//------------------------------// // The Banquet // Story: Sprockets in the North // by Lab //------------------------------// I got a good, long look at the banquet hall as an usher led me to my seat while the first of the other guests started trickling in. The decor reminded me of restaurants where it was impossible to get reservations unless they were made a decade or two in advance. A quartet provided classical ambiance from a small raised section, though I found myself a little disappointed that Octavia and her cello weren’t present. A sea of tables covered in white tablecloths sat atop half of a seabed of large marble tiles. Royal guards were spaced evenly along the walls, blending into the background as easily as tuxedos amongst penguins. Ordering the food worked just like the few weddings I’d been to on Earth—look over the three or four options on the card, check off the one that sounded least likely to get burnt, and wonder what the seat planner had been smoking when he’d decided to place me at a table where I had absolutely nothing in common with half the others. The only difference was that one of my options had been faintly underlined, something lacking on any of the other cards I managed to catch a glimpse of. I was wary until Twilight had told me it was the easiest dish to eat without magic. Normally, it would have irritated me even more, but it was just a suggestion, and it wasn’t like I knew what any of the items were. It was like they thought it would taste worse if everybody knew what it was. The banquet hall would be the fanciest place I’d eaten at in my entire life. That is, if the food ever arrived. I could have sworn that Pinkie had mentioned they were preparing for the meal when she was in the kitchen, and I’d figured that meant the food would be ready to go when we were. Friggin’ “gourmet” cuisine. I swore to find a greasy spoon the moment I got back to Ponyville, a diner that was equal parts delicious and artery-clogging. Pinkie was sitting to my left, scrutinizing a napkin swan like she was about to tie it to a chair, throw a spotlight on it, and ask it where the bomb had been planted. On my other side was Twilight, who had to have claimed her seat by pulling more strings than the average orchestra. She was listening to the Zebrican Ambassador, Muzii, who was sharing an anecdote. “So then I ask, ‘What do mangoes have to do with anything?’” Everybody at the table laughed as Muzii finished, and so did a few ponies at other tables who were novices when it came to eavesdropping. “Good show,” said Fancy Pants, who was as fancy and pantsless as I’d expected. “Sounds like it was just the right thing to spice up that play.” “Oh yes.” Muzii chuckled. “I still send them a gift-wrapped mango every year.” An aged griffon grunted, fixing an eye on Muzii. “I say you went too soft on them. If it were me, I’d have given them an earful.” It was a little disappointing that the first griffon I’d met was so far over the hill the that he looked like he was preparing to make a second pass. One good sneeze would knock out more than a few of his feathers. Silver Tree, the head of some noble house that had barely been important enough to get an invitation, took a sip from her wine and tittered. Her laugh would have been more at home on a lioness watching an injured gazelle. “If it were you, Greybeak, you’d have fallen asleep and been none the wiser.” Greybeak harrumphed. “You’d do well to respect your elders, fledgeling.” His gaze turned towards me just as I set down my glass. “You’ve been quiet, ‘Dame’ Sterling. You know, you seem to be in excellent health for a Knight in the Order of the Ash Heart. What, exactly, were your injuries?” Twilight tensed up next to me, ears going rigid as she glared at Greybeak. Pinkie winced, her ears folding back as she went as quiet as the rest of the table. I was surprised he had taken so long to make an awkward silence. A twinge went through my leg. It had been iffy through the entire ceremony, like a petulant child that had to be taken grocery shopping because he was on every babysitter’s blacklist. Worse yet, my leg was starting to realize I wasn’t going to buy it candy at the checkout. “I really don’t think that’s an appropriate topic for a dinner table.” “Perhaps if we had our dinners. As for now, it’s just a table.” I couldn’t argue that point. It was indeed a table. “Still, it’s not something brought up in polite conversation. Besides, if you haven’t already noticed it, you probably wouldn’t believe me.” I wanted to remove my leg and place it on the table just to watch him choke on his words, but I was supposed to be on my best behavior. Or at least the behavior used at the same time as the good china. I’d expected Greybeak to single me out eventually, just not on that particular topic. He was the only openly hostile being at the table—Silver Tree was far more subtle about it, though she still didn’t try to hide her disdain when she spoke. Muzii and Fancy Pants were good company though. With all the disdainful and self-pleasing looks I’d noticed from nearly everybody else, I was surprised that I’d been lucky enough to get this particular set of tablemates. It was probably a good example of what could be expected from the rest of the event, as the tables would be cleared out shortly after the meal, dumping me into shark-infested waters like a bucket of chum. Greybeak and Silver Tree were just two ends of a scale, and there was a lot of room in-between. The more I thought on it, the more it seemed like the seating arrangement was a little too convenient. Not that I didn’t appreciate it, but Luna had said her sister and she were confident Pinkie and I could succeed. Was that only because they were tweaking things behind the scenes? How much further would it go? Maybe I was just seeing puppeteers where there were none, but I’d have to make sure I asked Luna about it later. It was only paranoia if you were wrong. “I beg your pardon? I’ll have you know my eyes are as sharp as they’ve ever been.” Greybeak huffed. Why was he at the banquet anyway? He wasn’t the Griffon Ambassador or his aide—those two sat a few tables over. Fancy Pants cleared his throat. “Greybeak, old chap, would you please tell me what is written on the name card in front of you? I’m afraid I can’t quite make it out from here.” “Of course.” He picked up the small card and squinted at it. “It says ‘This spot reserved for Sir Greybeak, Lord of Easthold’.” Oh, so that’s what he did. “I’m afraid that’s what this one says.” Fancy Pants waved a card in the air. “The one you’re reading from is mine.” “You’ve made your point.” Greybeak frowned, which was disconcerting to see a beak do, and turned to his wine while I gave Fancy Pants a thankful nod. Twilight smiled nervously. “So, who would like to discuss the ramifications of the recent events in Trottingham?” Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a veritable legion of covered-tray-bearing carts. “Hey look, the food’s almost here. Guess you’ll have to wait until afterwards to discuss Horsepun.” “Trottingham,” Twilight deadpanned. “Them too.” Honest mistake. Horsepun and Trottingham sounded almost exactly the same, after all. My stomach rumbled as the food drew nearer. I could smell each dish hiding under metal lids, sauces and spices mingling to create a scent that taunted me. The servants moved at an agonizingly slow pace, probably waiting for us to starve to death so they could have it all for themselves. “Gears, you’re about to start drooling.” Pinkie’s whisper broke me out of my reverie. Glass clinked as she stealthily placed a bottle on the ground. “I brought the hot sauce if you need any.” I still wasn’t sure what I’d ordered, so for all I knew, the dish would go better with teriyaki sauce—now there was something I really missed. “Thanks. We’ll know in a bit I guess.” “Tell me, Dame Sterling, have you ever dined at the castle before?” Fancy Pants asked. I didn’t like either honorific, but “Dame” was my main role for the night. Besides, I was sure that if I’d made a fuss about it, he would have gladly called me “Beta” instead. Fancy Pants was cool like that. “Nothing official, though I’ve had a few snacks here and there.” They weren’t bad, but when you have regular contact with Pinkie, other baked goods just don’t cut it. “Well, you are in for a treat tonight. I’ve yet to have a disappointing meal here.” Muzii nodded. “Yes, the food is quite delicious.” At our table, my meal was placed first, and Twilight quickly whispered for me to wait for one of the servants to remove the lid. My stomach rumbled again, and Pinkie’s rumbled in response. Finally, a unicorn used his magic to remove every lid at once, and the meal began in earnest. The food choice I’d marked hadn’t said “ravioli without sauce,” but that was definitely what it looked like. Maybe it was something else in Italian—Neightalian, Bitalian, or whatever the pony-equivalent was—that just looked like ravioli. “Is something wrong with your meal, madam?” a voice behind me asked. “No, no. Just lost in thought.” It didn’t need the hot sauce Pinkie had offered, but the food wasn’t anything remarkable. Sure, it looked pretty, but that was about it. There wasn’t much of it either, and if there weren’t hoof-foods to munch on later, I was going to find Pinkie and Spike and we’d sneak out to Donut Joe’s. I was sure Celestia and Luna would forgive me if I remembered to bring them something back. I suddenly realized I hadn’t seen the little dragon since before I’d gotten dressed. “Twilight, where’s Spike?” Pinkie coughed. “Grounded for making a mess in the kitchens,” Twilight said quietly, spearing some more of her salad with a fork. I’d never thought I would miss silverware—even during the apocalypse, it had been relatively easy to find, though a clean fork was never around when wanted. Spike being grounded wasn’t a problem for my fallback plan, as Pinkie wouldn’t have minded helping me break him out. There was some light conversation among the rest of the table while we ate, but it was little more than Silver Tree complaining, Fancy Pants and Muzii being good company, and Greybeak doing his best to frown at everything. As the cleared plates were taken away, Silver Tree turned to me with a sickening smile. “As you may know, Dame Sterling, I’m in charge of the most profitable silver mine in Equestria.” “Used to be. We’ve exported more silver in the last couple months than you have in the past two years.” I’d seen her name a few times when I’d started looking into the silver market. Silver snorted. “I did say ‘most profitable,’ young mare.” “Don’t call me ‘young mare’ unless I can call you ‘old broad’.” Only one person was allowed to call me any variation of “kid,” and the nag wasn’t even wearing tweed. “We might not make as much profit, but that’s because most of it goes right back into the pack, not my own pockets.” Muzii chuckled, and Twilight just about choked on her drink. Greybeak made an expression that could be interpreted as small smile, depending on the lighting and whether the drink was strong enough to strip paint. “I’d be wary of insulting the pony trying to make you a lucrative deal.” “If you want to make a deal, write up a document. I don’t negotiate over dinner.” “And what of you, Alpha Pinkamena? Are you going to let your underling ruin your pack’s chances of becoming wealthy?” Pinkie glared venomously, and Twilight and I scooted away. It was the angriest I’d ever seen her be without somebody breaking a Pinkie Promise. “Do you know where I grew up? The best rock farm in Equestria. I know you’ve heard about it, since you tried to take it from my family with your evil legal mumbo-jumbo.” The conversation at the nearest few tables had stopped as well, further adding to the awkward silence. Silver Tree wilted under Pinkie’s glare—I was surprised Pinkie hadn’t mentioned anything to her earlier. Before Silver Tree could burst into flames, Fancy Pants cleared his throat and turned to Twilight. “Princess Twilight, you mentioned Trottingham earlier?” Even I sighed in relief. I had no love for Silver Tree, but I would have felt bad if a maid needed to come out and sweep up her ashes. “Yes, the recent protests against changelings got out of hand, and in the ensuing riot, several buildings caught fire and burnt to the ground because the fire department was unable to reach the flames,” Twilight said, just as eager for a change of subject. The ache in my leg was getting bad enough that I seriously considered taking a painkiller, but my hopes were dashed amongst jagged rocks as I realized every last pill was sitting in a bottle back in the room. “Ah, I’d read something about that in the newspaper. Dreadful business.” Their conversation actually held my interest, though I had to resist butting in with a “Hmm yes, quite.” Our table had actually