//------------------------------// // Pinkie's Crazy Mission // Story: The Secret Life of Pinkamena Pie // by GWFan //------------------------------// By evening, Pinkie Pie, in her Pink Ninja outfit, was standing above a cliff that overlooked the walls of Bangtail. Gummy stood lazily on her back, on top of Pinkie’s sword. “Hmm. Looks pretty noisy in there for being so late,” Pinkie said to Gummy who snapped at a passing moth. “If they’re that busy though, sneaking in should be easy as Pinkie Pie. Besides, my back is itchy. That means it’s my lucky day.” Pinkie giggled to herself as she scaled the slope, or rather ran down the almost perfectly vertical side. Once she reached the bottom, she ducked into some bushes. No sign of movement. Using her ninja stealth techniques, she jumped from bush to bush without disturbing so much as a leaf. Though each bush was a good 10 yards apart, she breezed the distance in moments. Curiously, the drawbridge to the gate was down, allowing easy access over the moat that surrounded the city. “Guess security is pretty lacks, huh Gummy?” As soon as she had said that though, a spotlight turned on right on top of her. “Hey! Who the hay goes there?” A voice rang out. “Oopsy,” Pinkie said embarrassed. “Their’s a weird intruder, Brutus,” Another voice said. “Grab him…er is it a her? It’s pink. Whatever. Just grab it.” “Hold on, I can explain!” Pinkie cried but a guard pony grabbed her. “Who the hay are you? Who are you working for? What’s your business here?” The pony apparently named Brutus, demanded. “A well trained ninja never reveals her secrets,” Pinkie said stubbornly. “This thing’s supposed to be a ninja?” Brutus said to the other guard. “I guess.” “That’s a laugh. Who the hay sent you?” Brutus demanded again but Pinkie said nothing. “Won’t talk eh. Hold her up Coon. This one deserves a lesson.” The guard called Coon, held Pinkie up under her arms while Brutus stepped back a few paces. “I don’t know if you’re familiar with Bangtail customs, but around here, if you don’t talk, you get bucked up.” That said, Brutus lunged, turned around, and bucked with all his might. On contact, Pinkie’s innards spilled out of her stomach. “Wha…wha…wha… what happened Brutus? You bucked her too hard. Her innards came out!” “Innards?” Brutus looked at the damage. “Why are her innards made of candy?” “Well duh. It’s a piñata silly,” Pinkie said from where she was standing a little to Coon’s left. Coon and Brutus stared in shock as they looked from the piñata that looked exactly like the ninja, to Pinkie herself, who probably had a smile on her face if you could see under her mask. “Grab her!” Brutus commanded. Both he and Coon lunged and landed on top of Pinkie. The force of their pony pile crushed her and… once again, candy spilled out. “Hey, you’re cheating! You guys are supposed to use a blindfold and a stick you know,” Pinkie said from where she was standing behind them. “I’ll show you a stick!” Brutus yelled. He grabbed up a random piece of firewood that he kept in his guard booth and swung it at Pinkie who promptly broke open to reveal even more candy. “Curses and mules! This is ridiculous!” Brutus screamed. “Uh, Brutus…,” Coon said pointing. “She’s got us surrounded.” “Eh?” Brutus looked around to see several Pinkie Pie ninjas standing all around them, all laughing and pointing at him. “What do we do now, Brutus?” “Isn’t it obvious? Bust’em all open. One of them has to be that ninja.” And so, Brutus and Coon started smacking the candy out of each ninja. “That was a lot of fun,” Pinkie said, casually walking inside while Brutus and Coon continued to smash up her decoys. “Those two sure love piñata’s,” She said to Gummy who had been absent from the whole affair. “Did you get a good look around?” Gummy nodded and pointed a claw to the left. “Good work, Gummy.” Pinkie dashed swiftly through the outer courtyard, sticking closely to the shadows of the walls to avoid being seen in the moonlight. Of course, being pink and all, she stood out like a pony among crickets. Within minutes, a guard spotted her in the shadows. “Hey! Who is that? Intruder!” An alarm rang out and six more guards ran out of an adjoining room straight at her. “I really need to work on my stealth skills,” Pinkie said to herself. She clapped her hooves together and vanished in a puff of smoke just as the guards reached her. They coughed in the residue as they searched, but Pinkie was nowhere to be seen. “Where did that pink thing go? Spread out! Find that pink intruder!” The captain of the guard bellowed out. The other guards did as he had instructed and split in all directions. The captain ran as well, passing by one of the many fountains in the courtyard. If he had