//------------------------------// // 85 - Chronicles: Pie // Story: Re:Harmony // by starcross7 //------------------------------// Chapter 85 - Chronicles: Pie   Scootaloo managed to flip the breaker switch just in time before somepony really got hurt.  Sure, Pinkie Pie could be misunderstood in her wants and needs, but she didn't deserve to be pepper sprayed to the corner.  The lights finally flashed on, and Pinkie was on the ground begging her attackers to stop.  All at once, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Rarity, and even Fluttershy dropped their electric prod, pepper spray, folding chair, and a wobbly saw when they discovered the identity of their "assailant".   "Pinkie Pie?" Rarity asked.  "Why did you have to go and scare us that?" "Sorry," coughed Pinkamena.  "I got a peanut stuck on my throat, which would explain why I sounded like the Olden Pony of legend."   "That doesn't explain why your mane was straight.  You were a completely different pony."   "That?  Oh, that doesn't happen very often.  My mane usually reacts to my mood, but today I was drenched by so much melted snow that I didn't have time to dry off.  Hold on."     The pink pony took a big gulp of water.  Upon clearing her throat, she tested her singing voice with a high note that rumbled a ziggurat of wine glasses two tables down.  Then she blew onto the tip of her hoof, and instantly her mane and tail expanded back to its poofy form.  Even with her usually wide grin, Pinkie Pie still appeared threatening.  Yet a few minutes ago, her appearance was terrifying.   "Transformation complete," said Pinkie.  "Boy, this blizzard is a doozy.  Because of that, I had random birds coming in and trying to eat my cake and pies.  Then some toucan shorted out the electricity because he and his gal pal tried to microwave some pizza rolls."   "So those weren't Scootaloo's feathers?" asked Fluttershy.   "No, silly.  Who do you think I am?  Some kind of mass murderer who chops up ponies and bakes them into cupcakes?"   "Um, no!  We would never think of such things!"   "But why do you need us for some 'special ingredients'?" Apple Bloom asked.   "The ingredients is you!" Pinkie answered.  "I need to take a picture of all of you so I can make cake sculptures of you guys.  I already made one for Rainbow Dash!"   It might be just half-finished at the front, but the cake sculpture of Rainbow Dash looked creepy.  It had a murderously gaping smile, strands of rainbow frosting for a mane that looked like snakes, and fruit filling that looked too close to blood and organs.  Scootaloo had heard from the adult ponies on the ship that they wanted to "eat" Rainbow Dash.  Here was their chance, if they could stomach chewing through chocolate-covered croissants rolled up to look like the stuff coming out of a pony's plot.   "So what brings you girls over here?" asked Pinkie Pie.  "Do you want to help me set up the decorations?"   "I came to deliver the capes and masks for Rainbow Dash and Applejack to wear in the pre-race festivities," said Rarity, "but we also came here to find the Captain herself."   "What for?"   "The girls want to know how Miss Dash received her, um, 'Pretty Marks'?  Is that what they call it?"   "I thought it was called 'Awesome Marks'," added Fluttershy.   "The girls are trying to call it something other Destiny Glyph, Heaven's Insignia, or Nature's Call.  I do agree that they do sound too pretentious and old-fashioned, although the one Gaea uses--"   "Sounds like a pony going to the bathroom?" said Pinkie Pie.  "I can agree with you on that, and back at the orphanage, they will not allow you to make fun of it.  Ooh, that reminds of the story of when I got my mark.  Do you want to hear about it?"   "Oh, it's quite all right.  I'm pretty sure you are quite busy with your--"   "It all started a long time ago in a town far, far and away…"   Back then, I was called Danger Pie, rogue savior of Filly Block 2 of the Ponyville Orphanarium.  The Headmistress Sharpener ruled the Orphanarium with an iron hoof, and she did her best to make my home the most boringest in all the world.   The walls were gray.  The ceiling was gray.  The floor was gray.  Our clothes were gray, and even the food was gray.  They made me wear a gray headscarf every day because of my pink hair.  At first, I took it off because I didn't like it.  Then they decided to make me wear a steel headscarf complete with a lock and key.  That didn't go too well since I tried to spray paint it pink whenever I got a chance.  Eventually they gave up and instead gave me the Cone of Awesomeness, which I happily wore day and night.  I didn't ask to find out why it smelled like dog poo.   I did my best to have the most fun at the Orphanarium.  