Princess Celestia poked Twilight Sparkle in her rear end. “Ack!”
“Just a few more inches, you can do it.” assured the Princess.
Twilight had never been under such pressure to perform. She stepped forward into line.
“There now it’s perfect!” Celestia was relieved. The groomsstallions were in perfect alignment with the bridlemaids. This was the rehearsal and only now only twenty-four hours remained before the royal wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor.
“This is still not good!” Cadence was very demanding. “I have six bridlemaids, but there are only five groomsstallions. It’s totally uneven. “Honey, you said you’d find somepony to fill in.”
Twilight Sparkle looked around the wedding party. Shining Armor’s best pony was a dark blue stallion named Moonlight Night. He had two brothers that didn’t look like him. The others were some yellow and red ponies who were into podcasting. That only amounted to five.
“I did get someone, dear, and knowing him, he should be arriving just about...” Shining Armor smirked. His timing was impeccable. At that very moment, a unicorn stallion emerged from the west archway.
“Prince Blueblood?!” the bridlemaids screamed in horror. Rarity fainted. That poor mare was still a bundle of nerves after all this time.
Applejack did some quick math and realized she was to be the Prince’s partner. “Oh ponyfeathers! No way!” She ran up to the pampered pony and eyed him incredulously. “T’aint no way I’ma going on a date with such a fussy pony with namby pamby grooming.”
Blueblood gulped. “But Namby Pamby is a great groomer.”
“That’s neither here nor there. Princess, if we’re done here, I’d like to take this pony out to the garden and put him through his paces!”
Princess Celestia smiled proudly. “We’re done here. All party members can relax until dawn tomorrow. Have a good time everyone.” She winked and made her exit.
Applejack dragged Prince Blueblood off by his tail to do who-knows-what to him. His cries for help fell on deaf ears.
Shining Armor turned to his bodyguard, Cinnamon Viper. She seemed distraught, as this was her last day on earth. “C’mon Viper. The boys are throwing me a party tonight. I want you to be there. I’m sure there will be some colorful entertainment there, and they will need pat downs.”
Cinnamon Viper stole a smile. “You’re speaking my language, sir!” They trotted off together with the male party members.
Pinkie Pie launched toward Twilight Sparkle. The lavender unicorn was sure she was about to be glomped, but it was Princess Cadence behind her who got the hugging. “Princess! Tonight is going to be your best night ever! We’re throwing you the bachelorette party of the century! hehehe!”
Cadence fluttered her wings nervously. “I don’t have time to party! I need to check on the desserts and the entertainment!”
Twilight stepped forward to reassure her future sister-in-law. “You already double checked everything.”
“But that’s not good enough! I need to triple check!”
As frustrating as this was, Twilight was starting to warm up to Cadence.
Rainbow Dash floated over to the pink princess. “Look, think of this like a big race. You can’t train every second up until the starting gun. You need to make sure you’re well rested so that you’re prepared physically and mentally.”
Cadence was unsure, but conceded the point to Dash. “Alright. I guess I could take one night off to relax.”
“Woohoo! Alright! We’ll come get you at dusk. This is going to be awesome!” Pinkie Pie was bouncing on the altar much higher than usual. Twilight Sparkle used this opportunity to duck out of the room and take a leisurely walk.
Twilight took the liberty of walking through the reception hall. It was more than a reception, it was more like a carnival. They had every food from caviar to doughnuts, and there was an assortment of entertainment as well. DJ-Pon3 had her dance floor set up, and Octavia had her band rehearsing. There was also a stage that seemed to be reserved for some sort of magic act. Before she could inspect it more carefully, a large puff exploded before her...
“Wahaha! It is I, The Great and Powerful Trixie! You may have shown me up last time, Twilight Sparkle, but now Trixie has truly bested you! I am now the official court magician for the royal wedding! I will be entertaining guests at the reception of the century! My skills have truly been acknowledged by the the brightest minds in all of Equestria! What are you doing here? Serving hor dourves?”
“I’m the maid of honor.” Twilight said flatly.
And then Trixie had her first heart attack.
* * *
Pinkie Pie had a grin on her face that was so big, it hurt just to look at it. “Get ready for a big surprise!”