been more attentive to detail, he might have noticed the statue in the center of the fountain morph into a familiar pink ninja with an alligator on her back. “We’ve got to be more careful Gummy. It’s not easy performing all these ninjutsu several times in a row. Let’s hurry.” With that, Pinkie dashed off, intent on completing her mission. The alarm bell rang for the first time in years, interrupting Sire Dressage’s map studying. Nopony had ever gotten past his security before and there had never been a need to raise the alarm. This was completely unacceptable. Dressage raced to the intercom system that was little more than a series of tubes similar to those found on ships to connect various decks and rooms. “What is going on down there?” He bellowed into the tube that connected with the main guard barracks. “There’s an intruder in the fortress sir,” one of the standby guards answered. “A strange pony in a pink getup was just spotted in the courtyard.” “Pink?” Dressage repeated, feeling a little stunned that such a flashy pony could get in. “Where is the intruder now?” “I’m not sure sir. The captain is looking for the intruder as we speak.” “Unbelievable. Get your act together soldier! Capture that intruder immediately.” “Yes, sir!” Dressage fumed, his long grey moustache swaying with his flaring nostrils. Somepony wearing pink? Who would be crazy enough to wear that color of all things when infiltrating anyplace? The culprit was either overconfident in his abilities or stupid. “Front gate… who’s on duty right now? Brutus! What is going on? Do you know there is an intruder in the fortress?” “Uh… yes sir. Some kind of female pony in a pink ninja suit just snuck in a few minutes ago.” “Pink ninja?” Dressage repeated. “What!? Pink ninja!? Why didn’t you report it?” “Well… uh… we sort of got preoccupied sir.” “Preoccupied? Preoccupied with what?” Down in the front gate, Brutus briefly looked behind him. There was tons of debris on the ground from busted piñatas that he and Coon had spent the last few minutes beating. “She caught us in a trap.” “Well this ninja is inside now. Get to work and catch her immediately! Dressage out.” Brutus stepped away from the communication system and returned to the mess on the drawbridge. “Coon! Drop it. That one’s mine.” “Awww. No fair Brutus, you already have most of the chocolate bars. Can’t I at least have a few?” Brutus snatched the chocolate bar from Coon and placed it in his own pile of candy. “I’m your senior, so I get first dibs. I want the chocolate bars.” Coon stared pitifully at his much smaller pile of candy. Then he rummaged through it and pulled out some. “I’ll trade you three rainbow candies for one of your chocolate bars.” Brutus looked longingly at the three pieces of candy. He didn’t have many of those in his pile. “All right. Deal.” Brutus accepted the candies and then continued gathering up what was left of the candy and other goodies on the drawbridge. The fortress was on high alert and Pinkie was finding it difficult to pick her way through without being seen. She had had to use her ninja skills several times to hide from passing guards and she could feel her reserve energy being drained. She would have to start relying on basic skills, tools, or even her secret weapon if this kept up. She was already running low on smoke bombs too. “Intruder! I found her!” A voice came from a ways behind her. For once, Pinkie was feeling a little frustrated. It had been a while since the last time she had had a mission. She thought about using her smoke escape again but she didn’t want to use up all of her energy before meeting Dressage, in case she had to fight him. So instead, Pinkie ran. She met a few small groups of guards in her path here and there, but a few swift chops to the back of the neck rendered them unconscious in moments. Unfortunately, more and more guards were joining the chase behind her. She already had about twenty of them on her tail. To make matters worse, she didn’t know the layout of the fortress, which soon became all the more apparent when she ran into an enclosed room with no other exits. Almost no other exits. Pinkie spied a small window in the back of the room. It was too small for her to fit through, but… “Gummy, go on ahead and scout a path for me. I’ll distract them and catch up later,” She instructed. Gummy made a saluting gesture with his claw and leapt up to the window, only looking back once before he made his escape. Pinkie smiled behind her mask. Sneaking around was Gummy’s specialty. There was no way he could confront Dressage though, since he wasn’t much of a fighter, so Pinkie wanted to meet back up with him as soon as possible. She would have to deal with the guards first