been one of the first finished, but it didn’t take more than another ten or fifteen minutes for everybody else to clean their plates. As the servants removed the last of the dishes, the attendees moved to the other half of the room, milling about as more and more joined them. When I stood up, several pairs of ears and a few faces swivelled in my direction, giving me the feeling that an open season had just been declared. “Don’t worry, Gears, I’ll be at your side the—holey moley, look at that cake!” said a Pinkie-shaped cloud of dust. With how fast she tended to eat, I had nothing to worry about. Besides, there was still a purple princess I could rely on. No, wait, she was still talking to Fancy Pants. “Right, on my own until Pinkie’s finished committing cake-icide. Step one: get a drink, preferably something strong. Step two: weather the storm. Step three: try not to talk to myself, because I really don’t want them to hear my thoughts.” I scanned the room for a servant that didn’t look busy, hoping they could at least tell me where I could get my drink. I debated juking the nobles headed my way but figured I’d probably just fall over instead of redirecting anybody. “Hey, where could I get something a bit stronger than wine?” “Have you tried the bar, madam?” He gestured towards a fully stocked bar that was fancy enough to not seem out of place in the banquet hall. I could have sworn there had just been a wall there earlier. Whatever, it was probably just magic. “Ah, Dame Sterling, just the pony I wanted to see.” “Yeah, that’s nice. I’m going to get a drink. If you’re still around after I have something decent in front of me, then we can talk.” I wasn’t even sure who I’d just snubbed, but it was nobody I knew. A small voice in the back of my head told me to play nice—I intended to drown it in whiskey or gin. The drink burned going down, but I was ready to face the night, one guest at a time. “I wanted to congratulate you on your award. You seem to be handling it well, all things considered.” “Thanks. Things are different, but it wasn’t too much to get used to.” Well, she wasn’t so bad. I caught myself halfway through thinking things wouldn’t be so bad after all. “How did you train a diamond dog to cook your meals? Do you think I could get one for a servant?” asked a different pony. I frowned at him. It looked like my stray thought had still counted. “None of them cook for me, and none of them would want to be your servant.” A third pony saw her chance to step in. “With my help, you can—” “Pass.” The little voice in the back of my head couldn’t object, as it was desperately trying to stay afloat in an aged, flavorful sea. Too bad I’d made sure to place the flotation devices out of reach. “Your prosthetic limb is a technological marvel. I wish to purchase it.” “I think I’ll say ‘no.’ I’m still using it.” I honestly hadn’t seen that one coming. It wasn’t that advanced either—”technological marvel” made me think of bionics and such. They came at me in an endless stream asking everything from “Will you attend my garden party next week?” to “Where’s the bathroom?” with no sign of slowing. Pinkie and Twilight had their own mobs to deal with, namely those who were tired of waiting for a turn to speak with me. I couldn’t tell most of the guests apart, though the Griffon Ambassador, Camillo, stood out for more reasons than just being the result of a mad scientist’s efforts to make a Persian get along with an African Grey. The first thing out of his beak was a compliment on my choice of drink. The second was an apology for Greybeak, who Camillo explained was the previous Griffon Ambassador and wasn’t actually supposed to be at the castle but everybody pitied him too much to kick him out. As we parted ways, I promised to send him a cask of rock ale, and he responded with a promise to send a cask of Misty Aerie Mead. It looked like something good had come out of the mingling after all. A minotaur that was probably an ambassador stopped by, congratulated me, and left without another word. Nobody I asked actually knew his name—it was definitely something I’d have to ask someone later. I didn’t notice the crowd thinning out until Pinkie appeared, looking incredibly satisfied that the dessert table was a husk of its former glory, and I steered the two of us to the hors d'oeuvres. The meager amount of food I’d managed to snag from any tray-carrying servants that had passed by weren’t nearly enough to make up for the tiny dinner. Also, the finger-food—likely hoof-food in Equestria, but that was just another question to ask—table had mini-quiches, and I would have been crazy to pass on those. Twilight smiled as she approached. “I figured I would find you here.” When I noticed her lack of cling-ons, I realized mine had all vanished as well. “Where’d they all go?” She gave me a weird look. “The banquet was scheduled to end fifteen minutes ago.” “Time does fly when you’re having fun,” Pinkie said with a sagely nod. “Especially if you’re a pegasus. Or an alicorn, I guess.” “It also does it when you zone out and try not to pay attention.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “It couldn’t have been that bad, Sterling.” “It had its good times, but I could have done without the vast majority of it. Either way, I’m glad it’s over.” “You have to remember that the two of you are an unknown variable. I practically grew up in Canterlot Castle, so they’ve had plenty of time to learn about me. Some might have even done research on the Elements. To them, Sterling, it looks like you came out of nowhere.” “As far as Equestria is concerned, I kinda did.” Even a passing thought on the Between was enough to make me shudder. Twilight winced. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” I held up a hoof, giving her a smile to show that I wasn’t mad. “I know, and I see what you mean. The only info they’d find on my past are some identification papers.” Pinkie grinned. “They’d either think you were really boring or a secret agent. If you need to throw them off the trail, you can borrow my spy suit. I even got the night-vision goggles that make that ‘bwee’ sound when you turn them on.” “You know, I thought I’d see Blueblood tonight.” I wanted to see if he was actually as bad as Rarity and the show had made him out to be. “That meanie that got cake on Rarity?” Pinkie asked. “He was present. I had a decent conversation with him. I don’t know why he didn’t speak to you,” Twilight said with a shrug. She gestured behind me and added, “Sterling, mind if I have one of those mini-quiches?” “Uh, sure? They’re not mine.” She collected a few of them onto a plate. “With the way you’re plowing through them, I was afraid I’d lose a hoof.” “Hey, I expected dinner. I got a side dish.” The approaching sound of hooves alerted us to Celestia and Luna. Celestia took one of Twilight’s mini-quiches and chuckled as she popped it into her mouth. “Most nobles do not possess much of an appetite, Dame Sterling.” “Camillo was pretty cool though.” “The Griffon Ambassador? Yes, I saw you two getting along nicely. All three of you conducted yourselves admirably tonight.” Luna nodded in agreement. “Indeed, though Dame Sterling could have used a little more tact in some places.” “Ugh, are you two going to call me ‘Dame Sterling’ for the rest of the night?” Luna nodded again and smiled. “Most likely.” Everybody except me chuckled. “I’m sorry for our absence,” Cadence said as she trotted into the banquet hall with Shining at her side. Maybe it was just me, but she seemed to be walking a bit differently. “There were a few… urgent matters we had to attend to.” Considering how easy it was to make Twilight blush, Cadence’s lack of subtlety had gone so far over her head that it was running out of atmosphere. I’d seen burning inns that had been less obvious. “How nice of you two to join us,” Luna said, dipping her head respectfully. “Dame Sterling, I’d like to introduce the regents of the Crystal Empire, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, whom you’ve already met, and Prince Shining Armor.” She must have known I’d realize who they were, but I figured she was just being polite. I waved. “Hey there.” Formality had been optional ever since Twilight had told me the function was over. If I could have found a few minutes to slink away and remove the dress, I would have been one happy pony. Shining shook my hoof. “A pleasure. You’re the one Twilight arranged for me to discuss shield spells with, correct?” Nodding, I said, “That’s me. Everything I need is back in my room though.” “Then it may be best if we part ways for the evening,” Celestia said. “There is still much some of us must accomplish before retiring.” “My sister makes an excellent point. Now that the award ceremony and banquet have finished, I am running out of time to delay Night Court. I will take my leave if there are no further matters to discuss.” When nobody spoke up, she nodded. “Very well then. I wish all of you a good night. Dame Sterling, I request your presence in the north waiting room. Do you require directions?” Twilight spoke up. “I’ll guide her, Princess Luna. I’ll need to help get that dress off her anyway.” The reactions were mixed—Cadence and Pinkie chuckled, Shining gaped, Luna looked confused, Celestia’s eyes glinted mischievously over a smile, and I facehoofed. Twilight’s clueless expression turned to bafflement. “Did I miss something?” Pinkie laughed harder as she rolled onto her back, legs flailing in the air as she giggle-snorted. Hoof still planted on my face, I mumbled, “Phrasing, Twilight. Watch the innuendo.” “Innuendo? No, no, no. I didn’t mean it like that.” Her face reddened with every word, turning from lavender to “this isn’t what it looks like” red in the span of a few sentences. “We’re friends, just friends. I’d be removing her clothing in a friendly manner.” I stuffed a hoof in her mouth before she could do any more damage. “As much as I’d love to watch you dig yourself deeper and deeper, it’s nowhere near as fun if I get dragged into the pit too.” Without removing my hoof, I looked to the others. “There is nothing between us. I had a lot of trouble getting the dress on, and Twilight’s probably correct when she says I’ll need help removing it.” It was embarrassing to admit, but less so than letting Twilight continue without clarification. Pinkie’s laughter quickly petered out, but she remained on the floor. “Aww, that’s nowhere near as funny.” “Do you require assistance, Pinkamena?” Luna asked. Oh sure, Luna, didn’t use her honorific. “No thanks. I’m just comfortable.” “Very well then. If anypony needs me, I will be in the northern waiting room for the near future.” Luna walked away, smiling as Pinkie waved from the floor. Cadence whispered something in Shining’s ear, and he failed to suppress a dopey grin. “Since you will be occupied for a bit, Dame Sterling, there is time for Cadence and I to attend to a little more business.” “Business or ‘business’.” Air quotes were still better with hooves. Shining smirked. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. When you are finished with Luna, please come find me in the library.” Twilight raised her hoof. “Shiny, I think the library is a bad idea. Maybe you should find someplace sturdier. Someplace with fewer fragile, priceless relics.” “I agree with Twilight,” Celestia said, nodding. With a smirk in my direction, she added, “Some ponies are more prone to accidents than others.” “Hey now, I think I’ve caused far more damage doing stuff inentionally than on accident.” I paused for a moment as my words caught up to me. “That came out wrong… at least I didn’t detonate a bomb in Twilight’s library.” Twilight smiled. “Marketplace cart crash.” “That one motel,” Pinkie added. “That second one doesn’t count.” Besides, the place had had it coming. At first, I wondered how Pinkie had known about it, but then I stopped caring. Shining thought for a moment. “We could always use one of those fortified rooms Twily used to practice in when she lived here.” “And you can tell me all sorts of embarrassing stories about her.” Shining laughed. “There are a few I have in mind.” Twilight sighed. “Really, you two?” “You ask parents if you want embarrassing pictures and siblings if you want embarrassing stories. Also, you accidentally lit my couch on fire.” Rolling her eyes, Twilight huffed. “I know! You bring it up every two or three days! At least I didn’t almost die in a fire because I was trying to save pillows.” I shrugged. “They were really comfy.” Softie was probably dead, but if he had shown up on my doorstep, I would have lied through my teeth to keep them, even if he could have seen them from the door. “Sounds completely rational to me,” Celestia said, sounding sarcastic and sincere simultaneously. It was the kind of tone that I wouldn’t want to call out no matter who had