Escape From Equestria
Chapter 1
Have you ever tried being a stereotypical teenager and sneak out at night and go to a party? I tried that once, it went horribly wrong. My name is Thomas Cain, but everyone simply calls me Cain, and this is the story all about how my life got flip turned upside down. Let me tell you about myself, I'm six foot tall with short black hair and a short beard. I like long walks on the beach and dinner by candlelight. Tonight, I decided to wear a pair of black and white Nike's, blue jeans, and a black Five Finger Death Punch t-shirt. One week before I was supposed to graduate from high school my two best friends, Mack Fratello and Brian Deartháir, and I loaded up in my truck at midnight and went to the school quarterback’s house for what was the party of the century. Mack is the same height as me, he keeps his blonde hair in a hipster fashion and keeps his face clean shaven. He'd been my brother for as long as I could remember. He was wearing a black and gray striped shirt, slim jeans, and his black Vans. Brian had brown hair that he kept long enough to keep in a short pony tail. He wasn't that big a fan of facial hair, but he let his sideburns grow out a little and had a tuft of hair on his chin. He was wearing an Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt, baggy bluejeans, and his favorite pair of black Converses. The party was the typical type of crazy house party that anyone would expect out of a bunch of horny, alcoholic eighteen-year-olds. Brian got totally wasted while Mack and I decided to stay away from the drinks, he doesn’t like alcohol and I had to drive later on. At approximately two-thirty in the morning a storm started rolling in and we decided that it would be best if we left then. With Brian riding on our shoulders we simply tossed him into the back seat and somewhat strapped him in. “Bloody hell, if I had known he was such a lightweight, I wouldn’t have let him get this wasted.” I commented as I sat down in the driver’s seat of my black 2005 Chevrolet Colorado.
“I don’t see how he can’t hold it, he’s bigger than both of us.” Mack replied as he buckled up in the seat next to me.”
“Whatever, let’s just hope we can get his drunk ass through his window without waking up the old lady.”
“God, I hope she’s still on that medicine.”
“I know, I’m gonna beat Brian’s ass for this in the morning.”
“Ha, let me help.”
“With pleasure.”
As I pulled out of the drive the weather took a turn for the worst and it started to pour. “Goddamn it, first Brian and now this.”
I turned the wipers on full, flicked on my high beams, and turned the four wheel drive system, I’d be needing as much traction as I could get.
After several quiet miles a bolt of lightning struck a tree on my side of the road causing it to explode in a brilliant light and thus causing me to swerve to the left. I started to lose control of the vehicle and immediately let off the gas and loosened my grip on the wheel to let it straighten out. After a few seconds I regained control, and drifted back into my lane. “Holy shit! Did you see that?” I asked Mack in a rather loud and alarmed voice.
I turned to look and him and he was sitting there breathing heavily with one hand gripping the handle on the door and the other hand gripping the armrest between us.
“No… What do you think?”
“Well damn, you ain’t got to be a smart ass.” I looked forward again shaking my head and letting out a heavy sigh. “Dude, we done fucked up.”
At the time I couldn’t even begin to fathom the amount of weight those words carried. As we drove along the lightning began to come closer, and it was more frequent, until it was almost constant.
Mack turned and looked and me and said, “Cain, I got real bad feeling about this.”
“Me too, buddy.” A third voice said.
I turned around and lo and behold the drunk was awake. “Bloody hell, how long have you been awake?”
“Since we almost got killed by that lightning strike and your inability to drive.”
“Oh.”
I once again turned around to face the road with the lightning still crashing all around us. “Sooo, I’m not an expert but-.” That was all I managed to get out of my mouth before my vision was completely taken over by a flash of light.