Princess Cadence and the rest were headed down to Luna’s catacombs for the big bachelorette party. “I don’t know. There’s still so much to do.”
“Fun.” Twilight, for the first time in her life was as excited to party as Pinkie Pie can be. “We’ve gone over every detail for a solid week! The songs, the desserts, the decorations, the centerpieces. It’s all done. You need to relax! What good will your wedding be if you’re a nervous wreck? You need to unwind. This is just as much a part of the wedding as all those other things.”
Rarity was at a loss. “It feels so wrong, going off to party without Spikey-wikey.”
Dash was giddy. “Bah. This is ladies only. Besides, he’s probably having a blast at Shining Armor’s bachelor party. Say, has anyone seen Fluttershy? Or Applejack?”
They entered the door of the catacombs. The normally dark collection of stone alcoves and passageways was done up in bows and balloons. Folding tables were brought in, as well as a catered dinner and a jam box. A bar with several barrels of cider was available. In the middle of it all was Pinkie Pie and Princess Luna.
“Auntie Luna? You’re hosting this bachelorette party?” Cadence was shocked.
“Well, these are my catacombs. Pinkie Pie has been training me in the ways of the ‘party’ ” Luna rubbed her hooves nervously. “She has assured me that we are prepared for fun.”
Twilight was nervous. Pinkie Pie and Luna teaming up to throw a party? That was like a tornado meeting a tsunami. “Is this going to be OK? This isn’t going to get out of hoof, is it?”
Pinkie Pie laughed. “Oh, Twilight, don’t you see? Royalty spends their whole lives in fancy uptightness. The bachelorette party is the one time in a princess’ life when she gets to cut loose and be down and dirty! Craziness is expected! Naughtiness is required! Here’s a great example...”
Pinkie Pointed to the open door. Fluttershy was trying to sneak by it unseen, but that didn’t work. She was wearing a skin tight bondage outfit. Every inch of her body was covered in black latex, exceptt for her plot, which was now a bright yellow heart shape.
“Ha! See! Fluttershy is all ready for the bachelorette party. She came in costume." Pinkie observed.
Fluttershy removed her ball-gag. “We’re having a bachelorette party?”
Pinkie ran up to Cadence. “This is going to be the crazy, princess! Tonight you’re going to see your first banana hammock!”
“Woah, Pinky!” Twilight took the pink pony aside, “I know this is a bachelorette party, but this is a princess we’re talking about here. And a virgin to boot.”
Pinkie Pie made a pouting face. “Aw, does this mean all these bananas are going to waste?” Twilight turned around. Sure enough, in the corner there was a rope hammock set up between two of the pillars, and that hammock was filled with bananas. Twilight let out a sigh of relief.
“I also hired a stripper.” said Pinkie Pie.
“What?!” screamed Twilight.
“OH YEAH!!!”
A white pegasus in a construction worker’s uniform and ridiculously huge muscles barged into the room. “Oh Yeah!” He ran over to the jam box and played some hot beats. “Which one of you lucky ladies gets the first dance?” The mares all pointed at Princess Cadence, but Cadence was pointing at... Princess Luna.
Luna was very puzzled. “I do not understand. I thought this party was mares only? Is some sort of maintenance needed on my catacombs? Hey, what’s going on?!”
Before she could lay out all of her questions, the stripper had removed all his cloths, save a thong and began gyrating in Princess Luna’s direction.
“EEK!”
Luna’s panic turned to anger. In a white hot rage she levitated in the middle of the room, eyes glowing. Lightning and thunder reigned down from the ceiling. “How dare you besmirch your princess with such lewdness. You shall be smited down for your afrontarry!”
“Princess! No! This is all part of the party!” The ponies waved their hooves frantically in the air. Eventually, they talked Luna out of her rage and explained to her the logistics of male strippers and lap dances.
“Oh. I’m sorry, I did not realize. Kind sir, I insist you commence gyrating your loins at my face once again! In the name of fun!”
The stripper, however, was cowering in the corner, fearing for his life. Pinkie Pie would have none of this.
