All's Fair in Love and Piracy

by bahatumay


Chapter 1

Applejack couldn't keep a smile off her face as she sailed The Zap Apple towards home. She had made a good profit on this last delivery run, and nothing could dampen her mood. Add to that how much she loved the simple act of sailing, and she was one happy pony. She had made the run from her home island to Port Ponyville often (at least four times a week, to be honest), but the feel of the wind running through her mane and the salt spray in her face never got old. It was almost enough to temporarily forget the constant threat of piracy hanging over her head.

Ask anypony in Seaquestria the first thing that comes to mind in response to the word 'pirate', and it will usually be something along the lines of 'somepony who takes things that aren't theirs'. This is a generalized stereotype; but it is a true definition. Everypony who captained even the smallest vessel knew to keep their eyes peeled for the flags on approaching ships, advance strike pegasi, or even those newfangled single-pony magi-skis that announced the arrival of pirates, which could lead to at best stolen cargo, and at worst a sunken ship and a nice deserted island or a personalized rope necklace to call your own.

And none knew that better than Applejack. Her family's farm grew and kept many things, but their apples were most famous. They had long been an important staple of the economy in Port Ponyville. Add to that the delicious cider that could be made from her apples, and there were swarms of others just itching for a piece of that pie. She was calm and collected whenever she sailed, but kept her head on a swivel as she steered her little boat back towards home. Her family had worked hard to keep the island's location a secret known to only a few trusted ponies, lest pirates or other invaders come and take all the apples. She knew all the shortcuts through other island inlets, the reef barriers, and the sandbars she could use to make anypony who followed her have a miserable time doing so. And even if they did manage to track her, the island was situated near the Everfree Triangle, which was a place feared by even the most experienced of sailors for its unpredictable seas and treacherous waters and creatures, and thus the island remained generally untouched. There was that pair of unicorns that had arrived and then left, but they had headed into the Triangle and nopony had seen hide nor hair of them again.

Not that Applejack minded, of course. It sounded cruel, but it was a cutthroat world she lived in and the less threats she had, the better.

That didn't mean she had no friends, though. During her scans, she spotted a few birds circling a brown blur, which quickly resolved into a large raft built of fallen logs lashed together, carrying a yellow pegasus with a long pink mane. She wore a simple shirt, short-sleeved but with long strips that hung down nearly to her fetlocks. Her shirt stopped right before her belt, revealing her cutie mark of three butterflies. Applejack grinned and pulled the sail line, raising the sail to lessen the amount of wind caught to slow herself down.

"Hey, Fluttershy!" she called as she approached. "How's that otter doin'?"

Fluttershy looked up from her raft and waved. "Much better, thanks!" she called back.

“And Angel Bunny?”

The little white rabbit riding on Fluttershy's shoulder stuck his tongue out at Applejack.

Applejack smiled. This meant he was in a good mood. "Good t' hear! Hey, brought you something!" She held up a little corked jar and shook it, making a sloshing sound.

Fluttershy squeed and flew up to meet her on the deck. "You shouldn't have," she said, but her tone of voice indicated that she was overjoyed with the gift.

"T'aint nothin'," Applejack said dismissively, leaning lazily on the steering wheel. "You're always at our island anyway, helpin' with our animals and such, it's the least Ah could do t' say thanks."

Fluttershy huggled the cider flask to her chest. "Thank you so much," she said again, tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes.

Applejack tugged her hat a little lower to hide her blush. Fluttershy's foal-like innocence shone through again, and frankly, Applejack was embarrassed at receiving this reaction. "Yeah, well, you're welcome," she said.

Fluttershy looked up. "I saw Berry Punch today," she said.

Applejack snorted. Although not a direct competitor, Berry Punch was not on her list of close friends. She had some strange ideas and quirks--the main one being that sailing was improved while being tipsy--and her life had too many variables for Applejack's liking. "And what's that pony up to now?"

"She says she spotted pirates in this area, and said I should be on alert. I thought I should tell you."

