Room for Rent

by Drax99


What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

“Holiday RoooOOoooooOOoooaad! Holiday Roooad!”♫ The warbling voice of my perky pink passenger floated from the back seat, setting my teeth on edge.

“Dammit Pinkie, not that song again!” I growled.

“Aww, but its such a great song, and from an awesome movie! And we gotta have traveling music. There's a rule, I’m sure of it.” Leaning forward to prop her chin on my shoulder, she quickly nuzzled my ear before sitting back to avoid my half hearted backhand.

“Stop it, I’m trying to drive here. The assholes are out in force today.” I managed to swerve around another moron as he switched two lanes to cut me off--without turn signals. Pinkie tumbled across the seat with a loud thump, and a squeak. “And get back in your seat before you get hurt! I paid good money to get that damn pony seat installed for you, now use it.” The car was also a rental, since my little sports sedan wouldn't hold all of our stuff for the trip. The luxury upgrade helped with the long drive as well.

“Owie. Sorry Louis, but the seatbelt itches, and my butt keeps going to sleep. I gotta move around and wag my tail, ‘cuz we are goin on a ♫ROOAD TRIIIP!♫” She sang, as she climbed back into the seat.

“Soon as we get to the first stop, you can wiggle your ass all you want. Until then, stay in your seat.” Huffing, I slowed down to give the finger to yet another jackass doing ten miles under the speed limit, before maneuvering around him, while using my turn signals. Predictably, he was yammering away on a cell phone, and didn't even notice. “Against the law my ass.” I muttered darkly.

“Sooo, how much longer till we get there?” Pinkie whined from her secure location.

“Pinkie, I’ve told you before, its gonna take two days minimum. We are driving all the way across the country, and we have stops along the way.” I rolled my eyes, peeking in the rear view mirror to see her sucking on a juice box. It was friggin adorable.

“And why are we not just flying there?” She whined again.

“Again, you were the one that wanted to see the country, and I haven't been on a road trip since I was a little kid. We are gonna retrace the route me and my parents took to get to Walterland.” I grinned, remembering the golden times with me and my parents on the open road.

“Louis?” Again the whining, and it was starting to get to me.

“What, Pinkie?” I once again growled.

“I gotta go to the bathroom...” I facepalmed. This was going to be a long ass trip.


***One Week Earlier***


 
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You’re cool. And Fuck you, I’m out!” I shouted across the sales floor at the shithead managers and asinine customers as I strode for the door. I had rehearsed the scene in my head for years, and finally I was getting to live my dream.

“Don't expect to get a good reference for your next job! You will regret this, and when you need a job, don't come crawling back to Pencils!” My boss huffed at me, red faced, but unwilling to yell at full volume in front of customers.

I paused and gave a creepy smile, causing him to take a step back. “Next job? I already have my next job. They are paying me $30,000 a year salary, with quarterly performance bonuses, and housing and travel expenses! Oh, and it’s a minimum three year contract. So you can take this shitty 30-hour a week retail torture session and stick it up your tight penny-pinching ass... Sideways!”

Kissing both hands, I raised my arms and gave twin victory signs. “Peace, Niggas! I’m out!” This was met with cheers and clapping from customers and coworkers alike, as my boss turned a new shade of red and stormed back into his office. No doubt he was writing a rather scathing review of my performance and ineligibility for rehire.

And thus started my emancipation from retail servitude. I had just gotten the acceptance call for my new job; Technology Liaison for Equestrian Technology. Basically, it was a government funded company that was re-engineering earth technology for use in Equestria. I am pretty sure my dad had a hand in getting me the job, since he still kept in touch with his old government contracts. The fact that I was already living with a pony apparently sealed the deal, since I had experience with pony culture and capabilities.

When they found out it was Pinkie Pie, they called back and offered me the bonuses. To quote the recruiter, “Anyone that can live with that pony is more than capable of dealing with anything else ponies can possibly throw at them.” The fact that Pinkie was classified as a level 2 natural disaster in her homeland may also have something to do with it. Who knew, right?

So suddenly I found myself awaiting my new job in three weeks, and no longer in need of the pathetic retail slavery. I had vacation time saved up, and cashed it all in, quitting my old job. I considered giving the standard two weeks notice, but after I was offered such a generous bonus, I decided to say “screw it all.” But what to do with my free time? I was going to go on a grand adventure, and take my closest friend to see the beautiful country I lived in. Pinkie had been wanting to see more of my world, having seen bits of it on TV and the internet, and finally we had a chance to go. So, off home I went to break the news.

“So, you quit your job, but you got a better job? Now you want to spend a week alone with me in a car driving across the entire country to go see this amazingly funneriffic place you went to as a kid? Just the two of us, on the open road! No rules, no inhibitions, into the west like the explorers of old, hoof in hand as we drive into the sunset!” Pinkie's face almost split in half as her voice went faster and faster, and she bounced like a demented bobble head.

“Yeahh... Do you have to make it sound so creepy?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “It’s just two friends, hanging out and seeing the sights. We have some fun, snap some photos, do the tourist thing, and then come home with some nice memories.”

“Sounds great! But, why don't we just fly? Wouldn't that be faster?” Scratching her head, the pony looked at me.

“See, that's the thing! It’s not about the destination, its all about the journey. Sure, Walterland is awesome and fun, but driving across this amazing country, the wind in our hair, the freedom of the open road! Those are the real memories. Besides, you kept telling me how much you wanted to see more of my world, and now you can.”

“Wowie! That does sound fun! We can be like Cisco and Ebert, Bunny and Clyde, Butch Kennedy and the Squaredance Kid,  Daring Do and... and. Wait, I think she works alone. But I bet Dashie would totally give her left wing to go on an adventure!” Beaming at me, Pinkie continued to rattle off names and references to people I had never heard of. I am pretty sure some of them were made up. “Yes, I can see it now!” Sliding up to me, I found myself pulled down to Pinkie’s level as she waved a hoof in front of us. “Louis and Pie, Great Explorers of the West!”

“Okay, whatever. Just remember, as much fun as it is, there will be plenty of sitting in a car and driving. Are you sure you can stand sitting still that long?” I grinned at my enthusiastic friend, poking her in the middle and getting a satisfying giggle, not unlike the Pittsburgh Pretzel Boy.

“Oh of course I can sit still. In fact, one time I had to sit and watch paint dry for hours as... As um.” Suddenly like a switch was thrown, the happy pink mare had a look of horror on her face, with the shell shocked hundred yard stare of a combat veteran. “So many dead. So much slaughter. All gone! They’re all gone!” Her hair went limp, and her eyes grew wide as tears started to stream down her face. “Why, Twilight? Why?”

Panicking at the sudden change in behavior, I grabbed Pinkie by her shoulders and shook her. “Pinkie! Snap outta it. You are starting to scare me!”

And like it never happened, the smile was back, and the party pony was looking at me again. “Oh, hiya Louis! Are we ready to go on the trip now?”

“Pinkie, what the fuck just happened? You started freaking out over something, and it scared the hell outta me.” I felt the fear turning to anger as Pinkie just blinked at me in confusion.

“I dunno what you mean, Louis. We were just talking about the supertadteriffic trip. I can't wait to go!” Giggling, the cheery pony slipped out of my stunned grip, and bounced away to her room. “I’m gonna start packing!”

As my friend hummed to herself, not for the first time, I wondered just what the fuck I had gotten myself into.


***Present***


As I waited at the rest stop, I could feel the last of the summer heat beating down on me. The insects buzzed and chirped in the nearby long grass as I watched the other motorists come and go. Thankfully, the humidity was low this far from the coast, but the early fall weather still made itself known. All of the colors, the gold and browns, the dark greens soon to start turning into reds and fiery orange; And yet, the heat still clawed at me as the summer season tried to claw and bite to the bitter end. It was beautiful, and yet so damn uncomfortable.

Finally Pinkie strutted out of the restroom, a big smile on her face, and a streamer of toilet paper stuck to her hind hoof like some old comic cliche. She bounced over to me where I was drinking my cool bottled water, and trying not to glare at her in my frustration. We had wasted half an hour of precious daylight travel time, and I was eager to get back on the road.

“Ya wash your hands?” I groused.

“Hooves, silly! I don't have hands.” My pastel passenger bounced next to me, and rubbed herself against my thigh, forcing me to stumble away. “And yes, they are sparkling clean! And guess what? That have pony toilets! Isn't that awesome? It’s just like back home in Ponyville!”

“What’s so special about a pony toilet? You use a regular one just find back home.” I grumbled and moved farther away to avoid more spontaneous affection, and made my way around to the driver’s seat.