“Gosh darnit, Stud Longshanks! You are a male stripper! A sacred profession going back as far as time itself! You have a duty to all the bridlemaids and over-the-hill-mothers-needing-to-reconnect-with-their-youth! There’s a girl over there who needs a lap dance, and what are you going to do about it? Are going to give that lap dance?!
“Oh, Yeah!”
“I can’t hear you!”
“OH, YEAH!!”
With a great cheer from all, Luna’s lapdance continued.
“Huzzah! This is both humiliating and arousing!”
Rainbow Dashed rushed over to Luna. “That’s the ticket! Save the next dance for me! I’m tapping that cider!”
* * *
Pony Joe wheeled the doughnut cart down the dark hallway. This was a rough gig. Not only did he need to provide doughnuts for the royal wedding, but he needed to deliver these extra doughnuts to the bachelorette party. At least they fixed the broken wheel on the dessert cart. This was going to be an easy trip. Or so he thought.
A heavy weight suddenly dragged down the cart. “Huh?” He poked his head over the mountain of glazed treats to see a small colt with wings and a horn. He was helping himself to some chocolate doughnuts.
“Hey! You can’t have those!”
“Oh, no. I can do whatever I want. I’m an alicorn after all!”
“I don’t care if you’re the king of cartoons! Ain’t no one taking my doughnuts!” Before he could lay his hoof on the colt, the little one bit him. “Hey!”
Before he could protest further, a stiffness came over his whole body. He was turning to stone. The last thing he heard was a maniacal laugh.
* * *
Drinks and lap dances were flowing freely at the bachelorette party. Twilight Sparkle was sitting quietly in the corner, drink in hoof. It was a zen moment for her, but it was bitter-sweet. Before the night was over, surely Pinkie Pie would make one ardent attempt to make out, maybe more.
For now, everyone was happy and occupied. Rarity was giving Cadence advice on giving horn jobs. Princess Luna was also listening intently. Rainbow Dash was getting a lap dance and Pinkie Pie was eating bananas. The irony struck Twilight. The way Pinkie was downing those bananas, she could be making a stallion very happy right now. Possibly two or three at once.
After finishing most of the bananas, she started using the hammock as a trampoline. Twilight braced herself. This could not end well.
* * *
Pinkie had been trampolined across the catacombs. “Erg. Perhaps the triple lutz was too much.” Pinkie Pie dusted herself off and took a survey of where she landed.
Pinkie had never been in this part of the catacombs before. This was where Luna’s bed and personal effects were kept. It didn’t look any different than a normal pony’s bedroom; except that it was in a dark dungeon; and there was a wooden crate with some rocks in it; and except that there were four statues in the corner.
“That’s odd. Why would Luna have statues of bridlemaids in her room?” She inspected the statues very carefully. They were of mares she had never met before, but the craftsmanship was superb. They were so lifelike!
It was then that she realized there were real metal horseshoes embedded in the hooves of the stone statues. That was not physically possible. These weren’t statues! These were bridlemaids that had been turned to stone!
Pinkie Pie bolted back into the party. She immediately ran up to Twilight. “We need to get out of here! We are in serious danger! Bridlemaids get turned to stone here! You need to go back there with me and see this! Also, why haven’t my doughnuts arrived?”
“Oh, really? Into Luna’s bedroom. Where the bed is. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen once we get there.”
“Twilight! This is not a trick! Really! How many times have I used a covert plot on our lives as a guise to hit on you?”
“Seven.”
“But it’s true this time!” cried Pinkie.
“I don’t want to hear it, Pinkie Pie. You need to calm down. Go back to your room. I’m pulling rank here. You’ve dogged me for too long.” Twilight scowled.
“But I haven’t been sent to my room since I was an itty bitty Pinkie!”
“Well you’re going now. Step to it!” Twilight had crossed her hooves. She meant business.
* * *
Pinkie kicked at the ground as she slowly trotted through the hallways of the castle. These hallways were dark and labyrinthine, especially at night. During her week there, she had got to know them pretty well, so it was no trouble getting back to her room.
Out the corner of her eye she thought she saw a young white colt whiz by, but it must have been her imagination. As she turned a corner, she saw AJ and Prince Blueblood. Strangely, Blueblood was wearing flannel gardening clothes and Applejack was wearing the most demure saddle Pinkie had ever seen. “Whoa! What happened to you two?”
