To whomever is responsible for signing the lawsuit cheques for Silly Filly Press,
I had recently purchased (well, perhaps purchased may be too strong of a word; let’s say acquired) your book, “How the Sea-Pony Wished Upon a Star and Unknowingly Started Racial Prosecution Under An Emergent Fascist Regime: A Collection of Filly’s Tales and Legends that Start Off Whimsical But End in Destruction and Death; Longest Most Rambling Title for a Filly’s Book Award Winning Edition”, and I am writing to lodge a formal complaint.
I had recently attempted the recipe for the “Love Poison of Hearts and Hooves Day Legend” as described in great detail on page 73. To be exact, I had attempted to use the poison on a pony that I had been infatuated with for the past year (for testing purposes only of course), who, for anonymity’s sake, shall be henceforth addressed in this letter as “C. Larry”.
After his rejecting of all my clearly obvious advances (and honestly, who could resist a body like mine? I have attached a tastefully nude picture to this letter, marked Appendix A, for reference’s sake), I was forced to devolve to such a level.
I am quite knowledgeable (if I may say so myself) on its supposed potency and in its role in bringing down the Equinus Republic (please spare me from pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about; I know Celestia probably paid you off to keep that a secret), yet by following the recipe exactly, the effects that I had sought seemed to be unavailable. In fact, if I may state it in my blunt, professional opinion, it “sucked major balls”.
Well, perhaps “following the recipe exactly”, isn’t the best choice of words to use. But if the day comes when a chicken feather can’t be used as an adequate substitute for a pegasus’, and Skittles® aren’t seen as a valid magical ingredient, then slap my ass and call me Judy. The potion’s color is supposed to be brown, right?
Yes, I am very aware of the "do not attempt at home" disclaimer placed in large bold letters at the start of the page, and the “poison effects may vary”, as I’m sure your lawyers are quick to point out. But I chose not to read that part at the time, so I certainly can't be held accountable for that.
Therefore, if I may “jump the lawsuit”, so-to-speak, I am officially lodging this formal complaint over this certain recipe of a certain love potion printed in a certain one of your books. Certainly.
I demand an immediate apology, retraction and re-printing of all offending copies, and financial restitution (preferably in the thousands range, though I will be the better pony and ask for an amount in the millions range instead) for all the emotional distress caused by this abject failure on your part.
I went to all the effort of slipping the drink into his cup of whisky, and after drinking it, he just ended up looking at me a little awkwardly as I dutifully stared at him for ten minutes. Upon realizing the failure of my master plan (one of the few failures I had ever received, I can assure you), I broke down crying.
And I mean like all-out bawling, like a slobbering mess. Cuz once you get rejected for the fifteenth time from a homeless pony who’s living in your house and your backup plan “Operation Hot Larry” goes sour, you know your life has gone from bad to worse.
Luckily, it all worked out in the end. After seeing me totally break down, sobbing on the floor; y’know, the works, I got a pity fuck from him later. And now we’re in a happily loving relationship for three days straight already, so things are finally looking up for me I guess.
Nonetheless, for all ten minutes of my emotional distress and humiliation, I still do stand firm in my demands from your fat cat capitalist publishing press. On top of the lawsuit, I am writing to seek a full refund from the book that I had
stolenpurchased regarding the poison, and I also demand that your publishing firm buy up all copies of my self-published book, "An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy” as a further apology.In the event that these demands are not achieved, you can expect immediate action from my highly professional legal team (just me and my anonymous legal advisor, who shall be known as “Crazy L.”), as we go over to your headquarters and beat up your CEO with sticks until he starts to sing campfire songs in the voice of a little girl.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Loose Change
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The return of such a grand character (of history), Discord, is of course considered to be one of the most significant events of the new millennium. Well, its significance is behind the circumstances and consequences of the return of Nightmare Moon, but it’s still probably ahead of the Pegasi Spring. For good reason too, Discord’s return would be the last shining beacon of hope that us historians would see for a while yet; he was the only one capable of defeating Celestia at her own game (that I know of at least), and the only one with the power to return Equestria to its righteous past.