“Well they are alot easier to use, for one. I think they designed them from some Neighponese designs and imported them. I hear all the Annie May people use em.” She opened the door and then leaped into the back seat, and was buckled in before I could even start the car.

“For the last time, it’s called ‘Anime’, not Annie May. And it’s Japanese in this world. Those people make some pretty weird shit too. Not surprised that pony toilets are the same.” I pulled out and headed back to the interstate. “Gimme a good old porcelain throne any day though. Every man is a king at least once a day.” I quipped with a grin.

“I wonder if I can get a pony toilet in my bathroom? It would make things come out alot easier, that’s for sure!” I looked back to see Pinkie cutely sucking on another juice box.

“First off, that is an image I could live without. Second, I don't really care, but you will have to pay for it. And if you get a pony pooper installed, you gotta switch it back if you move out.” I shrugged, and went back to watching the road. Behind me I could hear a giggle, and a muttered ‘Hehe, pony pooper’ in response.


“You get nothing! You lose! Good day, Sir!” The man  with the oddly colored suit shouted in my face.

“B-but, mister Wonka!” I sniveled in response.

“I Said, ‘Good day, Sir!’” and with that, the door was slammed in my face.

Slowly I turned, a tear forming in my eye as I looked over at the pink menace that was looking equally as dejected. “You happy now? You got us kicked out, and I never got to ride the Wonkavator!” I kicked the door, and then sat on the ground. “It was broken when I came here as a kid, and now I will never get to ride it.”

“Oh don’t worry, Louis. I’m sure it’s not as awesome as it sounds. Not nearly as awesome as that chocolate waterfall!” Pinkie nuzzled up against me, and I scooted away, still angry.

“Don’t remind me. How could you eat that much chocolate? I mean, literally, how is is physically possible?” I stood up and threw my hands in the air.

“Well, they did say we could take as many free samples as we wanted. I just really like chocolate! It’s superiffically yummilicious!” Bouncing in front of me, the pink Bag of Holding grinned maniacally.

“Yes, but you ate forty pounds of chocolate! Forty pounds!” I turned and started walking away.

“I don’t get why they were so upset. We didn't even get to see the real Willy Wonka either.” Bouncing along with that inexplicable spring noise of hers, she kept up with me as I trudged back to where we were parked.

“Weren’t you listening during the tour? The original Willy Wonka is in England. His cousin Walter came to America to start a franchise in the 50’s and he built the new factory so he could make cheap chocolate over here, and not compete with his cousin.” I rolled my eyes and turned to look at Pinkie. ”It was all in the movie we watched, too. Or were you too busy gorging on sweets?”

“I dunno, I was enjoying that fizzy stuff. It was better than Applejack’s cider!” She suddenly looked nervous, “But don't tell her I said that.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure we are gonna get a bill for that too. He told you not to touch it, but noo! You can't listen.” I huffed and continued walking.

“Oh well, it’s not all bad. At least I got to play with the oompa-loompa!” She giggled and bounced backwards in front of me. “Too bad he didn't wanna pony ride though.”

“For the last time, he wasn't a damn oompa-loompa! He was just some midget in a uniform. I think he was the quality control inspector or something. In fact you really pissed him off calling him that.” I shook my head and glared at the bouncing furball before me.

“Aww he didn't mind it too much, but he really got mad when you threatened to steal his gold. That wasn't very nice.” She huffed at me, stopping to cross her hooves.

“Hey! I’m a quarter Irish, we know the wily ways of the wee folk, and he owed me some gold for calling him on it!” I shook a finger at her. “Besides, that wasn't what got us kicked out, anyway. You just had to swipe that experimental gum, didn't you?”

“I can’t help it, it was soo yummy! It was like a party exploded in my mouth, twice! And then the flavor kept changing. It was bliss!” She closed her eyes and started to drool, as she twitched spasmodically.

“It turned you into a fuckin blueberry! I mean, you were literally blue. Even for you that’s weird. I thought you were having an allergic reaction.” We started crossing the parking lot, and I scanned the area for my car.

“Oh but the blueberry juice was the best part! It was so amazing and sweet.”

“Yes, but dammit Pinkie, did you have to piss all over Mister Wonka? I mean really? That was disgusting!” I shook my head as I fished for the keys to the car.

“I’m so sorry, but how else was I gonna get rid of that much juice? I just couldn't hold it anymore, and it had to come out somewhere!” She hung her head and kicked the ground ashamedly.

“I honestly don't know, but that was downright nasty. Get in the damn car.” I opened the locks and slid into the seat, starting the engine as Pinkie buckled herself in. “And if you gotta piss, you can fuckin hold it, got me?”

“I’m sorry.” She whimpered.

I just grunted, putting the car in gear and heading back to the road.

“On the road again! I can't wait to get on the road again!” The ever cheerful voice of my companion caused me to groan.

“Dammit Pinkie, no singing!”

“Awwww!”


“I spy, with my pony eye, something that's... Green!” Pinkie spouted off from the back seat.

“Is it corn?” I replied dryly.

“Yes, it is! Wow, you are really good at this game. You know that, Louis?”

“Pinkie, we are in the middle of Kansas. The only thing we can see is corn, corn, and more corn. The last five things you tried to spy were corn.” I sighed, shaking my head. “Oh look, over there!” I sarcastically yelled.

“Oh, what is it? What is it?” like a retarded puppy, she rose to the bait.

“It’s MORE FUCKING CORN!” I yelled. I then proceeded to beat my head on the steering wheel.

“But, I like corn!” She replied, sullenly.

“Yes, Pinkie. But do you remember that talk we had about moderation?” I looked back over the seat at her, totally secure in the fact that not a damn thing was going to enter my path on the ruler flat road we were on.

“Oh, you mean the time you were sued for indecent exposure, but somepony told you it was a nude beach, so they let you go before a moderator to decide your sentence because you were a minor?” Looking at me with wide blue eyes, and not a bit of malice, my pink passenger managed to lock my brain up.

“What? Wait, I never told you about that shit! It was stuck from my record too!” I almost swerved the car in my surprise, and then turned my head back to face the road. Nope, still 11 miles of nothing to the horizon.

“Oh, my bad. Your mom must have told me that one.” I looked back in the rear view mirror to see her shrug.

“No, what I meant was, no matter how good something is, it’s only good in moderation. Like cheerful pink ponies.” I muttered to myself.

“Yay! I’m good!” She cheered as I muttered darkly to myself some more. “Oh, and by the way, we are gonna run out of gas soon. Also, the next rest stop is another hundred miles after the one up ahead.”

“What?” I looked down at the gauge, and sure enough the warning light was on, and the needle was almost touching the E. I then looked up ahead and saw the top of a sign cresting the horizon, high above the waving fields of green.

“How the hell did you know all that? Is this more of your Pinkie Sense shit?” I grumbled.

“Nope, I read the sign a few miles back!” Cheerful as ever, Pinkie beamed at me from the back seat.

So we wound up pulling into a lonely gas station that looked like a prop for a post-apocalyptic survival horror, complete with rusting fuel pumps, and dirt stained windows. The only sign of life was the dog on the front step, and the freshly painted sign advertising WiFi. I shit you not, the last gas station at the end of oblivion had WiFi.

Oh, and did I mention the old guy on the porch next to the dog? That’s probably because I didn't even see him until I was out of the car. Suddenly I was hearing banjos in my head, and wondering how far I could drive with the fuel light on.

“Heya.” I waved to the wizened old fart on the porch. “Lookin to get some gas. I, uhh, don't see a sign with prices anywhere?” In response, the guy just spit off to the side. It may have been my imagination, but I swear I heard the ring of a spittoon being struck. Damn you, Tex Avery.

“So, uhh... Gas? I got cash.” The old man stared at me a moment, then nodded abruptly toward the front door. I nodded my thanks, and made my way inside.

I was glad to notice that the outside did not match the inside, and not just in a Doctor When kinda way. As I passed the threshold, the cool processed air flowed over me, making me aware of the sweat I had built up. The inside was as clean and welcoming as any chain store; with white walls, mass-produced signage, and brightly packaged items that would be found in any Smiley-Mart. The woman behind the counter was middle-aged, smiling, and had all her teeth. She could have been anyone’s mom back home, if you added a few tattoos, and some stretch marks. Maybe a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

I shook off the visions of home, and ambled over to to the counter, pulling out my wallet. The lady glanced at me, her smile faltering for a moment, before returning full force. “How kin ah help ya today?”

“Umm, forty bucks of regular? I didn't see a price outside.” I smiled back.

