//------------------------------// // The Big Joke // Story: The Last Temptation of Hondo Flanks // by angelbunny //------------------------------// The front door to the home of the legendary Hondo Flanks opened with great haste. With her horn aglow with magical energy and a frown etched across her face, Sweetie Belle stepped outside and trotted in the direction of Button’s house. Behind her was Button, the colt of the hour who was being levitated by her against his will. Button struggled in vain to be returned to the custody of gravity in order to return to the hoofball legend from whom his girlfriend was now forcibly separating him. Cookie Crumbles passed through the front door and took a few steps outside to see her daughter off on her trip. Her horn was also glowing as she was currently levitating her husband to prevent him from running after his daughter and potential son-in-law. “Say good night to Button, Hondo,” said Cookie calmly. “Cookie, come on!” cried Hondo. “They’re getting away! Put me down!” “Oh, I’ll put you down, all right; I’ll put you down for the count if you so much as think of lighting up your horn to break my levitation spell.” “Let me go, Sweetie Belle!!” begged Button as tears streamed down his face. “AAAAAA-HAH-HAHHHHHH!” “I'm not letting you go until we’re at your front door,” said Sweetie Belle. Button whimpered nervously as the distance between Hondo and himself was growing by the second. Before long, he’d be out of hearing range and then out of sight, possibly for good. Button placed his forehooves beside the corners of his mouth to increase the volume of his forthcoming message. “I’ll come back for you some day, Hondo!” yelled Button. “It’s too late for me, Button!” shouted Hondo. “It was wrong of me to try to corral you into marriage! I see that now! Do something else for me instead! Be young! Run wild and free and play hoofball for as long as you can before you tie the knot!” “I will!” yelled Button. “I promise! I’ll never forget youuuu!” “I won’t forget you, either! We’ll always have that touchdown pass! G’bye, Button... my almost son-in-law.” Hondo turned his head to conceal his liquid pride. “Good bye...” whimpered Button. “...my almost father-in-law... AAAAAAA-HAH-HAAAAHHHHHHH!! MOMMMMM!!” The next door neighbor, dressed in a bathrobe, opened the front door to his house and stepped outside to see what all the commotion was about. Cookie saw the stallion neighbor and frowned – for he was the bane of her existence. “Do you folks mind keeping it down?” he asked. “Some of us have to get up early tomorrow morning to buy tubs of jelly.” He ran his right forehoof along his face and then down his neck and chest, lost in the throes of ecstasy. “Sweet, sweet tubs of jelly. Mmmmmm...” “Peanut butter!” shouted Cookie, barking the word like a dog protesting the unwanted appearance of at a stray cat. “AH!” squealed the neighbor in a high pitched voice as he quickly stood on his hind legs and held his forehooves over his ears as though the words caused him great fear and pain. “Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter!” repeated Cookie, hopping up and down. “AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” The neighbor ran back in his house and shut the door behind him, most likely to indulge in the perversion that made him the most unwelcome of Ponyville’s lakeside residents. Cookie looked at her husband. “It’s lakeside property, you said,” spat Cookie as she recalled how her husband bought the house with great haste when he saw how cheap it was. “Who cares why the previous occupant moved out, you said.” Hondo wasn’t listening to his wife. He was busy staring forlornly at the horizon that swallowed up his daughter and her young love interest. Cookie set her husband on the ground and canceled her levitation spell. Her looked at her with glistening eyes. “Cookie,” said Hondo with a smile. “Love of my life? Owner of my heart?” Cookie knew what he was going to ask. “Sorry, hun,” said Cookie, “I know how much you’d like us to try again but I tell ya, my best foalmaking days are behind me. But if you reeeeeeeeeally want a son...” Hondo’s face lit up. “I do, I do!” he cried. “Then just wait a few hours,” said Cookie. “A few hours?” “Yeah. Celestia should have it up in the sky by around five AM or so.” Hondo didn’t find his wife’s pun to be very funny. “Have I ever toldja how much I enjoy your razor sharp wit, Cookie?” he asked. “Not in all the years I’ve known ya,” replied Cookie. “Juuuuust checkin’.” “You can come back in when you’ve thought about what you’ve done and figured out what you’re gonna say to Sweetie Belle when she gets back.” Cookie turned around and walked back inside the house, shutting, but not locking, the