though. Moments later, some twenty three guards stormed into the room and surrounded her. “Careful around the intruder!” The captain shouted as he made his way through the guards that had crowded into the room. “She’s already taken out several of our own and…,” As the captain pushed to the front, he stopped and stared at what the other guards had been looking at. The intruder had nowhere to go, but for some reason, she was waving around a rubber chicken in her mouth, that squeaked with every shake. “Captain,” The nearest guard spoke to him. “What is the intruder doing?” The captain stared, not sure what to make of this strange behavior. Not only was she waving the rubber chicken around, but he could hear her singing behind clenched teeth, “One, two, buckle my shoe; three, four, shut the door; five, six, pick up sticks; seven, eight, lay them straight; nine, ten, begin again.” The captain found himself dumbfounded. It seemed that the intruder had completely lost it. But Pinkie Pie hadn’t lost it. As soon as she had gone through the song a second time, she threw the rubber chicken into the air. All eyes followed it, including the captain who was only vaguely aware of something pink dashing around him and leaping over the other guards. “Wha…what?” The captain finally noticed her, but she was already out the door. “Don’t just stand there! After-” “Squeak!” The captain turned around just as the rubber chicken let out an incredible noise and abruptly exploded in a cloud of mist. “Dang it!” The captain shouted as he coughed on the mist. “Hurry! After her…,” But his orders were never followed. His eyelids sank and before he knew what was happening, the captain and the rest of the guards were asleep. “Awww, you partied too hard. Sweet dreams my little angels,” Pinkie said, looking back into the room. Though the mist wafted around her as well, the cloth mask around her muzzle was dipped in a special substance that kept the sleeping gas out. Pinkie turned away from the door happily. Even though she had to use her only rubber chicken, it was a necessary step to finding Sire Dressage with as little conflict as possible. Just as she started to march, she suddenly felt a twitch. Ear flop, eye flutter, knee twitch. It was the combo that meant, watch for opening doors. The door to the adjoining outhouse opened and a pony stepped out, only momentarily surprised by Pinkie Pie’s presence. “The intruder! I found the-” Pinkie pushed him back into the outhouse and shut the door before galloping away. Of course, that wasn’t enough to stop the lone guard who chased after her. “I’ll get you! I’ll get you!” the guard shouted, hot on her heels, or at least he would have been if she had heels. He saw her duck into a room, but the guard knew that it was no use. That room was little more than storage. “I’m going to get that promotion this time,” he said to himself. He opened the storage room door and… “Surprise!” “What?” The guard paled as party streamers and confetti flew everywhere. The room was decked out in balloons, decorations, a covered table, and a giant cake. “Happy birthday!” A pink pony with no ninja garb suddenly jumped in front of him. Though the guard should have suspected that something was wrong since his birthday wasn’t for another few months, his lip trembled anyway. Under Sire Dressage’s law, he hadn’t celebrated his birthday in years. “I… I don’t know what to say. How did you do all this?” “This is nothing for the queen of parties. Now come on. Let’s party!” Music played, more confetti flew, and the guard pony felt so alive that he started dancing. Pinkie Pie quietly left the room. “That was kind of a mean trick, but he seems so happy. There’s not a lot of fun that goes on around here is there,” she said to herself. She was back in her ninja costume, though in truth, she had never actually taken it off. The captain opened his eyes groggily. He was only vaguely aware of somepony shouting. “Report! Report! Has anypony caught that intruder yet!?” The captain paled when he realized it was Dressage yelling into the communication system. Out of pure fear, he didn’t have the guts to tell his commander that they had lost sight of the intruder due to an exploding chicken. “Get up! Get up you foals! Now! We have to catch the intruder!” The captain yelled at his still sleeping subordinates. Slowly they all came to. The Captain raced outside, turning every which way, wondering where the intruder had gone. “Quickly, to the storage room and grab some weapons. I want that crafty intruder taken down on sight.” He galloped to the storage room and bolted in. Or at least he almost did. There was a lone guard dancing in the center of the room to unheard music. When the guard saw him, he