//------------------------------// // XIII: Never Trust a Salesman Part 2 // Story: I Should Have Never Bought That Pony // by Final Draft //------------------------------// Several of the armored horses spread their wings and took to the skies, barely noticing the flying Corvette. Bruce cowered in fear as they flew just inches from his window. Discord maneuvered the car away from the center and back into the city. "Now, what I'm curious to see is the long term effects of all this," Discord said, waving his finger around. "They say you're not supposed to know too much about your future, I suppose, but—" "Please," Bruce begged, "can we please just go back to the present? I'll let you keep the car!" Discord's eyes lit up. "Well, that's a very generous offer, Mr. Brucie. I don’t suppose I could get that in writing?" He snapped his fingers and a thick envelope with the Potamkin logo appeared before him. "Just tell me where to sign." Bruce looked at the envelope and then to Discord. "You planned this, didn't you?" he asked angrily. "Is this some kind of immature payback? I show you how a true salesman does business and you throw a fit?" "Come now, Brucie," Discord laughed. "Why would I ever use such underhanded tactics?" "Because you're a lunatic!" Bruce shouted. He snatched the envelope out of the air and took a pen out of his pocket. "Don't think you've won because I'm giving you this car. My lawyer and I are gonna have a long chat when I get back, and you bet your ass I'll be coming after you." "You put far too much faith in your legal system," Discord laughed. "By the time you get me in court, Earth will already be ruled by colorful, talking ponies!" "Yeah, I don't think so, buddy," Bruce scoffed as he scribbled his signature on each of the papers he'd removed from the envelope. "Didn't you see part three of Back to the Future? See, the future isn't written. When you take me back, I'm gonna make sure none of this shit even happens." "Hey! Don't spoil it for me!" Discord whined. "Part Three isn't on until tonight!" He swerved the Corvette around the Empire State Building, spiraling up the sides until he reached the top. Bruce was pressed back against his seat as they rose, trying to keep his writing steady. When Bruce finished adding his signature to the last page of the contract, he thrust it into Discord's face. "Sign on the X's and then take me back." He crossed his arms and looked at Discord impatiently. "Not without reading it first," Discord grinned, flipping the first page. "Are you serious?" Bruce exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. "All the rates were filled it when you poofed it here. You already know what it says—just sign the damn thing!" The Corvette soared over the New York skyline as Discord ignored Bruce and read through the thirty-two page contract, adding his signature where needed. He steered with his knees, narrowly avoiding the tops of buildings, only adjusting the wheel when Bruce would shout out a warning. Finally, Discord added his signature to the final page of the contract and passed it back to Bruce. "Well, that should all be in order. Just give me my copies and we'll call it a day." He handed the papers and pen back to Bruce and went back to steering the vehicle. Bruce flipped through the pages and tore off the yellow and pink copies, placing them into the envelope like he would with a normal client. "There, you happy now?" Bruce asked, closing the envelope and tossing it into the glove box. "Very happy, thank you," Discord smiled. "Well, I suppose we should be getting back now, shouldn't we? Oh, wait! There is that one other thing." Bruce blinked rapidly and clenched his fists. "What other thing?" "Do you have your contract on you by chance? The one from our other transaction?" "No, it’s in my briefcase at the dealership…why?" Bruce asked warily. "Don't worry, I have the original," Discord said reaching into his blazer. The parchment unfurled, and at the very bottom, a line of text was glowing red. "Oh, it seems we have a little problem, Brucie." "What the hell do you mean?" Bruce asked, grabbing at the contract only to have it yanked away at the last second. "Upon the completion of this transaction, I—that's you—agree to refrain from further transactions with this merchant," Discord read aloud. He smiled and turned to look at Bruce. "You just sold me a car, Brucie." "Wait, no, no, no!" Bruce shouted, pointing his finger inches from Discord's glaring yellow eye. "That meant I couldn’t buy anything from you! No more ponies—from you!" Discord laughed a hearty laugh and reached for his cane. "That's not how my lawyer interpreted it!" A miniature version of Discord about six inches tall appeared on the dashboard and cleared its throat. It wore a blue suit and had a pair of glasses on which it took off before speaking. "The contract clearly states the two parties are not to engage in any transactions; either purchases or sales," the tiny Discord explained in a high pitch voice. "Bruce Defranco sold my client a car, and that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is where he broke the law." A tiny jury composed of Discords, all male, but some dressed in drag, appeared on the dashboard as well as a judge and bailiff. "We find the defendant guilty, your Honor!" a member of the jury shouted. Bruce stared in disbelief at the gathering of Discords. 