used it, because there was a fifty-fifty chance I’d just look like an ass. Cadence coughed to get our attention, or at least that’s what I’d thought until she coughed again and made the face reserved for when something goes down the wrong tube. “Sorry about the interruption, but Shining Armor and I should get going if we’re going to finish our business before it gets too late.” “Oh, yes,” Shining replied with a nod. “Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, it was good to see you, as always. As for you, Twily, we should have brunch tomorrow so we can catch up before you head back to Ponyville. Dame Sterling, I’ll send a message to the waiting room once I figure out which room we will be using.” “I will take this opportunity to retire as well. First, I wish to congratulate you once more on your award, Dame Sterling,” Celestia said. I made a mental note to call her nicknames more often. As soon as Sunbutt, Shiny, and Love Shack left the room, Pinkie pulled Twilight and me into a hug. “I had fun, but now I have to go prepare for my mission. Without a proper briefing, I’ll just have to wing it, but Gummy’s borrowing my good briefcase. And do you have any idea how hard it is to find even a single pair of briefs?” “I can guess.” I had yet to see a pair of underpants in Equestria. Pinkie would be searching for a long time—her quest for briefs would not be brief. “I’ll see both of you in a little bit. Oh, Gears, I need to borrow a smoke bomb.” She pulled a round object from behind my ear, and it definitely wasn’t a quarter or bit. “Thanks!” With a quick toss and a puff of smoke, she vanished. One of the few royal guards remaining around the room’s perimeter promptly dropped his spear in shock. “You actually brought smoke bombs? How did you even hide it there without the scan picking it up?” “You’re kidding, right? I don’t even know how to make them.” I’d been putting off my visit to Zecora’s because of a healthy dose of paranoia. Anypony I’d asked had told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything in the forest as long as I stayed on the path and didn’t stay after dark or longer than necessary. But an ex-human does not simply walk through the Everfree Forest without getting ambushed by timberwolves, manticores, or something else that makes biologists cry themselves to sleep. Anydog I’d asked about the Everfree shook their heads and said, “Forest cursed, Beta,” and I was inclined to trust that nugget of wisdom. Twilight sighed. “Just Pinkie being Pinkie, I guess. Let’s get going. We don’t want to keep Princess Luna waiting for too long.” If it weren’t for Twilight, I would have wandered the castle halls until I died of thirst, a fate that had likely befallen many tourists and rookie staff members. However, my guide knew the castle like the back of her hoof, and it took less than five minutes to reach my room. I was unsure if I were more eager to shed the dress or take a painkiller. The room was as I had left it except for an engraved wooden box sitting on the table. The lid bore the same coat of arms as the medal dangling from my neck, so I figured it was the case for when it wasn’t being worn. “You did well tonight, Gears,” Twilight said as she removed the brooch holding my dress, levitating the small clasp to my saddlebags. Getting the dress off took far less effort than putting it on, and I shook it off faster than I would a tacky Christmas sweater. My fur felt like each hair was pointing in a different direction, and I frantically tried to smooth it out. Twilight giggled at my misery. “Laugh if you want. I’d do the same if I were in your shoes.” I sank onto the floor as my coat normalized, the near itchiness rubbed out of existence. “So much better.” “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” The neck order’s weight was comforting, but I still wanted it off. Instead of getting tossed onto the floor with the dress, it went into the velvet-lined case with a modicum of care. “It was. Now I just have to get rid of this bun, get my goggles, and I’ll be set.” “You could always leave it in. I think you wear it well.” That still didn’t stop me from tearing the bun apart as quickly as I could without ripping out my mane in the process. “Thanks. I could keep it, but all the fancy stuff I need to take part in is over. I don’t have to be ‘Dame’ Sterling Gears for the rest of the night, just the regular one.” “You know that’s not how it works, right? Princess Luna is probably going to still use ‘Dame’ to address you.” I was so much more comfortable with my goggles in their proper place atop my head. The empty feeling had been wearing on me more and more as the night went on. “Yeah, I know. I do appreciate you not using it though.” Twilight smiled. “It looked like it bothered you.” “Thanks though.” It took only a moment to fish out my painkillers and take one. I would have taken a second one if I didn’t still have ponies to visit. Hopefully, Twilight wouldn’t mind too much, though I couldn’t see why she would have. She looked on in concern. “Is your leg bothering you?” “Yeah, it’s been a bit sore all night. So, where is Luna waiting?” I motioned towards the door. “As you can guess, the northern waiting room is on the north side of the castle. It’s actually closer than the banquet hall is.” “Lead the way.” The halls we traversed gave the same feeling of familiarity as the room I was staying in. I didn’t realize why until after we’d knocked on the door and Luna had called for us to enter. It was the same room I’d been in the night of my journey into the dreamscape, and it was where I had first met Luna. It looked as cozy as I remembered, and in fact, it didn’t seem like anything had changed. “I’ll leave you two be.” Twilight started towards the door. “Nonsense, Twilight Sparkle. I should have invited you in the first place, and I apologize for my oversight. Please, sit down. Pinkamena should also be here.” “She’ll show up when she feels like it.” Just like last time, I grabbed a kiwi fruit from the fruit bowl on the table. I hadn’t quite managed to fill up on the snacks at the banquet, and there had been a woeful lack of fruit. “Mmm, that’s good.” “You’re still hungry? You were teasing my eating habits earlier.” “I get a full meal at home. Also, it’s fruit, so shut up. Why did you want to see me, Luna?” Kiwi fruits were six times as expensive as apples in Ponyville. I wasn’t pinching bits, but it just wasn’t