The events surrounding his re-awakening, rampage, and resealing could be said to have two major impacts on history. The first, and most significant of which, was the strengthening of the pro-friendship sentiment around Equestria and the greater expectations and responsibilities it placed on Twilight and her fun chum squad. The second significant thing of course, was that it also allowed Discord to proudly return into the annals of history, and set up his future redemption.
Of course, like everything in history, there’s so much more than all that. There’s so much more you peons don’t understand. So many things hidden from your eyesight, yet as plain as the nose on your face. Seriously, have you ever heard of rhinoplasty before?
Don’t worry, you’re not completely hopeless just yet.[467] You’ve got Equestria’s greatest scholar, Loose Change, watching your back.[468] You just need a re-education lesson so you can see these things more clearly. It’s like how wearing these spiritual bracelets I bought from that shady looking shop-pony in the alleys of Canterlot allows you to see UV radiation, the very thing that Celestia uses to poison us each day. I’m telling you, once you appreciate things in a different light, you’ll be able to see things how they really are. And Discord’s return and defeat would be a shining example of this. For nothing is as it seems when Celestia’s involved. Show us a copy of your long-form weight records already! What are you hiding?
Let’s just get to it, starting from where we last left off with Discord.
You might think nothing particularly interesting probably happened with him; he was still stoned off his mind for well over a thousand years, but best be assured that he had a plan yet. And he would be back, bitches!
In the official story, Celestia knew Discord would escape eventually, especially with the “switching” of the Elements of Harmony to the mane six weakening the seal of his stone prison, but the question is why he chose to take so long.
After all, he could have escaped a season ago when the switch first occurred. Wait, did I say season? I meant year.
Traditionalist historians say that it was the same scenario behind the escape of the Nightmare forces. While the seal was weakened, it would take another year before it would weaken to the extent that Discord needed to escape.[469]
But I say otherwise. Discord took a while to escape for a different reason entirely. Mainly because he couldn’t. At least not at the moment. I’ll explain in due time.
In my version of things, while Celestia knew Discord would eventually free himself, she was content in the knowledge that she held the upper hoof, and her possession of the Elements of Harmony would defeat him. And she probably thought that with his release, she could simultaneously teach the six a good friendship lesson. So she wasn’t exactly bothered too much by his escape, at least initially. She might’ve even planned some portions of it out!
All Celestia had to do was place the Elements in a box with a charm that Discord couldn’t access. And how did that work out for ya, huh? Like always, this security measure failed miserably. Our supremely powerful goddess everypony!
Technically, those Elements were pretty powerless (we’re talking about the fakes after all), but if they were missing, she couldn’t reseal Discord under the guise of the mane six’s own power and pwetty lightshow. However, Celestia still did hold the actual Elements’ power elsewhere (and not with her like you may think. More on that later). So, their loss to Discord while regrettable, was not the end-all-be-all that mane six had thought it was, and Celestia was not too peeved from this.
When Discord talked to Celestia (and the mane six, who were present too for some reason) for the first time in well over a millennium, Discord let slip that he knew of her dark power and the truth about the Elements of Harmony. Discord may have been unaware of this at the moment of his sealing, but after years of solitude and thought, he surely must have reached this accurate conclusion.
How do I know this happened? How could Discord tell Celestia he knew of this during their confrontation without alerting the mane six as well? Well this time, I’ve got proof that this occurred.
Yes, you may shut your agape mouths, I feel like you’re just demeaning me at this point. Using transcripts from the most reliable and academically-oriented source present at the event, who once bribed with enough cupcakes spilled the beans,[470] a certain Pinkamena Diane Pie.
According to her, the pre-Discord conversation quickly switched topics to discuss chocolate rain.[471] What could this mean?
Well, chocolates are made of cocoa.
Cocoa can be deadly to diabetics.
Aka, upon his release, Discord promised to rain down death upon Equestria.
Wait, that can’t be right, it doesn’t fit in with Discord’s nature. Let’s re-examine this then.