'Judge' Discord raised his gavel and brought it down, shouting, "Guilty!" and a cheer went through the jury. "No! This is stupid!" Bruce shouted, sweeping his arm across the dashboard. The little Discords were swept aside and screamed shrill, little screams. "Oh, you didn't wait to hear the penalty," the full size Discord said. He sighed and snapped his fingers, causing the little court assembly of Discords to disappear. "Well, you read the contract, so you already know what happens now." Before Bruce could react, Discord brought his cane up and bopped him on the head with it. His muscles tensed and his body began convulsing violently. "You…can't do this!" he shouted through clenched teeth. Within seconds, he was no longer human. Discord lifted the pony Bruce out of his suit by the scruff of his neck and laughed. "I hope you've learned something today, Brucie, but even if you haven't, we still had a good time!" "Change me back, now!" Bruce shouted, his voice that of an angry child. "Oh, trust me, you're going to want to stay in that body. Things are going to get…heavy," Discord said deviously. He reached to his left and opened the door to the Corvette, thrusting Bruce out and holding him in mid air. "Please! don't do this!" Bruce begged. "I'm doing you a favor, Brucie! You're a pegasus now! Go, join your brethren in the revolution!" And with that, Discord released his grip on the pony's scruff. The little pegasus disappeared into the night sky below the Corvette, and Discord closed his door. He pressed the accelerator to the floor and pushed a few buttons on the time circuit display, smiling to himself. The Corvette left a trail of flames in the sky as it tore through time, sending Discord back to December 27th. Snow was still falling from the sky and Discord navigated carefully back to the car dealership. When he landed, he grabbed Bruce's copy of his contract out of his abandoned jacket, and walked into the dealership. "Hi, can I help you?" a young saleswoman asked as Discord entered. "Yes, can you file these for Mr. Defranco?" he asked, handing her the papers. She looked at them in confusion, and then to the strange man that had given them to her. A grin was plastered on his face that made her feel uncomfortable, but she nodded. "Y-yes, I'll do that," she said, looking uneasily into Discord's eyes. "W-where is Mr. Defranco?" "Said he had a flight to catch," Discord replied. His tone made the woman feel even more uncomfortable and she broke eye contact to look down at the papers in her hand. "That's…odd. I could have sworn—" The dealership's automatic door slid open as Discord walked back out into the parking lot, leaving the woman standing there in silent bewilderment. He walked back to the car to see the little Spanish boy from before looking at the car as the layer of ice coating it flaked off. "Ah, I'm glad you're still here," Discord said, approaching the boy. "I'd still like your opinion on the color." Miguel stared at Discord, too afraid to move. Discord failed to notice however, and began tapping his cane against the car. The ice disappeared off of it, and the gray paint turned red. "Red?" He tapped the car again. "Or blue?" The boy didn't answer, so Discord cycled through the colors again. When he still didn't receive a reply, he reached into his jacket and removed a hundred dollar bill. He held the crisp piece of currency up for the boy and repeated his choices once more. Finally, with shaking voice, Miguel replied, "R-r-red." Discord smiled and handed the bill over to the kid. "I completely agree, but it's missing something." Miguel took the money and ran from Discord, fearful that the man may take the money back if he stayed too long. Discord paid him little mind as he ran off, more focused on his new car. His mind went back to Bruce and his panic about taking the car on the road without following proper procedure. There's something it needs to be street legal…Oh yes! A plate of some sort! He tapped his cane on the car's bumper and a porcelain plate appeared where the license plate should have been. "Odd law," Discord mused. "Their whole legal system is odd…and so delightful to exploit." He looked around, making sure no one had seen him talking to himself, and then got into his new vehicle. --- Discord walked into the Jade Garden and was immediately greeted by a pretty Chinese woman. "Ah, Mister Discord! So happy to see you!" "And the same to you, Miss Xue," he said. She rushed forward to take his coat and he slid his arms out of it. "I'll be sitting at the bar, as per usual." "Very good! Enjoy!" she said with a bow. Always so eccentric, Discord thought as he walked to the bar. The bartender, a Chinese man dressed in traditional clothing, gave Discord a nod and immediately reached for a bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch whiskey. Discord smiled as he took his seat and awaited his drink. He glanced up at the