Scootaloo smashed her head into a fence post.
It hurt.
She did it again.
It didn’t hurt as much. Maybe if she killed some more brain cells, she could wrap her head around the situation.
Two princesses were tied up in a clubhouse. The ponies responsible for their protection were doing everything in their power to not look in the clubhouse, because they didn’t believe the princesses were there. Even though they were told to their faces—twice—that they were.
It didn’t help that the one pony in charge of the whole thing got herself arrested because she didn’t understand the rules of what she was doing. Or that the pegasus in charge of finding the princesses was going out of his way to insult the ones that were taking care of them. Or that the first one he insulted knew the recipe for liquefied timberwolf breath. Or that the second one he insulted wasn’t going to lift a hoof to stop the first one from using it.
Scootaloo smashed her head again. It hurt more. She sighed. Thinking about stuff must have made her brain work harder.
The breeze carried a sound with it, short and faint. It sounded like a voice. Scootaloo perked her ears up and turned around, but only saw the trees of the farm. Leaves rustled in the wind. She shook her head and trotted down the path to the farmhouse again.
She had galloped at first. She had run circles around the clubhouse until Apple Bloom started throwing things at her. After that, Scootaloo zipped all over the orchard, around the pond, to and from the farmhouse. Rainbow Dash always told her to think on her hooves, but it wasn’t helping.
Maybe she would think better on her scooter.
Scootaloo sighed and turned around. Something crashed through the branches of a tree in front of her, too noisily and heavily to be a bird or a squirrel. She sprinted to the trunk before the falling leaves reached the ground. “Who’s there?!”
Branches rustled as something shifted behind the green curtain.
She dashed around the trunk and found the small gap from whoever-it-was’s entry. A telltale flash of black whipped after a gray body. “Rumble! I know it’s you! How many colts in this town have black tails?”
Scootaloo froze. There was only one. That was how they could prove it. But the guards wouldn’t believe them.
“Rumble, come down! We need to talk.”
He didn’t answer.
Scootaloo spotted an apple lying on the ground. She bit it and tossed it up in the air, turned and bucked the apple into the tree. It sailed clear through the tree's branches, rustling a few leaves on its way out to the other side. She walked over to another apple.
“I’ve got a lot of ammo down here, Rumble. I’ll get you.”
A hoof reached out and pulled some leaves out of the way. Rumble stuck his head out. “What do you want?”
“Come down.”
“No!”
“Rumble—” Scootaloo shook her head. “This isn’t about the water balloons. I just want to talk.”
“Get rid of the apple.”
She kicked it away.
He narrowed his eyes, but crept out of the tree. Rumble flapped his wings slowly, letting himself down halfway to the ground before hovering. “What do you want?”
“Come down.”
“I’m fine here, thanks.”
“Fine. Look, I need a favor. Follow me to the clubhouse.”
Rumble crossed his forelegs. “You must think I’m royally stupid.”
“You just followed me a minute ago!” she snapped.
“Why wouldn’t I follow you? You were slamming your head against a post.” His face softened. “That... wasn’t like you. Is everything okay?”
“No. That’s why I need you at the clubhouse.” She fidgeted at his hesitation. “If we prank you, I’ll let you take my next flying lesson with Rainbow Dash.” She held out a hoof.
He stared at it for a moment, then swooped down to tap his hoof to hers. “Deal!”
Apple Bloom glared down at her when the pegasi reached the clubhouse. “What’s he doing here?”
“He can help us,” Scootaloo said. “I already promised him this isn’t payback.”
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Rumble hovered in place, letting Scootaloo finish climbing the walkway. “I swear, it was Featherweight’s idea.”
“Featherweight dropped all those balloons on us, huh?”
“That’s enough,” Scootaloo said. “We need a messenger, and he’s the one I found. Just keep Sweetie Belle away from him.” She pushed by Apple Bloom and stepped inside. “Come on in, Rumble. This won’t take long.”
Sweetie Belle looked up. She beamed and lifted the kettle off the hot plate. “Hiya, Rumble! Want some tea?”
“Sure!”
“NO!” Scootaloo pointed to the princesses. “That’s why you’re here, Rumble.”
Rumble looked to follow her hoof and jumped back, jaw slack and eyes popping out of his head.