“Gosh Pinkie. Where do I start? We had one heck of a day.” Applejack was genuinely at a loss.
“But I think we each learned something about the other, and ourselves.” continued Blueblood.
“Yeah, that sounds like an intriguing story; filled with emotional highs and titillating character growth. I’m sure hearing it would enrich my life, but to tell the truth, I’m just looking for sex right now. I’m going to my room, if you see Twilight Sparkle tell her to come up, I’ll be ready for her.”
Pinkie Pie trotted off and left Applejack and Blueblood to blush at each other.
* * *
With Pinkie gone, the party died down considerably. Soon the stripper left and Cadence retired to her chambers. Rarity and Twilight were the last to leave.
“You go on and get some sleep, Rarity. I’ll finish up here.”
Rarity took her advice and started walking back to her room, alone. Sleep would do her heart good, but she still had so much adrenaline.
From a dark corridor came Spike, tripping over his own feet and having a lampshade over his head. “Hey Rarity! Where you going?”
“Oh, Spike. I’m retiring for the evening. The party’s over for us girls. Did you have fun at your party?”
“Meh. It was fun. If you like podcasting.”
Rarity was perplexed. “What is podcasting exactly?”
“Oh, that’s where you eat soybean, then cast the pods into the wind. To see how far they fly. I got mine to fly pretty far, but that’s only fun for so long. How about you? Did you have fun with the others?”
“Oh, I had tons of fun. But I’m so pumped right now. I don’t know how I’ll get any sleep.
Spike was giddy, but he contained himself. “I feel the same way. Want to go back to your room and talk?”
“Sounds like fun. I could use some company.”
* * *
Twilight made her way back to her room. She was proud of herself for standing up to Pinkie, but hated to see her leave the party all the same.
Twilight had bumped into one of the groomsstallions. It was Moonlight Night, the best pony. “Oh, Moonlight. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
“It’s quite alright. I wasn't watching where I was going. Did you enjoy your party?”
“Heh. It was a mixed bag.”
Pinkie Pie poked her head from the door to her suite. “Hey, Twilight. Ready to talk yet?”
Twilight panicked. “Um, sorry Pinkie, I have some private business to attend to with Moonlight here.” Twilight grabbed Moonlight and dragged him into her suite.
Pinkie was Shocked. “What?!”
* * *
Pinkie paced the length of her suite in nervous tension. “I can’t believe Twilight would go off and sleep with another pony, when I’m ready and willing right here! I mean, what’s wrong with me? Am I not energetic enough? Aren’t I sexy?”
Fluttershy was at the desk, writing a letter to her boyfriend. “I don’t know. Twilight seems to like only stallions.”
The nervous pacing continued. “I’m probably overreacting. They’re probably just talking. Right?”
Just then she heard a moan coming from through the wall. Pinkie panicked. She gulped down a glass of ice water and then turned the glass against the wall to use as an earpiece. Brain freeze be darned, she was going to hear this!
There were creaking noises. “That creaking could be anything.” Pinkie’s pacing progressed.
The creaking got louder. Then moaning started. Within a few minutes, Pinkie didn’t need the glass to hear them.
Then the wall started to vibrate. Surely the headboard on the other side of the wall was being knocked repeatedly. Pinkie was floored. How could this get any worse?
Just then the door to Twilight’s room could be heard opening. A minute later the creaking and moaning continued, louder than before.
“A threesome?! Twilight! Why have you forsaken me! Was I playing too hard to get?”
FIVE MINUTES EARLIER...
Twilight slammed the door with Moonlight Night in her room.
“I’m not really comfortable with this. I’m seeing somepony else.” said Moonlight Night.
“You don’t need to do anything. I just need to make Pinkie Pie certain that I like stallions. “
“Um, I guess that’s alright.”
“Good, now get your fanny up here.” Twilight jumped up on the bed. “Start bouncing.”
“If you say so...” The bouncing began. Soon they were both bouncing high and occasionally bucking the headboard.
Out of nowhere, Princess Luna burst into the room. It nearly scared them to death. “Twilight Sparkle! What is going on here? I thought the naughty fun was over. Why was I not invited to this after party?”