“Prices change alot, and old Herold cain’t climb too good no more. Most folks are just happy to find a pump round here anyways.” I noticed her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, and the hair on the back of my neck started to rise. I mumbled a thanks and made my way outside.

As I exited the store, I noticed the old man returning the nozzle to the pump, and recapping my gas tank. I have heard of full service pumps before, but never thought I would actually see one. Everything was self-serve back home, to the point that they never bothered to put up signs anymore.

“That’ll be fifty.” The man gruffly said, his voice like a low drone.

“I paid inside, I just gave her forty bucks for the gas.” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at the building.

“That’ll be fifty. Cash.” Again the solemn voice, and emotionless face, a blank mask of indifference.

“Look, I’ll give you the other ten, although I didn't ask you to pump the extra, but I already paid the other forty.” I was looking around, wondering where Pinkie had gotten to, and trying to decide how fast I could get in the car and drive off.

“Fifty dolla, cash.” Like death, he never moved a muscle, sav to reach an upturned palm to me. I took a step back, and was starting to wonder if I had stepped into one of those movies where the backwoods family tortures and kills tourists.

“Relax Harold. He’s with me.” I heard a slightly more feminine version if the deadpan voice from behind me, and turned to see a grey pony with a straight purple mane. Bouncing happily behind her was Pinkie Pie, grinning from ear to ear.

“Dafuk is going on Pinkie?” I crossed my arms, and glared at her.

“Louis! You’re never gonna guess who I met!” She draped herself across the other pony’s shoulders, smiling at me. The grey pony mare just looked up at me, face expressionless, and eyes barely showing a glimmer of interest. “It’s my sister, Maud!”

“Hi. My name is Maud. Are you the human that has been dating my sister?” A single eyebrow raised was the only indication of the question being asked. It was delivered in such a monotone that it made me almost want to fall asleep. Imagine Ben Stein, turned into a female pony. Yea... Something like that.

“We aren't dating. Pinkie just lives with me, as a roommate.” I shrugged. “We’re just friends.”

In response, she just continued to stare at me, expression blank, and eyebrow raised. It felt like she was scanning my soul and judging me for my sins. This continued for almost a full minute, making me squirm uncomfortably, before a small smug smile appeared on her face and she turned to look at Pinkie.

“I see what you mean.” She said to her pink sibling, getting a knowing smile and a nod in return.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I blurted.

“Ohhh nothing!” Pinkie sang annoyingly. I just glared at her, but she deflected it with an innocent smile.

Deciding I wasn't going to get anywhere with this line of inquiry, I changed the subject. “So, what brings you to Earth?”

“Rocks.” Again the deadpan response. I waited for more, but that serene stare was all I received.

“Wow. Rocks. That's utterly fascinating.” I did my best to mimic the dead voice, mocking her behavior.

“My sister is one of the top specialists in the field of geology, mining, and rock farming! She traveled all over Equestria to learn about different rocks and rock farming techniques.” Pinkie rambled on, filling the void in the conversation. She’s found some of the most rarest rocks in all the world! Oh! Did you bring Boulder with you? They wouldn't let me bring Gummy, especially now that he’s big enough to eat somepony.”

“No. They said Boulder was made of something called uranium. It’s dangerous here on earth and makes ponies sick. I always knew he was special, and have never found another rock like him. I miss Boulder.” And with that, the longest speech yet made me want to lay down and take a nap. It didn't help that her steady, unblinking stare was almost hypnotic in how it bored into you. I swear, it was like listening to a talking statue.

“Aww, that’s too bad. He was fun to play camouflage with. So who’s your new friend?” Pinkie bounced over to peer up at the older man, who I had totally forgotten was standing creepily close behind me. He also had not made the slightest sound, nor seemed to have moved an inch, other than to return his hand to his side.

“That’s Harold. He’s a corn farmer.” Maud’s voice drifted over my shoulder like a cold fog as she circled around me.

“Howdy.” A word and a nod was the only indication that the man was still alive. Like Maud, his penetrating stare made me feel utterly insignificant.

“We met when I was surveying the land for rock formations. We became friends, and I decided to stay with him for a while. We are very close now.” Maud turned to look up at me, and again that small smile returned. It served to only make her seem even more creepy. This pony would give the Addams Family a run for it’s money. Then again, if this was Morticia, that would most likely make Pinkie Uncle Fester.

“So have you two, y’know...” Pinkie waggled her eyebrows at her sister.

“Yes.” Deadpan as always, but I could almost see a bit of a blush on her cheeks.

“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really, really?”
“... Yes.” I looked up at the man in question, and noticed he was no longer looking at me, but was instead looking at the grey pony, the same small smile on his face.

“So, what was it like?” Pinkie blurted.

“Umm, Pinkie? Not really the time or place.” I cautioned. Not that I wanted to hear it any other time, and the last thing Pinkie needed was encouragement.

“It was... Different.” Ignoring me, Maud answered anyway.

“Oh, wow! So is he like, your special somepony now?” Pinkie started to bounce and grin, I just facepalmed. Harold just looked away, eyes rolled up towards the sky, the smile gone.

“No. It was just a fling.” The words made the pink mare stop bouncing, and the smile faded a bit as she listened to her sister. “We have come to agree we are just too different.”

I rolled my eyes at this. “You gotta be shitting me. You two seem like two pieces of a set to me. Hell, you even sound alike.”

Looking back up at me, the grey mare shook her head. “No. My first love will always be for rocks. He loved his land and his fields. We are too different. I was thinking of moving on soon.”

“You should totally come with us then! We are going on an epic adventure across the country to Walterland!” Pinkie was in full cheer mode again, and threw herself around her sister’s neck in a strangling hug. To her credit, the dark pony didn't even flinch, or show any other sign that she had a hyperactive cuddle parasite latched onto her.

“I’m not sure. There are so many places I haven't been yet.” Maud looked off to the horizon, her face once again a still mask.

“We are gonna cross the Grand Canyon, and then we are going over the Rocky Mountains!” Her pink sibling sang.

“Okay. I’ll go.” I swear I saw her tail lift up at the mention of mountains, and I’ve been around Pinkie long enough to learn that bit of body language. This pony either really liked rocks, or there was some subtext that I was totally missing.

“So, so I get a vote? It is my car after all.” I couldn't help but be a bit of an asshole, considering how I was being left out of the conversation.

“Oh please Louis! Can she please go? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?!” Pinkie begged, wringing her hooves together.

“Yea, sure. Whatever. Welcome aboard, Maud.” I held out my hand, and she shook it with her hoof. She even graced me with one of her Mona Lisa smiles.

“Ya stayin fer dinner then?” Once again, I jumped as Harold spoke up.

“W-what? Um, I dunno. We still got alot of miles to cover. We really should get going so we can make it to a hotel before nightfall.” I grumbled.

“Yer stayin fer dinner. Hunned miles an no hotel. Ya stay the night, leave tomarra.” With a nod, he turned to walk away, his tone brooked no argument. Watching him move was like seeing the sun set, slow and inevitable.

Turning to Pinkie, I just shrugged. “Looks like we’re staying for dinner.”


Dinner was nice, in the farm house located back from the road a bit. Turns out the lady that ran the store was Harold’s sister, Paula. The spread was good old fashioned home fare, like we used to get up on the mountain, and lots of it. The corn was the best I ever had.

“Sorry bout the little hassle with the gas, Louis. I thought you was one of them uppity city niggers from out east. They always come round startin trouble with their baggy pants and malt liquor.” She beamed at me kindly. The offhand way she dropped the N word left me baffled over whether or not to be offended.

“No ma'am. My Pa is a country boy from West Virginia. Good honest mountain folk. Granpappy was a coal miner.” I naturally slipped into my country accent that I used when visiting up home. It tended to save alot of trouble to talk country.

“Coal miner? My word, that is a hard workin’ profession. Sad how many die young trying to provide for their families.” The idle prattle just flowed over me, and it was like visiting my dad’s family all over again.

Harold just nodded along, his concentration on his food, while Pinkie prattled on in hushed tones, and Maud nodded along as well. Every so often I would see her glance at Harold or myself, but mostly she just looked at her food.

After dinner ended, and we were shown to a room by a smiling Paula, me and Pinkie finally got a moment alone. Despite my declaration that we were just friends, the room we were offered had a single bed, which Pinkie happily pounced on with a squeal.

“Pinkie, this sister of yours... What’s her story?” I started, sitting on the edge of the bed. Pinkie jumped up and draped herself over my shoulder and looked at me sideways.

“Whatcha mean, Louis? She’s my sister, and she’s awesome! She’s smart, funny, and a really hard worker. I know you will love her!” Nuzzling my cheek, the pink furball hopped back and slid under the sheets.

