//------------------------------// // Working with Nonsense // Story: Artemis Fowl: The Equine Dominion // by _No_One_Remains_ //------------------------------// “Your intellect will only get us so far, Mud Boy!” Commander Root growled in exhaustion, swinging the smallest human over his shoulder onto a particularly high ledge just a few meters away from the entrance of the now-twisted library house. Just below him, the troll of a man carried a familiar statue with cautious strength; all while holding the rock face with flawless grip. Recovering from the sudden impact with the ground, Artemis called back, “You are correct, commander, though my intellect will get us where we need to be.” He stared at the device in his hand, what had been a trump card a mere hour ago. Now it was nothing but a wasted culmination of isotopes and technology. He sighed, “If we can only get to Foaly’s crash site, there’s a chance I can set things back to normal.” Juliet, struggling to scramble up the side of the cliff, scoffed, “You’ve totally been right so far, haven’t you!” She plopped down on the ground, just barely over the edge, exhausted from the climb. “I see your point.” The boy brushed himself off as he stood and continued on toward the largest tree in Ponyville. Dismissive and cold, how he was meant to be. By the time his entourage had reached the top and recovered, he was standing just in front of them with a stack of books and parchment. The second of the LEPrecon helmets rested almost perfectly over his head, a dull green light beaming from the visor. The commander snapped, “Be careful with that tech, Mud Boy! We can’t afford it shorting out on us again!” Ignoring the fairy, Artemis rolled out a piece of parchment on the ground and fell to his knees. Like a machine, he scratched across the paper with a feather pen in arcs and angles, calculating some sort of plan that only he could have knowledge of. The helmet’s visor flickered blue periodically as he drew his diagram, text and numbers scrolling over his view with impressive speed. Patiently, the rest of the group sat, knowing that no matter what else stood true, Artemis was one of the only people that could fix this mess. After all, he had caused it. When at last his arm stopped moving and the visor stopped flickering, Artemis released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “What have we learned about this world?” He snapped his eyes toward Captain Short expectantly. “Uh…well…” she stammered, the laws of the world not taking priority in her mind. “The pony magic is a form of radiation.” “Correct. What else?” he turned toward Root. The commander growled, “Our magic’s limited here.” “Right. But what else?” Juliet chimed in, “Twilight used her magic to fix the helmets?” Artemis leaped to his feet and chuckled, “That’s absolutely right, Juliet! Congratulations.” Turning toward Butler, he continued, “The radiation these ponies call ‘magic’ was able to reactivate the nuclear battery inside the LEPrecon helmets. However, that revelation alone isn’t enough to stop Discord.” At that very moment, a small pony drifted past their small camp, body twisted into an abominable shape, gravity seemingly ignoring her silent thoughts. Artemis welcomed the convenience. “As you can see, the ponies in this town, and most likely every other town in Equestria, have been affected by Discord’s magic. The ones who weren’t turned to stone,” he nodded at Twilight Sparkle’s statue resting beside Butler, “have been molded like genetic clay into disgusting creations.” Butler groaned, “If the ponies are so damaged by the magic, why aren’t we?” “And that is the real question, Butler! We aren’t affected by Discord’s magic, not in a physical sense.” Artemis swiped his parchment off of the ground and held it up for his friends to read. He explained, “If ponies can recharge our equipment, but we can’t be twisted by Discord’s magic, what can we assume about this world’s magic?” Captain Short sighed, “Are we immune to it? How would that work?” Juliet scoffed, “You said yourself that Discord’s been messing with our heads! We can’t be immune to the magic…” “Think about this: the LEPrecon helmets run off of nuclear energy, so when Twilight poured her radioactive magic into one of them, it came back to life. We learned that it wasn’t the radioactive sunlight keeping you from using certain powers, it was this world’s disdain of that kind of magic.” Artemis rested the parchment on the ground again and chuckled, “Have you tried using your—what was it called?