Chocolate rain.
Chocolates can be delicious.
Deliciousness is good.
Of course. How could I make such an oversight? Upon his release, Discord promised to free Equestria from the shackles of Celestia’s chains. As you can see, sometimes Hyper Conspiracy Analysis Technique Ultra EX can easily backfire after it’s already been used once.
Well anyways, freeing Equestria was exactly what Discord promised to do, I’m sure of it.
Let’s examine this further. What exactly did Discord say to tip off Celestia of his knowledge?
Returning to the transcript, certain lines of his draw immediate attention.[472] Let’s get down to that good ol’ analyzing business.
“I don't turn ponies into stone.”[473]
The first significant line of this exchange. With this, it’s clear that Discord is immediately drawing attention to his prior stone imprisonment to catch Celestia’s attention.
“I just borrowed [the Elements] for a teensy little while.”[474]
Teensy?! Teensy. Not only does this line signify that Discord has the Elements in his possession, but it tells Celestia of something else entirely. The use of the word “borrowed” makes it seem as though he knows that the Elements are no threat, and therefore, by “borrowing” it, he intends to return it. And I think the evilness of the word “teensy” speaks for itself.
Already a line is being drawn, an evil “connect-the-dots” if you would. Discord has already drawn out Point A (stone imprisonment + Elements usage) and Point B (teensy = evil + new Elements hold no power). And now all he has to do is connect ‘em to each other.
“Oh, I'd forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It's really quite boring.”[475]
And there we have it. The piece de resistance.
Grim. Grim reaper pony anybody? Or, the bringer of death and evil. To really ensure Discord’s point is hammered even further, he adds more to this statement, calling her boring too. Boringness leads to apathy. And apathy is the root of all evil. So with this, he was directly calling out Celestia for her evil.
Therefore, upon deciphering this message, Discord’s message to Celestia was quite clear. “I know the usage of the Elements is evil, and you are too. However, I also know that the real power of the Elements is not within the new Elements; they are with you instead.”
In fact, I heard from my source that Celestia became progressively angrier and angrier as Discord spoke. The evil connect-the-dots was realized. And once Discord issued his challenge to the mane six, did you notice that none of the sources say that Celestia went as well to help them? She just wished them good luck and kinda just stood there.[476]
For at that moment, Discord was hinting that if she was to intervene further, he would be more than willing to spill these state secrets to all of Equestria, and as such, restricted Celestia’s intervention. Celestia was forced, like the mane six in his challenge, to play Discord’s game, by his rules, his way. And that meant she’d be sitting this one out.
After all, if the mane six and the rest of Equestria were to find out everything that he had uncovered, there would be catastrophe in the streets, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
So why I am revealing the truth so readily in my essay? Because as I said, as scholars, we have a right to educate all others. Consequences be damned. Come at me Celestia! I ain’t afraid of a “goddess” who can’t even pull off a decent protective charm on a box! I’ve got a shiv with your name on it!
Therefore, Discord effectively removed Celestia from the equation, like the clever master planner he was. Of course, this brings up the obvious question, why did the six not question Celestia’s logic here?
After all, the six were the only ones who could use the false Elements of Harmony yes, but finding them after they were hidden by Discord could have been a task done by the entirety of the Royal Guard and Celestia herself. But no, it had to be the mane six. Celestia and her Royal Guard were too busy with the whole twiddling of their hooves and sitting on their asses thing that had going on. They just couldn’t be bothered with this kinda thing. Of course.
So Celestia’s lack of intervention here only solidifies my point that Celestia was forced to stay away due to Discord’s knowledge. After all, logically, she had no reason to rely solely on the mane six. The six’s lack of questioning on this shows that not only were they pretty stupid, but blindly believed in Celestia’s belief in them.
How could this be? Well, years of being molded by Celestia and her Echelon into the ponies she wanted them to be certainly didn’t help. For it was this devotion to the words of their princess that made them such a great tool for Celestia to use, and caused them to be chosen as the successors to the Elements of Harmony. That, and the actual hypnosis that she put them through.