“Why is she so...” I grasped for the words.

“Not like me?” Pinkie finished in a quiet voice. I looked over to see her looking away from me. “I told you, I’m different. My family are all quiet and serious, but I’m happy and cheerful. Well, most of the time. It’s why I had to leave and move to Ponyville.” She shrugged and turned back, a small smile creeping back onto her face.

“Don't worry, you will like her. I can tell she already likes you.” Smiling brightly again, she patted the bed beside her. “C’mon Louis, lets get some sleep so we can get back on the road bright and early!”

Sighing, I slid into bed beside her. I reached and turned off the light, and was immediately gripped in a furry death grip as Pinkie rolled over to cuddle. “Not so tight!” I gasped.

“Oops, sorry!” she muttered, and nuzzled my chest.

I just sighed again and resigned myself to my fate. “Goodnight Pinkie.”


Breakfast was hearty and plentiful, and we were back on the road after a tearful departure. Well Pinkie cried, for some reason. Maud and Harold just nodded to each other, then turned away, stoic as always. Pinkie did her usual non stop chatter from the back seat, while Maud sat up front giving single-syllable replies. I only had the one pony-seat, but she seemed to be fine with using a human seat belt arrangement. At least, she never complained.

A short trip through Boulder, Colorado turned out to be a disappointment for both Pinkie and Maud. I tried to explain to them that the name of the town had nothing to do with actual rocks, but I was outvoted, and we visited anyway. Now we were sitting on the rim of one of America’s greatest sights, the Grand Canyon. Pinkie was dancing precariously along the sheer drop, while singing something about “Deep Wide Wonder”, while Maud just gaped in awe. I seriously think this is the closest I have ever seen the grey pony to showing emotion.

“Well folks, this is it! One of nature’s most amazing creations, stretching across the country in all it’s glory.” I grinned and looked around, taking a deep breath of the cool mountain air.

“It’s beautiful.” The monotone reply of the grey pony was almost tinged with wonder. Almost.

“You bet it is, Maud! It’s like Ghastly Gorge was all painted up with all the colors of a sunset, and then baked like the yummiest cake in all of Equestria!” Pinkie, poetic as always, chimes in. I can only nod in agreement with... whatever it was she said.

Nearby a small building is starting to gather a crowd, and I notice there is a man leading a small train of animals. He appears to be a Native American, and the mules he is leading just look tired. I wonder how my pony friends will react to what amounts to slavery of a sort, despite the creatures being non sapient. I don’t have to wonder for long.

*GAAAAASSSP!* “Ohmygosh!” Pinkie takes a massive inhale of air, before rocketing towards the domesticated quadrupeds. A few startle and take a step back at the sudden appearance of a yammering pink creature in their midst, but most just look on boredly.

“Hello guys, oh, and girl! My name is Pinkie Pie! Are you all mules? I like mules. Some of my best friends are mules. Do you live here? Is there anywhere good for parties around here? What do you all do around here? Why do you wear these funny saddles and stuff?” The rapid fire questions were met with amused looks from the other tourists, and bored indifference from most of the animals. I think one of them just pooped in front of her.

“Uhh, Pinkie? These are not Equestrian ponies, they can’t talk. I’m pretty sure most of them can't even think.” I put a hand on her back to calm her bouncing, and she looked up at me with a sad face.

“Speak for yourself, buddy.” From the middle of the herd came a gruff voice, as one of the mules stepped forward. He looked different than the others, not just in color, but in shape. He was closer to Pinkie by the looks of it, and I realized that I was looking at an Equestrian mule, or maybe a donkey.

“Wow, sorry there. Didn't expect to meet an Equestrian here, of all places.” I did a double take, as I realized that he was wearing the same saddle and tack as the other mules, and I started to feel a bit of anger that a thinking creature would be treated so. “What the hell did you do to end up here working like some slave animal?”

Shrugging, the creature rolled his eyes. “Eh, it’s a living.” Walking over to a nearby cooler, he pops the lid and grabs a beer, before sitting down on his rump. The other mules ignore him, while the tourists start to snap photos. “Name’s Buck. Owner pays me a good wage to be the novelty ride for rich folks. Ride a real Equestrian. It’s all legal, and he treats me well.” With a flick of his head, he chugged the beer like a frat boy, and the crowd cheers.

“Well damn. Sounds like you got a good gig here then. What made you come out here in the first place?” I smile as he passes me a beer of my own. Pinkie reaches out for one, but I bat her hoof away. The last thing I need is a drunk pony along a cliff edge.

“Rocks. I’m a geologist, and I wanted to study the earth rocks. No grant though, so I have to make ends meet. It is a pretty sweet gig.” I see his eyes widen as he looks over my shoulder. I turn to see Maud coming up behind me, a strange look in her eye.

“I like rocks too.” She stops beside me, and given that little smile of hers.

“I think I musta fallen off the trail, because there is an angel come to take me to heaven.” Buck whispered to himself as he stared in wide eyed wonder at the grey pony.

“Heya Buck! This is my sister, Maud. She like’s rocks too! Oh, duh, she already said that!” With a giggle, Pinkie grabs the stunned mule in a one armed hug.

“So, how much do you get for a ride, anyway?” I try to change the subject, which was getting rather uncomfortable as the two equines stare at one another.

“For you? Free, if this darling filly walks next to me.” He grins with a sappy look, causing Maud to actually blush.

“Okay.” Maud just steps closer, swishing her tail.

“Yo, Johnny! We got some customers!” Buck yells to the native, who is busy with the other tourists. He waves back in response, as he gives what appears to be a lesson in mounting the other mules.

Soon enough, we are all ready to go, when there is a commotion in the small crowd of people waiting to leave. The shrill cry of a child can be heard across the canyon as a little girl throws herself to the ground in a fit.

“No! I wanna ride the pink one! I don't wanna ride a smelly brown one! No, no, no, no!” I see the beleaguered parent, trying her best to calm the spoiled child, and strongly consider lending her my belt to handle the situation. Obviously this little hellspawn hasn't had her ass busted enough, to be putting on such a display in public.

“Honey, that’s not a mule. We can’t just ride ponies unless they let us. She’s probably a nice pony, and you are being a very bad little girl.” Looking our way nervously, the woman seemed on the edge of panic. “We really don't want her to sue us for harassment, either.

“I don't care! I am a princess, and a princess rides a pretty pink pony!” Flopping to the ground again, the child crossed her arms and glared death at her mother.

I see pink out of the corner of my eye, and turn to see Pinkie in a spotless saddle, and matching bridle. It’s the outfit from Halloween, and I have no idea where she had hidden it amongst our gear.

“Dafuck, Pinkie? Why are you wearing that?” I gasp, wondering if we will get arrested for indecency. Part of my brain knows that most people will never realize that what she is wearing is essential bondage gear, but the rest of me is mortified that I know.

“I like kids! Even spoiled rotten ones.” She shrugs and looks up at me, grinning. “Besides, this could be fun!”

“It’s your flank she’s gonna be kicking down the canyon.” I shrug back, walking over to finish my beer with Buck. The squeal of delight was just as loud as the earlier screams as the little brat got her wish. The mother looked relieved, and the rest of the party prepared to depart.

“You see, that’s why I am glad I can't have kids. Vicious little parasites, every last one of them.” Buck grumbled to me, before tossing his bottle in a bin. At this, Maud stepped closer, flicking her tail across his back, and getting a sappy grin from the mule.


The trip down the canyon was rather relaxing. Buck volunteered to be my ride, and this made things far smoother than any normal mount. I vaguely remember my parents complaining of sore behinds after the trip, but mine was like riding in an easy chair, with not a single bump. I was just happy that he was able to support me, although he was much bigger than Pinkie or Maud, he was still a bit small for a horse. With some coaching, I quickly learned to keep my legs tucked and prevent the inevitable dragging feet that I had expected.

The entire trip was also a learning experience, as Buck kept up a constant litany of information about every rock formation and plant encountered. I felt like I was riding along with an International Photographic special, and found myself interested in the story being told. I was never much for geology, but Buck made things interesting.

Maud apparently agreed with me, and stuck to us like a lost child. She seemed to hang on his every word, and took every opportunity to bump flanks with him as we made our way to the canyon floor. I’m sure I was not the only one to notice the raised tail and flushed cheeks, as Pinkie kept grinning at them with a strange look on her face.

After a quick lunch at the bottom, we made our way back up. The trip was pretty uneventful, as we were all getting rather tired as the day waned. The journey finally ended with us back at the start, and Pinkie being fifty bucks richer after she threatened to buck the brat she was carrying down the cliff. The little parasite caught on to her precarious existence, and was smart enough to straighten up. Her parents were extremely grateful for the change in their hellspawn’s attitude, and compensated the pink pony appropriately.