One time, I brought home a manticore, but he ruined the rusty swing sets and slides on his visit.  That left us orphans with only rocks to play with.  But that was okay, because many of these rocks became my best friends.  Except for Rocky.  He always gets on my nerves.  I couldn't make friends with the other fillies and colts because they were always jealous of my Cone of Awesomeness and they always tried to destroy it by pelting me with rocks.  I tell ya, that Cone has been through a lot.   We rarely get to go out from the Orphanarium, and when we do, it was for special "talent discovery" trips to Sewer Town where they teach us how to make wallets, purses, and other pony accessories in a windowless gray building.  The ponies with the whips were kind of annoying though.  One time, one of them whipped my plot so many times that I couldn't sit for weeks.  Good thing I stashed ice in my secret cooler in my secret hidey spots from last winter.  Too bad they were melted and had dead cockroaches floating inside.   There was this one time when we were let out of the windowless gray building early due to asbestos cleaning.  With the allowance they gave us, the orphans and I were allowed to go out and buy one thing in Sewer Town.  The colts mainly bought magazines with mares in weird poses, and the fillies tried to buy cheap jewelry.  I on the other hoof followed my nose, and my nose led me to the happiest place in all of Gaea.   Sugarcube Corner.  Wow.  Who knew that three white cubes stacked together would be the most interesting building in all of Sewer Town?  The line was long, but I was determined to wait it out and find out what made my nose tingle.   Several minutes later, I finally entered the shop.  I never seen so many happy ponies, donkeys, buffaloes, and Diamond Dogs all in one place, and usually these races were at each other's throats in the Ponyville Slums.  I squeezed past a lanky yellow stallion who galloped out of the store in a hurry and I saw in the glass displays the most delicious treats I have ever seen.   They had scones, waffle cones, and croissants--oh my!  They had cakes shaped like houses, cakes shaped like rakes, and cakes shaped like snakes.  They even had edible colors I could not have imagined.  That green frosting on the brownie looked and smelled more appetizing than the green stuff I found on the month-old bread I ate at the Orphanarium.   Yet there was one treat that caught my youthful eye, and lo and behold it was the elusive red velvet cupcake.  I knew it was the one because Granny Pie bought me one for my birthday shortly before she died of a heart attack after being run over by a runaway wheelchair.  I wanted to buy it, but I was one bit too short and the other customers waiting in line were yelling at me to hurry up.  I nearly sulked away sadly when the nice shopkeeper pony called me back saying that I forgot to pick up my reserved order for that very same cupcake.  I didn't recall ever coming here before, and this might even be the first time I have ever visited this place.  Turns out, the cupcake I pre-ordered was only two bits instead of three, so I must have come here last night.  After all, I always snuck out and try to bring in discarded crayons and coloring books from the Ponyville Dumpsters.   I didn't want to eat the cupcake right away, no sirree.  I had to reserve that for a special occasion, and that occasion was my Several Days Before My Birthday Celebration that took place the next day.  I had everything prepared for that next morning: mismatched socks, streamers made out of old newspapers, party hats made out of old adult magazines, you name it.  I brought my wagon full of party goodies and my rock friends out into the yard, but that's when it hit me.   A rock hit me.  And it was a big rock too.  The other colts and fillies, still jealous of my Cone of Awesomeness, starting pelting me with rocks and pelted my rock friends with rocks.  I mourned the loss of Rocky and the others, but nopony will take me away from my red velvet cupcake, or they can pry it from my cold dead hooves.  But I wasn't ready to die yet.  I escaped through a hole I made in the barb wire fence and ran down the drab gray streets of the Ponyville Slums with the cupcake balanced on my muzzle.  What I didn't realize that the Pegasi Warning Alarms were going off, and all the ponies in the city were in a panic for some reason.  Well, I was in a panic, and it wasn't because of any pegasus or whatever.  The other orphans wanted my cupcake and my Cone of Awesomeness, and they were still chasing me.  Luckily, I lost them by running into the nearest building and climbed the stairs all the way to the rooftop.   