Yes, not only were they hypnotized figuratively, but literally as well. This probably happened once they embraced the powers of the false Elements, like a “in using these false Elements to defeat Nightmare Moon, you also consent to be forcefully hypnotized to serve the Equestrian will” kind of deal, allowing Celestia to manipulate them subconsciously to serve her foul will.
In fact, on an aside, this hypnosis explains why sometimes these six could act “out of character” in certain situations. Celestia was manipulating them using this innate hypnotism to force them to act OOC-ish, to serve to create a conflict that could only be solved by the “magic of friendship”. Think of the hypnosis from when Twilight put the Want It Need It Spell on Ponyville times a hundred.[477]
Because Celestia was creating friendship conflicts on purpose.[478] It’s all a conspiracy I tell you.
That explains Celestia’s utmost trust in the six over all other ponies, ever over her *pssch “elite” royal guards. Sorry, cracking up there. The royal guards are literally a joke nowadays, always being propped up to be defeated by the “villain of the month”, so to speak. I bet even I could take ‘em. And have you seen me?
I mean, even if I were Celestia (perish the thought!), even I wouldn’t trust them. When was the last time they did anything useful? No, really? They couldn’t even find Celestia’s pet bird, hidden by notable doormat, Fluttershy. Let me repeat, the elite of the elite royal guards lost to Fluttershy. Rather pathetic if you ask me. And I know about pathetic, I’ve had to beg a homeless pony to love me before. This alone might explain why Celestia wouldn’t trust them too much, but I’m gonna stick with my hypnotism theory. It makes Celestia seem that much more manipulative and evil, something I’ll always accept with loving arms.
This also explains why Celestia initially seemed so nonchalant in facing Discord or learning he had stolen the false Elements. Because she knew that those sparkly necklaces and crown were pretty useless when it came down to it. If Equestria was truly in danger when the new Elements disappeared, especially with the return of the a hundred year ruler who supposedly “oppressed” Celestia and Luna in their fillyhoods,[479] left Equestria in shambles, and forced them to rise up with the Elements to defeat him, you would think Celestia would be MUCH more fearful, or at least show some kind of emotion other than being slightly peeved. Her first reaction to discovering Discord had escaped was less of abject rage and fury and more of a pony who discovered her appointment with her hairdresser would be delayed till Monday. Such a reaction doesn’t exactly inspire Celestia’s concern with his return.
This just goes to show Celestia always knew that the “new” Elements held little power and was aware of Discord’s eventual return a longgg time ago. Notice in the transcription that things only changed once Discord revealed he knew of the truth, in which only then, an emotion similar to that of anger and fear appeared on her face. Not that I would know, I only have a transcription here, but I can easily postulate.
Let’s examine Discord’s riddle. Maybe I can wring out a bit of extra analysis from that. Discord had said that the Elements were back where they began. What the heck does that mean? It could be assumed to be the Ponyville library sure, (which is where they were eventually found) but at the beginning of the episode day, the first time the mane six met was at Sweet Apple Acres. So we can cross that out. Could it mean the first time the six met overall? I suppose that’s possible too, all six did first unite at the library. But if Discord had such amazing foresight, why not go further?
After all, Twilight was born in Canterlot. Or even further, she began in the womb. Or if you insist on going further (which I should warn you not to do), she really began as a glint in her daddy’s balls.[480] There are multitudes of possibilities really. But let’s quit this topic while we’re ahead.
Let’s turn our discussion[481] to how Discord found out about all of this during his rumination. While Discord was locked in stone, he kept a watchful eye as well. He had a knack for sensing magical imbalances (that was pretty much his whole power after all), and in sensing Nightmare Moon’s return, he knew the lightshow used to defeat her was in essence, useless. He knew the real power of the Elements was in Celestia’s hooves (from when he sensed her reform Luna from behind the window), and the physical Elements themselves were simply flashy light toys. The ones with knockoff names like “SUPRAPONY” and blinking LED lights for some reason that stop flashing after an hour.[482] He knew that the real power to fear was in Celestia’s hooves all along, and therefore, after he ensured that Celestia could not take any real action of her own (by blackmailing her with the release of the truth if she was to interfere), he had thought he had sealed the greatest opposition to his return.