three television's mounted above the liquor cabinets. One was showing public access cartoons, and the other two were on commercial breaks. As if the bartender had read his mind, he grabbed a remote control and changed the channel of the television closest to Discord. "Thank you, Mao," Discord said as the channel stopped on the FX network. "Part Three starts in—" he checked his Rolex, "—ten minutes." The bartender nodded and placed Discord's drink in front of him. "Anything else for you?" he asked in perfect English. Discord shook his head and picked up his glass. "Got all I need right here," he said, raising it happily. Mao nodded and went back to wiping down the counter. While he did that, Discord reached into his blazer and removed an accordion folder. He undid the clasp and set it in front of him. "You don't mind if I take care of a little business, do you?" "Made more sales, have you?" Mao asked, eyeing the folder. Discord shook his head, removing a piece of parchment with glowing red lettering. "All the presents have been delivered and I'm good for another year," Discord grinned, setting down the parchment in front of him. "Now it's back to making my list, and checking it twice—I've got to find out who's been naughty, and who's been nice." Mao stood very still, sweat starting to form on his brow. "Have you had some naughty ones already?" he asked, trying to see the name on the contract Discord had placed under his drink. "Oh yes, quite a few," Discord replied, removing another contract. This one was devoid of red lettering and he set it on his left. "How is little Ai Kay," he asked taking out another contract and setting it on his left. "She's good," Mao replied, adjusting the collar on his Jacquard jacket. He cleared his throat and added, "So is the pony." "Is that so?" Discord asked, holding up the contract he'd just removed from his folder. The lettering of a large section was glowing red, and he held it up for Mao to see. His face turned white and he nearly collapsed, but Discord simply lifted his glass and placed the contract under it. "That's good to hear, because little Rebecca and her father aren't faring so well right now." He leaned down to look at the red section of the contract. "Oh yeah, my hands were tied with that one, but, he should have read the contract." There was a small commotion from the seating area of the restaurant, followed by the laughter of two children. A little Chinese girl and a yellow filly with a big, red bow took turns chasing each other around the legs of the empty tables. What few customers there were in the restaurant watched in fascination, and even smiled at the sight. Mao had looked away from Discord to make sure his daughter wasn't disturbing the customers. Just as he went to shout to her, Discord held a piece of parchment up to his face. "It seems that you're still in good shape, Maui," he said, placing the contract on his left. "The first customers are usually the best." "I asked that you don’t call me that," Mao said. It agitated him, but the relief he hadn't violated his contract calmed him down. "But, um, thank you." Discord sipped his Johnnie Walker and continued sorting through the folder until he had all the contracts separated. "Hmm, only three so far," Discord said, looking at the contracts on his right. And I had to force all three of them…this is taking too long. "That's good, right?" Mao asked. Before Discord could answer, Ai Kay ran over to the bar laughing and hid behind her father's legs. The pony chasing her went to follow, but came to a dead stop upon seeing Discord sitting at the bar. It took several steps back and retreated into the dining area. Ai Kay ran out from behind the bar and went to look for her pony, still laughing. As she ran into the dining area, the laughing quickly stopped. "And now, an FX feature presentation of Back to the Future: Part Three, brought to you by—" Discord looked up at the television and smiled. His biggest guilty pleasure of being on Earth was definitely television—the second biggest was alcohol. Business could wait while he indulged in both. He tapped his finger on his empty glass and Mao began filling him another. "Ah, look," Discord said, pointing to the screen. A pudgy unicorn in a suit stood under a banner with Potamkin Manhattan written on it, and Discord laughed. Mao squinted at the picture on the screen and just shook his head. He finished pouring Discord his drink and walked into the kitchen, leaving the crazed salesman to himself at the bar. Just as the commercial finished, the five o' clock news fanfare played on one of the other television screens. "This is Fox News at Five, live with your breaking stories. Tonight—" "You're going to let us out of here, or we're going to turn you into a pony next!" Discord's neck turned so fast that his head swiveled a full three hundred and sixty degrees. He'd recognized that obnoxious voice as the pony he'd given to David. The screen showed shaky camera footage of Diamond Tiara staring deviously at the screen before being dragged away by Celestia. The subtitle at the bottom said, More strange footage of talking ponies. "—what