//------------------------------// // Where Everypony Knows Your Name // Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. // by OneUppington //------------------------------// WHEN TALKING OF OR ABOUT PARFAIT D’ARMOUR, IT IS FINE TO USE ANY PRONOUN: HIM, HER, THEM, ETC. HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD NEVER CALL HER: IT FUTA FUTANARI FREAK ABOMINATION BITCH … MORE MIGHT BE COMING ONTO THIS LIST SOON. DEPENDS ON YOU. ANYPONY REFUSING TO UNDERSTAND THIS ACT OF COURTESY WILL HAVE NO SERVICE AT THE SORRINA. THANK YOU. “Well, it’s a good replacement.” “You think so? I kind of prefer the poem Bluey gave to Fluttershy. This just makes me feel like being me is a problem, you know?” I nod in understanding… because I feel like being me right now is a problem, too. I’m in a bar drinking a soda while everyone around me is getting drunk thanks to my new routine, which is fucking disturbing already, but then they had to stare at me. Talk about me. I can hear my name in the many conversations around the SorriNa… Woundsalt… The ‘Salt… I heard somepony say Un-Alicorn over by the pool table, I still have no bucking clue what that means. I think they are pondering if they should come up and speak to me or not and take the risk of me surging in front of them. They’d probably know I do that. One thing Printed Page told me is that a fanatic of you knows more about you than you do. It definitely feels that way, right now. Speaking of fanatic, Octavia excused herself to the bathroom before she, and I’m quoting one of the four fellas by the bar here, ‘fan-girls the fuck out.’ Parfait told me while she left that… I’m a role model to her. Me. A role model. That’s just thirty-one flavours of wrong. It’s like saying Ironsight’s a fucking racial equality activist. … I need a distraction from this insanity. Asking my new bartending friend what possessed him to date my old childhood bully would do the trick. “So… How did you come to meet Blue?” The lavender pony smiles. “I was an orphan at Laughing Matter’s in Cloudsdale. Then I got adopted by Hawthorn Strainer, who adopted Bluey and Orange when he was in Canterlot about a few months after that. We didn’t like each other at first, but as time went on we decided to be more than brother and sister. Boy, telling the rest of the family was awkward. Well, I say family; really it’s just one stallion with an army of orphans with the passion for hospitality of the alcoholic nature.” “Is that legal? It sounds like your dad adopted kids for financial gain.” I ask as I finish the soda. “Yeah it does, doesn’t it? Not really the case, though. Every drink an orphan sold in the family bar, the cash went to them when they decide to move and start their own place.” She says, rubbing her bar tenderly. “The boys and I decided to put our bits together and start early. It was called Triple Sec back then… Then when Orange left, Blue came up with the name SorriNa. Did you get it, by the way?” “Yeah, yeah. Sodium. Salt. Sorry Salt. Real nice.” Orange Curaçao left? That’s odd. Only time I saw the brothers apart was on that day I verbally forced them to go to separate corners of the courtyard and cry like the ten year olds they were. “So, what happened to Orange?” She scratches her left ear. “Well… Look, I hate to say that he doesn’t like you…” (Even though I know he does and that hatred is justified. I know what I said that day, I am virtually surprised those two didn't kill me.) “… But we kept having demands to have a Woundsalt Wednesday. Kind of an unwritten rule on the Renter strip: Either they have a Woundsalt Wednesday or be empty on a Wednesday. Blue and I liked the idea; we went on a few in other bars around here, always had a wonderful time. Orange… Well, the guy just doesn’t want anything to do with you. So he just walked out the door with some bits saying he’s going to find a place where he won’t see you and you will never be mentioned… The day before the book became a worldwide hit. Got to love the irony the-” She pauses. “Oop! Here's my darling! Took him long enough!” She stretches her hooves to point at me in a very enthusiastic manner, smiling like a maniac. I think that means Blue Curaçao’s here. Time to face my bully after all these ye- … HOOOOOOOLY CRAP! Someone call the museum, we found the missing link between us and hippopotamuses! I mean… what the hell happened? Back in the day, Blue was the fittest kid on the block; his brother a close second. When hiding from them back then, I had to make sure the walls were sturdy, in case they decide to walk through them to get me. Now… Now he’s a ball! His stomach is millimetres from the ground, it’s a miracle that the t-shirt he’s wearing with the bar’s name on it doesn’t explode under the pressure