So Discord, knowing the Elements themselves were powerless, had no qualms with returning them to the six. But, despite all his intelligence (it seems only the truly enlightened in knowledge, me and Larry, were smart enough to notice the truth), like everypony else, he believed that perhaps they had another power in friendship.
Or something along those lines. For while he knew the Elements’ power was really from Celestia’s dark mechanisms, he suspected some kind of importance to the “power of friendship”, or why else would Celestia push the concept so hard? Therefore, even after sealing Celestia’s interference, and with it (in his mind), the power of the Elements, he went the extra mile to destroy friendships, just in case.
How Discord did so, I’m not sure. Unfortunately, just like with the Equinus orgies, this information isn’t privy to history. Celestia probably wanted to keep the mane six’s downfall a secret to avoid others from exploiting their weaknesses.
Well, let’s break this down then. It couldn’t been through manipulation (see my explanation rebutting the “Disorder of a Hundred Days"). So…um, maybe he used love potions again? Does that make sense?
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Yes it does! In fact, using love to destroy friendships was the perfect solution for him. After all, I’ve seen many stuck-up unicorn bitches in my time at Canterlot, and I know the best way to destroy friendships between two mares is to throw a colt into the mix. Whether it’s jealousy, romantic rivalry, or sleeping with somepony else’s coltfriend when drunk, love has a certain power to smash even the most powerful of friendships. Which is why I don’t need friends when I’ve got my one and only life companion right here, my husbando Larry.
To re-catch our original train of thought before it leaves imagination historical truth station, under the principles of relationships in Japonyese culture (don’t ask me where that might be, a pony island to the east probably), the different natures of the corrupted six tie in exactly with such things. Therefore, upon Discord sneaking them a different form of the infamous love potion, each of the prevalent five[483] were affected in different ways, releasing their hidden inner romantic side for the world to see.
Break it down!
Applejack revealed her tsundere side, as a country girl who just can’t be honest with her feelings. It’s not like she wanted you to hear her talking to herself, b-b-baka.
Rarity became a yandere, holding a near obsessive love for one thing. In this case, it was some handsome stallion named Tom,[484] supposedly quite the large and sturdy fellow, who she had loved with all her heart, and became violent towards all others who tried to interfere in their love.
Pinkie Pie was revealed to be the rare kuudere, characterized by her dual nature. On the outside, she was supposedly cold and distant, but in truth, she was just afraid of rejection. Upon drinking the love potion, she seemed to become unfriendly, as she closed herself off from everypony. But all she really needed was to let the right one in to make her smile.
Fluttershy was shown to be one of those dominatrix types who gets off to S&M type romance. Don't judge pls. We all have our fetishes. It makes sense too. Outside she’s all benign and friendly, but in the bedroom, she’s probably quite a doozie. Must have some unicorn in her.[485] The only difference between her pre- and post- love potion form was that she was now more revealing in her fetish, blatantly punishing her “perceived masochistic victims” in public.
And lastly, Rainbow Dash became a hopeless romantic, which is why after drinking her dose, she rushed back to Cloudsdale to meet up with her Original Childhood pegasi friend with a black colored coat, dark red mane and green eyes, whom she had made a ten year promise with long ago, who was strangely never mentioned or brought up before. She rushed to confess her love to him right before he left Equestria 4ever, and he chose to stay behind with her as they shared a blossoming romance that was sure to capture your feels and be the envy of all romantic fanfic writers everywhere.
Now I don’t exactly have any evidence that all this actually happened, but according to some sources I have interviewed,[486] this is totally how these five would act in canon when facing a romantic situation. And if you can’t trust the guys who are writing 100,000 word long romantic fanfics about pastel colored equines, who can you trust? The hospital doctors? Gurl, please.
