I stay out of sight of Pinkie and her two assistants, contemplating what Pinkie has said, about reading thoughts. I skulk away from the trio silently, not caring to audit their secret training session. It did confirm one suspicion, Pinkie knows too much. She knows things about this situation, about our thoughts. It's such a Pinkie thing, but one thing is satisfying about it. She doesn't know me, and she won't if I have anything to say about it. The thought comment was the tipping point, Pinkie can look into everyone to some extent. Being one hundred percent chaotic and harmonic at the same time, a beautiful harmony in itself. She can see all the other stuff, rivaled only by pure chaos and pure harmony.
But she didn't notice me, she hasn't been able to. The first day in the castle, with her singing, she was trying to coax me towards a side. I've seen her scowling at me occasionally, but I didn't know for sure at the time. She's frustrated with me, because I'm like a blind spot to her. The opposite of her, yet similar. Pinkie is chaotic and harmonic to create and overarching harmony of opposites, but I'm neither harmonic nor chaotic. Here is chaos and harmony there, but they battle and negate instead of uniting and adding. Pinkie oversees, I hide.
Which only helps in my case with... my suspicions. My theory was correct, and I do have a form of a power. The power to be hidden, mostly from surreal powers. I just need to harness it somehow... who could teach me though? Discord could rightly teach chaos, and any of the elements or even the princesses could teach harmony. It's apparent that Pinkie can teach a combination of the two, but who could teach the negation of the two? It seems like I'm on my own for this trial.
Wait... if Pinkie is an overarching combination of chaos and harmony that creates a harmony... who is an overarching combination of chaos and harmony that creates chaos? Just another thought to the pile of things. I can very well continue to hide, but I need to know all sides of the field before I can truly stay out of them.
I smile as I recall Kamui's story, it's equal parts exciting and sad. But I was completely enraptured by his gory description of his sins, it filled me with warm fuzzies. Pinkie, however, was looking at me when I hesitated in hugging him. I reluctantly joined in the hug, but I know she saw my less than healthy smile. Even I think it's creepy to find joy in something like that, but I do nonetheless. I do feel sorry he had to go through all that, but it's the execution that's fishy. He has some sort of agenda, and I realize some of the others might too. I was too busy looking outside for the problem, I didn't think to check for mistakes in the seams of the plan.
Discords no slouch or idiot, he chose us for a reason. We were carefully hand selected, meaning there has to be some variety in the choice. Meaning not everyone will be good, or bad, or chaotic, or harmonic. Kamui explaining his past, a gesture of trust. Or a deceptive move to make the enemy feel safer so he can get close to strike. We're all playing a game together, but we're all trying to work together while trying to complete our own goals. I realize, being distant is the safest spot. And my power of void, a valuable asset. It means that no one can know my agenda, no one can use their attributes of chaos or harmony on me.
Looking at this logically, this is discords game. As calm as it may seem now, there are probably already things starting to move against us. I need to start checking the bases, which doesn't mean I can't have fun. I just need to work in between relaxing. So, lets see. Harmonies got the princesses and the six element bearers, chaos has got discord. Okay, theres gotta be more. Discord wouldn't start with a disadvantage without a plan. Wait... the elements themselves... harmony has powerful artifacts on its side, does chaos? Uh oh... If discord brought us here... there are plenty of stories contributing to the multiverse with powerful and evil artifacts. And with chaotic ponies and all sorts of creatures.
But, he wouldn't go straight for the scapegoat. He's a scientist at heart, and this is an experiment. We should expect controlled variables. Discord is more than likely working behind the scenes now to control these variables. Working up to some big event... because he most certainly will not continue to tweak small details indefinitely.
One things for certain, this music isn't helping at all. It's become more incessant and frantic lately, probably because I haven't had anything to do with harmony or chaos in a long while. It's just catchy enough to be slightly distracting, which is annoying me. I manage to keep it mostly out of my mind for the most part, which is good. I snap out of my thoughts as I hear my name being called.