—shielding?” “It hasn’t worked since we got here, why would it work now?” Commander Root growled, not even considering wasting his magical reserves. “Humor me.” Captain Short rolled her eyes as she stood up, focusing her magic through her body. She felt a familiar tingle as her heart rate increased rapidly, her body beginning to vibrate at the influence of the magic. To the humans’ awe, parts of her body simply vanished in thin air, barely any kind of evidence left behind of her presence. Root couldn’t help but let out an impressed grunt. The captain continued focusing her magic until every last inch of surface was hidden from sight. She scoffed, “Well this is new!” “That doesn’t make any sense!” Mulch burst from the ground just behind Artemis, several weird looking bugs crawling through his beard. A large bag was thrown over his shoulder. “Doesn’t it?” Artemis smugly retorted. “This world isn’t running on its own laws anymore; Discord’s law is in control. Any powers that ‘harmony’ negated are no longer limited.” Root snapped, “And you figured this out how, Mud Boy?” Holly returned to the visible spectrum as she sat back down, curious to listen to the human’s explanation. Beyond all other traits, the boy was clever. Butler shifted on the ground, the statue of Twilight Sparkle within a second’s reach. “It only makes sense, amidst all of this nonsensical garbage.” Artemis picked up his parchment once more, this time actually pointing to a spot on it. “Assume this central point on the diagram is Foaly’s workstation, resting in the capital city of Canterlot. If my hypothesis is correct, the box should remain intact despite being so near to the epicenter of Discord’s magic.” Mulch chuckled as he rummaged through his bag, “Are you gonna explain that hypothesis of yours? Or are we supposed to figure it out ourselves?” Artemis, gritting his teeth in annoyance, backtracked mentally. “If I’m correct in assuming that Twilight Sparkle’s magic only affected the LEPrecon helmet because the energies were compatible, then I can also assume that Foaly’s box will be unharmed by Discord’s incompatible magic.” He took a breath to continue before a shrieking pony shot past his face. Holly took the opportunity to criticize the human’s assumptions, “Why would you say Discord’s magic is ‘incompatible’ with Foaly’s lab?” Still slightly unnerved by the sudden explosion of sound, Artemis started, “Take a look. None of us earthlings are affected physically by his magic. Just as well, neither are the helmets or your pistols.” The boy nodded at the holster on Root’s belt, then waved toward the pistol strapped to Butler’s chest. “That’s all well and good,” Mulch whistled, tossing a few of the beard bugs into his mouth, “but I say it’s just coincidence.” “I do not believe in coincidences, Mr. Diggums. Especially in this case: Discord went to the trouble of disabling the few ponies that could actually stop him.” He dropped the parchment to the ground and hastily stepped to Twilight Sparkle’s side. “The bearers of the Elements of Harmony, the gemstones that embody this world’s laws; they held the power to seal Discord away twice.” “So he turned them to stone so they couldn’t fight him, big deal. Maybe he just doesn’t see us as a threat!” Juliet chimed in, unconvinced that her brother’s charge was still thinking rationally. Commander Root added, “Why would we be threat? He’s been playing us since the beginning!” Artemis tapped the symbol on the flank of the petrified unicorn and smiled. “Oh, but Discord knows us, and what we’re capable of. He knows for a fact that we’re threats…” He took several calculated steps back before continuing, “Would you kindly shoot Ms. Sparkle, Butler?” The bodyguard cocked an eyebrow and grunted, “Excuse me?” “You heard me clearly; I want you to shoot her in some non-fatal location.” “Why would I do that?” Butler snapped, almost outraged that he could be asked to do such a thing. The boy frowned, more than a little irritated. “I suppose a rather large rock could achieve the same effect, though none of these are from our world.” His face twisted back to indifference as he repeated, “Shoot the statue, Butler.” “I won’t do that, Artemis.” Captain Short leapt from her spot on the ground with impressive speed, shoving her way between the helpless statue and the apparently malicious young human. She spat, “What reason could you possibly have for shooting a helpless creature?” Anger flooded her eyes. Animals were almost always special to fairykind. Almost. “If you must know, Captain Short, I need to test my hypothesis on this poor pony. I could skip the bullet step altogether if she weren’t in such optimal shape. I suppose the necessity of the bullet is her fault entirely…” “What in the world are you talking about?!” the fairy captain snapped in a dangerous mixture of confusion and anger. “Twilight Sparkle has suffered no physical injury. In fact, it’s safe to assume that she is healthier inside that petrified state than she could ever hope to be as a normal equine. I would wager that, due to Discord’s demented magic, she’s even consciously listening to us as we squabble.” He turned away from the defensive fairy and waved toward the mountainside town of Canterlot. “Just as Discord had been conscious