"Ah appreciate it, Fluttershy," Applejack said, lifting her hat and running a hoof through her mane, "but most of the pirates on this stretch know me, and they ain't exactly itchin' for a rematch."

"But she said the flag they were flying was different. She said it looked like Rainbow Blitz's."

Now this caught Applejack's attention. Rainbow Blitz, captain of the ship Sonic Rainboom, was the most feared colt in all of Seaquestria. Tales of his piracy, his huge raids, his striking speed and his cruelty and his womanizing had been told and retold for nigh on a decade now, and Applejack had no intention of finding out if these rumors were true. "Wanna run that by me again?"

"She said it was a black flag that had the skull and wings and rainbow behind them. It sounded awful."

Applejack smiled grimly. "Ah take it she escaped somehow?"

"She had her Greek fire ready, but the flyby pegasus didn't think she had anything or something like that because they never tried to board her."

Applejack couldn't hold back a chuckle. Another of Berry's ideas was that the Greek fire of ancient legend had originally been an alcoholic drink, and she had devoted many a summer to 'reclaiming' the recipe. She hadn't quite succeeded in recreating it exactly according to legend (the green flame color always evaded her for some reason), but she had gotten pretty close--and she had the missing eyelashes and burn marks all along her body to prove it.

Applejack, on the other hoof, chose to fend off pirates in a more conventional way. She tapped the cutlass strapped to her side. "Ah'm sure Ah c'n handle myself."

"Ok," Fluttershy said hesitantly, "but be careful."

"You too," Applejack replied.

Fluttershy grinned. "Most sailors are afraid of my albatross friends," she said, pointing up to the large, circling birds. "I'll be fine. Thank you again for the cider!"

Applejack chuckled. The only thing she was afraid of when she saw an albatross was that it might leave a little 'present' on her deck. "And once again, it ain't nothin'. Take care now."

Fluttershy fluttered back down to her raft and waved goodbye. As she sailed away, Applejack made sure she kept a closer eye on her surroundings.

* * *

She was about two miles from home when she first spotted it, a whiteish cloud that moved unlike any other cloud she had ever seen. Peering at it intently, she whipped up her spyglass and focused. Sure enough, it was not a cloud at all, but a white pegasus with a yellow mane. She wore sailors' clothing, and Applejack felt a little pit form in her stomach. Pegasi wings weren't really designed for saltwater conditions, and so as a general rule, they were not good sailors (Fluttershy used easily-replaceable rafts for a reason). When they did sail, they usually kept to being a flying, short range lookout. Or, as was more likely in this case, running a pirating flyby to see if a ship had anything worth stealing. Applejack felt slightly relieved that she had stored the bits from today's sale under the hidden floor in the safe box again, but still couldn't shake that feeling of unease.

It didn't help when the pegasus descended, aiming right for Applejack's ship. With a cheery "Ahoy there!", she crash-landed and clattered across the deck flank over teakettle in a swirl of fabric, metal, and feathers. She landed in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position, with her hips over her head and her tail where her mane should be and vice versa.

It got weirder. This pegasus looked really familiar. If Applejack didn't know any better, she'd say that this pony was almost a pegasus copy of Pinkie Pie, that pink earth pony that helped run the bakery and tavern in Port Ponyville. Obviously this could not be the case, as this pony had wings and Pinkie did not.

Even so, that was her first reaction. "Pinkie Pie?"

"Nope," the pegasus responded with her face still buried in the deck. "She's my cousin. I'm Surprise, nice to meet you." With her face still in the deck, she held out a hoof for bumping.

Applejack tried to keep a steady smile as she returned the gesture. There was a slight chance that she wasn't hostile, and Applejack decided to try being friendly. "Well, howdy there then, Surprise. What brings you to my little ol' ship today?"

She popped up, unhurt and still cheerful. "Oh, not much," she said. "Just doing a little exploring."

"Exploring?" Applejack asked. "Exploring what?"

"Oh, you know. Stuff," Surprise said dismissively.

Applejack waited for her to expound, but she didn't. "What kind of stuff?"