I’m pretty sure that Pinkie was only bluffing, but even Pinkie had her limits, it seems.

The departure was awkward, as Maud and Buck hugged. Buck was all smiles, while the grey mare seemed to glow with happiness. Well, I think I saw a smile. Maybe it was a trick of the light. We soon loaded back into the car, and onto the road to our next destination. For once, Pinkie was silent, and Maud seemed to be lost in her own world as she looked out on the passing landscape. A smile graced my own face as I drove along to our next stop. For one small moment, all was peace and harmony, and we were all enjoying the company of our own thoughts. Of course it could not last.

“Louis?” Pinkie whined from her set behind me.

“Yes, Pinkie?” I smiled and looked back at her in the mirror. I was in a rare happy mood, and was feeling more than a little indulgent.

“Um, can we stop again? I really gotta pee!” I facepalmed, looking over at Maud. In response, she just shrugged. Sighing, I started to look for the nearest rest stop. I didn't think we would make it to Vegas before nightfall anyway.


The morning dawned on a beautiful day in the desert. After a night crashed out in a cheap motel, we made our way into the center of sin, and all it’s glory. Sadly, even years of watching CSI did not prepare me for absolutely boring and ordinary Las Vegas looked in the daytime. most of the residents were hard at work, and the visitors were no doubt sleeping off the previous night’s debauchery. We convened at the local ‘Der Waffle Haus’, and proceeded to add another food establishment that Pinkie is barred from to the list when she not only broke the record for the waffle eating challenge, but also claimed the title of ‘Most syrup used’. Maud and I tipped well, but were still asked to never return.

“But I really like waffles! I can’t help it they ran out. It’s not like we didn't pay for everything!” Pinkie whined as we made our way back to the car.

“I don’t care, Pinkie. If you keep getting us kicked out for being a walking garbage disposal, then we are gonna run out of places to eat. Thank goodness we are only staying for one day.” I sighed, looking over at Maud, who just shrugged and sipped on her drink.

We checked into the hotel, right on the casino strip, and raided the local brochure stand for things to do. I vaguely remember my parents taking me to see a horse ranch, but decided that might be in poor taste with my current company.

“Oooh! I wanna go skydiving! I haven't done that in years!” Pinkie squealed, jumping up and down.

“Falling off a cliff doesn't count.” Maud broke in, in her usual monotone.

“Well there was the time I fell off of Cloudsdale, but the pegasuses caught me. How was I supposed to know the floor was still soft?” Rolling her eyes Pinkie presented her usual logic.

“The sign that said ‘Danger: Pegasi Only’ may have been a clue.” I had to chuckle at the dry delivery. Somehow the grey mare managed to redefine ‘Deadpan’.

“Well anyway, can we go, Louis? It says here we don't even have to jump out of a plane!” I took the pamphlet from her, and scanned through it. It advertized all the thrills of a skydive without the dangers. A massive air tunnel let you fly like a stuntman. The similarities to the tunnel in the chocolate factory made me shudder.

“Sure, why not. What about you, Maud?” She just looked at me, and slowly blinked.

“I don’t fly.”

“Aww c’mon sis! It’ll be fun!” Pinkie hugged her darker sister and beamed her best smile.

“I don’t fly.” Maud repeated in the exact same voice.

“That’s fine then, you can watch.” I shrugged. I was sure that somehow I would regret this, but it sounded like fun.

After shelling out the cost of the gear rental and the hang time, we took a short training course. Pinkie aced it easily, since she was used to doing all sort of crazy stuff in the air anyway with her pegasus friends. Myself, I took a little longer to get the hang of it, but was quickly passed for my ‘jump’.

It was amazing! I coasted along like a bird, hovering just off the ground as the massive turbine kept me aloft. Pinkie enjoyed herself by showing off, as she pony-paddled her way around the room as if she was in water. After a few minutes, we soon got the signal that our time was about up, and I reluctantly prepared to land. Just as me and Pinkie were making one last barrel roll, we saw Maud enter the chamber.

Pinkie cheered as she stepped onto the platform... and nothing happened. Maud’s hair flew upwards, and yet her body remained stuck to the cage floor as if by glue. We both quickly landed next to her, and she turned around next to me, still grounded despite the massive airflow forcing it’s way upwards. Both me and Pinkie shook our heads, and we exited the chamber, Maud close behind us.

“I don’t get it? How the hell did you stay on the ground?” Once clear of the noisy chamber, I asked the ever stoic Maud.

“I told you, I don’t fly.” Looking up, she just blinked passively at me.

“Um. Okay, I guess not.” I chuckled, and looked at Pinkie. She just shrugged, looking as confused as I.

Suddenly the instructor came jogging up to us, and whooped. “Wow, I don't believe it! Nobody has ever gotten in there without at least getting knocked on their ass. Here you go, missy. A full refund, and a free pass the next time your friend’s wanna go in.”

Maud smirked, handing the money and passes to me. I just looked down at them, and back at Pinkie.

“Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?” My face split in a monster grin.

“I think so Louis, but how are we gonna get the polar bear to agree to hold the wedding?” Pinkie blinked innocently at me.

“Wat?” I blinked back, my smile fading in confusion.

“I’m just messin with ya, Louis! Let’s go again!” With a cheer, we both hugged Maud, and headed back into the chamber.


Later that evening found the three of us back on the strip, finally seeing the sleepy town of Vegas unfold in all of it’s nocturnal glory. The lights, the magic, and more importantly, the casinos! Oh yes, the thrill of gambling was worth the agony of losing. That one win was enough to make you feel truly alive.

“So, where is Maud going?” I pondered.

“She says she doesn't like games of chance. She is going to find a more skill based game.” Pinkie responded. “I like chance though! And all the lights and bells and fun! It’s like a big old party game that never ends!”

“Ahh yes, but even better than any party game is, you can win some serious cash here.” I kneeled down and put my arm around my friend. “So what do you wanna try first? Slots? Roulette? Maybe some blackjack?”

“I don't think Blackjack is in this story. Oh, but maybe we can find LilPip! And then we can be all like PEW PEW! and shoot the radroaches!” Bouncing, Pinkie looked around excitedly.

“No Pinkie, I told you that was just a game. The real Vegas is not a wasteland, although most of the area around it is.” Rolling my eyes, I lead her along the rows of machines. “So, wanna try the old one armed bandit?”

“Is that anything like the one eyed bandit? If so, I think I’m gonna need a drink and some protection first.” Grinning at me, she winked to let me know she was joking this time.

“Dammit Pinkie, just pick a machine.” I sighed, flipping a coin in the air.

“Aww you’re no fun. Okay, ummm...” Sticking her tongue out cutely, she looked along the banks of machines. “That one!” bouncing over, she tapped a random machine with a hoof.

“Alright, here goes!” I dropped a coin into the slot, and pulled the lever. Round and round went the tumblers, and finally, they stopped on a totally random combination. “Aww, nothing this time.”

“So it again, do it again!” She bounced and grinned at me.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and repeated the procedure. The lights flashed, the tumblers tumbled, and then finally stopped. “Holy shit! Jackpot!”

As I yelled, the bells went off and the machine emptied it’s load into my lap. I hugged my little pony, and we happily collected the spoils. I was about to try again, when a hoof on my arm stopped me.

“Nuh-uh, not that one. It’s not gonna win for a long time, but that one over there is three away from winning!” Pinkie pointed to another machine down the row.

“What? Hell the hell do you know?” I raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.

“My Pinkie Sense! Itchy frog, tingling dock, and floppy ear means that treasure is that way, and soon!” Looking at me with her usual smile, I was wondering if she was messing with me again. I never once had a reason to believe in any of her Pinkie Sense bullshit, although it seemed to be happening more often of late.

“Sure, why not? We got at least fifty bucks here!” I made my way down to the indicated machine, and dropped a coin in. I pulled, it spun, and nothing happened. Rinse and repeat twice, and the bells went off. “Holy shitballs! Do you know what this means?”

“Uhh, that my Pinkie Sense was right?” She looked so cute when she played dumb.

“We are gonna clean up. With my good looks and your Pinkie shit, we can make enough money to travel the rest of the way in style!” I grinned, and her confused look slowly melted into a mischievous grin.

“That sounds like fun!” Suddenly her look turned serious. “But no! I vowed to never use my Pinkie sense for evil. I can't do it.” She crossed her arms and shook her head at me.

“Oh, c’mon Pinkie! When is the next time we are gonna have a chance to score big this time, and totally legit. These people take millions of dollars every day from hard working folks like us. It’s time we got a little payback!”

