Of Horses And Whorses

by GeodesicDragon


Explanations

You stand before a group of ponies, sweat forming on your brow. Zayna stands by your side, snickering to herself while the crowd looks on in confusion. You are trying to explain the different terminology behind your profession, to clear up any differences that may remain, but it's proving difficult. Wiping your brow, you continue speaking regardless.

"Saddling," you say. "Saddling is the process of putting a saddle blanket and saddle in the proper places and making sure the straps are tight enough. I don't see how that could possibly be dirty."

"Saddles are often worn by whorses," one of the ponies in the crowd replies. "They are often seen as a sign of their profession. Any mare, or stallion in some cases, who wears a saddle in public is basically saying that they're up for anything with anypony."

You blink in surprise a couple of times. "Okay, I see it now," you shake your head. "Thank you for the delightful mental images."

Zayna giggles. "I don't know, master," she says. "Maybe I should keep wearing the saddle. After all, some of these stallions are quite nice to look at — especially that big red one." She licks her lips involuntarily, before she notices your wide-eyed stare. "Sorry, master... er, shall we move on? I believe you were about to explain the meaning of 'breaking in'."

A few of the stallions in the crowd titter at this. You roll your eyes and sigh, rubbing your hands together as you pace around your makeshift stage. "Breaking in is the process of getting a new horse used to carrying a saddle and a rider," you say. "That's all there is to it — it only sounds dirty... like 'mounting'."

The stallions fall over howling with laughter, much to the chagrin of the mares with them. "It would seem that this is too much for you," Zayna grumbles. "So perhaps you should leave. After all, 'mounting' is just getting into the saddle — so it's not as lewd as you seem to think it is." She pauses. "And I'll have you know that I really like it when my master mounts me."

Instead of a few stallions, the entire crowd suddenly erupts into laughter at this statement, Zayna taking a while to realise what she said and gasping in shock — while you opt for burying your reddening face into your palms. "To hell with this," you mutter. "Thank you for your time, but I think we're done here." The crowd, some of whom are still laughing, head off while you sigh. "I need a drink — preferably something strong."

"You're not the only one who needs something strong," Zayna mumbles, still gazing intently at the large red stallion she saw earlier. He stares back for a moment, before he notices you looking at him as well, then his ears flatten against his head and he blushes furiously before rushing off somewhere else. Zayna snorts and turns to you. "Aww, master, you scared him away."

"He'll be back," you reply. "Now come on, I really need that drink." You walk through the town, which currently looks more like a fairground than a town, and eventually find the refreshment tent.

The whole town has thrown together this shindig as a way of apologising to you properly, as well as introducing you to the many ponies who call the place home. So far, it's been nothing but more misunderstandings and embarrassment — but you're confident that will all change once you get some alcohol down you.

"Hey there," the mare behind the counter says. "I'm Berry Punch, purveyor of the finest beer, cider, wine and spirits in all of Equestria. What can I get for you today, handsome?"

"Give me the strongest whiskey you have," you grumble, sitting down at the bar. "And get Zayna here a big bucket of water as well, please." Berry nods and starts preparing your drinks as Zayna comes up beside you and nuzzles your cheek.

"This is a time for joyous fun," she says. "Yet you look as though you're not having any. In fact, I haven't seen you this upset since you got correspondence from the one you referred to as 'the tax man.'" You look at her in confusion, and she giggles. "I heard you shouting and swearing all the way from my stable."

You nod as Berry comes back with your drinks – a triple whiskey and a huge bucket of water – and sets them in front of you. You stick your hand in your pocket, but Berry shakes her head and waves a forehoof dismissively — which is just as well, considering the fact that you don't even have any Equestrian currency.

After putting the bucket on the ground in front of Zayna – who whinnies happily at the sight – you throw back your whiskey in one gulp. It's not as strong as what you're used to, but it hits the spot nonetheless, and Berry takes it as her cue to refill the glass.

"So, you and Zayna," she asks. "Everypony has been asking you about the working relationship you've got, but has anypony bothered to ask about the social side of it?"

"The 'social side?'" you reply, sipping at your whiskey. "You mean, what we do when we're not working?"

"Yeah," Berry replies. "There's that, but what I actually meant was... where did she come from? You said you've had her since she was a filly, so I'd like to know more about that."

Zayna looks up from her bucket, water dripping down her muzzle and onto the floor. "Are you sure?" she queries. "My life as a filly contains many painful memories, and I wouldn't like for you to feel awkward for asking about them."