“No, Princess Luna, we’re just playing a joke on Pinkie Pie! This is fake sex.” Twilight explained.
“I see, but I never get included in any of this chicanery.” Luna pouted.
“Alright, you can join in! We’ll have a fake threesome!” said Moonlight.
Luna squeed and began jumping on the bed with them. “Huzzah! Your sex partners have been doubled!”
* * *
Rainbow Dash stumbled through the hallways. It was 1AM and she couldn’t sleep. A full week of frilly dresses, lingerie, cakes and flowers. She was going to go batty at this rate.
At that moment Soarin came down the hall. He was still on crutches from the last time they had met. “Rainbow Dash! I can’t believe it’s you! I have something to ask you.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. ‘It’s not another marriage proposal is it? I turned down all of those and returned all those gifts.”
“You didn’t return my underwear.”
“He he. Oh yeah. I … lost those.” Rainbow Dash started to remember their first close encounter. She looked at him and licked her lips. She had just gotten an idea on how to break up her boredom.
Soarin grinned.
* * *
Twilight tossed and turned. She couldn’t sleep.
Something was urking Twilight. It wasn’t the fact that Rainbow and Applejack still hadn’t returned, it was something Pinkie said. Twilight was sure that Princess Luna was on their side now, but she wasn’t so sure about her brother. Armed with a light spell gleaming from the tip of her horn, Twilight crept back down the long maze of hallways to the catacombs.
Most of the chaos and decorations from the bachelorette party were still there, but the dividers blocking Luna’s bed area had been moved. Twilight crept in. No Luna in bed. She looked around and found a crate with one rock in it. Peculiar. Then she stumbled upon the bridlemaids. They were real. Her magic training enabled her to identify them as real ponies turned to stone.
At that point, she noticed a light from underneath a door on the far side of the catacombs. She sneaked up and put her ear to the door. She could hear the voices of Princess Luna and Shining Armor inside.
“I’m here for you, Luna. What do you need me to do?
“I need you to … mix my potions...”
“My pleasure. Let me get out my swizzle stick.”
“Huzzah! It’s so big.”
“Ok, now what do I do?”
“Just stick that in there.”
“It’s hot.”
“It should be.”
Twilight Sparkle was furious. She banged on the door as hard as she could. “What are you two doing in there?!”
Like a jack in the box, Luna and Shining Armor instantly popped out, both wearing goggles and lab coats.
“Oh” said Twilight Sparkle. They may not have been doing anything sexual, but he still has some explaining to do. “Ok, mister. What are you doing down here, and why are those bridlemaids turned to stone?”
Luna stepped forward and took the rap. “I’m so sorry, Twilight. I take full responsibility for this. I’m still not sure how it happened, but something in my laboratory left the other bridlemaids turned to stone. Shining Armor has been helping me make a potion to revive them.”
“And you told Cadence they were in the Peace Corps, didn’t you?”
Shining Armor huffed. “Cadence values having a perfect day over all else. I’m just respecting her wishes.”
“By telling her whatever she wants to hear? Even if it’s a lie?”
“There’s a difference between telling people what they want to hear, and what they need to hear.” said Shining Armor.
“There’s always a difference, isn't’ there? Always a rationalization! You only care about yourself!”
Shining Armor had a dozen things to retort to that as well, but he didn’t say them. He just walked to the door. “We will be siblings the rest of our lives. Cadence only gets to be a bride tomorrow. We can settle this at a later date.” With that, he left.
* * *
The door to Princess Cadence’s suite was triple guarded that night. “Sorry, Twilight” said the guard, “No one sees her until the procession tomorrow. Celestia’s orders.” Twilight turned back down the hall, defeated.
The walk back to her suite was longer than usual. The weight of the kingdom seemed to be on her back. The last thing she needed right now was Pinkie Pie. So, naturally Pinkie Pie appeared from behind a corner. “Hi Twilight. I know you cheated on me with those two, but I forgive you. Why? Because I just know we were meant to be together.”
Twilight was not in the mood. “Pinkie, if we were getting married, and I was keeping secrets from you, you’d want to know right?”
Pinkie liked where this was going.