“No, it’s wrong, and I don't like it!” Still crossing her arms, she looked away from me.

“Okay, how about we take some of the money and donate it to the local children’s hospital?” I could see her starting to break, she slowly looked over her shoulder at me.

“Think of the children!”

“Okay, but I get to throw them a party too!” She turned and gave me a stern look.

“Deal!” I stuck out my hand, but she just lept into my arms and gave me a hug.

Half an hour later we were at the roulette tables. Pinkie was wearing a dealer’s visor, and a pair of blackout shades. I have no clue where she got them, but I had learned not to ask. A quick couple of slot games earned us some seed money, and now we moved on to larger game.

“Black.” She intoned next to me.

“You sure?” I looked at her. She didn't even look at me, just staring at the wheel though her shades. She nodded, and I bet it on black.

And won.

The night went on, with her giving me signals where to bet. A few times she bet herself, while I watched. Usually we bet on a color, but a few rares times she told me to bet on a number, and the money rolled in.

After a few hours, she seemed to get more nervous, until she tugged my arm leading me away. When I asked what was wrong, she just shook her head.

“Not now. Something bad, let’s go.” She hissed at me.

“Oh come on, Pinks! We are on a roll.” I laughed, a few drinks in me and feeling on top of the world. We had raked in several hundred thousand dollars, and I was feeling ballsy.

“Oh no, it’s too late!” She cried. I looked around and didn't see anything. We started to make our way toward the teller to cash out, but then I saw them. Several men in suits were waiting nearby, looking professionally pissed.

“Sir, you and the pony need to come with us.” A very muscular one said. He looked like a white Gerald Tyson, and had hands that looked like he wore skin-tone boxing gloves.

“Dafuq? Who the hell are you? I just want my money, then we will leave.” I tried to bluff my way out. Most places played tough, but couldn't afford bad press.

“I’m afraid not, sir. You and the pony will follow us now.” It was clear this was not going to be a request.

“Well fuck.” I sighed, and followed him.

We made it to a small room that looked like it was straight out of a police interrogation. The door was locked, and we were offered seats across from a guy that resembled Agent Smith. it wasn't until I heard the door click that my ‘Ohshit” sense kicked in, and I realized that nobody knew where we were.

“So, Mister Morgan. We would like to know how you did it.” The slow, lethargic drawl from the Agent Smith wannabe only reinforced the image.

“I ain't sayin shit. If I broke a law, then call the fuckin cops.” I sounded alot more hardcore than I felt, but it didn't even phase him. “And how the fuck do you know my name?”

“Oh, we know quite a bit about you, and your little pony friend.” Pulling out a small file, he scanned over a few sheets of printouts. I looked over to Pinkie, who was shaking like a leaf.

“Look, we didn't take anything, we didn't even cash in our chips. Just let us go, and we will call it even.” I was quickly running out of bravado. I just didn't want them to take my mouth away. What? That was some scary shit!

“I’m afraid not. We need to know what new trick you two have devised to cheat a seemingly random, foolproof system. You can’t count cards at a roulette table. How was it done? Manipulate the timing? Do we have someone in your employ betraying us?’ he leaned forward and laced his fingers. “I assure you, the gaming commission does not take lightly to cheating in this town. The taxes and revenue pay the salaries of every public official, from the police to the mayor.”

“I DID IT!” Pinkie finally broke down, crying. “I DIDN'T WANT TO! I swore I was never gonna use my Pinkie Sense for bad, but we were gonna give the money to the children’s hospital , so it was really for good, and I am so sorry. I don’t wanna go to jail, I’m too cute to survive on the inside!” She grabbed my collar and stuck her muzzle in my face in a panic. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO CUTE PONIES IN PRISON! I’ve seen the movies!”

Both of us were just staring over mouthed at Pinkie’s outburst. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. The agent didn't look too sure either. Pony prison rape movies? What kind of sick bastard would even write, let alone make something like that?

Suddenly the agent leaned back, putting a hand to his earbud to listen to something. “What? Are you sure?” He started to look very confused. “But we have them on surveillance! They were going to walk out with almost half mil!” He seemed to be getting pissed, and I was getting curious who he was talking to, as I tried to calm Pinkie down.

Finally he sighed, and looked back at us, his face once again an impassive mask of professionalism. “It appears you have friends in high places. You are being allowed to leave, and no charged are being pressed.” I just hugged Pinkie as she grabbed me in relief.

We were escorted out of the room, and to the front door. Just as we were leaving, there was a small group of suited men walking toward us, and in the middle was Maud, also wearing a black business suit, pinstriped, with a white rose in her lapel. She looked every bit a pony gangster boss.

“So. You two had some fun. It’s a good thing I own the Casino now.” She delivered the bombshell in her normal monotone voice, leaving me and Pinkie to sputter.

“B-but, what, who, how?” I blurted, glancing at the very serious looking men behind her.

“I won it from Ronald Chump, the owner. High stakes poker. It seems I have a very good poker face.” Her little Mona Lisa smile was back, before she turned and shook hands with a very famous man behind her. I finally recognized him as Ronald Chump, the billionaire. World famous for his money, bad hair, and television series, ‘The Intern’.

“You played a good game, Maud. I look forward to a rematch next year, so maybe I can win it back.” He gave a winning smile, and shook hands.

“I’ll be there.” With a nod, she rejoined us, and we walked back to the hotel in stunned silence.

I was so done with Vegas at this point, and we didn't even get to keep the money!


It was only a few more hours down route 15 to L.A. and the end of our journey, which passed mostly in blessed silence. I’m pretty sure Pinkie was nursing a hangover as bad as mine after we celebrated not going to jail, and mourned the loss of the money we had earned. Maud refused to let us keep it, or to go near the casino, but was kind enough to give us an open bar tab. Apparently letting a pony and a redneck near an open bar was still cheaper than letting Pinkie gamble. It was still a fun night, although I had to kick Pinkie out of my bed twice when she tried to crawl in with me.

I still wound up using her as a pillow anyway. Pinkie is best pillow. There, I said it.

So as the afternoon sun blinded the hell outta me over Los Angeles, because fuck mornings, we marveled at the object of our quest. “Well girls, Welcome to Los Angeles! Home of Hollywood, Smog, Gangland Crime, and best of all, Walterland!”

“Van Nuys? Where do I know that from?” From the back seat, Pinkie was looking at a map of our destination. I just shrugged.

“Maybe something from the internet, or a movie?” I guessed.

“I dunno, I get the feeling I really should know that area.” Somehow she managed to refold the map with a flick of her hoof, and then shrugged. “Whatever, I can’t wait to get to the park! I wanna ride all the rides, and see the little kids, and get my picture taken with Scottie!”

“Well, since we are getting in so late, I thought we would check into the hotel, and do a little sightseeing, then get to the park first thing in the morning.” I squinted into the glare and pondered if we would even get to do that. We were rapidly approaching the other thing that L.A. was famous for, the traffic jams.

“Awww, but I really wanted to go!” Whining from my passenger set my teeth on edge.

“We are going to be lucky to even make it to the hotel by sundown, judging by the traffic ahead of us, and the destination of the hotel relevant to our current location.” Maud gave her usual dry assessment of the situation. This seemed to settle Pinkie into a cute pout, and let me drive in peace.

Because fuck traffic.

Sure enough, the sun was just touching the horizon before we reached the hotel, which was now being paid for thanks to Maud’s new found wealth. We even managed to score a penthouse suite. Fuck yea, luxury! Needless to say, I think her geological studies would be well funded from here on out.

The night went mostly smooth, we hit a few bars. I was fine until Pinkie dragged me to a club where a friend of hers was performing. DJ Pon-3 laid down some pretty serious beats, mixing some modern and classic club music, while putting on a good show. It wasn't until I was there for half an hour before I realized my mistake. As I went to the bar for a drink, and got my dozenth strange look for the evening, I turned and looked over the crowd to see a whole lotta hair and boobs. In fact, I didn't see a single other guy in the place. There were a few pony mares, but not a single stallion either.

Suddenly my brain engaged, and I froze, looking at the name of the club on the coaster. ‘Miss Kittylick’s Nightclub’ adorned the little piece of cardboard, with a stylized cat in a martini glass. I facepalmed and started looking for Maud and Pinkie. Needless to say, it didn't take me long to find the pink party pony.

“Pinkie, can we talk a moment?” I nudged nudge her flank, trying to keep my face calm. She was of course surrounded by a gaggle of new friends, who were fawning over their lost girlhood dreams of owning a pony.