"Well, you see, my captain told me to bring back that horizon, and I'm trying to figure out where it is. I haven't found it yet, you see."

Applejack suppressed the desire to facehoof. "Look, miss, that's just a sayin'. What that means is, full sail forward until he says otherwise."

The white mare cocked her head. "Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yep."

"Are you really, really sure?" she asked again.

"Yep."

"Positive?"

"For the last time, yes. Are you sure you ain't Pinkie's twin or sommat?"

"Nope. In fact, you wanna hear something funny? I'm not her cousin."

"You're not?"

Surprise shook her head. "Nope. Never even heard of her."

Applejack frowned. "Then why didja say the two of you were cousins?"

"Oh, no reason. I just wanted to distract you."

“Distract me from wha-?” But Applejack didn’t need to finish that, because she heard the telltale sound of magi-skis approaching. “Pirates,” she hissed, looking around and trying to determine the closest threat.

"Surprise! And that's how I got my name!" the pegasus cheered, drawing her sword and smashing the flat of her blade against Applejack's face, knocking her out cold instantly.

At least, that's what she tried to do. But Applejack was faster.

She ducked under the attempted blow and sent Surprise reeling with one punishing cross from her left forehoof. Pegasi, being generally lighter, were relatively easy to knock back--and knock out.

Drawing her sword, Applejack ran to the side railings of her ship and quickly began cutting off the grappling hooks thrown by the ponies below. She slashed ropes and in the process sliced chunks of wood out of the railing, but she didn't care. Rushing back to the wheel, she cut the rope holding up the sail, letting it fall and unfurling it completely, hoping for more speed. Spinning around, she came face to face with an earth pony mare who had somehow managed to board. She swung her sword, but Applejack blocked it and turned, presenting her rear hooves and bucking her over the railing and off the ship. She was rewarded by the sound of wood splintering--apparently, she had landed on one of the magi-skis.

Scanning the scene, her heart jumped into her chest as she saw a new ship appear in view, larger and much faster than her own. It was sleek, dark, and bore a flag that was widely known and brought a slight stab of fear into her heart. It had a large skull, facing forward, flanked by two wings with a cutlass underneath, all in front of a diagonal rainbow swath. Pegasi were generally not good sailors, and Applejack knew of only one exception.

"Rainbow Blitz," she breathed, sprinting back to her wheel and spinning it sharply, making her ship lurch harshly to one side. She couldn't outrun the approaching ship, but maybe she could outmaneuver them.

“Wheee!”

Applejack looked back to see Surprise sitting upright and sliding across the deck--and crashing right through her guardrail to land in the sea below. Shaking her head, she brought the ship back in line with the wind, trying for more speed.

But it was not to be. Her little ship was out-powered, and pegasi and ponies on magi-skis quickly surrounded her ship. Had she had a crew, she might have held them off a bit longer, but the single cannon her ship had remained silent as she was the only pony aboard. She slammed her hooves against the ship’s wheel. She knew she should have had Macintosh come along.
Earth ponies threw grappling hooks, scaling the ropes to come aboard, and a couple pegasi landed from the skies. Knowing that she wasn't going to get out of this alive, but not wanting to give up without a fight, she jumped off the railing to the front of the ship and pulled out the stopper on the anchor hub, letting the anchor fall to the sea floor and lurching her ship to a sudden stop, sending her unwanted passengers skidding and scrambling for purchase on the deck.

“Y'all want a fight? Ah'll give y'all a fight!” she proclaimed, springing back up to the main deck for higher ground, swinging her sword in challenge.

The first mare to regain her balance and step forward managed to duck the first swing, but Applejack used it to shift her weight, and drove her rear hooves into her chest, sending her flying backwards and taking out a few other pirates. The second one slashed downwards, burying her sword in the deck. Applejack kicked her over under the wheel and spun it sharply, slamming the spokes against her head. Clenching swords with the third opponent, she pivoted and shoved him backwards, using the fallen second pirate as a tripwire. She reared up, slamming a pegasus to the ground, then bucked fiercely and dropped two earth ponies where they stood. This was her ship, and nothing was getting past her.