worth it—besides, raspberries were relatively cheap. “We did not get much time to converse before the ceremony. There is also something I must give you, Dame Sterling, but that can wait until the end of our time here,” Luna said. I rolled my eyes. “Are you going to call me ‘Dame’ all night?” “Of course. It is your title, is it not?” “I swear, nobody’s going to call me that back home if I can help it. They won’t even know.” Though there was a distinct possibility a certain pair of princess might spread that information. Luna smiled. “Why do you think my sister and I are using it so much this evening?” Twilight giggled. “She has a point, ‘Dame’ Sterling.” She stopped giggling when I threw an orange at her. Her magic caught the fruit before it could hit, but she didn’t stop smiling. “That was unnecessary.” Ignoring the citrus assault, Luna asked, “I trust both of you met many interesting ponies at the dinner?” “Interesting? Maybe a couple. Most of them felt like foppish mannequins.” There had also been a disappointing lack of monocles. Other than Fancy Pants, only one other unicorn had worn one. Unlike Fancy Pants, he’d been a dick. Twilight hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know. All the ponies I met looked interested in theoretical thaumology, though I don’t think many of them actually understood what I was saying.” “Twilight, you’re a Princess. You could be talking about something you scraped off your hooves, and they’d still pretend to be interested.” Luna frowned at me. “Sterling, be nice.” “Hey, you didn’t call me ‘Dame’ that time.” “An accident, I assure you. It will not happen again. As far as I have heard, neither you two nor Pinkamena were manipulated into anything, though Dame Sterling’s temper could have used some work.” “It’s not like I said anything just to be mean. If somebody was insulted, they probably deserved it.” They’d probably deserved it twice over actually. “Regardless, that is not how one should conduct themselves during formal occasions. However, I do have to commend you on demanding all requests in writing, though I suspect you will have much paperwork to address the next few weeks.” I had told quite a few ponies to put stuff in writing, but I really didn’t feel like going through that much text. “I haven’t made paper airplanes in a while.” “Those flying tube things, right?” Twilight waited for me to nod. “Sterling, we don’t have airplanes in Equestria. I think I know what you’re talking about making, but they’re called ‘paper gliders’ here.” “I do not recommend using legal documents to construct toys for foals,” Luna said. It was an understandable warning, but that didn’t mean it would be followed. “Twilight Sparkle, I admired your strategy of discussing a subject so complicated that nopony else could turn the argument towards their own ends.” Twilight chuckled nervously. “Thank you, Luna. That is exactly what I meant to do, and I am also glad it worked.” Even though Twilight was less subtle than a bedazzled freight train, Luna didn’t act like she’d noticed. “Both of you exceeded our expectations.” Their expectations had to have been pretty low in the first place. “How much of it was pre-arranged?” I asked. Luna thought for a moment, no doubt choosing her words carefully. “Through our actions, the most dangerous nobles were of no risk to you.” I sighed and slumped in my seat. “Great.” Twilight looked to Luna with confusion on her face. “What do you mean?” “Both of you hold very important positions. Twilight Sparkle, you have been to similar functions, but Sterling Gears is inexperienced with such things. There are certain… outcomes we could not risk.” She missed the honorific again, but I suspected it was a calculated decision this time. Expecting something and hearing it confirmed were vastly different feelings. I could understand what Luna had been getting at, but that didn’t quell my discomfort. “I think I’ve been manipulated enough, don’t you?” Luna subtly winced. “I do, but I have a country to govern. We may be friends, and my sister and I are willing to give you our trust, Sterling, but there are many things we cannot discuss with you. The well-being of Equestria must be my highest priority at all times.” I wanted to scream, to cuss her out with more expletives than a sailor with a thesaurus, but I was better than that. Some part of me fiercely insisted I retaliate, but if Luna’s and my positions had been reversed, I would have done the same to her. The pack was far smaller than Equestria, but I would have angered any one of them if it meant protecting the rest. I knew Luna and Celestia well enough to believe they probably hadn’t wanted to do it, but in the grand scheme of things, my personal feelings meant nothing and neither did theirs. For the first time, my position as Beta made me feel trapped. I had no business being a leader, but I couldn’t abandon them just to make things more convenient for me, even if it meant having to dance to another’s tune for a little while. It was not lost on me that they’d kept me from the manipulations of nobles by doing their own puppeteering. Better a marionette than a sock puppet though—being unable to move without a hoof up your ass would be horrifying. If I’d still had hands, the fingernails would have been digging into my palms. Still, I kept my voice level as I spoke. “If something like this comes up again in the future, give me a heads up. Just don’t keep me in the dark.” Luna hesitated. “Sterling, I cannot make such a promise.” “Please, Luna. Do it as a favor to me.” She sighed and tentatively nodded. “I will do what I can to inform you, but please keep in mind I may not be able to say much.” “I’ll take what I can get. Twilight, you’ve been pretty quiet… Twilight?” Twilight was continuously repeating the breathing exercise Cadence had supposedly taught her, though it would have been more effective if she weren’t nearly hyperventilating, each exhale audible over the fireplace’s crackle. It was amusing for about three-and-a-half seconds, then it became awkward. The situation quickly shifted back to amusing as I threw another piece of fruit, a plum this time, and it bounced off her raised foreleg. Twilight blinked as she came back to reality, then looked down at the fruit and sighed. “Sterling, please stop throwing things at me.” The corners of Luna’s mouth twitched upwards as she said, “Yes, Sterling Gears, please stop making a mess.” I was