“Hey Louis! Meet all my new friends!” I could see most of them glaring at me with suspicion, although a few faces held curiosity. Even Maud seemed to have made friends with two goth chicks, who were busy stroking her hair. This strangely seemed to have no effect on the stoic pony, as she casually sipped her drink.

“I really need to talk to you for a moment, mmkay?” I tried to put my best winning smile on, despite my growing discomfort. The energizing beats from the nearby stage were now serving to bring on a stress induced headache, and my nerve was wearing thin.

“Okie dokie Louie!” Pinkie shrugged, and bounced after me. We managed to find a relatively empty corner, somehow, and she looked up at me expectantly.

“So, Pinkie. Who told you about this bar?” I asked, keeping my tone neutral.

“Oh, Dashie did! She said that if we ever got to Cali, I should bring you here, and that she had lots of friends here. Plus, with my friend Vinyl playing tonight, we can really party!” Bouncing in place, she happily grinned.

“Um, Pinkie, I think we have been pranked.” I sighed and facepalmed. “Have you noticed that there are no guys here?”

“Well yea, I thought it was ladies night! that’s why they have been giving me drinks at half price.” I noticed that she was leaning a little as she tried to look me in the face, and that her ever present smile was a bit lopsided.

“Pinkie, every night is ladies night here. We are in a gay bar. Specifically, a lesbian bar.”

“Ooooh. That explains all the pink pony jokes I have been hearing. I was wondering why most of them weren’t funny.” Her face screwed up into a cute frown. “I’m gonna have to prank Dashie back when we see her!” and the smile was back.

“So can we get outta here? All the estrogen is making my balls shrink.” I rolled my eyes. Normally hanging with the LBGT crowd didn't bother me, but some of the looks I was getting were downright hostile. It was time to take my pony and ride out of here.

You know what I mean, pervert.

A few minutes and many broken hearts later, we were outside the club, the thump of the music still making my chest vibrate. Maud now had a list of numbers, and Pinkie was holding half a dozen photos of her and her new friends. I had she sudden urge to watch wrestling, drink whiskey and listen to country music, and I hated country.

“Next time, lets not take any suggestions from Rainbow Dash.” I sighed.

“It wasn't so bad. I even got my mane braided.” Maud, eloquent as always, chimed in. I looked back to see her hair in an elaborate french braid. It looked kinda cute on her.

“Yes, well. If I ever want to become a gay rastafarian, I know where to go. Until then, lets call this a loss and get to bed.” I just sighed at the blank stares this got. “Let’s just go back to the hotel.”


The next morning dawned fresh and bright. I have never been a morning person, but seeing as we were three hours behind my normal time zone, it wasn't so bad. It was like getting to sleep in, and still make it on time. Me and Pinkie had shared a room, although she was a bit disappointed at the separate beds. It didn't stop her from using it as a trampoline while I got ready. I gotta admit, one of the best parts of traveling is getting to totally trash the room, and leaving it to someone else to clean up. It’s like being a kid living at home all over again. Sure, we left a tip, but we didn't have to make our beds, or pick up our mess. It was awesome!

Also, a nice hot shower with unlimited water does wonders to revitalize the soul. For once, I took longer than Pinkie, who usually has to add twenty minutes of blow drying her hair and fur for her grooming rituals. Hey, we were paying well for these rooms, so I was getting my money’s worth.

So, an hour later, we were ready to face the day. I had on my grungy “no fucks” look that I used to wear in high school. It was comfortable, and that's all that mattered. Old faded green shirt, and ragged khakis ending in Converse sneakers. I’d fit in with the local skaters easily. Pinkie being Pinkie, just wore a collar with a heart shaped dog tag she had picked up somewhere. It looked extremely cute on her, in a creepy BDSM kinda way. Otherwise, she was bare, save for her ever present saddle bags. And out the door we went.

In the hall, Maud was waiting for us, dressed in a new outfit I hadn't seen before. An orange turtleneck sweater with a red skirt that just covered her cutie mark and ass took the place of her normal blue one piece dress. What was the most startling was the thick-rimmed glasses perched on her muzzle.

“Whoah, Maud! I didn't know you wore glasses.” I blinked in surprise.

“My contacts are still dirty from last night. It takes a while to clean the large lenses.” Her typical monotone voice droned. “I keep the glasses for emergencies.”

“Yea, I remember mom and dad always complaining about how much your glasses cost, especially when I accidently broke them.” Looking rather sheepish, Pinkie pawed at the carpet.

“With eyes as large as ours, contacts are far more expensive.” Maud replied with a wry smile.

“Well then, if I ever am a pony, and need glasses, I’ll be sure to give a fuck.” I grinned dickishly. I was ready to get to the fun. “So if we are all ready, let’s get the show on the road!” With a cheer from Pinkie, and the usual silence from her sister, we were off to find adventure!


“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I screamed in frustration. The sign on the gate read: ‘Closed for Maintenance’. It was like some horrible movie cliché All the hype and bullshit, only to be denied our goal.

“Wait, wait! I saw this in that movie. All we have to do is find the security guard, use your gun, and force him to let us ride all the rides! Then the owner of the park will come and forgive us and give us passes to ride all we want!” Grinning at her amazing plan, Pinkie waited for our response.

“What?” Both me and Maud managed to say at the same time, in the same flat tone of disbelief.

Oh come on! It worked in the movie!” She pleaded.

“Okay, I’m going to explain why that is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.” I took a breath and tried to remain calm. “First, it was a movie. Shit that happens in happy movie land does not work in real life. Second, if we tried such a plan, and we will not, it could get us arrested, and or killed. It’s assault with a deadly weapon, breaking and entering, kidnapping, and I’m sure they would think of some other charges that let them shoot us.” Pausing a moment to let my rant sink in, I held the bridge of my nose and counted to ten. Just as Pinkie was about to open her mouth to reply, I held up three fingers. “Third, and finally, I do not, not have I ever owned a gun. None of us have a gun, and none of us are going to get a gun since we are from out of state.”

“I have a gun.” Maud stopped my train of thought in mid rant, derailing my chain of logic in an epic catastrophe of mental rail cars that left miles of rail destroyed, and thousands of neurons stranded in the wilderness of my mind. It was all I could do to turn and stare at her.

“Wat?” I elegantly replied.

“I have a gun.” She shrugged, seemingly indifferent to my shock.

“Why would you have a gun, Maud?” Pinkie asked the question that was struggling to form in my mind.

“There’s alot of Klan activity in the midwest, and I heard they don’t like ponies. I wanted to be prepared.” Again the indifferent shrug.

“No. NO!” I shouted, as I saw the look on Pinkie’s face turn to one of smug happiness. “I already told you why.

“Aww, I wanted to go on the spinning D-cups.” Pawing at the ground, the pink mare whined in disappointment.

“I’m pretty sure that’s part of the Baywatch Experience, at Universal Studios, not Walterworld.” I grumbled. “I’d love to see some D-cups myself.”

“Don’t worry, I have this.” Maud responded, as she pulled a cellphone from... wherever it is ponies seem to pull things. I sure as hell don’t see any pockets on her outfit.

“Hey, it’s Maud. Yea. Uh-huh. Yea, I got them. They were sexy.” Both me and Pinkie looked at each other in confusion, as a very atypical conversation took place. Atypical for Maud, that is. “I need a favor. Yea, we made it, but it’s closed. That would be nice. Tell him I said thanks. Yeah, see you next year.”

The conversation ended, and she just stared back at us for a moment. “That was Ronald. He says he will call and have the park opened for us.”

Me and Pinkie waited for more, but she just kept staring impassively back at us, with only the occasional blink to indicate she was alive.

“Sooo? Now what?” I asked.

“What was sexy?” Pinkie pondered. Of course she would ask the wrong question.

“Now we wait.” Choosing to ignore her sibling’s query, Maud continued to stare at us as the curiosity ate away at our souls.

No more than fifteen minutes later, we heard the sound of a small engine coming towards us, and soon we were greeted by a pair of what I assume were park employees. A man wearing a white polo and blue slacks was accompanied by a redhead wearing a purple business outfit with pink nylons. Both wore colored scarves, and unamused expressions.

“Well when old Walt said we would be meeting folks, he didn't say there would be ponies. My name is Joe Frederiks, head of park security, and this is Anne Blake, operations manager for the park. I was enjoying a nice day off on the green, when we were called in to let some VIP’s tour the park.” Both of them shook our hands/hooves, and smiled tolerantly. They must have thought we were serious bigwigs to afford such treatment.

“I assume you have been informed of the reasons for the park’s closure? Are you here to investigate?” Anne asked me, apparently assuming I was the one in charge. I put on my best bullshit serious face and ran with it, hoping Pinkie knew enough to keep her mouth shut.