Twilight knew what had to be done. She needed to sneak into Princess Cadence’s room and convince her that something was wrong with Shining Armor.
Twilight and Pinkie got into their skin-tight black sneaking suits and climbed out the window onto the ledge. Funny how AJ and Rainbow Dash hadn't gotten back to the room yet. Getting over to Princess Cadence’s room was to be no small task. It meant traversing a ledge not even as wide as a pony, and climbing over several gargoyles. Luckily the bridal suite was only one suite away-they only had to pass Rarity’s room.
Despite the all these obstacles, the most treacherous was the passing by of Rarity’s window. Twilight saw a sight that shook her to her very core.
* * *
The white unicorn had never been more relaxed then at that moment. Her hair was relaxed. Her hooves were relaxed. Her heart was beating strong and regularly for the first time in weeks.
“Oh, wow.” Rarity lay on her back, limp and exhausted after the night’s activities. “I have never experienced anything like that before. Never have I felt so alive! So relaxed. I’ve never been ravaged with such passion before!”
Spike lost the smug look on his face for an instant. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”
“No! Quite the contrary. You’re a natural at this. It’s so rare to find a stallyyyydragon who knows the proper time to throw a mare down on the bed and make passionate love to her. Spike, you have a gift! A magnificent gift.”
“I do?” Spike scratched his head. “Oh well, whatever makes you happy, Rarity.”
Rarity drew Spike in close for a long passionate kiss. “Ready for round two?”
* * *
Unicorn levitation magic was the only thing stopping Twilight’s jaw from hitting the floor. She tiptoed onto the next window before she saw any more.
Twilight and Pinkie were finally at the window of Princess Cadence’s chambers. The pink princess was in her robe, gnashing her teeth over charts and maps for the wedding reception.
Before they could storm into the room however, Shining Armor stepped into the room carrying a tray of tea in his mouth. This didn’t surprise Twilight in the slightest, as Shining was known to be able to talk his way into any door. He set the tea down on the nightstand and turned to his fiancee. She flew into his arms and began crying about a million unfinished details about the wedding ceremony. Shining was then, as always, unruffled.
“But what if something goes wrong?! What if it rains?!”
“That’s why they build chapels with roofs, dear. Now get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.”
“Oh, No! I can’t sleep! I forgot to finalize the dessert carts!” said Cadence.
“I anticipated that. I’ve already submitted all your forms for you.”
“But what about fixing the wheel on the dessert cart?!”
“I tightened the bolts myself.”
Shining Armor tucked the princess into bed and kissed her. After a sip of tea she started to calm down. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m the lucky one. Let me just close the window so you don’t catch a cold.”
Before Shining could get to the window, Twilight and Pinkie Pie had scurried away back to their own room. They made sure to avert their eyes of what was going on inside Rarity’s window.
“I guess my brother was right. There is no way to know how two people are when they’re alone.“ Twilight sulked her way back to her room. Once there she took off her skin-tight sneaking suit. She wasn’t mad at anyone but her herself, but yourself is the worst person you can be mad at.
Pinkie jumped on the bed and began removing her skin tight outfit. She did it slowly and sensually.
Twilight had had enough. She gritted her teeth and nearly exploded. Her mane and tale suddenly ignited into flame. Then she fizzled out.
“Ok. I give up. It was wrong of me to go that far and then no further.”
Pinkie was ecstatic. More ecstatic than she usually is. “Does this mean?”
“Yes.” Twilight stepped toward the bathroom. “Let me shower off this singed sneaking suit and I’ll be right with you.” She couldn’t fight it anymore. After a shower, she submitted her body to whatever Pinkie had in store for them...
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
“Well, that was amazing Twilight. But y’know I do have a big day tomorrow. Fluttershy is probably missing me, so I better go.” Pinkie Pie sheepishly darted from the room, leaving the purple unicorn alone.
Twilight laid there, frustrated and confused, but none of that mattered. Twilight had finally rid herself of Pinkie’s pursuit. That and she was now comfortable with her brother’s marriage. She really did feel happy for him for the first time. She lay on her back in her bed, relieved for the first time since she got off the train. She was certain that the wedding tomorrow was going to go on without a hitch.
She was wrong.