“So, the unicorn that summoned Beelzeboob, has he broke yet?” Celestia asked, talking to her sister after returning to Canterlot.
“He is quite mad. Raving in fact. Said he summoned Beelzeboob to save us all,” Luna replied, glad that the annoying half-demon was now gone.
“Luna, there have been stranger heroes,” Celestia said, looking very thoughtful.
“I suppose you are right. It is much easier to think without him around. Still, the unicorn is quite mad. Says the stars are lining up just right, all the usual predictions of doom and gloom, and that some unspeakable evil is going to be unleashed upon us,” Luna said.
“Now that Beelzeboob is gone, I want to speak with the unicorn directly,” Celestia said.
“Of course, if you think you can understand his insane ramblings,” Luna answered.
“I think Beelzeboob found a friend already. There was a nice little earth pony, she is his neighbor, I hope she is kind to him,” Celestia said, a sunny smile spreading over her lips. “Do you have your agents watching over our guest?”
“Of course,” Luna replied. “Do you think if we made a tincture of poison joke leaves, he might develop an aura of harmony?”
An earth pony and something stood outside of Mjölna’s smithy. The walk through town had caused quite a panic, and the panic had been doubled when problematic parts of Beelzeboob’s anatomy had peeked out to say hello to passing ponies. A minor stampede had broken out in the open air market.
Elphaba had enjoyed every moment of the panic, perhaps even a bit too much.
Beelzeboob smoothed back his black hair, stroked his goatee, and then knocked at the door, banging away with his large bony knuckles. He waited, then knocked again.
The door opened and a milk chocolate-brown mare stuck her head out. “Hello-oh my goodness!”
“Hi Mjölna,” Elphaba greeted.
“Hiya Elphie, who is your friend?” Mjölna returned.
“This is Beelzeboob. He needs a job,” Elphaba explained in brief.
Grinning rakishly, Beelzeboob studied the brown mare. She looked rather manic, at least half crazed, and was completely unafraid of him. “Hi,” Beelzeboob said in his most charismatic voice.
“Hmm, I dunno,” Mjölna said, still looking up at Beelzeboob strangely. “Why should I hire you?”
“Have anything hot? Or open flames?” Beelzeboob asked with a wink and a nod.
“Sure, come in,” Mjölna offered, opening up the door completely and stepping back inside of her shop, never taking her eyes off of Beelzeboob.
Looking confident, Beelzeboob strode in, looked around the smithy, saw several irons sitting in the fire, reached down into the glowing embers, grabbed a white hot length of iron, and then picked it up. He held it in his hand calmly, his smile never breaking. “I am an infernal creature, I am utterly immune to fire and heat,” Beelzeboob explained to the dumbfounded earth ponies.
“Well I’ll be, that is useful,” Mjölna said, her eyes wide with disbelief. “Consider yourself hired.”
“Hmmph. I was worried that this was going to be a problem,” Beelzeboob admitted.
“I thought for certain it was going to be a problem,” Elphaba said, looking at Mjölna.
Looking bored, Beelzeboob began to juggle several hot irons and a cherry red lump of metal. He whistled as he juggled, his tail occasionally snatching something before it fell, tossing it back up, and keeping quite a number of things flying through the air. “I gotta warn you, I have this whole element of disharmony thing going on, it brings out the worst in people around me. And ponies too.”
“Oh… well, I should warn you, ponies think I am crazy. I am not from here! I keep trying to tell these ponies that I used to be a horse, and I carried a big woman known as a valkyrie, and I worked for a god named Odin the Allfather,” Mjölna replied. “He was nice. Kept ravens as pets. Like to feed me carrots and give me mead.”
“Hey… I know I guy named Loki that said his father’s name was Odin. Loki was exiled to Jersey. Real pain in the ass, total douchebag that Loki, like to do the whole “hey what’s that on your shirt” thing and then tweak your nose. Loki was something of minor deity. Mostly just a pain in the fuckin’ ass,” Beelzeboob said.
“You… you are from my old world?” Mjölna asked.
“Maybe,” Beelzeboob replied. “I wasn’t aware that there were other worlds, but here I am. So why are you here?”
“I don’t know. I just woke up here with this strange mark on my butt one day,” Mjölna answered.
“I got summoned by some creepy unicorn,” Beelzeboob said.
“Wait, so she isn’t crazy?” Elphaba interjected.
“Hell no, she comes from where I come from. Turns out my old world is full of all kinds of crazy gods and they all lay claim to different people and you are just kinda stuck with the one that claims you. Or some kind of crazy bullshit. I don’t know. I was only just starting to learn about the bigger picture and what was going on,” Beelzeboob explained to Elphaba.
“Well, I am sorry for calling you crazy,” Elphaba offered.
“Think nothing of it, I am crazy. I used to let a big fat smelly woman that reeked of cheese ride me into battle,” Mjölna said.
This is easier than I thought Beelzeboob thought to himself as he looked around his apartment. Three friends already, which is way more than than I ever had on earth when I became what I am. Silver Spanner, Mjölna’s business partner, had been surprisingly good to him. Sarcastic, witty, but good. It had only been a brief meeting, but he would get to know both of them better tomorrow.
And, he could bring his puppy they had told him. He wondered where said puppy was.
There had been visitors while he had been out. The fridge was full of cheese, the pantry was full of Appleloosan Acre’s brand refried beans, and there was a stack of tortillas in a plastic wrapper on the counter. There were bottles of soda in the fridge, and a few other odds and ends. There was also a pile of coins on the counter, along with a note saying that he would get a weekly allowance for a while to help him adjust.