This is the part where the universe decided to fuck me over, without even giving me the common courtesy of a reach-around. I don’t know how long I had been out. I slowly willed my eyes to open, when I did manage to get them open I was slumped on the steering wheel. I pushed myself back into my seat and turned my head to check on my friends. Mack was sitting upright with his chin to his chest, Brian was upright but leaning on the front seat. I felt at my pockets, my wallet, cell phone, and even my pocket watch were still in their places. I reached into my right pocket and pulled out my iPhone, I pressed the power button and was greeted by my Scouting Legion background and noticed that it was about seven o’ clock in the morning, my phone still had 87% battery, but no service. I then looked at the truck itself, the keys were still in the ignition put everything was turned off and it was in park. I didn’t know if there was still gas in the tank or not so I reached for the keys and turned on the battery power. The gauges lit up like usual and I noticed that I still had a full tank of gas, I had filled it up before we went to the party. I turned it back off and then looked up out of the windshield. I was no longer in the mountains of Tennessee, I was in a very thick, swamp-like forest. We appeared to be sitting on a trail, but it wasn’t very clear. Just a narrow footpath, barely big enough for the already smaller sized Colorado to fit through. After I was through assessing my surroundings I turned back to Mack and attempted to wake him. “Mack, Mack, Mack... MACK!”
I then reached over and shook his shoulder a little, but still received no response. So I took his chin in my right hand and used my left hand to give him a hard slap to the cheek. He finally awoke with a “What the hell!”
“Bout time you woke up.”
“Why did you slap me?”
“Because every other attempt to wake yo ass up failed and quite frankly I thought it would be funny, and it was”
He looked outside and then turned to me, slapped me back, and asked in a panicked voice, “Where the hell are we?”
“Hell if I know.” I calmly replied.
“What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Why are we in a swamp?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re useless!”
“Hey now.”
“Where’s Brian?”
“Right behind you, still asleep.”
Mack turned around and did the exact same thing I did to him minus the slapping. “Why won’t he wake up?”
“Why are you asking so many questions? God! You’re worse than my grandmother.” I shot back as I got out and walked around to Brian’s door. I threw it open, unbuckled him, grabbed him by his shirt collar, and then pulled him out the truck Niko Bellic style. “Wake yo bitch ass up!”
As soon as he hit the ground his eyes shot open and he asked “Where am I?”
“In a swamp right smack dab in the middle of Fucktard Land.”
“Really?” He asked as he sat up and started looking around.
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“Is there going to human-horse hybrid thingies that somehow speak the same language as us?”
“I wouldn’t rule that out as a possibility.”
After listening to our pointless conversation Mack got out of the truck and asked, “So, what do we do now?”
I turned to face him and said, “Well… We have no food, no water, and no idea as to where the hell we are. However we have a full tank of gas, four wheel drive, and a path conveniently placed directly ahead of us. I say we load up and head out. Agreed?”
Mack and Brian looked at each other then looked at me and in unison agreed. “Well then, no use burning daylight.”
We once again sat in our places and I started the engine, flipped on the four wheel drive, put in low gear and headed out. We drove along for about an hour and half over roots, through a creek, and through mud before what appeared to be the edge of the forest appeared before us. I pulled just past the edge and stopped to survey the surroundings. The forest opened up to nothing but rolling hills and meadows for miles. Approximately two miles away we could see what appeared to be a medieval village with a purple crystal-like castle poking above it. Beyond that, far off in the distance, we could make out the outline of what appeared to be another castle on the edge of a mountain. I put the truck in park, turned to my friends and said, “Well boys, we done fucked up.”
“Really?” Mack replied to me in the most sarcastic voice he could muster.
“Hey, Brian, look back there and hand me the black pouch that has ‘Leupold’ on it.”
He dug around a bit before holding up the bag I was looking for. “This one?”
“Yes, thank you.”
I opened up the pouch and pulled out a pair of 20X binoculars. Then I raised them to my face and cast my gaze on the little village. Still to this day I am surprised that I didn’t shit a brick right then and there. “It appears that we have your typical medieval village, thatch roofs, no power lines, purple castle and uhhhh.
Mack then got a confused and concerned look on his face and asked me, “What’s wrong?”