Strangely enough, they seemed to be holding back, as if they didn't want her dead. Applejack first noticed this when a pony attacked with a staff instead of the cutlass he wore.

Ah well. Their loss. More specifically, his loss; especially when her kick went through his staff to hit him in the chest and knock him into the mast.

But the pirates kept coming, and Applejack was only one mare. Sweat dripped down her face and into her eyes.

Soon, the fight ended, and not in the way she wanted it to.

A sharp whistle cut through the noise, making every pirate stop. Applejack looked up and saw a pegasus with a rainbow mane, wearing a bandana and typical pirate garb, hovering a good thirty feet in the air. At first, Applejack wondered if this could be Rainbow Blitz, but then dismissed this possibility. This mare was, well, a she; and a fairly young she at that, maybe Applejack’s own age or maybe a bit younger. Maybe his daughter, then?

“You’re good,” she called down.

“'Fanks,” Applejack responded hesitantly, keeping her sword at the ready.

“But I think I’m better,” she finished.

“Then why don'tcha come down here and say that to my face, then, huh?” Applejack demanded.

The pegasus nodded. “I could, but that's boring. What do you say we set a little wager on this?”

“A wager?” Applejack asked, confused. “And the terms are...?”

“You beat me in a one-on-one fight, you sail home without any more trouble from us. You lose, and you come peacefully aboard the Sonic Rainboom.” She paused. “Well, obviously if you die you lose too, but Rainbow Blitz wants you alive.”

A shudder ran up Applejack's back as more rumors flew unbidden through her mind. “Issat so?” she asked, setting her sword down to enunciate and putting in as much venom into her words as she could. “And what does Rainbow Blitz want with me? Make me a conquest? Ah wasn't aware many pegasi liked mounting ground pounders.”

“There is nothing wrong with liking earth ponies!” the rainbow mare snapped, gesturing angrily. “And no! But when you lose, you'll find out!”

Applejack stomped on the hilt of her sword, flipping it back up and catching it with her mouth. “You're cocky,” she said. “Ah 'ike 'at.”

The rainbow mare took a few deep breaths through her nose to calm herself down. “So, do we have ourselves a deal?”

Applejack grunted. “Ah don't think so. Ah've known enough pirates t' know y'all can't be trusted.”

The rainbow mare exaggeratedly clasped a hoof against her chest and sank slightly, as if mortally wounded. “I’m deeply offended!” she said overdramatically, raising the other hoof as if in supplication to her crew. “To think, she hesitates to trust me!”

The crew chuckled at that, even the ones being tended for their wounds.

“Maybe this will help.” She brought a hoof up and solemnly proclaimed, “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Applejack was taken aback. “You know Pinkie Pie?”

“Psh. Yeah. Who doesn't know Pinkie Pie?”

Surprise raised her hoof.

The mare frowned. “Ok... Who besides Surprise doesn't know Pinkie Pie?”

Nopony else moved.

“There ya go,” she said.

Applejack grinned and repeated the gesture. “Alright. Ah'll take that wager.”

The rainbow mare drew her sword, tossed it up into the air, closed her wings, and dropped in free fall to the deck. She landed lightly on her forehooves and caught the sword in her teeth before performing forward roll and popping up in perfect position.

Applejack responded by flipping her own sword in the air and catching it again. “Let's do this,” she growled.

The pegasus mare grinned and charged. Applejack sidestepped and brought her sword down, but to her surprise, the pegasus wasn’t there. She had ducked the obvious strike and charged right by, and Applejack didn’t have time to brace herself before one of her rear hooves tagged her in the chest. It didn’t hurt that much--only her pride--but it did teach her one thing.

This pony was fast.

Applejack stepped back and shifted into a defensive posture. The pegasus hopped around, jabbing relentlessly, looking for any chink in the armor. Applejack moved her sword slightly, doing just enough to deflect the blows. After that fight against the crew, she needed to conserve what little energy she had.