door behind her. Hondo tapped his forehooves together wistfully. He knew that he would have to apologize to his daughter but that wasn’t his top priority right now. He looked up at the sky. The stars were shining as brightly as the moon, the latter of which caught his eye. “Princess Luna,” he said to the moon, “it’s me, Hondo Flanks, the father of Rarity, one of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s friends that saved Equestria a couple of times? Hi. How’s it going? So, listen, I don’t really believe in the power of prayer – not since the Hydras lost the division championship to those dirty rotten Ursas because of that missed field goal attempt – but I’ve got nothing to lose by trying. I have a wish. I’m a happy stallion but I think that I’d be a lot happier if I had a son. As in a male offspring, not the sun-in-the-sky sun. And I know it’s kinda messed up of me but I’d rather not adopt. I’d really like him to be my biological son. I’m not sure how you can help make my wish come true since my wife Cookie says she’s not up to it... but I’d appreciate any help you could give me. Only please don’t make him out of wood or make his horn grow when he tells lies. Celestia knows a colt’s got to be able to get away with rattling off one or two whoppers to get by. Oh, uh, should I not have used your sister’s name in a prayer to you? I’m not up on how this whole thing works. Sorry if I offended you... or her.” A patch of clouds rolled in quickly and covered the moon. Hondo lay on the grass and sighed. “Guess she’s not taking requests tonight,” he mumbled. “Sweetie Belle,” said Button, floating in the air alongside his angry girlfriend. “We’re more than halfway to my house. You can put me down now.” “Do you promise not to run back to my house if I do?” she asked. “Yeah, I promise.” Never knowing him to be a liar, Sweetie Belle placed him back on the ground and dimmed her horn. True to his word, Button walked alongside Sweetie Belle in the direction of his house. “I like a sensitive colt as much as the next filly,” said Sweetie Belle, “but you really do cry a hoof of a lot.” Button didn’t acknowledge her observation. “Don’t you love me anymore, Sweetie Belle?” he asked. Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “I should be asking you the same question,” she said. “Why?” asked Button. “What did I do? “What did you do? You ignored me all through dinner, you basically had a date with my dad, you made my mom question my judgment of character and – hold on to your beanie – you proposed to me at least twelve years too soon just so that you could inherit my dad’s stupid hoofball memorabilia!” “Hoofball isn’t stupid!” “Well, it is to me.” Button frowned. “Gee, I sure feel sorry for your dad,” he said. “And why is that?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Because he has two kids that he loves and neither of them care that he loves a game that he was really good at once.” “He’s too old and hurt to play hoofball anymore. It doesn’t matter.” “Doesn’t matter? It was special to him! And he’s special to me! And to a lot of fans just like me! Not everypony can do the things he did on the field. And just because he can’t do what he used to do anymore doesn’t mean that his accomplishments don’t matter now! When was the last time you listened to him tell you about a game? My mom and dad never listen to me when I want to tell them about hoofball. They just shut me up – and it hurts. It hurts when you want to share something you love with somepony you love and they tell you that they don’t care. Your dad doesn’t have a kid who wants to hear about what he loves. Can you blame him for wanting to spend some time with somepony who does?” Sweetie Belle suddenly felt very guilty. She didn’t like feeling this way, especially since she was still full of righteous anger over how disastrous her dinner with Button was. She mentally shelved that topic and shook her head back and forth rapidly. “Wh-Whatever,” she said. “That doesn’t change the fact that you made a terrible first impression tonight. You are in the doghouse until further notice, mister – that means no holding hooves, no nuzzling, and absolutely no kissing until I say so!” Button hung his head. “Does this mean that you don’t want to marry me?” Sweetie Belle puffed her cheeks up. “No. It doesn’t. I’ll marry you when we’re older.” “You will? YAAAAY!” Sweetie Belle smirked. “But only if we have a Canterlot Castle wedding package.” “A Canterlot Castle wedding package? The one that’s held in Canterlot Castle’s throne room? The one that Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance had? The one that costs four and a half million bits?” “That’s the one.” “It’ll take me forever to scrape together