And I’ve got some token information to back it up too. Rainbow Dash apparently is a big sissy; she does love hooficures after all.[487] So it only makes sense that she has a secret pegasi childhood sweetheart back at Cloudsdale, ‘cuz she’s a major softie. And Fluttershy was previously a fashion model, and as such, must have surely ventured into the fetishized world that this line of work had offered. After exposure to that kinda environment, I wouldn’t blame her adoption of all sorts of kinks. Doesn’t mean I still don’t judge her though.[488] I know this is only two out of the six who were corrupted,[489] but as you may know, that’s math you just can’t solve, so you must acquit. If the glove fits. What was I talking about again?[490]
So with this information in mind, this all fits in with how they supposedly acted when they encountered Discord's love potion. We should be lucky he didn’t given them the other kind of love potion he had. But if such a scenario did arise, I'm sure I could find plenty of other fanfic writers to provide me with good sources for that too.
Of course, friendship was useless,[491] it was more of an appearance. So Discord didn’t really have to go to all that trouble. Especially considering that while he was so focused on that, he had overlooked the real downfall of his plan.
For the one thing Discord did not consider was that the innate dark magic of the Elements was not with Celestia, but was actually sealed within the six all along.
Let me explain. Celestia realized that she needed a new host for the Elements to feed off of, as she was too lazy to wield them herself and would rather have other more expendable ponies[492] carry the weight of that dark magic.
Celestia, of course, did this once she knew the mane six could be fully trusted after Nightmare Moon’s defeat. Think of the Nightmare Moon incident as a test run of sorts, a crucible they had to pass, before the Elements’ true power could be transferred to them. But the power wasn’t sealed into those useless trinkets like you may think.
“Oh!” you might say, “she must’ve done this when the ‘new’ Elements swirled around the six, transformed into the shapes of their cutie marks, and seemed to enter their bodies.”[493]
No, you insignificant waste of space. I just said in the last chapter that those things were just decoys, light shows.
No, Celestia sealed the dark essence of the Elements into the six when she treated them all out to donuts at the end of the Grand Galloping Gala in 2011.[494] Probably mixed it into the batter and all that. While they thought they were biting into delicious donuty goodness, in truth what was really occurring was that the deliciously dark powers of the Elements were entering their bodies through their digestive tracts. True story. It’s the only incident in which the transfer could have possibly occurred.
This would explain why the first thing that happened to Twilight upon moving into Ponyville was receive tickets to the aforementioned Gala. Immediately after using the Elements to reseal her sister to the moon, Celestia probably thought to herself at the last moment, “Why the heck do I still have to do all this crap? I’ll just let those six idiots do my dirty work from now on.” And upon realizing she missed her golden opportunity to complete the transfer upon the defeat of Nightmare Moon, she decided to pull off her ploy at the upcoming Gala.
In fact, further proof of this could be found at Celestia’s own admittance; Celestia had practically outright stated that she had wanted the Gala to go sour,[495] practically demonstrating that she had planned it out from the very beginning. To purposely ensure the six would have awful nights; paying off the animals to avoid Fluttershy, telling her nephew (in title only) to act like a dick (not that he needed much prodding mind you, he was a unicorn after all), hiring the shittiest party planners beforehand, etc. All this to ensure that the six would meet at the donut shop in Canterlot and allow Celestia to seal the Elements’ dark magic inside of them.
She would have two helpers to pull off this feat (not including the work of The Echelon, who must have worked especially hard to ensure that her plan would go off without a cinch); a certain Spike the Dragon and Pony Joe, the latter of which is the sole worker and proprietor of the Canterlot Donut Shop.[496]
Spike would act as the centerpoint to the plan; the mane six would arrive at the shop to meet up with him upon the disaster of their nights. And let us not forget that Spike serves not only Twilight, but Princess Celestia as well. Suspicious, no? Of course, Celestia didn’t really have to worry about him spoiling the plan; dragons are known to be pretty stupid.[497] Celestia didn’t even have to tell him anything regarding her true intentions, she’d just have to suggest this great donut place conveniently near the Gala,[499] and Spike, the gluttonous dragon he is, would be ensured to stay there for the entirety of the night.