Energy which the pegasus didn’t seem to be lacking. She looked more like a metal tornado, spinning and jabbing and slashing, and frankly Applejack was having a hard time keeping up.

The pegasus suddenly switched tactics, throwing her sword towards her, sliding it along the deck. As Applejack instinctively jumped over it, the pegasus jumped over her, and Applejack was still in the air and couldn’t react in time. Her rear hoof slammed into Applejack’s neck, sending her tumbling to the ground. She managed to hang on to her sword, and quickly forced herself upright again.

The barest hint of admiration might have flickered across the pegasus’s face before she lifted her sword and charged again. She jumped up, as if ready to come down with a punishing blow, but with a quick flap of her wings, somehow shot back down to the deck and brought her sword across. By sheer dumb luck, Applejack managed to block it and hold the blade. With powerful rear hooves, she drove the rainbow mare backwards, slamming her against the mast. The pegasus gasped briefly.

And then the pegasus opened her mouth, extended her tongue, and licked Applejack right on the nose.

Applejack was, to put it lightly, astonished; and didn’t even see the pegasus shift her weight. She did notice, however, when she flew through the air and landed hard on her back, with the wind completely knocked out of her. Applejack fought for breath, and her eyes refused to come back into focus. Unfortunately, she soon realized this was because her eyes were trying to focus on the sword not half an inch from between her eyes.

Applejack's ears flattened. She'd lost.

To her shock, the cyan mare flipped her sword back into its sheath and held her hooves wide. “Congratulations! You win!” she cheered.

“Say wha-?”

“You’ve won a first class, all-expenses paid trip aboard the Sonic Rainboom!”

Applejack could only stare as the mare continued her presentation, and the crew snickered.

“You'll get your own room, with a view of the sea, and you'll get to meet and dine with the one and only Rainbow Blitz!”

The snickers grew louder.

Even the cyan mare joined in the laughter... and then she became deadly serious. “Drop your weapons.”

Applejack growled at the mare. “You cheated!” she accused.

The pegasus’s face darkened. “In what way? How was that not a one-on-one fight?”

“It... It...” Applejack thought as hard as she could, but came up with nothing. It had been underhoofed, for sure; but she technically had not broken her promise. Snarling angrily, she removed her belt and the various knives she carried secreted on her body.
The rainbow mare grinned as Applejack removed one that had been hidden in her boot. “You're honest. I like that in a pony.”

Applejack snorted derisively. “That's rich, coming from a pirate.”

“Meh,” the pegasus retorted. “Honor among thieves and such.”

Applejack stopped short. “Ah ain't a thief.”

“And yet you still have honor. Funny how that works, huh?”

Applejack cocked her head. “That didn't make a lick of sense.”

The pegasus chuckled. “It's a pirate thing.”

Ah, yes, Applejack thought. Pirates. Problem is, pirates aren't the smartest ponies around. After all, going into a job where you can be killed on sight isn't very smart. So Applejack wasn't too worried. She would be out of here in no time.

After all, she herself had only promised to board; not to remain aboard.

Her smug thoughts were only more cemented as the cyan mare pointed a hoof and said, “Derpy, Lyra, Shoeshine, Raindrops. Search the ship. Take what you can, leave whatever you don't want, and then lash the rudder so it's facing towards towards Port Ponyville.” She looked over. “Octavia, escort our guest to her 'chambers'.”

Applejack grinned. Looks like The Zap Apple would live to sail another day, and probably would be recovered. The box of bits was well hidden and there was a good chance that Applejack would eventually be getting everything back.

A few mares on the deck saluted at the assignment, but a gray pegasus mare wearing an eyepatch cheered especially loudly at being chosen. She flapped her wings and crossed the space between the two ships, but misjudged the landing and quite literally crashed through the upper deck, ending up in the lower storage area, sending scraps of wood flying.

“My bad!” she called. “Oh, hey! A box full of bits!”

Applejack whimpered. Now she was afraid for her boat, her bits, and her sanity, unsure if she'd keep any of them. Somepony roughly nudged her forward, and she began the long walk on board the ship of the most feared pirate in history.