"Luka!" I look up to see Applejack walking over to me, my contemplative look dies out and softens.
"AJ." I nod curtly, the cowpony walks up to me and I file my thoughts away for later.
"So, um... are you feeling better?" Applejack asks.
"Better?" I ask in confusion.
"Well, I got so caught up in the excitement during the whole poison joke incident that I completely forgot what we went to Twilight for in the first place. You did talk to Twilight about your memory, right?" I feel a shiver go up my spine at the mention of one of the things I keep forgetting about, my memory keeps glitching on me.
"I'm fine," I tell her.
"You mean you didn't tell her?!" Applejack asks in shock.
"It's for the best," I tell her, a little more insistent.
"How can that be for the best!" Applejack says.
"It just is," I say turning away slightly.
"You know Skylar, I don't like liars." I freeze at the mention of my name. My real name. "And it seems like you keep doing a whole lot of it, lying that is. Y'all have told us how you like yourself, and you're not like rage. But I reckon you have more in common than you realize. You keep on putting yourself under the bus to help everyone else. You're determined to fix everything, but you're neglecting your own needs. You know what you need, or what you don't need, that's obvious. But you don't seem to be searching for what you do need. You are not fine." I sink at her words, of course she's right.
"Applejack, I might not think highly of myself, I certainly don't think low of myself. You saw pride, you also saw how most of us ignored her or forgot she was there at times. She even said it herself, she wasn't popular. While there is a small part of me that thinks for myself, I don't like to be like that. I don't like to be like any of those seven... I want to be kind, and funny, and smart, and loyal, and generous. And I'd like to think I am all those things, or I try to be... sometimes I just have the idle thought of, "what if I hurt them?" Or "what if I insult them?" When someone says something particularly scathing. And I'm such a ditz at times, and I do the stupidest things. And sometimes I can feel myself not caring, and just wondering if I could abandon whatever I'm doing. I try to be as good as I can, but I sometimes think and often do terrible things..." I say.
"What, a terrible thing like make a mistake? Or having an idle thought? As long as you don't do it, you're good. Sounds to me like you're afraid of what you could be, and it has a negative impact on who you are." Applejack says sagely.
"But sometimes it's not just an idle thought, sometimes it makes me feel... I don't know, but it's not bad. Sometimes it's a little worse than just thinking something, sometimes I think terrible things..." I look over to see her eyeing me.
"What kind of things?" She asks, a hint of worry in her voice.
"You don't want to know," I almost whisper.
"Luka. Skylar, I'd like to think we're friends. We haven't known each other for long, but I like you. And it makes me sad to see you like this. But to help you, I need you to tell me what's on your mind. You can trust me," Applejack says.
"You won't ever look at me the same, It's too bad..." I tell her.
"Ain't nothing too bad. Er... less you hated me and didn't want to be my friend, I don't know how I'd help you then." Applejack laughs nervously, giving me an earnest look.it's obvious that Applejack is adamant about this, she won't be giving up.
"Well, sometimes... I think about death..." I start.
"Well, shucks. We all think about that too every once in a whi-" Applejack starts, only for me to continue.
"Killing specifically," I add quietly, she hears me. She freezes at this and her smile falls to a face of fear, her eyes dart all over me.
"K-killing?" Applejack asks, her voice something between concern and fear.
"Yeah... sometimes I idly think about torturing and killing people. Or ponies, I guess." I flinch at the admission and prepare for Applejack to run out screaming.
"I-I don't... have you ever th-thought about k-killing your friends?" Applejack asks.
"I wish I could say no... sorry, Applejack." I whisper.
"M-me, you've thought about killing me?" Her voice is distant as her eyes dilate.
"A little... I have no intent to hurt anypony. I don't want to be that person, I just... think about it sometimes." I say.
"Who else have you thought about killing?" Applejack glares at me.