It was Pony Joe who would prove to be more difficult to keep quiet. After all, he was responsible for making the dark essence’d donuts after all, serving as a pretty clear witness to all of Celestia’s trickery and crimes. Pony Joe was forced to do Celestia’s dirty work for her, but there was no way to ensure he could keep his trap shut. So, in order to close the loop, she forcefully eliminated him once the Elements were successfully transferred and his job was done (probably giving the original Luna a buddy in the moon this time). Of course, as she didn’t have the Elements this time to use, she probably just used her extra purple evil bib magic. After all, if this wasn’t considered a purple-related emergency, then what was?
But Pony Joe’s disappearance would surely be looked at with some kind of suspicion, or at least some semblance of acknowledgement, and Celestia had to deal with this too. So after banishing Pony Joe to the moon after the mane six had gone home, she quietly replaced him with another one of her tested doppelgangers, called “Donut Joe”. Celestia must’ve been getting better at this whole doppelganger cloning thing, because he looked near identical to him. The only problem was the name I suppose; he had a magical requirement to only be addressed as “Donut Joe”, so these clones were still not yet without their flaws; Celestia had yet a ways to go before perfection. But luckily (or unluckily, depending on whose side you’re on) nopony had ever questioned this sudden name change upon his next appearance.[500] I’m not sure if this was a testament to his forgetability or the simple fact that nopony really cared. Which is kinda sad if you ask me.
Getting back on trainhopping here,[501] this explains why it took Discord so long to escape. After Celestia and Luna’s “lost connection with the Elements” he was not biding his time as so many believed, he was physically unable to escape because the Elements’ switch to the six had not occurred until mid-2011; not late 2010 as so believed. Only when the switch was properly completed in 2011 could Discord escape free.
But unfortunately, it seemed Discord never caught onto the connection. He remained unaware of the true switching during the Gala; understandably so, one would normally not think such an event would be significant, and so he paid little attention to it, ignorant to the subsequent magical imbalance that followed. And he did this all the while the real threat of the Elements’ power was being scarfed down by the six alongside multicolored sprinkles and low-fat glaze.
Knowing the Elements themselves were little more than magical trinkets, this explains why he seemed so nonchalant during the two chances he could have been sealed by the six upon their reunion with the Elements. He knew the six wielding the Elements had no real power, so he had nothing to fear. But he did not know of their ingestion of the Elements donuts, which is why he was so taken aback when he was actually sealed the second time.
In fact, Celestia had planned out the first “Discord re-petrification’s” failure, purposefully allowing the six to fall. And how did she accomplish this? Well, if all the six really were all there, than the Discord sealing would’ve gone on without a hitch, because it was never about friendship, it was about the dark magical essence inside them. But, on this first attempt, a certain blue pegasus wasn’t there. She was off gallivanting in Cloudsdale.
And who took her place? A certain Spike the Dragon. The same Spike the Dragon that was used by Celestia in the past to decide upon Rainbow Dash as a member of the mane six. It was almost as if this replacement was necessary to ensure the first attempt’s failure.
Now you can all see that Spike is clearly becoming a very prominent figure in Celestia’s manipulative mechanisms. Could it be that he was privy to Celestia’s plans all along and was secretly following orders? Could he be a more diabolical figure in history than we had all suspected? Could he be a secret member of The Echelon?
Nah, I did say he was quite stupid after all. He was probably just a favorite pawn that Celestia liked to use, as a figure that was very present in the spheres of both Celestia and Twilight’s lives.