The princesses, for their part, didn’t look too happy, either. Cadance’s eyes matched Rumble’s. Luna’s cheeks flushed, and she glared back and forth between the pegasi.
“Focus, Rumble. I know you’re wondering what’s going on, but—”
“Can... can I play, too?”
Apple Bloom slapped him with her tail. “No drooling!”
Scootaloo groaned. “Okay, the short version. The Royal Guards need to find them, and they don’t believe we have them. We’re going to take a feather from each one, and you carry them to the guards.”
He nodded and trotted towards Princess Cadance. “Two feathers coming up.”
Scootaloo bit his tail and dragged him back. She glared and stomped a hoof. “You stay right here. Apple Bloom, you get the feathers.”
Princess Cadance gasped, and shook her head as Apple Bloom walked forward. She squirmed in her ropes, but couldn’t escape the filly’s teeth, yelping as a feather was plucked from her wing.
Rumble winced. “Jeez, Apple Bloom! Be gentle!”
“What?” she said through clamped teeth. “Scoot said to pluck a feather, so I plucked a feather.”
“I said take a feather! We don't want to hurt them." Scootaloo shook her head. "Ugh, you watch the colt; I’ll get Luna’s.” She walked over to Princess Luna, smiled up at her and ran a hoof over her blue wing. As gently as she could, she separated out the feathers until she found a loose one, then pulled it out with a careful tug. “See? Their wings have been tied all day. I told Twilight it wasn’t good for them.”
Rumble leaned in and took the tip of Luna’s feather in his mouth. “So... what? I tell the guards I found these in the Everfree Forest or something?”
“Nope, you bring ‘em right here.”
“Here? But they’ll catch—”
Apple Bloom blew Cadance’s feather into Rumble’s face. “They’ll do what they should have done a long time ago. Just do the job.”
Scootaloo nodded. “This has gone on too long. Trust me Rumble, the guards have been looking forward to this.”
“So... have... I!” Sweetie Belle sang. She took the lid off the kettle and took a deep sniff. “We can’t make things too easy for them, can we?”
Rumble picked up Cadance’s feather. “If that’s what you want, one siege coming up.” He headed for the door. “Gotta admit, things are never boring when you three are involved.” He jumped over the railing and called over his shoulder, “Good luck!”
After a moment, Sweetie Belle giggled. “He went for Princess Cadance first, didn’t he?”
Luna growled.
Cadance smirked.
The glint of gold in the sunlight drew closer and closer through the trees. Sweetie Belle watched from the terrace of the clubhouse. She shifted her weight back and forth, rocking side-to-side and letting her anticipation build.
“Easy, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo said. “Don’t choke her out.”
Sweetie Belle looked down at Princess Cadance. Her forelegs were wrapped around Cadance’s head, keeping her still. “Oh, she’s fine. Aren’t you, Princess?”
Cadance whimpered. Her eyes were locked on the teacup hovering in Sweetie Belle’s magic.
Sweetie looked over to the other Crusaders. Princess Luna sat between them, with Scootaloo pinning her down and Apple Bloom holding the teacup—very carefully—in her mouth. The sound of heavy approaching hoofsteps filled the air. Silver Wind led the march, and Flash Sentry followed on his right. Every step brought them closer and closer to the clubhouse.
And closer to the third teacup. It sat on the tree stump just beyond the ramp. Sweetie Belle felt her grin grow and grow until her cheeks started to hurt. She saw Silver Wind raise an eyebrow.
He stopped, and his guards stopped behind him, waiting for his command.
The Crusaders stared at him from behind the clubhouse railing.
He studied them in return.
Sweetie tightened her grip on Cadance. “Told you!”
“So you did.” His eyes moved across the terrace. “Princesses, are you unharmed?”
Scootaloo sighed. “You see they’re gagged, right?”
“Standard regulations,” Flash Sentry said. “Whenever faced with a hostage situation, try to ascertain the condition of the subjects before determining whether to take direct or indirect action.”
Silver Wind nodded. “Rule five, paragraph two, sentence four. Now what little game are you three playing at?”
Sweetie Belle ground her teeth. “Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago, you son of a—”
“Sweetie!”
“I’m not doing it, Scootaloo! I’m not putting up with his condescending—”
“We’re almost done. Do you hear me? We’re almost done! Don’t you go rogue on us now. Stick to the plan!”
