories were blown apart. It was quite cathartic, really. I’m sure my father would say the same thing.
I don’t know why you thought threatening her friends would do you any good, though. She doesn’t give a shit about them, and they don’t like her either. I’m half surprised she didn’t just blow them up in order to get to you. Maybe she just got used to having them around as fuck buddies?
Whatever the case, she gave up her powers for those useless ponies. And Discord, who apparently decided he owed her, so he gave her his necklace. Which he got from you. Which you got from your brother. And that necklace ended up being the key to kicking your ass.
Kind of makes you feel like a moron, doesn’t it? Doubly so given how ludicrous they looked. Can you imagine sitting in your cage down in the underworld and having to tell your buddies about how you got your ass beaten by a bunch of rainbow-colored miniature horses? And that you helped them? That’s emasculating.
Anyway, Twilight has a castle now. Unfortunately for her, she has to share it with her friends, including her fax machine. But not Discord. And so, all is right in the world.
Your W.E.E., Princess Celestia.