So the failure of this first attempt was all in accordance to Celestia’s own master plan. When Twilight would see all hope was lost, and sunk to her lowest point, at that moment Celestia would spam Twilight her own friendship letters through a certain dragon intermediate.[502]
The purpose of this? To allow Twilight to come to the “solution” herself. The solution of “friendship”. Why did she go to all this trouble? To really hammer the point home. After all, upon Twilight’s darkest moment, she would be much more receptive to accepting new ideas. And by not outright stating the conclusion that she wanted her to reach, but sending hints in the form of friendship letters instead, it would force Twilight to come to this conclusion herself, making it seem as though the idea was her own, when in fact Celestia had really just incepted the idea into her brain.[503]
Only once she had ensured that Twilight reached the conclusion of “Friendship = Good, DURRRRRRRRR” and the six believed in the true power of friendship once more,[504] did she set up Rainbow Dash’s return[505] and allow the six to be reunited. And with their reunification, unknowingly using the dark essence of the Elements, they defeated Discord once and for all.[506]
To summarize the lesson they learned from all this,[507] if the Elements work when Friendship = Strong, then Friendship must always be strong to savee da world! Long live da friendship![508]
So at the end of the day, when you really break it down, Twilight and her friends didn’t save shit. They didn’t reach a sudden epiphany on the powers of friendship or any shit like that. Celestia just manipulated them, as usual, to do her bidding. Like all ponies Celestia meets, they just end up being pawns in her sick, sick game. Which is why I’m so glad I never got the opportunity to learn from that she-bitch.[509]
With this, Celestia had won. Another sad day in Equestria’s history. Not only was Discord defeated, resealed along with his chaotic magic back into his stony prison, but the mane six’s belief in friendship was stronger than ever, and this (incepted) belief would stay with them for all their years to come. It was almost as if Discord’s very return was already a predestined victory for Celestia. And of course it was, Celestia had planned this out from the very beginning. Knowing when he would escape, what he incorrectly believed in, and his ignorance to where the true essence of the Elements now lied. The only unforeseen factor was with Discord’s subtle reveal of what he knew. But even despite all that, she had enough contingency plans to spare to ensure that she came up on top.
And with this, for the first time in his life, Discord had lost the Great Game.[510] The puppetmaster himself had been out-gambled,[511] by Celestia of all ponies. And keeping Celestia’s famed idiocy in mind, what a blow to the ego that must’ve been. But where Celestia lacks in proper smarts and leadership, she makes up in devious manipulation tactics. So you’ve got that going for ya, Celestia. That and probably a million STIs.
And so we reach the end of Discord’s Second Coming. But I can already hear some of you attempt to poke holes in my story, so I’ll just play along with some of your pathetic complaints before wiping them out with my flawless logic. As always.
Let’s read it out loud. The first complaint, "If Celestia had hypnosis over the mane six, what was the point of teaching them the lesson of friendship on Discord's return? What was the point of anything for that matter? Why didn’t she just control them to do her bidding for all time?"
WHACK!
That's the sound of me smacking you in the face.
If you insist on an actual explanation,
WHACK!
That's for doubting me.
WHACK!
And that's for flinching.
But this does have a totally legitimate explanation.[512] Celestia knew that this hypnosis could only last so long. Plus she's lazy too. Add sloth to the list of her deadly sins.
Yes, hypnosis would be easiest, but she was in it for the long term, and more importantly, for the easiest solution. Why go to all the effort of hypnotizing the ponies to believe in the power of friendship each time you need them to believe, when you could instead just have them learn the importance of friendship themselves? An ultimate friendship lesson, which was the solution to a national crisis that threatened to allow chaos to reign supreme, would sure be something they would keep in their hearts forever. And bam, there it is. They had learned the importance of friendship themselves through their own experiences, and would probably do Celestia's friendship biddings voluntarily from now on, rather than need Celestia to hypnotize them each time.
"But wait," you may ask, "Orchestrating the lesson alongside Discord's return sounds like it would be way more complex than just hypnotizing them. There were so many factors that she needed to rely on to ensure that the plan would go off perfectly. Didn’t you say that Celestia did this because she wanted to take the easiest way out? Why would she go to all this effort to plan this out when hypnotizing them to learn this lesson permanently would've been far easier for her to do?"
Well, there's a perfectly good explanations for this. It's because...
Um...
WHACK!