Sweetie Belle took a breath. The guards had spread out during her aside, and they formed a semicircle around the clubhouse. “Get them back! One wrong move and this little cup here will tip.” She dipped the cup, and felt Cadance squirm in her grasp.
“And don’t feel left out, Captain,” Scootaloo said with a smile. “We left you a sample. Have a taste. See what these two are facing.”
Silver Wind looked down at the cup. “Tea. That’s your master plan?” He picked up the cup. “What was Princess Twilight thinking? The grand war game was to put the princesses under the care of three fillies? That’s all we were up against? That’s all she thinks of us?”
He tossed his head back and drank all the tea with one gulp.
He froze.
“Uh, Captain?” Flash Sentry tapped his back with a wing. “Is everything alright?”
Silver Wind pulled the cup away from his lips. He tilted his hoof and let it fall to the ground. Slowly, surely, deliberately, he lowered his foreleg. His armored hoof ground it into dust.
Sweetie Belle laughed down on him. “My own special blend!”
His lips pulled back into a sneer. “It tasted like Discord wiped his armpits and wrung the rag over a bowl of soupy oatmeal that was left outside for a week and then strained for the fluid to be used in the boiling of the last few black leaves picked up before winter comes in.”
“And if you don’t back off, your two precious princesses will get a nice big mouthful!” Sweetie Belle pried Cadance’s mouth open. “Oh sure, the gag is there. A lot of it will get blocked, but the taste. It will get soaked into the cloth, and there will be no way to get it out.” She pulled the cup closer and closer, tilting it farther and farther. “She can’t spit it out, or swallow it, or—”
“Fall back! All guards, fall back!”
Sweetie Belle watched the encroaching guards pull back to Silver Wind before pulling the cup upright. Cadance’s sigh of relief brushed her cheek.
Scootaloo gave a low whistle. “That guy is a rock.”
“I wanted to hear him scream.”
“Remember what we talked about.” Scootaloo nodded at the guards, looking back at them from their huddle. “Apple Bloom is watching for pegasi from above. Their unicorns will probably grab the cups. Let ‘em take it. He drank the tea, so you got what you wanted. They get what they want.”
“Everyone goes home with warm fuzzies. Yeah, I remember.”
Silver Wind walked forward alone. His teeth were bared in a grimace, and his nostrils flared with every breath. “We... we surrender!”
Sweetie Belle’s smile vanished. “What.”
“My soldiers will make no move against you.”
Scootaloo stepped up to the railing, dragging a protesting Luna’s head with her. “What?”
“Do not harm the princesses, and we are willing to negotiate.”
Apple Bloom’s mouth fell open, and her teacup bounced and rolled away. “What?!”
“What will it take to release them? Name your terms. We will do everything in our power to meet them.”
Two muffled exclamations rang out.
“That tea was an abomination of both Gaia and pony, Your Highnesses. I will not see you poisoned.”
Flash Sentry cleared his throat and joined Silver Wind. “Rule one, paragraph one, sentence one: ‘No harm is to befall a princess.’ Sentence two: ‘Ever.’”
The army of guards behind them dropped to their knees as one, leaving Silver Wind and Flash Sentry alone with the Crusaders.
Sweetie Belle blinked. “Did... did we just conquer Equestria?”
Scootaloo shook her head. “I don’t think—”
“The princesses are trapped here. The army is kneeling. They just said they’ll get us what we want. I think my tea just conquered Equestria!”
Apple Bloom sniffed the air. “Speaking of that, I wouldn’t mind having something to drink. That tea got a little close for comfort.”
Sweetie Belle grinned. “Some real tea, then. With crumpets!”
“Tea and crumpets? Ugh!” Scootaloo groaned. “Cake and ice cream!”
Apple Bloom’s face lit up. “Tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream! We conquered Equestria! Let’s pig out a little.”
“And a castle!” Sweetie said. “We want tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream served to us in a castle! Canterlot castle!”
Luna groaned.
“Twilight’s castle,” Scootaloo corrected. “She’s the one who dragged us into this.”
Silver Wind traded a look with Flash Sentry. “Agreed. Release the princesses and we’ll start preparing the meal. I believe the castle has a fully stocked kitchen, and there is always the sweets shop on main street.”
“Yeah,” Flash Sentry said, “that really won’t be a problem.”
“Sentry!”
Sweetie Belle giggled. “It won’t, will it? Well then, let’s have our tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream served to us by Princess Celestia.”