"Pretty much everyone..." I say, turning my gaze away.
"Pretty much? Who haven't you thought this about?" Applejack spits acidly.
"The crusaders... Spike..." I say, "I don't even think of harming foals, fillies, or colts. Or young beings of any sort." Applejack looks at me in shock, then she takes a breath. A deep breath, trying to sort out her thoughts.
"Why?" She finally asks, clearly trembling.
"Applejack, if you don't want to talk abou-"
"Tell me! I'M FINE, JUST TELL ME!" I jump at the force of the request.
"Because there's probably some piece of me that wants to inflict harm for pleasure," I sigh, rubbing my arm awkwardly.
"Why don't you?" Applejack narrows her eyes at me.
"Because that's not me, not the me I want to be. The same reason I don't like being angry... I'd much rather help others. I just can't help thinking these things sometimes." I say sadly.
"So, you don't wanna hurt anypony? You just... can't help it?" Applejack asks, more warmth entering her tone as she processes this information.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, looking down. I gasp as a tiny black body grapples my leg, I look down more and find Nyx hugging me tightly. "Nyx?" I question in shock.
"I'm sorry! I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but I heard you talking, and you sounded sad. So I thought I could help cheer you up, then I realized you and Applejack were having a moment, and I didn't want to interrupt. Then I heard you say the thing about death, and I was shocked and scared of you. Then you said the thing about no foals and I realized that that's not who you are! And so then I heard you say you don't want to, and I realized you're like I used to be! You don't really want to hurt anypony, you just can't help thinking it, so I wanted to let you know that I can help you get through this! I might not be able to help you get rid of those bad thoughts for good, but I might be able to help you ignore them!" Nyx says, ending it by looking at me hopefully.
I look at her in shock, then I feel a tear start to well in my eye. I choke back a happy sob and Nyx looks at me downcast, "did I make it worse, I'm sorry..." I lean down and pull Nyx into a hug.
"Thank you Nyx, I would love if you could help me," I tell her, she smiles at me.
"I don't know if I could do anything, but I'm always here to listen. I might have gotten a little out of sorts there, I'm sorry. I thought I could handle anything, but I wasn't prepared for that. I want to help you Luka, I'm sorry if I can't help more." Applejack dips her head sadly and I pull her into our hug.
"Applejack, your friendship is more than enough. I don't expect you to understand me, I just hope that you'll be there for me if I need it." I ask hopefully.
"Of course, Luka." Applejack smiles awkwardly while pulling one hoof around me and nyx for the hug.
"And Luka, I wanna help too! I, um... might not be able to help at a lot of things, but I wanna help when I can." Nyx adds, hopeful.
"Thank you, Nyx. That's more than I could ever ask for." I offer her a pleasant smile and she gives me one with much more enthusiasm.
"Do you remember what you were saying about not knowing what you're good at anymore? Well, I talked to Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle and they all agreed that we could let you be an honorary crusader!" Nyx raises her hooves in exclamation, "we, uh, would give you a cape... but we don't know how big it needs to be." Nyx says sheepishly. I just look at her in shock, before my grin breaks into a full out smile. My eyes tear up even more and I pull Nyx in for another hug.
"Thank you," I tell her.
"Well everyone else seems content with their situation, and they don't seem to be losing any memories. You're just so nice, it was sad to see you so torn up. So, we thought we could at least try and help you find who you are. Because, isn't that what the crusaders are for?" Nyx says, I pull away from the hug and wipe my eyes.
"I reckon you two want to go find Applebloom and company, so I guess I'll just mosey on out of here. Just remember, I'm always here to help." I smile as Nyx and I nod before running down the hallway. I follow Nyx as she leads me towards the other crusaders, maybe there are some ponies who can help me.
~
Applejack looks after the two, her smile falls after they run around a corner. She turns with a sigh, not meaning to head anywhere in particular. She's got a lot to think about. What with Luka's admission, and what Applejack knows about Luka. Or, what she thought she knew. Applejack stops cold as she hears Luka.