“We haven't been entirely briefed, so please do enlighten us. My name is Louis Morgan, and these are my associates, Pinkie and Maud Pie.” I paused, crossing my fingers that the ponies kept silent. Well, I knew Maud would stay silent, but Pinkie staying silent was like hoping the tide would stay out.

“That’s right! We are the Pie Sisters, investigator’s extraordinaire! Louis here is our human liaison, and research assistant. So what seems to be the problem?” Somehow, Pinkie had managed to produce a deerslayer cap and bubble pipe, which she was puffing on. Maud cocked an eyebrow at her, and I just rolled my eyes.

“Wonderful, that means you will be going in blind.” Joe sighed, “I guess they needed some fresh eyes on the investigation though, since my team sure as hell hasn't turned up anything.”


One long, boring explanation later...

Let’s face it, this chapter is already too long.


“So let me get this straight. Someone has been sabotaging the park, and you haven't been able to catch him? Not even on camera?” I asked in disbelief. “So are the rides dangerous?”

“No, not at all. It’s just annoying things, like sound systems sabotaged, so instead of happy family-safe music, we get porn soundtracks. The looks on the patron’s faces when they start hearing the moans was horrifying. It’s all we could do to keep them from suing.” Ann sighed, holding the bridge of her nose.

“And the cameras never show anything out of the ordinary. Whoever is doing this knows the security systems well.” Joe added.

“See Louis! I told you they had spinning D-Cups!” Pinkie grinned, bouncing next to me.

“Not funny, Pinkie.” I was lying of course, it was funny as hell. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the pair.

“So, we are here to ride the rides, and observe what happens. If you would be so kind as to let us in, we can help you find the cause.” I was still lying through my teeth if course. I didn't give two fucks about some creepy porn music, I just wanted to enjoy the park. As a bonus, we were getting in free, and with no lines! How awesome is that?

“Right this way.” The two led us into the park, and all it’s wonders. Joe gave some orders on his radio, and we got to see the park come to life, as the various attractions came to life.

“Wowie! This is like the birth of a new robot civilization, and not creepy in a haunted carnival kinda way at all!” Pinkie bounced ahead, and Maud just gave me a look. I rolled my eyes, unsure what else to do. Sometimes you just can't be sure if Pinkie is serious.

So as the day went on, we started to see more and more oddities. The Spinning Tea Cup ride has indeed been repainted to look like lacy bra cups, It’s a Small World was treated to some rather disturbing lyric changes, all the dolls were wearing bondage masks, Pirates of the Caribbean had the word “BUTT” painted in, and all the animatronics were now dressed in flamboyant drag-- it wasn’t that much different from the normal pirate garb. Needless to say, it was funny as hell.

And then there was the theatre. Captain Io had been replaced by the most disturbing thing I had ever experienced.

“I didn't even know they made 3D porn. I mean really, there are only so many body parts you can thrust at the audience.” I shuddered in disgust. “I feel violated.”

“Aww, it wasn't so bad. It was actually kinda educational. I’m gonna have to remember that pizza trick.” Pinkie grinned at me, and both Maud and I rolled our eyes. The other two seemed even more traumatized than me.

“Pinkie, if I ever come home and find you fucking the pizza guy, I will kick your ass.” I grumbled.

“It doesn't have to be a pizza guy.” She grinned even wider. I saw Maud make a silent gagging motion with her hoof out of the corner of my eye.

“Well then, that’s different. As long as she’s cute, and not under aged.” I grinned back at her.

Suddenly she stopped, going completely rigid, and then lifting one leg while pointing like a hunting dog. “That way! My Pinkie Sense is picking up somepony trying to do something naughty!”

“Your what?” Both Joe and Anne said at once.

“Trust me, it’s weird, but it works. Just try to keep up!” And like a flash, Pinkie was off. The rest of us ran like hell to keep up, except Maud, who seemed to lag behind, walking in her usual sedate pace. We quickly lost her around a corner, and were too busy trying to keep up with the pink bouncing blue in front of us.

“How the hell does she move so fast while bouncing like that? It’s like chasing a bloody kangaroo!” Joe panted as he did his best to keep up.

“Dunno. Always hyper. Too much sugar.” I gasped as I ran as fast as I could.

Finally, the pink dynamo stopped in front of a door, again taking on the rigid pointer stance.

“That’s the door to the maintenance hall for Flash Mountain. What on earth could they be doing to that ride?”

Quick with the keys, we were inside and groping in the dark. It took a few moments for our eyes to adjust to the darkness from the bright California sun, then we began the slow search. Pinkie and I paired off, while Joe and Anne went another direction. Most of the complex was tunnels and store rooms which were all locked. We did manage to find the break room, and clean out the fridge. It seems that Walterland treated their employees well. Free beer and soda. as well as a variety of snacks and microwave treats.

“Mmmm! These are yummy!” I looked over to see Pinkie with her face in a box, munching away.

“What are those?” The box proclaimed them to be ‘Poni Snax’ with genuine Equestrian ingredients.

“I dunno but they taste amazing, wanna try some?” Looking up at me, she grinned with crumbs all over her face. I held back a laugh, as I took one of the offered treats.

I smelled it, not noticing anything special, a little spicy, otherwise it looked like a small brown cookie. I remembered reading that almost anything Equestrians could eat was safe for humans, and I doubted the FDA would let dangerous foods be mass produced. Popping it in my mouth, I bit down, and my eyes grew wide. It was like the best gingersnap I had ever tasted, with a slight chocolate aftertaste.

“Holy damn, Pinkie, these are awesome!” I grinned and grabbed a handful more. They even tasted good with the beer I was drinking.

I was polishing off my third beer, a much needed relief after the hot sun, when we heard a yell from deeper in the complex. We both dashed off toward the noise, and the sound of a scuffle, rounding a corner to see Joe and Anne just ahead of us.

“What happened?” I yelled.

“Dunno, it came from the pump room!” Joe yelled back over his shoulder.

We arrived to see a rather bizarre sight. A man and a woman were tied to what looked like a giant phallus, while Maud sat staring at us from in front of the couple. A pony was also hogtied nearby, with her mouth gagged, glaring daggers at the grey mare.

“Dafuq?” while inelegant, my outburst summed the scene up perfectly.

“I caught them.” Maud replied. “They were trying to rig the water canons to shoot fake ejaculate onto the ride when it took photos.”

“And we would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling ponies!” The woman declared.

“Sam? Barbra? What the hell are you two doing here?”  Anne asked the couple.

“We are exposing the sins of this horrid place for all the world to see! No longer can Walterland pretend to be the pristine family friendly place, full of innocence. It’s all a lie, and the lie will be exposed!” The man screamed at us, froth flying from his lips. With a quick motion, Maud slapped duct tape over the mouths of both prisoners, then resumed her post.

“I take it you know these jackasses?” I turned to our hosts, and sighed.

“Yea, we know em. Sam was the chief architect here for a few years. Designed half the security systems. When Walterland Studios bought some shares of a porno studio, he went apeshit and started protesting. We had to fire him. Him and his wife Barbra showed up in the news a few times, then disappeared. I really shoulda seen this coming.” Joe sighed, and started dialing the phone.

Meanwhile, Pinkie started laughing uncontrollably, rolling on the floor. “Hahah! Seen it cumming!”

I have to admit, it was immature, but I giggled a little. Then again, I was a little buzzed. It was good beer.


The next day found us back at the hotel, exhausted, but in generally high spirits. After the police were done grilling us, we were released. We all received lifetime park passes for our help in solving the mystery, but it was time to go home.

Pinkie was busy munching on another box of Poni Snax, which she has snagged from the park break room, and I was sorely tempted to join her. Instead, I turned to the matter at hand.

“So what you gonna do now, Maud?” I asked the stoic mare.

She just looked up at me and smiled that smile for a moment. “I think I am going to go back and find Buck. Him and I have alot in common, and I was thinking we could study rocks together.”

“Ooooh! My sister has a crush!” Pinkie sang, causing her darker sibling to blush furiously.

“Well, I wish you the best of luck, Maud. If you are ever out east, you are always welcome at our place.” I started to shake her hoof, before changing my mind and pulling her into a hug.

“GROUP HUG!” Pinkie shouted, causing both Maud and I to wince, before we were both crushed in a pink vice.

“Ack! Pinkie, the ribs!” I squawked.

“Oops, sorry! So when are we driving home?”

I blinked at my roommate, and thought over the long strange trip we had taken, and all the miles going back.

“Fuck that, we’re flying home!” I declared.