smiled. “Captain? You made it to my birthday party. Here, try some cake. It’s delicious.” The guard offered him a cardboard box that had a bite taken out of it. The captain slowly closed the door. He turned to his other subordinates who hadn’t seen the happenings of the storage room. “Never mind the weapons. Just catch that intruder.” The guards saluted him and ran off in search of the strange pink pony. The captain on the other hoof, leaned against the door and rubbed his chin. “One of the reports claimed the intruder was a ninja. She kind of looked like one too,” he said to himself. He peaked back into the storage room where the lone guard was playing limbo with a broomstick. Ninjas didn’t exist in real life and yet he was almost certain that he was looking at a pony under some kind of illusion technique. The captain ground his teeth. He wasn’t going to take any chances with this insane intruder anymore. The only place she could be heading was Sire Dressage’s quarters. He wasn’t sure his guards had the ability to stop her from getting there. But… “Alert! Alert!” A voice boomed out of the communications system. “Intruder spotted in the fourth floor main hallway.” The captain remained surprisingly calm under this news. She was definitely heading where he thought she was going. He closed the lines to all of the communications speakers except for the one that lead to Sire Dressage’s quarters. “Sir, I have a report.” “I think I already know what it is, captain,” Sire dressage answered back. “The intruder is coming to me, isn’t she?” The captain was surprised. “Yes sir. I’m positive that she is.” There was a brief pause before he heard Dressage’s voice again. “If she does, I already have a plan in place. Get up here now.” Pinkie Pie zipped through the hallway, unsure of exactly where she was supposed to go. The fortress was pretty big and it seemed that Sire Dressage could be anywhere. She had to meet up with Gummy, wherever he had gone. Abruptly she felt a twitch in her left back leg. There were more guards coming. Either that or elephants were stampeding down the hall. Of course, she wasn’t fortunate enough for it to be elephants, and several more guards ran out of the gloom in front of her. Not having much else she could do at the moment, Pinkie Pie jumped through one of the many windows that lined the hallway, or rather crashed through it since it wasn’t open. “Dramatic exit!” she screamed as broken glass exploded all around her. Pinkie then did a swan dive into a wagon full of hay, which happened to be sitting in the courtyard. Fortunately, the guards didn’t follow her. Apparently, they weren’t paid enough to defy logic and take a leap of faith into haystacks from death defying heights. Pinkie stuck her head out of the hay, checking for signs that anypony else had seen her. When the cost looked to be clear, she jumped out and started back towards the castle on tiphoof. As she rounded a corner though, she bumped into a guard who had fallen asleep on his hooves. “Eh… who?” The guard rubbed sleep from his eyes, only then remembering the alert that had sounded a while before. “The intruder? Don’t move!” At that moment though, Pinkie started to shutter. “Oh oh,” She exclaimed. “Ear flop, pinchy knee, itchy back, tail twitch…,” Pinkie gasped in surprise. “Oh no! Have you been poisoned!?” “What!” The guard freaked out. “What do you mean poisoned? Am I done for? Is this it?” “Oh wait, silly me,” Pinkie waved her hoof at the guard. “Poison is ear flop, pinchy knee, tail twitch and then itchy back. Ear flop, pinchy knee, itchy back, tail twitch, means watch out for sharp teeth.” “Huh? Youch!” The guard jumped ten feet in the air. “Gummy!” Pinkie exclaimed happily to the alligator that stood behind where the guard had been. “You found me. Do you know where Sire Dressage is?” Gummy nodded and pointed up to a high window. “Good work.” “He bit me!” The guard raged at Pinkie. “That alligator bit me in the flank!” “Whoops!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Tail twitch, ear flop, pinchy knee.” “Wait, what does that mean?” The guard asked, remembering her sharp teeth prediction. “It means… run for the hills!” “Oh my gosh!” The guard screamed and bolted for the front gate, headed for the hills. “He’s so excited,” Pinkie told Gummy. “I hardly ever get the combo that means something good is going to happen in the hills.” Gummy merely blinked at her. “Come on Gummy. It’s time to pay Sire Dressage a visit.” With that, Pinkie tied a rope to Gummy’s tail, spun him around like a lasso and launched him up to the window he had indicated. Gummy grabbed onto the window ledge with his teeth and Pinkie swiftly climbed the rope. Her mission was almost complete.