Right when I reached the roof, I saw a bright and colorful explosion ripping across the sky followed by a loud boom that knocked my socks off--literally!  Because of that, I fell over, crushed my Cone of Awesomeness into pieces, and then accidentally crushed my cupcake--my poor precious cupcake!  In tears, I licked whatever I can off the concrete, and aside from the cigarette aftertaste, the tasty remains of my treat was just as I remembered when Granny Pie died.     Yet despite my loss, that streak of rainbow remained in the sky.  It was as if a blue cutting knife cut a swath through the gray clouds and allowed the sun to bathe everypony with sunshine and smiles.  I knew it was the case because I couldn't keep myself from smiling.  It soon dawned on me that I shouldn't hoard all the happiness to myself.  It should be spread around as liberally as possible so that everyone could experience the happiness I felt when I saw the rainbow explosion in the sky.  There were so many miserable ponies in the world, and I knew the best place to start.   The Gaean National Bank.  I needed a costume and some tools to spread my joy.  So I borrowed a sleeping homeless pony's ski mask and his raggedy brown coat as well as some iron pipes to use for my makeshift fireworks.  I had this all perfectly planned right when I entered the Bank.  I stood at the back of the line, set off my fireworks into the air and shouted:   "Everypony put your hooves up!"   I was going to add "and wave them in the air like youjust don't care", but the security guards starting firing at me.  How mean!  I was only trying to cheer them up, but instead all the customers and the tellers dropped to the floor.  This was too early for nap time, but none of that mattered when angry police officers were chasing me on hoof and on hoof-drawn carts shooting away their guns that made my ears ring.  In the streets of Ponyville, I darted left, and I darted right.  I galloped through shady alleyways, climbed ladders, and leapt from rooftop to rooftop like a batmare.  The police tried to run me over several times whenever I was on the ground, but they always ended up missing me by a hair.  After they missed me the last time, they lost control of their cart, which then crashed into a trashcan that launched into the air and shattered the window of a nearby pizza place.   I don't know how it happened, but somehow I managed to work all the citizens in an excited frenzy.  They were all hooting, hollering, drinking, and breaking windows and street lamps with smiles on their faces.  A lot of fires had been started, but at the very least, they were there for everypony to roast marshmallows that we got from the burning grocery store.     "And that's how Equestria was born!" said Pinkie Pie as she stood heroically on her hind legs on top of the table with a creamed velvet cupcake held high like a sacred sword.  The pink pony became confused when she noticed that the fillies as well as Rarity and Fluttershy were sobbing, but then they all shook their heads and tears upon a sudden realization of absurdness formulating in their heads.  The story was so outlandish that they couldn't decide if they should be sad, confused, or angry with the storyteller.  If there was a sad ring of truth to the tale, then Pinkie Pie most likely buried it deep.     "Wait a minute!" cried Scootaloo.  "That's how you got your mark?" "Oh, that," said Pinkie after glancing back at her flank of blue and yellow balloons.  "I guess I got it at the same time right when that block party started."   "And what's an Equestria?" Sweetie Belle asked.   "Dunno.  I wanted end my story with a comedic note, and for some reason 'Equestria' rolls right off the tongue.  Sounds like a silly pony's name, don't you think?" "If setting fires to cities was that is need to get a mark," said Scootaloo, "then I would've gotten mine ten times over!  Pinkie, was Rainbow Dash here?"   "You just missed her," replied Dripping Pink Madness.  "Right after she approved of the life-sized cake I made for her, she went off to the library saying that she was going to 'eat out a bookworm'.  She looked really strange when she said that with all her tongue moving across her lips.  I'm not trying to judge her or anything, but eating bookworms doesn't sound healthy."   "This ship has a library?" Apple Bloom asked.   "Rainbow Dash is going to eat a bookworm?" asked Fluttershy.   "I never thought an airship like this would have a library," added Sweetie Belle.   "Well, um, yeah!" exclaimed Scootaloo.  "The Captain isn't just athletic, she is also well-versed in the art of book smarts.  Now let's hurry over there before we miss Rainbow Dash again!"           "And before she eats a bookworm!" cried Fluttershy.  "Let's go!"