appeared to be a clever hoax has now launched a federal investigation after this incident happened earlier today. Several pictures of a bruised man that Discord immediately recognized as David flashed across the screen. They showed him in handcuffs being placed into the back of a police van, apparently yelling at the officers. The preview continued with a male voice over. And authorities have captured this man after he broke into the New York Animal Hospital earlier today with that talking pony. There's also reason to believe he was involved in that fatal car crash yesterday that killed one and left three injured. All this and more to come, tonight." "Live, local, and dependable: Fox News." Davey boy, you're my hero! Discord thought as the screen went to commercials. Oh, and let's see, that was little Celestia with you, oh, this is perfect! So if I'm correct, you went to help your dear old brother-in-law, you met Celestia, probably made a deal of sorts, and then you and your pony cavalry rushed in to save the day. "Wait," Discord said aloud. He shuffled through the pile of contracts on his left, looking for one in particular. When he found it, he was disappointed to see none of it was glowing red. "They got you, but not Fluffy?" And where did Celestia wander off to, I wonder. I mean, I suppose it doesn't matter where she is until her sister shows up, but I'd like to know until that happens. He finished off his drink and began rubbing his temples. It'll all work out, he assured himself. Fox News resumed with three reporters sitting behind a desk in the news room. On the table was one of Hasbro's new My Little Pony dolls, and it faced the camera as well. "Tonight's big story is about ponies," one of the two male anchors said with a straight face. "They look just like this," he picked up the doll and held it with both hands, "but they can think, feel, and even talk. We're not sure where they came from, but we may know why they're here." The same clip from the previews played for the at-home audience, showing Diamond Tiara looking angrily into the camera. "You're going to let us out of here, or we're going to turn you into a pony next!" she shouted. The screen paused, leaving the pony with a look of Schadenfreude* on her face. And that's why I gave the bad one to the good one. "This video was taken from within the New York Animal Hospital earlier today, when a man and his daughter apparently ran in, demanding the pony that had been taken there the night before; the same pony involved in that fatal accident yesterday, and seen in this video." Another shaky video played on the screen, showing a red and green bandaged pony screaming at the camera, demanding its lawyer. The feed cut back to the news room and the female anchor continued speaking. "It is now believed that this pony is in fact Zachary Folsom, the owner of the car that the pony was found in. Sounds crazy, right? Listen to this." The screen showed more of the shaking footage from within the animal hospital. All the screen showed was blurred movements across the floor as the phone was handled haphazardly. Subtitles appeared at the bottom as a boyish voice spoke followed by David's voice. "David, please, you gotta get me outta here! Come on, it's me, Zack!" "Shut up for five seconds, Zack...This is my brother-in-law, and he's coming with me." The three reporters in the news room looked at each other before they all started speaking at once. They went back and forth about hoaxes and conspiracies, ultimately settling down to return to the scheduled broadcast. The female anchor cleared her throat and straightened the papers in front of her. "No matter what this is, authorities are asking for any information you may have about these talking ponies, or any others." The few people in the restaurant had their eyes glued to the television as the broadcast aired. One woman gave her husband a nudge and then made a head gesture to one of the empty tables. Beneath it was Ai Kay and her pony enjoying a plate of cubed pineapple. The man took the hint and stood up, taking his cellphone out of his pocket as he walked to the bathroom. And this is how it begins. Within a few hours, these contracts are going to start lighting up like Christmas lights. Thank you, social media. Discord threw all the contracts back into his accordion folder, slid a hundred dollar bill under his empty glass, and left the restaurant. He could catch Part Three another time, he supposed. There was far too much to do now that the ball was rolling. He hopped into his Corvette and fumbled for his keys. A knock on his window made him jump and drop his keys on the floor. Staring in at him was a New York Police officer with a snow covered mustache. He knocked again when Discord only stared at him blankly. Then the officer held up Discord's plate. After failing to roll down the Corvette's power window, Discord reluctantly got out of the car. "What are you doing with my plate?" Discord asked with mild annoyance. "You a comedian?" the officer asked with a thick Brooklyn accent. "Cause this is funny. Illegal, but funny. I'm going need to see your license and registration."