//------------------------------// // How to Court a Non-Brony // Story: To Love A Non-Brony // by The Forgotten Host //------------------------------// I placed my hoof stamp on the final document and levitated the stack of papers on a shelf. Paperwork: check I exited the office and made my way to Luna’s chambers. I opened one of the double doors and peered through the opening to find Luna sound asleep on her bed. Despite telling her to take the day off, she volunteered to watch over TD to make sure this morning’s dreaded events didn’t repeat. After some debate, I convinced her to get some rest despite her protests. Bless her. Luna’s Day off: check I gently closed the door with a soft click and trotted to the infirmary. I took a deep breath to strengthen my resolve and opened the door. TD was once again asleep on the same white bed. He looked slightly paler from a few days prior. Poor thing, I made a mental note to get him something to eat after he woke up; something that didn’t have hay in it. I didn’t want to put him through any more trouble. TD’s wellbeing: check Speaking of trouble. Deal with Blueblood: check I trotted back to my own bedchambers and closed the doors behind me with my hooves rather than levitation uttering a well-postponed sigh of relief. For once in what felt like eternity, there was some peace and quiet. I made my way to my bed and appreciated how soft it was before turning to the wall clock, slightly surprised at the time. “Only 5:30?” “I know right?” Startled, I turned my head to the left and almost jumped in surprise when I found Cadance hanging upside down from a rope in some kind of skin tight jump suit staring directly at me with a pair of curious looking goggles. I hadn’t seen her since the ‘Hay Bits’ incident, so I assumed she was watching me from the shadows since. Still, I expected she kept her distance with a tracking spell, not blending in the shadows like one of Luna’s elite night guards. When did she even learn how to do that? “That will be enough sneaking around for one day Cadance,” I said to my niece. “You can come down now.” She nodded and hopped down the rope. She took off her goggles and flicked her hair. “I scouted the entire area while you were doing paper work,” she said before sighing. “No sign of Chrysalis or anything unusual for that matter.” I nodded and smiled. “Well done,” I complimented. “You have earned a rest.” She smiled, stretching her wings to release the tension in them. “So now what do we do?” “It’s too early to call it a day,” I answered. ”What would you like to do?” Cadance sat on my bed with an eager expression on her face. “You could tell me how you’re going to ask out TD on a date after all this is over.” My eyes shot open, “Right… ehehe.” I smiled awkwardly. Cadance caught on quickly. “You haven’t thought of asking him out after all this is over?!” she questioned loudly, slamming a hoof on the side of her head in disbelief. “Well,” I said, circling my hoof on the bedsheet, “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to approach him. Normally he would come to me and we would hit it off from there.” “But he won’t approach you after all this is over. You have to ask him out on your own.” I craned my head backwards. “But I haven’t courted a stallion in centuries.” Cadance shook her head, not believing what she was hearing. “This is unacceptable. How do you expect TD to fall for you when you don’t even know what to say?” I narrowed my eyebrows in deep thought. “Well I could use the traditional Canterlot Courting Dance.” Cadance raised an eyebrow. “The what?” I got off my bed and flared my wings. Three minutes later, Cadance stared at me flabbergasted. “Bad idea?” I asked. “How is that still legal?” was all she could say. I sighed. “So maybe the courting dance isn’t the best idea.” I rubbed my chin with a hoof in contemplation “Maybe if I descended from the sky in a chariot--“ Cadance interrupted me with a hoof to the mouth, her facial expression quizzical. “Aunt Celestia, this isn’t just any pretty froo froo play date.” She giggled slightly before her eyes narrowed. “THIS IS LOVE!” “Ok, so what do you think I should do?” She smiled. “We practice.” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “Sneaky sneaky sneaky sneaky.” Chrysalis recited the mantra in a low voice as she snuck past another guard. Killing them would be easy as crushing a breezie, but for the time being it was best to avoid conflict. After all, she had her fun back in the hive. The infirmary was conveniently in the first floor of the building, and even more convenient was the fact there was a window that lead to that same room. Lifting the bottom rail, she placed her hooves on the sill and hoisted herself through the frame, repeating her stealthy mantra. Closing the window shut, she looked around the dark room until her eyes fell on the bed occupied by the non-brony who was fast asleep. She smiled maliciously and hid within the shadow so no one could interrupt her handy work. “Alright human,” she whispered. “What are your secrets?” Her horn glowed. Connecting her mind to TD’s, she closed her eyes and opened them seconds later. “Huh…” she commented as she raised an eye at what the mind of the human looked like. Now, a pony’s mind is very different from a human mind. Chrysalis knew that being in the minds of countless beings. Pony thoughts were a cluster of ethereal strings connecting to the cutie mark that was their being. Minotaur minds would be a series of cubes orbiting around a central hub. Changelings would be nothing more than chords connected to her mind. But nothing could have prepared her for what she saw next. She was in a small room that resembled a waiting room. In fact, it was a waiting room. It even had a version of TD sitting behind a large oak desk typing on a flat book-like typewriter. She walked towards him and rang the desk bell placed on the edge of the table. He stopped typing and looked at her with a stern look, eyeing her top to bottom before making direct eye contact. “Do you have an appointment?” he asked. Chrysalis tilted her head confused. “Who, me?” “No, my imaginary friend Carl. Of course you!” Chrysalis craned her head back, startled at the response. Not knowing how to navigate through a human mind, she decided to play along. “Um… no?” TD raised an eyebrow in an unamused look and opened a drawer pulling out a pen and a document from the desk before handing it to Chrysalis, who levitated the items next to her. “Fill these out, and remember...” He clenched her throat with a hand and brought his head close to hers. “Don’t. Steal. The pen.” Chrysalis nodded resisting the urge to incinerate him at the spot. Instead she walked to one of the seats and began to go through the fill out form. “College? The heck is a college?” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “Now Auntie,” Cadance said, levitating a bipedal dummy in front of me, “show me what you have learned.” I nodded with a determined smile on my face before approaching the dummy. “Hello TD.” “Celestia?” Cadance said in a poorly disguised voice. “What brings you here?” “Oh I was just strolling about when I saw you wandering around ehehe...” for some reason I was having a hard time keeping eye contact with the dummy, “and decided to strike up a conversation.” “Is that so?” Cadance telekinetically crossed the dummy’s arms. “Well, I have time.” I took a short breath and smiled, twirling a lock of my ethereal mane with a hoof. “So, I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner sometime” “Dinner?” The dummy rubbed it’s not chin with an arm. I nodded. “Yes, dinner. We will have a marvellous time.” “We are sure thou wouldst,” Luna said between snickers leaning on the door frame. Startled, I hid the dummy behind me. “Luna!” I began smiling awkwardly, “How long were you standing there?” “Long enough to know our sister has courting sense that outdates ours,” She snickered walking in the room “The traditional courting dance? Really, Celestia?” I huffed finding whatever was in the corner of my eye more interesting than Luna’s face. “I liked the choreography.” Luna took a contented deep breath before looking at me reassuringly “Do not worry sister. Thou hast dealt with dragons, manticores, tyrants and the like. We are certain thou art most capable of courting a human.” “Just be yourself,” Cadance added. “Do that and you’ll be golden.” “Thank you.” I needed the confidence boost. “Now,” Luna said, nudging the dummy with a hoof,“”where will thy date be?” I smiled. “The Royal Canterlot Library, of course.” Cadance and Luna facehoofed in unison.