during his entrapment, so should be the Elements of Harmony. In our situation, however, we need only the one.” “So you wanna shoot a conscious, helpless pony! You’ve got some nerve, Mud Boy!” Root stood from his seat, his face flushing red in unexaggerated anger. Human negligence was one of the highest priorities on his list of pet peeves, surpassed only by human cruelty. The human shook his head in annoyance, tapping his temple rhythmically. “What is it like in your heads? It has to be dull!” He turned back to stare into Captain Short’s eyes, “You couldn’t heal me earlier because I wasn’t actually damaged. The only thing your attempts to heal me achieved was the waste of magic. It stands to reason that if I were to ask you to heal Twilight Sparkle she would need to be damaged first.” The two fairies exchanged looks of sudden clarity, understanding what the boy was saying. Their gazes still held silent disapproval of his methods, but the captain stood down. With a hesitant step, she allowed the human to approach the statue. “What would healing the pony accomplish, exactly?” Commander Root inquired, still uncertain that the boy was in the right frame of mind. “If we truly are immune to Discord’s magic, as the captain’s ability to shield would suggest, then perhaps your magic can grant temporary immunity to other—more native—parties.” Once again he looked toward his bodyguard, who still stood with an outraged stance. “Butler, I will ask you again: Will you shoot the statue of Twilight?” The brute met eyes with both of the fairy officers, receiving nods of hesitant approval, before finally grunting, “Very well, Artemis. I sincerely hope your assumptions are correct.” Pulling the Sig Sauer from its holster, Butler released a single bullet directly into the flank of the unicorn, the symbol adorning it corrupting with cracked stone and small trickles of blood. An unnerving feeling passed through him, as if something had vibrated in his body. For a second he imagined a scream ringing out through the air. Holly wasted no time pouring the magic from her fingertips into the wound, the sparks at first simply bouncing back up her arm before finally finding purchase in the cracks of the stone. After only a few short breaths, the metal casing squeezed from the wound, the blood simply evaporating from the surface. Holly was about to stop her magic’s flow when a thundering cracking sound rang out. In the blink of an eye, following the silhouette of the unicorn, the stone split like the seam of a doll’s stitching, exposing the stuffing to the outside world. Only in this case the stuffing was a living, breathing, magical horse. Letting out a quiet yelp of pain and rubbing her flank softly, Twilight Sparkle was freed from her stone prison. Despite the unorthodox methods used to go about freeing her, the fairies couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by the scene they caused in doubting Artemis’s ideas. As Holly turned to apologize to the boy, an astounding sight caught her eyes. A smile. It wasn’t the common smug smile that usually adorned Artemis’s face. It wasn’t one of confidence or cockiness or power. The smile he had on his face was one of genuine happiness. He was happy that he’d been right. More importantly, he was happy that his correctness had been able to help someone. A genuine smile. Artemis laughed, “It’s quite good to have you back and able, Ms. Sparkle. There is much to be done.” His smile vanished in an instant as he retrieved his parchment from the ground. “We need to reach Canterlot as soon as possible. To be more specific, we need to reach Foaly’s workstation as soon as possible. The entirety of the rest of my plan hinges on us getting there before Foaly.” “Excuse me?” Holly cocked an eyebrow. Commander Root groaned, “What makes you think he didn’t dart for it as soon as the magical fallout happened?” “I imagine Twilight can tell you all about Discord, and how he most certainly wouldn’t make it easy for our half-horse friend. Whatever is happening in Canterlot, Foaly isn’t inside his box. Discord would never allow it.” The young boy rolled the parchment up hastily and tucked it into his dirt-stained coat. “We need to get there soon. Discord is capable, but I hardly think he’ll be able to keep Foaly out forever.” “Why do you say that?” Juliet chimed in once more, still taking in everything she had heard. Artemis chuckled grimly, “It’s just as the commander said before: ‘intellect will only get us so far.’ At the same time, it will get Foaly even further.” He took several determined steps toward the contorted library house before sighing, “If only we had a means of reaching the town quicker…” Almost instantly, as if anticipating the comment, Mulch popped to life from the edge of his little hole in the ground. Holding the bag as high as his short arms would allow, he cheered, “I have you covered on that one!”