still miffed from the earlier debacle, but throwing produce at royalty had proved to be an excellent way to better my mood. Maybe I’d have to convince Luna to help me pelt Celestia with bananas. “It’s not like it burst or anything. Besides, I got her attention, didn’t I?” “While that may be, there are alternative ways to get the attention of another.” “Yeah, but they’re boring and not as effective.” I looked back to Twilight, who thankfully hadn’t resumed panicking. “Feeling better?” She better have been—that was a perfectly good plum. Twilight frowned again, shooting Luna a hurt look more potent than any kicked puppy’s. “I thought you and Celestia trusted me.” She sadly nodded towards me. “Trusted us.” For a moment, I wondered if I’d accidentally compromised anything Celestia had done to Twilight. Then I realized I really didn’t care—Twilight was a bright mare, but the only reason she hadn’t outright denied the manipulation was that her hero worship had declined to healthy levels in the time that I’d known her. It was about time for her to wise up. Luna sighed, no doubt wishing she could tag her sister into the ring. When she looked at me, she wasn’t glaring. No, her expression was asking why I’d felt the need to bring this up with Twilight in the room. A spiteful whisper in my mind told me the sisters had brought it upon themselves, but I’d never been vindictive person to anything that hadn’t committed genocide. Also, Luna was still my favorite princess as far as princessy things went. “They do, Twilight.” I paused, trying to figure out the best way to explain it. Then I remembered who I was talking to. “Would you trust a student to get everything right on a final exam within the first couple weeks of the course?” Then I really remembered who I was talking to. “A normal student that can’t read four-hundred page textbooks in a single night.” I’d watched her do it once too—it was rather disturbing. “Excuse me for wanting to do well.” Twilight shook her head. “That’s not the point though. Why aren’t you angrier about this?” “Oh, I’m pissed. I just can’t do anything about it right now. I’ll be reducing a few boulders to gravel and trees to toothpicks after I get home.” There was a little nitroglycerin I’d been saving for a rainy day. Three sharp knocks came from the other side of the door, and a voice called out, “Messenger.” Luna looked relieved as she opened the door with a quick burst of magic. “You may enter.” The messenger’s eyes widened as he saw Luna. Apparently, nobody had told him she’d be here. To his credit, he regained his composure very quickly. “Is Dame Sterling Gears present?” He nodded as I raised my hoof. “Prince Shining Armor wishes to inform you he is waiting in spell-practice room B.” “Alright, thanks.” The messenger continued to stand in the doorway, looking at me awkwardly. “Sterling,” Twilight whispered, “you have to dismiss him.” “Oh, umm, you’re dismissed?” I sighed as the messenger closed the door and left. “I figured saying ‘thanks’ would have been plenty.” “Technically, Luna or I could have dismissed him, but it’s considered rude to dismiss a messenger who is delivering a message to a different pony.” Massaging my forehead with a hoof, I replied, “I need an etiquette cheatsheet.” Equestria didn’t have For Dummies books. I’d checked. “I have confidence you will learn in time, Dame Sterling.” Luna smiled, cautiously adding the honorific back in. The break had been appreciated, even if it’d only happened because tensions had been running high. “It appears our time is running short, and there is yet one more thing I wished to address while both of you are present.” We would have been done by now if I hadn’t brought up something that a less benevolent ruler would have called treason. Oops. Twilight had an expression that either meant she had more to say or she’d eaten something that wasn’t agreeing with her. Whatever it was, it disappeared when she nodded and said, “I will bring up this topic with Celestia tomorrow, though I’ll avoid doing so while she’s holding court.” “That would be best,” Luna said. All three of us jumped as Pinkie burst into the room, small bits of flour falling from her coat. “Oh good, this isn’t that one bathroom again. I kept getting turned around, but I guess the forty-fifth time's the charm.” Luna blinked slowly. “It is nice of you to join us, Pinkamena.” Apparently, she hadn't been paying attention when I'd told her Pinkie would show up when she was damn good and ready. Pinkie waved a hoof. “No problem, Princess Luna. I wouldn’t miss this for anything.” It wouldn’t have mattered too much if she’d been present earlier—there was a Pinkie-shaped void when it came to national security. “Miss what?” Twilight asked, looking between Luna and Pinkie. Luna floated out a box identical to the one sitting on the table in my room. My breath caught in my throat as it dawned on me that everybody who’d met him was in the same room. “Is that…” Luna responded by moving the box towards me. “We would not forget the one who gave his life during the recent crisis.” I could feel my mouth start quivering, but I stuffed it and a sniffle into a burlap sack that would inevitably rip at a later, inconvenient time. Nobody present would have cared if I’d started crying, but I wasn’t holding off for them. Or myself. Twilight matched Luna’s sad smile, and though I couldn’t see Pinkie’s face, I knew she bore one as well. Luna continued, “Dave will not be forgotten. Though this is a paltry testament to his actions, we hope that you will accept this award on his behalf.” A single nod was all I could muster. Dave would have hated the formal part of the award as much as—if not more than—I had, but the recognition would have more than made up for it. Before Pinkie, Dave had never hoped to speak with anybody other than me. Something like this was even further beyond expectations. The lid lifted noiselessly, or at least I couldn’t hear anything, as Pinkie had chosen that moment to burst into tears. Her eyes weren’t gushing streams like in the show, but it was still disturbing to see something that wasn’t a slightly kinked garden hose expel that much water. The medal was identical to mine, but the band that went around the neck was more ornate, made of gold and silver links that were finer than most textiles I’d seen. The chain had been sized for someone with a neck that was much smaller than a pony’s. In addition, it had