"I won't feel awkward," Berry replied. "But if you don't want to talk about it, then I understand completely."

"It's fine," Zayna reassures the mare. "But I guess my Master would be the better one to tell you."

Berry turns her gaze on you, and you find yourself fidgeting uncomfortably. "Before I got her, Zayna lived with some other horses on a big farm. Her previous owners took very good care of all their animals, but then something happened which resulted in Zayna going to a rescue centre."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Berry looks solemn. "Did they, um... did they die?"

You wave a hand dismissively. "Far from it," you reply with a chuckle. "The economy took a nosedive one year, and the couple found themselves unable to pay their bills. So they decided, for the welfare of the horses, to surrender them to a local charity."

Zayna looks downcast. "I can still remember the crying they did when the charity came to take us away," she says. "At the time, I wasn't sure why we were being sent away — all I knew was that I was being taken from a safe and loving home to somewhere I wasn't familiar with. It took me many months to get used to all the new sights and smells at the rescue centre." She sighs. "All the other horses were adopted by new owners, but nobody seemed interested in a little filly... not even as a pet."

She sniffles, prompting you to give her a hug and pet her mane. "After three months without anyone adopting her, the charity decided that she would be sold at auction, which she was," you explain, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "The only problem is, she was sold to a man who wanted to kill her and sell the meat — and the responsibility of killing her fell to me."

"You used to work in an abattoir?" Berry looks horrified. "And before you ask how I know what an abattoir is, I've had gryphons as customers — and they eat meat."

You nod. "I did, yes," you reply. "I took no pleasure in ending the lives of those animals, many of whom were old and weak, but it paid well. If it's any consolation, I actually apologised to each and every animal before I killed them." Zayna looks up at you, and you give her a kiss on the nose. "But I just couldn't bring myself to kill Zayna. I could see how young she was, and I knew that she had a lot of potential — so I point blank refused to kill her, and offered to buy her from my boss. He refused at first, but relented when I offered him double what he had paid." A small smile graces your lips. "As soon as Zayna was legally mine, I quit my job and took her home. I lived on an old farm, so it wasn't hard to find her a place to sleep — and she has been in my care ever since, getting all the love and affection she needs. Hell, even I learned a few things along the way — since I'd never owned a horse before."

Berry wipes away a stray tear. "That was a touching story," she says. "You're a good man, you know that? Zayna is very lucky to have somepony like you looking out for her."

Zayna nuzzles you. "Damn right I am," she replies. "Once I was old enough, Master got the idea of riding lessons. He spent many days breaking me in—" She looks at Berry, as if expecting her to laugh, but she doesn't do a thing. "—and several more days learning how to become an instructor, so that he could teach others."

"But I eventually got my qualifications, and set up the riding school," you continue. "Most of my students were children — and I became quite popular with parents, due to my positive attitude and caring nature." You point at Zayna. "And she became quite popular with the kids, who simply adored petting her."

Zayna chuckles. "Petting is just another kind of love," she says. "And I do love to be loved. Some of the children could be a bit rough – tugging at my mane and tail – but they never hurt me."

You finish the rest of your whiskey and pass the glass to Berry, who puts it in a basin for washing. "And then, one day, we went out for a ride and then — BAM!" You slam a fist on the table. "We ended up here... and I'm pretty sure you know the rest."

Berry nods. "I do," she says sheepishly. "And I'm sorry I got caught up in the moment." You nod, forgiving her, and there is a moment of silence before Berry clears her throat. "Anyway, thanks for telling me your story. You two have both had quite the adventure."

"Coming here is an adventure," you scoff. "Everything else was just life being... well, life."

"That's true," Berry replies. "So, when did the two of you become closer? I think it's really sweet to see a couple act as lovingly as you two do." She smiles warmly — while Zayna does a spit take.

"C-couple?!" she stutters. "I'll have you know that the relationship my master I share is purely that of owner and pet! There is nothing more to it, so I would thank you to keep such vile assumptions to yourself!" She stomps a forehoof into the ground for emphasis.

You nod fervently. "What she said," you add. "Where we come from, it's illegal for humans to interact with animals in... that sort of way... though I did hear that some places do all—" You cut yourself off and look around. "This is getting awkward. Can we change the subject, please?"

"Aww," Berry replies. "But I've just found out that you're available." She giggles, but all she gets from you is a glare. She stops laughing and chuckles nervously. "Sorry about that." She looks at Zayna. "So, uh, I couldn't help but notice that you were checking out Big Macintosh." She winks. "I take it you like what you saw?"

