The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 10
The Honeymoon (The Pre-sequel [the remake])
Twitchums blinked, shaking his head back into reality.
“Wha-huh? Am I married yet?” he asked to nopony in particular, glancing around at the now decimated church. The sections of chairs behind him were now mostly overturned, their occupants seemingly long gone. Bits of the floral arrangements and decorations were torn and strewn about the room like my parents affection when I told them I wanted to be a dancer instead of an architect.
Tough luck, Dad. Guess who got a starring role in the CATS revival on Broadwa- Never mind.
“Wait a minute…” He suddenly noticed Twilight Sparkle sitting before him, her head buried in her hooves. He could hear her sobbing loudly. The priest that only a short time before had been standing before him and hitting on his bride-to-be was no longer present. In fact, his bride was gone too.
Both seemed to be gone without a trace. Twitchums felt the all too familiar feeling of loneness wash over him. A feeling of quiet desperation, of complete and utter disappointment.
Of total emptiness.
There was only one thing that could possibly mean.
“Holy crap, I’m married!” he shouted, beaming from ear to ear. Twitchums hopped in the air, and landed on his hind-knees, playing a wicked solo on air-guitar. The awesome force of his virtuosity knocked Twilight back several feet, rousing her from her fit of depression.
“Was I awesome?” Twitchums asked the lavender unicorn. She looked up at him, her face wet and eyes bloodshot. Eyeliner dripped down her face and onto the altar. She sniffed loudly.
“W-what do you mean?” She asked, wiping her eyes. “Were you not paying attention to anything that just happened?!” Her voice cracked.
Our puny-eyed hero stood stoically and looked down at his bride’s best friend. Clearly she was just jealous that he had married Rainbow Dash and not her. She would never be able to experience the pure wondrifical happiness that a lengthy, monogamous relationship (albeit with numerous sordid affairs on Twitchums’ part) held. Twitchums felt a ping of pity in his heart and reached out a hoof to Twilight.
She eyed the greasy hoof and took it, allowing herself to be pulled up onto her feet. “How could you just stand there as Discord took everypony away?! Princess Celestia! Applejack. Rarity…” her voice faded out as she took a toll of everyone she just lost. Tears welled up in her eyes once more. “All of my friends…”
Twitchums glanced about the now abandoned church. Chairs were thrown about and the once pristine environment looked in complete disarray. “Must have been one hell of a party. Where’d everypony go, anyway?” he asked, oblivious to the situation. He noticed Twilight beginning to sob once more.
“Hush, my sweet.” He cooed, brushing his hoof through her mane. This kind of kindness was unbecoming of an alicorn of his badassity. But the author felt it was time for some heart-to-heart character development so it continued regardless. “Do not fret! For one day you may very well experience the thrill of true, passionate love!”
Twilight sniffed and looked up at Twitchums, her eyes settling on his. The conjoined feelings of depression at Discord’s assault and rage at Twitchums’ ignorance began to subside. Something about his putrid afro mane and tiny wings made her heart jump – a feeling she pushed away as quickly as it had arrived.
“Right,” she said, clearing her throat. “Listen, Twitchums. It was very convenient that you happened to ignore the entire ceremony earlier. But it just so happens that by doing so Discord, perhaps the greatest threat Equestria has ever known, thought you were just a badass hunk of a statue instead of a badass hunk of an actual alicorn.”
Twitchums nodded, knowing full well he should care. But he didn’t. His mind wandered to thoughts of his upcoming honeymoon. He had personally, painstakingly watched Rainbow Dash plan every single detail of the romantic getaway. A week in Manehattan to visit some ex-con friends of Twitchums, three days in Fillydelphia to see the spot where our awesome alicorn went on his twitch-inspired rampage, and one boring day in Las Pegasus to see Rainbow Dash’s grandparents. Twitchums was so caring!
“From what I can gather, Discord is attempting to take control of Equestria once again by turning everypony into discorded versions of their previous selves, hence the greyification of their coats.” Twilight reasoned, although it was pretty obvious already. So obvious, in fact, that the author felt it was far more important just to skip ahead several boring paragraphs and get to the point where Twilight asks Twitchums for help:
“How can we save everypony?” Twilight cried, removing the fake moustache on her lip and quickly tossing her sombrero aside. The miniature disco balls hanging from its brim clacked lightly on the bouncy castle it landed upon.
Twitchums unzipped his chicken suit and stepped out, reveling in the open breeze. “Sweet Celestia how’d we fend off that band of ravaging ninja sandwich beasts?”
“Aren’t you listening?!” Twilight shouted. “Don’t you care about anypony but yourself?!”
Twitchums reeled back, hurt by the unicorn’s accusation. “How dare you.” He started. “Do you have any idea of my back-story?”
Twilight shook her head.
“I have cared about so many ponies. Ditzy, who left me behind for another stallion. Applejack, who I fell in love with and tossed away after I met Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash… Sweet, rainbowy Rainbow Dash.” He wiped a single blood red tear from his eye. Real men only cry blood.
*NOTE: If you cry blood, you should go to the doctor immediately. Cause crying blood (although awesome) will probably mean you’re dying :3 *
“Today I lost something you’ll never understand, Twilight.” Twitchums continued, taking a step forward. “I lost more than friendship. I lost more than love.”
Twilight Sparkle stared up at the alicorn, her breathing intensifying at his every word. He was so passionate, so strong. She took a deep breath of his halitosis and coughed harshly. He smelled beautiful.
“I lost what I something I care about more than anything I previously mentioned! I lost respect.” He punched his hoof to his chest and furrowed his brow. “We need to get everypony back.”
Twilight felt her geeky, pony heart flutter all of a sudden at his short, but badass speech. She wanted him, obviously. But she pushed her desire deep down. Maybe it was because a romantic entanglement now would waste precious time needed to save everypony from Discord. Or perhaps it was that her best friend had married him, and most of her other best friends had already porked the adulterous alicorn. Or maybe it was due to the fact that this overwhelmingly dramatic chapter needed to end soon so that another one with could be completed in the near future.
“But what can we do to stop Discord?” Twilight asked aloud, her hopes of a rescue attempt fleeting with every second. “Discord stole my friends. And only one Element of Harmony is not enough to save Equestria.”
Twitchums smiled, remembering what Celestia had said. “Well, you’re in luck. Because you’re looking at the seventh element right here.”