that kind of money!” “Then you’d better start saving your allowance now... because when we turn twenty-one and I don’t have that package, the wedding’s off.” Sweetie Belle giggled internally. Rarity had told her that Princess Celestia was willing to accommodate Twilight Sparkle, her friends and their family members with complimentary Canterlot Castle wedding packages should any of them ever decide to marry. But Button didn’t know this. Sweetie Belle wasn’t fond of the way her night had gone but she did like how it gave a license to punish her coltfriend. She had seen her mother give her father a hard time when he messed up and being able to do this with her own significant other felt empowering to her. “Okay,” said Button. “Here’s the plan.” “Hm? What plan?” asked Sweetie Belle. “I can sell off my hoofball cards and video games. I’ll study real hard in school so I can get a super high paying job when I grow up. I’m pretty good at hoofball. Pro hoofball players sign million bit contracts all the time. I could even land an endorsement deal. And banks lend money to ponies all the time so maybe I can get a loan from one of them. Yeah, it’s not impossible. I can do this! I’m Hydra tough!” Sweetie Belle’s eyes grew wide. “Are you serious?” “You bet I am.” “You’d go through all of that for me?” “Yep.” “Why?” “Because I love you and you’re worth it. But you better not change your mind, though!” Sweetie Belle’s heart fluttered. She was only going to tease him about the Canterlot Castle prerequisite for a while and then let him know that their wedding wasn’t going to be a financial burden for either of them, that the whole thing was just a little prank she was playing on him. But Button was now determined to dedicate several years of his life toward forging a career, breaking his back to earn an enormous amount of money, and possibly get himself into some serious debt – all because her hoof in marriage was worth four and a half million bits to him. Tears began to well up in Sweetie Belle’s eyes at the romantic gesture. “I’d never change my mind about you, Button,” she said. “Sweetie Belle?” said a voice that Sweetie Belle recognized as her sister’s. She turned to her left and saw Rarity standing there. “EEP!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “Isn’t it rather late for you to be out?” asked Rarity. “Oh! Aren’t you going to introduce me to your adorable little gentlecolt friend?” “Hi, Miss Rarity, ma’am! Pleased to meet you! I’m Button Mash, Sweetie Belle’s fiance!” “Fiance?” asked Rarity, not taking the colt too seriously. “Well, it’s an honor to meet you, my future brother-in-law. Oh, isn’t this just the sweetest thing? I do hope that I’m invited to the wedding.” “You bet! And it’s gonna be swell because I’m gonna make a lot of money and buy Sweetie Belle a Canterlot Castle wedding package for us.” “Oh, that’s so sweet... but that won’t be necessary.” Button raised an eyebrow. “It won’t?” he asked. Sweetie Belle shook her head repeatedly and crossed her forelegs back and forth frantically to signal to her big sister not to say another word. She did everything but light a flare to catch Rarity's attention. “No, it won’t," said Rarity. "Princess Celestia will cover the bill for that package for Sweetie Belle and any of my family members who get married. Sweetie Belle, I told you about that just last month. Did you forget already?” Button Mash turned his head to look at Sweetie Belle. He was not amused. Sweetie Belle smiled nervously as rivers of sweat poured down her forehead. “Well, this has been lovely but I can’t stay and chat," said Rarity. “I was just going to drop off a dress that I made for mother. It was a pleasure meeting you, Button Mash. Ta-ta, lovebirds.” Rarity left her sister and trotted off toward her parents' house. The silence that Button was exhibiting was making Sweetie Belle shake like a leaf. "Nice weather we're having, isn't it?" asked Sweetie Belle. "I hear we're supposed to have rain later tonight but it doesn't look like it." Button said nothing. “It was just a little joke I was playing," she said. "I was going to tell you but then Rarity came along and spoiled it first. You’re not mad at me, are you?” Button remained silent. Without so much as a farewell, he turned around and left Sweetie Belle behind. "Would it help if I said that you were out of the doghouse now?" she asked in a louder voice in order to be heard over the ever increasing distance between them. In moments, Button was out of sight. Sweetie Belle hung her head as she sat on the ground. She had hurt somepony she cared about. She remembered what Button had said about her father and felt worse knowing that this wasn't the first time she may have hurt somepony she loved.