“Uhhhh.”
“Cain, seriously, what the fuck do you see in that village?”
“Uhhhh. We have a problem.”
“What is the problem?”
“Here, look.” I said as I passed him the binoculars.
“I’m sure whatever it is, it can’t be that big a problem.” He said as he took the optics from me and put them to his face. “We’ve faced problems much worse than- Oh Shit.”
By now Brian is very concerned and yanks the optics from Mack and looks through them himself. “Oh. My. God.”
“Guys, we really fucked up bad this time.” I said.
On the other end of those binoculars, milling around, tending to their business, enjoying life, were multicolored anthropomorphic horses. I immediately put the truck back in drive and pulled forward enough for me to spin it back around and retreat into the forest. I didn’t drive for long, only long enough for us to be hidden in the forest. Nobody said a word. I stopped in a shady spot and turned off the engine. Then I sat there for a minute thinking. “Okay, I don’t have any sort of plan. SO. I say we handle this how we normally handle things.”
“And how is that?” Mack asked.
“We come. We fuck shit up. We leave. Our three simple steps. This time should be no different.”
After I laid out my oh so brilliant plan Brian let out a “Hmm” while he stroked his beard. “I’m in.”
Mack then looked at both of us and said, “Fuck it, count me in.”
“Excellent.”
Five minutes ago just outside of Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash was going through her usual routine of clearing away any clouds around Ponyville in ten seconds flat. After her run she was hovering above the little town admiring her work, and looking for any rogue clouds she might have missed. While she was doing this she just happened to notice an odd shape at the edge of the Everfree Forest. She quickly flew to the other side of Ponyville to get a better view of it. She came to a stop when it started to move. It was an odd thing, it looked much like the carriages that the elite of Canterlot would ride through the streets. Except this one was black, sleek, it had large windows, a cargo bed in the back, and most odd of all, it appeared to have a muzzle of sorts. All in all she thought it was awesome. Allowing herself to let out an “ooh” she watched as the carriage of awesomeness turned around and returned to the Everfree. Raising her arms and grabbing her hair she let out a loud gasp as she said, “Oh my Celestia, that awesome thing will get destroyed if it goes back in there! I've got to stop it!”
She then gave chase, rushing to the edge of the Everfree Forest, but by the time she got there the odd carriage was already out of sight. However, she could hear a very unfamiliar sound. A low grumbling sound, she flew slightly closer to the forest canopy, tracing the source of this noise. It was not long, however, before the sound came to an abrupt halt. She hovered in place for a minute or two trying to find it again. Then she heard what sounded like a door slamming, it came from directly below her. She cautiously lowered herself through the trees to finally see her new favorite thing. However, she wasn't expecting what she got with it. Leaning against it was a creature she had only heard about in legends and old mare’s tales. Leaning against it was none other than a human.
Cain
I was leaning against the side of the truck, trying to get my head straight. The other two were still inside with the AC running off the battery. They might be too scared to get out. I can’t really say I blame them. I almost got back inside myself because I could hear some large animal in the trees above me. I stopped standing there and started pacing aimlessly off to the side. Next thing I know I hear something let out a war cry and I’m flat on my back on the ground. I look up and one of the creatures from the village is pinning me down. This one had cyan fur and a rainbow colored mane and tail, she didn’t have feet like humans, but hooves like horses. I think it was a she, it had large breasts like a she. She was wearing a black tank top with a yellow lightning bolt outline and blue gym shorts. Then I looked at its face, not going to lie, it was rather attractive. I had to say something to it. “Hi.”
“Are you a spy!?” It shot back in my face.
“No, actually my two friends and I are lost. By the way you might want to get off of me, because here they come.”
As I said this Mack and Brian jumped out of the truck and came to where I was on the ground, both ready to fight. The rainbow haired girl then immediately jumped off me, also ready to fight. I picked myself off the ground and dusted myself off. “Well then, I do believe some proper introductions are in order.”