"Big Macintosh, huh?" you murmur. "So that's the name of the big red stallion she was gazing at earlier." Zayna has a smile on her face — and is blushing with such intensity, you'd think she was a thousand watt bulb. "I'm guessing you did like him?"

Zayna fans herself. "I do," she giggles. "Though I have to admit that I'm not sure why — I've not had any experience with stallions." She looks at you. "I believe you had something to do with that?"

"I never got round to learning about breeding," you reply. "All I know is that it involves finding a suitable stallion – a 'stud' – and then seeing if you are interested in 'doing the deed,' as it we— am I seriously having a conversation about sex with my horse?"

Berry suppresses a snort of laughter. "Don't worry," she says. "Mac is the nicest stallion there is. He's quiet, dependable, strong as an ox — and word is he is definitely 'big' where it counts."

Zayna shudders in delight. "Stop it," she whines. "You're getting me all flustered." She looks at you. "Master, can you do some—"

Without even thinking, you pick up the bucket of water and dump the contents all over Zayna's head. She whinnies in shock, shaking frantically to clear the water off her.

You put the bucket down and cautiously approach her. She is soaked from head to tail – making you wonder how much water was actually in the bucket to begin with – and her mane is covering her eyes like curtains over a window.

"Is that better?" you ask, to which Zayna snorts. "I'll take that as a 'yes.'" You gently pat her on the back. "I think we'd better keep you away from Big Macintosh for a while, wouldn't you agree?" Zayna nods meekly, and you look at Berry. "Can I get another bucket of water for her please... as well as a towel?"

Berry nods dutifully, picks up the empty bucket and heads into the back of the tent. It's not long before a towel comes sailing over the bar and lands on the floor in front of you. Wordlessly, you pick it up and begin drying her off — a process made harder when you find yourself laughing at how poofy her mane becomes when you dry it.

A few minutes later, you are left with a dry horse – albeit a grumpy one – and a towel holding more water than you thought possible. You wring it out and put it back on the bar as Berry puts the refilled bucket down on the ground.

"I was talking to some of the townsponies earlier," Berry says. "And I can't help but notice that you've been fed some manure about saddles." You raise an eyebrow at her. "Equestrians wear saddles in winter to help keep us warm — but they are made of ordinary fabrics, like cotton." She points at Zayna's saddle. "Whorses wear leather ones just like that, as it is a risqué material which goes rather well with their risqué profession."

You sigh. "That explains the aggro I got earlier then," you reply. "Thanks for the lesson, Berry." She smiles at you and leaves to serve some ponies who have approached the bar, each of whom gives you and Zayna a quick nod of greeting. You wave back and take hold of the reins. "Come on, girl, let's go for a walk around town and see what else is going on."

Zayna slurps down some more water. "Good idea, Master," she says. "After all, it would be rude of us to spend all day at the bar."

You lead her outside into the sunshine, holding your free hand in front of your face to protect your eyes, and then pick a random direction to walk in. You soon find yourself in the town square, where a funfair has been set up. Looking around, you can see all sorts of games — the coconut shy, a helter-skelter, that thing with the clown faces and water guns, and even dodgems.

So lost are you in childish wonder, that you fail to notice the pony standing directly in front of you — resulting in a faceful of flank. A loud gasp of shock, as well as laughter, reaches your ears.

"I am so sorry!" you say. "I wasn't looking where I was going, and I walked right into you."

The pony you walked into turns around to face you. "It's all right," she says. "I'm not hurt, so there is— well, well. When I was told we had some 'exotic visitors' in town, you were the last two things I expected to see."

"'Things?'" you grumble. "Who the hell do you think you are, referring to us as 'things?' I oughta—"

"What my sister is trying to say," another mare says, "is that we didn't expect to meet the two of you until later today. Twilight wanted us to come down and meet the 'man and his horse' who caused quite a bit of commotion in town earlier."

You look up to find yourself face to face with two ponies, one of whom is the same height as Zayna. The other is about a foot shorter, but they certainly stand out from the other ponies you have met in your time here so far.

One of the mares holds out a hoof. "Where are my manners?" she says. "I am Celestia, this is my sister Luna..."

Luna nods once before they speak in unison.

"… and we are the rulers of Equestria."

Well, damn.

Looks like things just got a whole lot more interesting.