Cadance gasped.
Silver Wind snarled, “You dare—?!”
“We dare, alright!” Apple Bloom turned and hissed, “What was that?”
“It’s called seizing the moment, Apple Bloom. Look, they’re either serious, or there’s an ambush coming our way. Let’s get what we can.”
Scootaloo grinned. “A private show by the Wonderbolts! Make it happen and we have a deal!”
Flash Sentry shook his head. “They’re on tour in the Crystal Empire right now. We can’t get them.”
Sweetie Belle tsk, tsk, tsked. “That’s too bad. I hope you’re thirsty, Cadance.”
“Wait! Wait! G-Give us a moment. I have an idea.” Flash pulled Silver Wind away and whispered in his ear. His captain shook his head immediately, but Flash held firm. He pointed up the clubhouse, lips moving faster with every word.
Sweetie Belle couldn’t believe her eyes. Silver Wind, proud Silver Wind, slumped down. His wings drooped to the ground, and his head bowed. He opened his mouth, but his lips didn’t move. One nod was all he managed.
Flash turned back to the Crusaders. “What if we put Celestia in a maid costume? We found one buried in a closet at the Carousel Boutique.”
Nopony spoke.
Princess Luna fell out of Scootaloo’s hooves. She rolled around, tossing her head back in muffled laughter.
Sweetie’s cheeks flushed. “Why... why was there a maid costume in the Boutique?”
Scootaloo coughed. “It, uh, it’s not the Wonderbolts, but it might be pretty funny.”
Luna nodded emphatically.
Apple Bloom blinked and shook her head. “There’s... there’s no way. She wouldn’t do it. You can’t promise that. Princess Celestia would never stoop that low.”
“Low?” Sweetie Belle shrieked. “What was a maid costume doing in the Boutique?”
Flash Sentry tapped his chin. “If... if we explain that it was for Luna’s safety, I think we can convince her. And with three princesses already involved in this drill, we might be able to argue that she should be included too. I’ll check the rulebook.”
“If we agree to this,” Scootaloo said, “and Princess Celestia gets out of it, you’re on the line. We get to think of something embarrassing for you to do.”
“Then why does my sister have a maid costume?!” Sweetie Belle clutched her head, letting go of Cadance and the teacup.
“It’s a deal!” Silver Wind called out.
Flash jumped in surprise. “Huh? But Captain—!”
“Now will you let them go?”
Scootaloo shrugged. “Sure. Come get ‘em.”
“Ha-HA! Step lightly, Sentry!” Silver Wind charged forward. The crowd of guards behind him stood and cheered. He stopped at the foot of the ramp, and looked back. “Sentry, why the hesitation? You heard Princess Twilight! A member of the Crystal Guard must be the one to free Princess Cadance. Swiftly now!”
Flash Sentry took flight, dragging his hooves on the ground.
Silver Wind bounded up the ramp, sending Scootaloo and Apple Bloom scrambling out of the way. “Princess Luna, it is a pleasure to see you unharmed. You as well, Princess Cadance. Sentry! Where are you?”
“Here,” he grumbled.
Sweetie Belle got out his way and stood next to her friends. “We aren’t going to make him do anything too bad, are we? He was nice.”
“He was pretty nice,” Apple Bloom said.
“Alright,” Scootaloo said with a shrug, “you two can decide what he does. It all depends on Celestia and the maid costume anyway.”
Apple Bloom grinned. “There is no way—”
“We are ever talking about that,” Sweetie Belle growled. She silenced Scootaloo with a look, and watched the two guard ponies undo their princess’s ropes. She sighed as the two gags were removed. It was finally over. “I am going to need so much cake to get over today...”
Flash looked over to her. “You won’t have to wait long. Princess Celestia is due to arrive in an hour or so.”
Luna shoved a hoof in her mouth to stifle her fresh laughter.
Scootaloo joined her. “I call ‘not it’ on telling her.”
“Oh, I’ll tell her,” Silver Wind said. “I’m looking forward to it in fact.” He raised his eyebrow at the incredulous looks given to him. “It’s an officer’s duty to report to his superiors. Especially on a successful operation! Why shouldn’t I be the one to tell her?”
Princess Cadance opened her mouth, then paused. She grimaced. With a shake of her head, she walked down the ramp.