"Applejack." Applejack drops and covers her head.
"Don't kill me!" Applejack cries fearfully. After no attempts are made on her life she looks up. She finds, not Luka, but Rarity.
"Kill you? I'd never!" She exclaims in shock.
"Sorry... I, uh, thought you were someone else..." Applejack admits.
"Who did you think I was?" Rarity presses, her curiosity piqued.
"Oh, ah, it's nothin'. Don't worry about it..." Applejack says nervously, clearly lying.
"Applejack, flinching in fear because you think someone's out for your blood is not nothing." Rarity states blandly. "Who did you think I was, and don't even think about lying, you're terrible at it."
"... I thought you were Luka," Applejack admits, shivering a bit at the thought.
"Luka? The charming pink haired girl with a good head on her shoulders? What makes you think she wants to kill you?" Rarity asks in shock.
"She told me." Applejack says shakily.
Rarity raises an eyebrow, "She just told you? I doubt that. A killer would probably just do it, not tell you and then let you go," Rarity states matter of factly.
"She told me she's had thoughts of killing all of us... then Nyx got it in her head to help her. She took Luka to the other crusaders." Applejack says with a sigh.
"You think theres a killer here, and you let her just go and play with foals. Which includes your sister and mine." Rarity deadpans, "if you truly fear she's a killer, why would you do that?" Rarity asks.
"She says she wouldn't even think of hurting foals... or colts and fillies. Or any young being." Applejack says.
"There's two things I immediately can't believe right now. First, if she was a killer. Why would you believe her? And second, what type of killer has morals? Killing is completely immoral in and of itself. Well, unless it was vigilante, maybe. But this doesn't sound vigilante," Rarity points out.
"Well, she isn't exactly a killer... she just says she thinks about torturing and killing." Applejack explains, clearly shaking.
"Well, if you think she's a threat, why would you believe her. That would require trust, which it seems you lack at the moment," Rarity points out. Applejack stops at that, why would she trust her? Theres plenty of reasons why, but because she's just not like that is the biggest. Why shouldn't she trust her is a better question. Because she occasionally has homicidal thoughts? But she doesn't act on them, and that's all that really matters.
"I trust her." Applejack says half heartedly.
"Then why are you so jumpy?" Rarity asks.
"I just... I guess I'm scared. I thought I knew her as something, now all of a sudden she's a murderer." Applejack admits.
"You just told me she's not a murderer." Rarity points out.
"Well, I-" Applejack is cut off by Rarity.
"Applejack, don't you think we've learned anything from Nyx? We can't just expect the worse of someone because they think certain things. Nyx herself has continually said she thought about hurting us many times, but she didn't want to be like that. She's ended up saving us more times than I care to count. It sounds to me like Luka doesn't really want to hurt anyone either, else one of her personalities might have just done it. No, she may think these things, but that doesn't mean she wants to do it," Rarity explains.
"You're right... I just..." Applejack tries to think of the words to explain it.
"Just nothing. You're worried for a friend, that's natural. But I think you need to just let it go, there's no problem." Applejack looks at Rarity with relief and curiosity.
"I guess you're right... why are you being so understanding about this?" Applejack asks specifically.
"I don't know. But make no mistake about my behavior. Torture? Rage? Corruption? My goodness. She does need help." For a second Rarity's eye seems to shine in an odd light that almost makes it seem like an odd color. "But, I don't think we have to worry, as you said and which I agree, I trust her." Rarity says. Applejack just sighs and nods in agreement. Today is just another fast paced day, it seems like every day since the vocaloids got here has been like that. Even though it's only been like, three days.
"C'mon Applejack, let's go get something to eat, i'm famished" Rarity says.
"Yeah, sure, let's go" Applejack pushes the thoughts of all that's happened that day out of her mind and leaves the castle with Rarity to go eat.