“Hey hey, something is about to be ‘loosan up, and it isn’t my apple,” Beelzeboob said. He looked around his apartment, crestfallen, there was no one there to laugh at his joke. “Assholeloosan,” he muttered, his own punchline falling flat, and he glared at the cans of refried beans reproachfully, faulting them for being a terrible audience.
“Aw nuts, I am talking to myself again,” he said to himself in disappointment.
Not knowing what else to do, Beelzeboob went outside. He figured that whomever was going to deliver the puppy would be able to find him somehow, he was easy to spot in a crowd.
An odd collection of animal parts approached and Beelzeboob watched the figure closely. He had no idea what he was seeing, but it was the only thing around that even remotely resembled himself. The figure was even bipedal.
“Ah yes, I’ve heard rumours about you,” the figure said. “You left Twilight Sparkle in quite a state. I must congratulate you. My name is Discord,” he stated, introducing himself. “You seem to be a fairly standard model chaos entity, which is to say not standard at all.”
“My name is Beelzeboob,” Beelzeboob said to Discord.
“I know,” Discord said. “How is life around the ponies?”
“It doesn’t seem so bad,” Beelzeboob answered. “I’d kill for a cigarette though.”
The mismatched figured stroked his chin for a moment, his tail lashing from side to side, and finally, a cackle escaped his lips. “You don’t even know, do you?”
“Know what? Hey, wait, are you the baconequus I was warned about?” Beelzeboob replied.
Discord laughed maniacally for a moment, stared at Beelzeboob, and then literally fell apart from laughter, collapsing into a pile of body parts upon the ground. He snapped his claws and reassembled himself, which made Beelzeboob gape.
“Try thinking about what it is you want, I mean, really think about it, and then try snapping your fingers,” Discord said, a manic grin cracking his face.
Beelzeboob, not sure what to think, snapped his fingers. Nothing happened.
“Hmm, not expected. Wait, you have four fingers and two thumbs. Try double snapping, using two fingers and each thumb, everything all at once,” Discord said, now serious for a moment.
Not knowing what to expect, Beelzeboob attempted the complicated action, failing several times, but finally managing a double snap. When he did so, a cigarette appeared, dangling from his lips. “How?” he asked, the cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth.
“Magic. Back in your world, you could have done this as well. If you don’t use your magic, it leaks out passively, creates an aura of disharmony, and ponies will have trouble around you. I am still a prankster and a troublemaker, but I must confess, it is nice having friends. I just have to make sure my magic goes out in controlled useful bursts, otherwise, ponies start saying the most awful things about one another around me and fighting. Word of warning. Use your magic wisely, and never, ever, under any circumstance, make my dearest Fluttershy cry. Or there will be trouble between us,” Discord explained, his eyebrow raised in a vaguely threatening manner.
“Wait, I wasn’t using any magic earlier and ponies weren’t really fighting around me,” Beelzeboob said, thinking about his time at Mjölna’s smithy.
“Perform any feats of impossibility?” Discord inquired.
“Feats of what?” Beelzeboob responded.
“Feats of impossibility. Something that is but should not be,” Discord answered.
“Well, I reached into the fire and started to juggle hot iron bits,” Beelzeboob said, thinking back upon the incident and trying to think of anything he might have done.
“That is a feat of impossibility,” Discord stated. “Such a thing takes magic. Which means your magic is focused to a specific task, which means no random chaos all around you.”
“So if I stand in a fire burning myself and grabbing hot irons, I could finally have friends?” Beelzeboob asked, his tail forming a question mark behind him.
“Friendship really is magic,” Discord said. “These ponies, they need a little chaos. They don’t know it, but what we do defines harmony. Let out your magic in little bursts, try to help them, but be careful about good intentions,” he warned. And with that, Discord snapped his claws and vanished into a cloud of flying stips of bacon, which wiggled and slithered away, squealing and shrieking like bats.
Beelzeboob, flummoxed by what he just learned and seen, stared down at his own six fingered hand. “So I can be a bit of a jerk, which is a good thing, but not too much of a jerk. I can be a loveable jerk,” he said to himself.
He attempted the complicated snapping gesture again, and then again, until he finally got it, and the cigarette in his mouth vanished. In its place was a lollipop. “Time for a change,” he muttered.
“Hey, you there? Beelzeboob?”
“Yes?” Beelzeboob replied, staring at the horned pony as it approached.
“Special delivery,” the delivery pony replied, holding a basket in a glowing sparkling field. “Please sign,” the pony asked, holding up a clipboard.
Beelzeboob signed the paper and the basket was stuffed into his arms.
“Good luck,” the pony said, his expression one of fear and worry. The delivery pony turned and ran, not even waiting for a tip, trailing a stream of dust behind him as he hurried away.
Feeling a sense of excitement, Beelzeboob lifted away the blanket over the basket, and what he saw made him gasp. Three little heads, and for a moment, he thought he had three puppies. But there was three little heads and one little body. It was small, and hideously adorable, just the right size to be picked up and cuddled.
“I have a three headed puppy,” Beelzeboob said to himself, ponies running while screaming from his general vicinity as he lifted the puppy from out of the basket, their cries of terror barely registering in his ears. Three little tongues licked his face and Beelzeboob experienced what could only be described as sheer joy, the feeling of knowing that a puppy likes you, maybe loves you.
“You know, this isn’t so bad, I really hope I don’t screw this up.”