been studded with alternating cabochons of a tasteful size. Half were a marbled dark-blue and black, which twisted around each other like two drops of dye that had been frozen while spreading through liquid. Semi-transparent white stones made up the other half, and they shone as the light caught the numerous golden streaks running through them. At first, I thought the darker stones were moonstone, but they were opaque and the coloring was too dark. Besides, it would have been too easy to use moonstones and sunstones. They were either made of lapis or sodalite, but I was leaning towards the latter even though sodalite usually had white streaks. The lighter cabochons were distinctive enough to identify as gold-rutilated cloudy quartz. Both were polished, but their luster wasn’t enough to draw eyes away from the medal. I realized I’d been staring at the award for at least thirty seconds, appraising the semi-precious stones like I had done with many others back in the Gem Hills. “Thank you.” It had been difficult to choke out those two little words, but none could have doubted their sincerity. Twilight was the first to speak. “Out of all of us, I knew him the least amount of time, but I could tell how important he was to you.” “Once you realized he wasn’t the bad guy, that is.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. That part of it was amusing at least. The rest of it, not so much. “Well, yes.” She chuckled nervously. “But it was a completely reasonable reaction considering the circumstances.” “I wish I could have met him under better circumstances, but I do not regret a minute of it,” Luna said, her eyes slightly misty. “What about when you shot me in the leg?” No twinge of pain meant the painkiller was still doing its job. “I had known him for at least a day at that point, though I am still deeply sorry for wounding you.” Twilight raised a brow. “She did what?” “It was an accident. Besides, I’ve had worse.” One of the benefits of my injury was the ability to create an awkward silence on command, though there was a risk of it happening unintentionally if my mouth got away from me. Fortunately, Pinkie was highly resistant to awkwardness and recovered quickly. The floor around her was soggy with tears and squelched as she moved to hug me. “He would have been proud,” she whispered into my ear. It would have been touching if the hug hadn’t crushed my ribs into a fine powder. When I regained my breath, I turned to Luna and said, “Thank you for making it private.” I wasn’t entirely sure why she’d done it, but that didn’t make me any less grateful. She smiled. “Of course. My sister and I have also seen to it that he will be mentioned whenever a history book discusses the Week of Creeping Shadows.” “That’s an… interesting name for it.” Then again, it wasn’t like I could think of a better one. “It is a work in progress,” Luna muttered. She stood up as she spoke with a normal volume. “I do wish we could continue our conversation, but I have been away from my duties for too long as it is.” “Thank you for asking me to stay, Luna. Even with the earlier argument, I am glad I was here,” Twilight said, completely ignoring the fact that she had been out of commission for most of it. “And I am glad you could attend.” She stopped on her way to the door and contemplated something before saying, ”If any of you wish to do the same, I would like to keep in touch through correspondence. I shrug. “Sure, why not? Still have that convenient mailbox.” On occasion, I would still get a headache from trying to figure out why Discord had left me that particular item. There had to be a reason, even if it turned out that it was only to make me think there was a deeper purpose. “Do they have to be about anything in particular?” Twilight asked with nervous excitement. She was easily one of my closest friends, but her dorkiness still surprised me at times. She may have had a high intelligence, but wisdom was clearly her dump stat. “They do not.” “But then how will I know what to write about?” “Twilight, it’s a conversation on paper. You don’t have to plan it out ahead of time.” Who was I kidding? I’d switched her salt and pepper shakers one time I’d visited—just their places, not the contents—and she’d freaked out for three hours before figuring it out. The first fifteen minutes of the freak-out had been spent rearranging her schedules to account for it. Spike and I had found it hilarious. Pinkie tilted her head to the side. “I already send you letters, Princess Luna. Or do you mean non-work-related letters?” Luna looked nervous for half of a second. “I meant letters that do not pertain to your job.” “I hope you like confetti,” I mumbled. Pinkie laughed. “That’s silly. Who doesn’t like confetti? I guess I could see somepony not liking streamers because of a bad experience, but it’s impossible for confetti to commit evil.” She knew party supplies better than anybody else, so I wasn’t going to doubt her. “Most excellent!” Luna beamed as she resumed her exit with a bit more pep in her step. “Farewell, my friends. I may yet see some of you later tonight while you slumber.” It would have been really creepy if we hadn’t known what she was talking about. Still, I couldn’t help but be a little weirded out. After she’d left, I asked. “Would either of you mind showing me where I’m supposed to meet Shining Armor?” “I would, but it’s about time for me to take the cake out of the oven. Also, I have no idea where he is.” She’d said the second part with such enthusiasm that I was tempted to let her lead anyway. Twilight stepped forwards. “I’ll take you to him, Gears. I figured I would be showing you where to go, and I’d like to say ‘hello’ to him before I get to my nightly reading anyways.” “Do I have to use another smoke bomb, or can I just pretend?” Pinkie asked. “Either one’s fine by me.” I’d checked behind my ears and found nothing, so I was a little afraid to see where she’d pull one from. “In that case…” She threw her imaginary smoke bomb at her hooves. “Poof! Hey, stop looking at me. You can’t see me through the smoke.” I hurriedly covered my eyes with a foreleg. “Jeez, Twilight, way to ruin the stealth mission.” “You were watching her too!” “Okay, I’m gone now,” Pinkie said. Naturally, she wasn’t there when we uncovered our eyes. Twilight’s eyelid twitched. “Let’s just get going.” I chuckled. “You’re just mad because she might be better at teleporting than you.”