he’s putting it in, his wings which were the largest part of him back in the day now look so small he clearly can’t fly with them and if it turns out there is a small creature living in the apartment that is his second chin it will be no surprise to me! He is fat! He’s obese! Impossibly obese! How the hell did he manage to get here? How did he manage to get in here? HOW IS HE EVEN STANDING RIGHT NOW? That’s not even the weird part. The weird part is he’s smiling. Smiling! And not a threatening smile either, it’s a happy smile. A smile you get when you see a kitten ride a small turtle! “WOUNDSALT! MI HERMANO!” My brother. He called me his brother… I thought he didn’t like that old traditi- Ooof! He’s… Hugging me! It’s… it’s like I’m being assaulted by a water bed mattress filled with lard! Oh goddess, what is it with ponies here and hugging? “Look at you! Just look at you!” Says the large pony as he lets go… Oh sweet Celestia, I think he’s going to cry with joy. “Santa Celestia, bruddah! Ain’t you Mister Big Shot, eh?” “ME Mister Big Shot? Look at you! What the hell did they feed you in the Ohana Islands? Other ponies?” “Nah, amigo. Didn’t you hear? I decided to become one of the islands!” the big blue pegasus replies, and then jiggles by the power of his laughter. I caught myself laughing too. I laughed along with my old bully. This is a very strange experience. “And besides, the husband really likes it. Don’t you, my little garnish?” “Damn straight, you big sexy thing.” Says the lavender pegasus as she jumps over the bar to kiss her butter... ball... He just called her his husband. Implying… A. The two are married. And… B. That he sees Parfait more in a masculine light. Meaning he thinks this more as a homosexual relationship than a heterosexual one. Wow, that is interesting. The Curaçaos back then were the only orphans I knew to be homophobic. The moment the brothers saw two ponies of the same gender walk through the courtyard looking at all the foals, they are the only ones who walk away instead of towards. So, seeing one of them not only married to a hermaphrodite, but call her husband instead of wife or even a mix of the two… Wow. I don’t know how or why you changed Blue, but… you seem to have changed for the better. Huh… Change… Change seems to be the order of the day, today. First Printed Page, now Blue… Looks like I’m on the verge of my first lesson here. Maybe I can find out what it could be... Change is good? Hmm… No. Change can be bad too, I know that much. Might need to work on it when I head back to the library. “So, What’ll it be, bruddah? Baltimare Zoo? Long-Face Island Ice Tea? Don’t worry yourself with paying, for you it’s on the house!” “Sorry, Blue, just a soda for me. I’m on a routine. I got a date though…” Maybe getting Octavia her usual would be a good idea. “What does Octavia have?” “I’ll…” I see a speck of grey from the corner of my eye. Looks like Octavia’s back. Something feels different about her, though… she’s… Well, she’s still indescribable, but there’s something there that wasn’t there before. She’s blushing. “I’ll have the Long-Face Island Ice Tea, Blue. And keep them coming. I feel like I might need them.” The married couple look at her with a smile. “You got it, sweetie.” says the lavender Pegasus. “We’ll sort them, you two head to a table.” And now Octavia’s looking at me. “So, Vinyl did go to the library last night?” I nod. Wow, her smile… “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. It’s just that… this is a bit of a dream come true right now, one I never thought would happen. Vinyl knows I love you- YOUR WORK! Well, you as well, in a way… I’m sorry, I thought I got it all out of my system but…” She puts her hoof up to her mouth. "… Oh goddess, I actually kissed you! In front of all those ponies!” I walk up to her, hold her hoof and say… fuck, what’ll be good to say? I know! “Happy belated Birthday, Miss Philharmonica.” That… sounded less sappy in my head. Didn’t help that there was a chorus of ‘Awww’ coming from the audience, like we’re in some romantic sit-com. … “Let’s get to our table before I start crying on you.” Says the grey mare. “Or worse, vice versa.” I reply. I heard Blue erupt from laughter as we walk over through the locals. All of them were bowing their heads towards us, like we were royalty. “I guess you have this all the time?” Octavia asks. “Actually? No! closest thing I got to a salute in Canterlot was the kind of salute we did at Fillyways.” “Hmmph. Ungrateful pigs. No respect for the greatest poet of our age.” “No respect for me, neither.” She giggles as we pass a few impersonators, holding up their glasses. “Woundsalt, do you mind if I ask the question?” “Sure.” “Do you really cry ink?” … “Yeah, I have a condition…”